Please send me advice before I shave SDs Head

[nannasin28]

Follow up from r/Co parenting I posted last year.
My step daughter still has lice. I love her to death, but I cannot keep dealing with this. It has been over 2 straight years that this 7 year old has had lice. It literally started when she started school, and her mom has not done anything for it. We have brought her to the doctor for prescription treatment, I have spent hours picking nits individually, it has spread to myself and our three daughters, all with long thick hair, several times. We have sent bottles of stuff home. Just this past weekend I about lost my mind because SD said she gets lice every time she sleeps with her mom(25) because she shares a bed with her! This was news to us, SD is wary about painting a good picture of her household and has always said stuff like “when she sleeps in my bed” and when I have asked why she doesn’t sleep in her own bed she’s said “I don’t know.” She just now admitted that she doesn’t have her own bed and her mother is constantly reinfecting her! I need advice before I go to jail for shaving her moms head too! I have called DCFS several times and they won’t even do a wellness check. Please understand I’ve tried everything from shower caps to ever spray and shampoo under the sun.

I don’t know what to do. DH is, in my opinion, handling this situation like a giant P****y and does not want to 1. Ruffle feathers with bio mom (who despite having residential custody is a Disney parent and most of SD care is by bio moms grandmother and great aunt, who seem to also be afraid of several crazy and dramatic bio mom). She works 2nd shift and goes and parties frequently so she barely sees SD but apparently they share a bed. Or 2. Take bio mom back to court. He is severely pessimistic about it because he has a criminal record and a very poor view of the justice system for reasons that make sense. He believes we will spend money on a lawyer for bio mom to have a giant show in court (she sounds like a narcissist to me) and she will no doubt have child support re adjusted. While this sounded to me like he’s just putting $ above his daughters care, I do get it because bio mom is awful and we have been struggling financially and extra anything would sting. Her dads solution is to keep treating it the best we can and to have him spend his time with her 1 on 1 when another spread is too much for me. I cannot accept this. It spreads to all of us and i feel like I’m going insane. Do I just stay out of it? What would your next move be?

Edit because I failed to mention it: we have a pretty standard court ordered parenting agreement. We pay child support and get visitation.

 

[purposeful]

@nannasin28 Every time you take her to her pediatrician for this it will be documented. Take her as often as you can so it’s documented to the same dr each time. The dr will ask the right questions (they know what’s going on usually without telling them) and if not start the conversation each time with “she just got back from her moms and ...” and that will set it up.
You may not need court. If you can show that the household is unhealthy that may be enough for a custody amendment (obligatory ianal)
I know it’s frustrating but shaving her head or anyone else’s is going to be traumatic by all accounts.

Nothing you can do about the bed sharing though. Yes it’s weird but i don’t think it’s considered an issue from a CPS perspective

 

[bitz]

@purposeful I think this is your best bet - think about it as starting to create your CYA paper trail. Start by documenting as much as you can in ways that are easily trackable. I would send an email to all the family members who are in contact with the kid. Every time that kid shows up with lice send out something like: "Hi All! Hope you're having a great weekend. Today when Kiddo showed up, I found lice in her hair and treated it with XYZ. You'll want to check your own hair, wash your linens, towels, etc. per usual procedure for lice infestations. Let me know if you have any questions about Kiddo's lice treatment, or if you need recommendations for products for your own lice treatment. Thanks!" I'd even attach a picture. No response from them is necessary. Just keep building that paper trail, including their lack of response. After two more visits with lice, I'd send out that email with an added note that you'll be taking kiddo for a haircut so that she doesn't have to spend so much of her free time at her Dad's house being treated for lice.

I'd call the pediatricians office and ask for their advice on documenting child neglect when you're not the primary parent. I'm guessing her nutrition is not great, teeth brushing isn't regular, etc. I'd want this documented, privately, so that it can be added to the other pieces of the paper trail on child neglect.

 

[nannasin28]

@purposeful Thank you

 

[greekquestion]

@nannasin28 Do not shave the kids head. The poor kid is going through enough. Be the adults in the room.

I'm fairly new to this, so take this for what its worth. I'm also a social scientist by trade, so I've done a bit of research. Still...fairly new to coparenting (or parenting at all) and family courts.

Dad is worried he'll spend a ton of money, get screwed in court, and maybe get the care he wants for his daughter. Be wary of challenging his intentions; I think it will stymie open communication for him.

If the child is also bringing the bugs to the aunts and grandparents home, then they have a vested interest in it too. If previous attempts to approach them have failed, take the time to reconsider how to be more successful with them.

It's likely the child feels an elevated level of shame. Not just about being that kid with bugs, which is mentally/emotionally damaging on it's own, but also kids can feel shame for their love of the other parent. This is intensified when a child gets triangulated between the two parents. In this case, the bugs are a symptom of dysfunction, and a very topical one that isn't easily overlooked.

You're clear on the outcome you seek, and that's a plus. Consider the approach and how it may affect the child. Maybe it just becomes protocol that she gets a lice bath when she comes back from Mom's. You'd have to be careful that this didn't also become a shaming event. That includes shaming the mom, which the child will internalize. Think of it more like a kid comes in with woodticks from romping in the woods.

But like I said, I'm new to coparenting, there's probably more to the story that I won't be able to understand yet. And WTF, is the Mom a dreadlocked wookie or something?

 

[nannasin28]

@greekquestion She is a ghetto partier and drinker. She lives with the great aunt and grandmother. They do not step outside of line with her. I believe the mom has always been spoiled and they are bad with boundaries. She throws literal tantrums.

 

[greekquestion]

@nannasin28 One thing that works for me when my child's mom is acting out is to remember that my presence in her life is even more important. So she doesn't turn out that way.

Anyhow, if nothing else, hopefully coming here to vent today might help you feel a little powerless.

Any chance the head bugs are coming from a pet inside the other home?

 

[nannasin28]

@greekquestion That is a sweet sentiment
No pets.

 

[andy_s]

@greekquestion Human head lice cannot survive on pets. It only comes from other humans.

 

[greekquestion]

@nannasin28 Oof. Sounds terrible.

 

[cfpcharles55]

@nannasin28 We’re going through this with my daughter, although not nearly as bad. She got lice at a friend’s house through her dad... then came to my house. I got rid of it, but they didn’t do anything to treat her siblings at her dad’s or wash everything, etc. So she went back there, then came to our house again. This time everyone in my house got infected. I didn’t realize nothing had been done at Dad’s. I’m overwhelmed at the thought of how to stop this cycle for good. Luckily her dad isn’t neglectful, just more like detached from actual parenting.

If I was in your shoes, I would take her to the doctor every time and get the school involved. Make contact with the school nurse and explain the situation. The goal is to get the nurse to help the child and also become aware that there’s obviously a neglect issue going on. Hopefully the regular doctor and/ or school nurse will call CPS.

 

[louislundy]

@nannasin28 Please, please do not shave her head. I’m in shock you’d even consider shaving your stepdaughter’s hair. You must be under tremendous amount of stress for even considering that. Lice and / or shaved head are all traumatic for this young girl.

Have your asked your stepdaughter what she would like to do about it? Does she want to shave her own head? How is she handling the constant lice infections? Is she embarrassed? Is she equally frustrated?

Even though you’re losing your marbles, it does seem like you’re the only one that’s trying to find a solution. Your husband should definitely be more involved. And I know some have suggested that you take her to the doctor, but legally you cannot do that unless you are her legal guardian.

Shaving her head is not a solution. Your best shot is to try to get legal and physical custody. Her mother sounds awful.

I’m so sorry your dealing with this. It’s a mess, literally.

 

[preacher_man2004]

@nannasin28 If you can get her head clear of all lice and nits first, dye her hair. Make sure it is not metallic dye and that it includes both ammonia and hydrogen peroxide. It will keep her from getting re-infected, but it will not kill an active infestation. Lice can not thrive in chemically treated hair and are not attracted to it. This may be a better option than shaving her head.

But as others have noted I would still keep reporting the bio mom to child services and keep records of all of her infestations.

 

[heavensvoice]

@preacher_man2004 Not sure where this comes from. My sister started dying her hair at 12 and got lice every year as a camp councillor. I’ve also worked in 2 hair salons and had clients show up many times without realizing they had lice and nearly all of them had chemically treated hair. Lice definitely prefer clean healthy scalps but if a house is infested they will go where they can.

 

[katrina2017]

@nannasin28 CPS.

 

[nannasin28]

@katrina2017 I said in the post I’ve called DCFS multiple times and they won’t even do a wellness check.

 

[katrina2017]

@nannasin28 Pull records of all of the doctor visits and money spent. Build a case ans get someone else involved or file for primary custody with no visitation.

 

[heavensvoice]

@nannasin28 There isn’t a lot you can do if your husband is unwilling to go to court. Maybe it would help if your husband realizes that if you get full physical custody the mom would be the one paying child support? Maybe try explaining that by not trying he is complicit in her being neglected? Im sorry you’re having to take on all this emotional baggage yourself. You can ask the police to do wellness checks, specify that her hygiene isn’t being looked after. Also look up the rules where you live about co-sleeping and bedrooms. Every area has different rules but in general kids have to have their own bedroom and bed/beds. They can share with siblings as per guidelines but they can’t share with an adult. This is a good jumping off point with dealing with CPS, or if you have to go to court. At the very least CPS should mandate that the BM sleep in the living room and not share a bed with SD. CPS is really difficult to deal with when you have a custody arrangement. Their answer will almost always be to go back to court. Realistically the only way CPS can stop your SD from sleeping at her mom’s is to apprehend her and then place her in your care “temporarily”. This causes huge issues and is very complicated. When you already have a court order it makes it way more complicated so they don’t want to get involved. If there is no court order they can do whatever they want because they aren’t violating a court order, aren’t becoming witnesses in parents custody issues, and don’t have as many legal issues in general to deal with. They can threaten mom that this can happen if she doesn’t take care of these problems, but then they have to follow through. There is also always the chance that they apprehend her and decide, for whatever reason, not to put her in your care - which would mean she would end up in foster care or with some other family, possibly the family members she’s already living with. Continue documenting this with the doctor, and with her school if she’s going. Unfortunately the best, and likely only way, this will get solved is through court. It doesn’t have to cost you a lot of money. File an emergency motion based on continued neglect (only a couple pages of paperwork) and represent yourselves. The court house near where I live has day-of signups for court lawyers. Check to see if yours does too. You just sign up when you get to court the day of and they represent you. My ex did it every time we went to court because he didn’t qualify for legal aid and was too cheap to hire a lawyer. They were always better than my lawyer I paid for. Court houses also often have a free family court office you can go to where they help you with paperwork and give legal advice. If they say this doesn’t count as an emergency issue then you will have to file for physical custody. It is more paperwork but if you already have a court order to work off it’s pretty simple. You can also request your stepdaughter get her own court appointed attorney to represent her interests, you may not have to pay for it. You can also hire a legal secretary to do your paperwork for a lot cheaper than a lawyer costs if you don’t want to do it yourself. If your husband isn’t interested in doing all of this then you may have to wait until she is old enough to decide for herself where she wants to live, or take them both to court to get custody yourself. My friend had to do this and now has full custody of her stepdaughter.

 

[katrina2017]

@nannasin28 What are their minimum requirements to do a wellness check?

 

[gmapatgardner]

@nannasin28 I'm sure this will get a lot of hate but.... from the outside looking in it really seems like you're not to fond of your "SD" as you put it. The way you word things and talk about this child you seem to have a deeper feeling about her or her mother. Lice is something that happens to kids, granted it does seem like you have had a really bad case but what I got from your post was more concerning to me. Most people I know that have step children refer to them as "their" children. You make it very clear this is not your child. Don't take it out on her. She is in the middle of everything. Try to comfort her and do what you can. If you truly feel it is neglect then you should go through the proper channels to make sure the child is taken care of. But lice in general happens to kids and spreads easily. I hope you take this for what it is, not hate just a different perspective I guess. But bring on the down votes.