Please, serious answers, this will be long, but I need help about my daughter, 8

[plaintalk]

I try to make it short and specific as possible. I’m 29, f, I live abroad with my boyfriend, 31. We live in his country with my daughter (his step daughter), and my son (his son)

My daughter still to this day does not know that my boyfriend is her step father. He stepped into our lives since I was 5 months pregnant with her. My boyfriend has always been a great man, a great father and a good example and role model to my kids.

I was 18 when I met her biological father back in my country, he is a foreigner who moved to my country and after 2 years together I go pregnant with my daughter. Although he is a great guy but him living in my country had effected him mentally which lead him to start drinking and becomes mostly verbally abusive. My country and the circle of friends that he had lead him to behave inappropriately and he never wanted kids and he planned to eventually move to another country so my news to him about the pregnancy made him to not think or reflect about it, he was happy at first but things were happening in his life and he started to change his mind.

So, what happened next is, he started to send me threats, thinking that the child is not his, came to my house door a couple of times, which then my mother had to get the police involved because we had no idea how dangerous he could be, which then had a court case and made him a year warrant to not be near us, so he flees the country and from then till my daughter was 3 years old, never heard from him.

In those 3 years, he spoke to many people and made him realize how much he behaved stupidly and that they all are on my side in this, he agrees that what he has done was with his own hands and till this day he regrets it. Ever since he left my country he said he has mentally improved and never been drunk again just for the sake of our daughter.

In those 3 years without any contact, my life has been going on scenario after another, me and my daughter moved to my boyfriend’s country when my daughter was 1.5 years and my son on the way, so all she knows in her life is my boyfriend’s country, me living with my mother back then and she only knows my boyfriend as her father figure.

Up to this day, she has not a single clue about anything, me and my boyfriend discussed things through many times, I’m ready to tell her but I don’t know how, my boyfriend doesn’t know either but he is not ready, which I cannot say a word until he agrees on telling her. In my point of view I just rather let her grow with it then to suddenly shock her in her teenage life, which is the most vulnerable timeline for a person. Either way if we tell her now or later, she will have a phase where she will resent the 3 of us.

Her biological father wishes to send gifts, but my boyfriend refuses to give him our address so we try to find another safer way. He also wishes to see her, of course she won’t know, he wants to see her for now, not meet her. He will meet her when she decides to. I want her to decide by herself then and not be too pushy on her.

Even though my daughter is 8, she might not understand everything so it might take a while.

Parents out there, or people who knows situations like these, how is the best way to tell her? Her grandmother is amazing and my daughter is more calmer with her, should we ask her to help us too?

It would be greatly appreciated for your advises. Thank you

 

[katrina2017]

@plaintalk Very similar situation. I have a 6 year old, who only knows my boyfriend as his dad. We have two children together 1m and 6month f . I honestly kept it very simple and truthful. I explained that at first it was just me and my son, and then I met dad. And then me and dad had brother and sister together. Then I explained to him that everyone has a biological mother and father, but not everyone lives with their biological mother or father. I told my son his name, where he lives, and that he had a daughter that would be his half sister. It was basically “me and dad made brother and sister, but me and ____ made you. So he is your biological father, but dad is your dad. Here is what I know about him, and if you ever want to contact him, you can let me know and we can try. If you don’t, that’s okay to, you don’t ever have to if you don’t want to” in that moment he said “nah that’s okay” haha. But he understands, and this was only about 3 months ago but every couple of weeks since then he thinks about it and asks me questions. I always answer truthfully. The reason I told him, was because my sister is adopted. She’s actually my cousin and we adopted her when she was one. I’m 13 years older and my brother is 18 years older. We always wanted to tel her, so did my mom. My dad refused. She found at at 16 through the grape vine by a girl bullying her at school. With social media, I have to say even in a different country she will more than likely find out, and it’s gonna hurt a lot more if it doesn’t come from you. And you’re absolutely right, that age is very tender. In the end, both my son and sister took it way better than expected. The biggest difference is my son wasn’t shocked and hurt or felt betrayed by me and his dad now. I personally think that letting them grow up with the idea and giving them the option of if they want involvement or not is the most respectful thing to do for the child. When they get older they feel like they were robbed of something. My sisters parents were drug addicts and homeless and always in prison. But she still felt like she was robbed of something simply because she didn’t know. Because she didn’t have an option or a say in something very personal to her. Sorry for rambling, I hope this helps. (Sorry for format on mobile)

 

[katrina2017]

Also to add, my son is almost 7. So pretty close to your daughters age. And still refers to my boyfriend as dad. Still 100% views him as dad. Knowing the difference between dad and biological father was something I really talked about a lot with both him and my sister.