Parenting discussion w/ husband

@gavenv Look up authoritative parenting not gentle parenting and I think your husband will get on board much quicker. They're very similar but gentle parenting has turned more into submissive parenting.

Also do some research on what spanking does to kids. Besides what it can do in the long term think about what you're actually doing. You, a full grown adult who should be able to manage your emotions is going to use physical violence on a tiny defenseless human, your own human. And what will that teach them? Nothing. You are only teaching them to fear you and not feel comfortable and safe with you and in their own home. You're also going to teach them they can't come to you with problems for fear of just being punished physically.

And just because you yourself aren't doing the spanking does not make it better. If you allow your husband to hit your child they will feel betrayed by you and feel as though you do not want to protect them and that's almost worse.

Your husband needs a reality check. Honestly search any parenting sub using the work "spank" and you will find an enormous amount of information on why it's bad and why not to do it.

Besides that I will say my husband was kind of in the same boat as yours and I did not bother to baby step him through it. I flat out said it was not happening no matter what because we would not be abusing our child. There is no such thing as hitting for discipline was all I said and all I would say.. he didn't try to argue it and when our son got here he felt such love for him he just realized how it could never be ok.

We have a few friends who spank, and worse, and we honestly don't ever see them anymore because it disgusts us that they treat their kids that way and we refuse to support that kind of parenting.
 
@homebass Adding onto this - and fully acknowledging this is NOT the scenario OP suggested would play out in OP’s household —

I am a product of spanking. The way that this played out in my household is that if my brother & I were “naughty” my SAHM would tell us that dad would give us a spanking when he got home. Then he got home, she informed him, and he gave us a spanking.

Now that I’m pregnant, I have to wonder… was my dad truly on board with the spankings? Did he even know what we had done? Was my mom more willing to assign this punishment because she didn’t have to do it? How did this impact my relationship and trust with both of my parents? Also, FWIW, my younger brother was spanked a lot more forcefully than I was.
 
@jl090812 The dynamic in my house was very similar where my dad was the disciplinarian and my mom would report to him our transgressions so we were punished hours later sometimes. My parents later said they regretted setting this uneven dynamic having just one parent take on the discipline, but didn’t regret the excessive spanking 🙃
 
@gavenv Dr Becky’s Good Inside Podcast has a great episode on punishment. https://www.goodinside.com/podcast/3857/if-i-dont-punish-my-kid-how-will-they-learn/
It does a great job of addressing the pro-punishment parent’s concerns while showing that it’s not the answer.

Because it’s not going to be just about the spanking. Your husband probably believes that he needs to inflict fear and pain in order to control your child in order for them to turn out as happy healthy adults. That’s a steep hill to climb so I hope he’s willing to engage with some longer form resources like books so you guys can really get on the same page.
 
@wolfe17 Oh no! I had listened to that episode when it first came out and tracked it down on the website bc I couldn’t find it on Apple Podcasts but I didn’t check that you could actually listen to it. That is so sad! Her content is amazing but gosh I’ve always considered podcasts as free content. :(
 
@gavenv These are all from the first page of Google when I searched "studies showing the harm of spanking"

Longitudinal study of kindergarteners suggests spanking is harmful for children’s social competence

The Effect of Spanking on the Brain: Spanking found to impact children's brain response, leading to lasting consequences

What Science Really Says about Spanking: "...evaluated 75 published studies on the relation between spanking by parents and various behavioral, emotional, cognitive and physical outcomes among their kids. They found that spanking was associated with 13 out of a total of 17 negative outcomes they assessed, including increased aggression, behavioral and mental health problems, and reduced cognitive ability and self-esteem."

Harvard Researchers Find Spanking Can Harm Child Brain Development in Ways Similar to Severe Abuse

Please do not hit your kids.
 
@gavenv What does hitting teach? You get hit when you make a mistake? Doesn’t happen to adults so I’ve never understood it especially as someone who was punished physically as a kid. Makes that parent not safe and makes the child afraid in their own home.

If he’s on tiktok I highly recommend Gabe “The Indomitable Black Man”. He does skits showing how gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. His approach is firm and understanding.
 
@gavenv How you act teaches your kid how to act. If he spanks, he’s showing that it’s appropriate to get physical/violent if you’re upset/angry/things aren’t going how you want
 
@gavenv Is he open to reading parenting books or just short articles, etc or does he expect you to justify everything by pre reading and summarizing?

If he accepts books, anything by Mona delahooke will be a benefit. She also wrote small blogs on different topics that are free so might be a place to start.

I really liked the step by steps for various examples like you created from peaceful parent, happy kids by Laura Markham. You can get smaller blogs on topics on her website ahaparenting.com. I'm pretty sure she has an article on punishment.

Alfie Kohn reviews punishment in his books and has blogs on his website and his books are well referenced.

I think it can be hard to convince someone to change their views before baby arrives because everything is hypothetical. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to go into parenthood worried my partner would smack the child... So definitely good to address but challenging because I feel like anyone who supports punishment probably isn't that willing to educate themselves... Kind of like anti vaxxers. It can also be a cultural tradition where they just need other examples of what to do and then they can do that. The problem is that for a lot of dysregulation in children, I find it's more about not doing anything in the moment in the way most people think of doing something... So it can be hard to argue for doing "nothing"... I'm spend my mental energy on optimizing environment and then trying to coregulate when dysregulation occurs.
 
@gavenv Check out the show the parent test. They have like 6 different families with different parenting styles and go through scenarios like this as “challenges” and show how the kids respond and show the family dynamics. It can be a great discussion starter! Spanking is discussed on the show, as well as strangers ringing the doorbell, children jumping off the high dive, etc!
 
@gavenv Also remember you haven't met your kiddo yet. Different things work for different kids. Also you will need to drastically change your plans if your kid has any type of neuro divergence which is very common
 
@gavenv So smart that you are talking about this now! Gentle parenting can feel really weird and not natural at first, especially if he grew up in an authoritative house. If you can, you should both start practicing gentle parenting techniques when baby is born and then things will feel more natural when the baby gets bigger. Also, try not to be too harsh with each other if/when you mess up. Apologize to the kid and try to be better, its really powerful and a great way to model apologizing.
 
@torrance55 Thank you! I've been overwhelmed by all the comments talking about how horrible spanking is (which I completely agree, I hate spanking!) and some even saying this discussion won't do anything lol. I appreciate the advice :D
 
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