I'm returning from parental leave with my second and reflecting on how different postpartum has felt this time.
With #1, I was clearly grieving my past life and way more anxious and frustrated with my baby for every single crying episode. I beat myself up about my struggles with breastfeeding and pumping. Returning to work was hard but also a way to get back to a piece of myself and I embraced the juggle.
This time around, I've managed to be much more forgiving to my baby and holy shit am I extremely upset about all the ways everything is set up to work against us. I'm upset at all the grandparents, who have not been helpful and instead have demanded we snap to whatever plans they set, even if they are not considerate of children. Mad at all the social services that still haven't recovered and the few that do exist are so expensive they don't feel accessible. Mad at my MiL for scoffing at the notion that we are trying to balance two working parents and parenthood (despite knowing I'm both the breadwinner and one income would be hard for us to live on). Mad that at 10mo pp, I'm still hounding specialists to fix a few ongoing medical issues that haven't settled post baby and appointments take 3+mo wait after a referral. Mad at my husband for not understanding all the things that add to my stress, even when he tries to understand. Mad that I'm returning to work in a layoff-happy industry at the moment where the morale is shot and it's not an escape, but a further emotional energy suck. Mad that I saved and then spent a portion of my leave time with my kids in childcare to dig out our house from the past almost year of just trying to survive so that we can survive another year or so.
I have a fair amount of privileges, so as much as this is a woe is me, it's a general frustration with the expectation and support for Moms. I constantly want to scream and cry and yet I'm too tired to do either. I have very little incentive to fit back into the needs of everyone else and fewer fucks to give.
The hardest part is that lack of support has lead to lack of direction or desire. I'm sure sleep and overwhelm contributes to the low motivation as well, but I wish I was returning to something exciting at work that made the juggle worth it. Instead I feel like it's just another reminder that nothing is built for 2 working parents.
With #1, I was clearly grieving my past life and way more anxious and frustrated with my baby for every single crying episode. I beat myself up about my struggles with breastfeeding and pumping. Returning to work was hard but also a way to get back to a piece of myself and I embraced the juggle.
This time around, I've managed to be much more forgiving to my baby and holy shit am I extremely upset about all the ways everything is set up to work against us. I'm upset at all the grandparents, who have not been helpful and instead have demanded we snap to whatever plans they set, even if they are not considerate of children. Mad at all the social services that still haven't recovered and the few that do exist are so expensive they don't feel accessible. Mad at my MiL for scoffing at the notion that we are trying to balance two working parents and parenthood (despite knowing I'm both the breadwinner and one income would be hard for us to live on). Mad that at 10mo pp, I'm still hounding specialists to fix a few ongoing medical issues that haven't settled post baby and appointments take 3+mo wait after a referral. Mad at my husband for not understanding all the things that add to my stress, even when he tries to understand. Mad that I'm returning to work in a layoff-happy industry at the moment where the morale is shot and it's not an escape, but a further emotional energy suck. Mad that I saved and then spent a portion of my leave time with my kids in childcare to dig out our house from the past almost year of just trying to survive so that we can survive another year or so.
I have a fair amount of privileges, so as much as this is a woe is me, it's a general frustration with the expectation and support for Moms. I constantly want to scream and cry and yet I'm too tired to do either. I have very little incentive to fit back into the needs of everyone else and fewer fucks to give.
The hardest part is that lack of support has lead to lack of direction or desire. I'm sure sleep and overwhelm contributes to the low motivation as well, but I wish I was returning to something exciting at work that made the juggle worth it. Instead I feel like it's just another reminder that nothing is built for 2 working parents.
I've found it interesting how people trip over themselves trying to help new parents prepare for baby #1 (which is of course appreciated) but totally disappear when #2 is born. That's when you need so much more help and support, even if you already have the bouncer and the changing table. I hope things get better for you soon!
that is so unfair. Sending you good vibes.