Parenting discussion w/ husband

[gavenv]

My husband and I are expecting our daughter in early December. I am all about gentle parenting but he doesn't know much about it. He agrees with spanking depending on the situation and I do not. I want to have a good discussion with him about our personal views on parenting so we can get a better understanding of each other and even try to compromise on stuff. I have some scenarios listed out and how I would handle them, as well as asking how he would handle the same situation.

So far what I have listed to talk about are: A scenario where she is 1.5YO and involving impulse control, a scenario where she is 2 and doesn't want to leave the park, spanking, emotional regulation, and an article that talks about gentle parenting

Anything I should add?

 

[chamberlain94]

@gavenv Where exactly is there room to compromise with spanking?

Spanking has been illegal in Denmark in almost 30 years. Much longer in Sweden. It still happens, but it is NOT considered good parenting. It's considered abuse. My son's daycare has yearly refresher courses on how to detect signs of abuse whether it leaves marks or not, and the leader is absolutely cold as to why the parents might have done it - it gets reported to the authorities.

There are plenty of people here who manage to raise well regulated and functioning adults without spanking.

What does your husband hope to achieve? What lesson will spanking or hitting teach the child except that people who are physically bigger can get away with physical abuse?

 

[mamike]

@chamberlain94 In 2020, Scotland became the 58th country to ban smacking/spanking. It is abuse. There is no situation where hitting a child is justifiable.

 

[eriksun]

@chamberlain94 I didn't get regular spanking, but my father did slap me two or three times when I was around elementary school age. I still remember that it didn't teach me to behave or be a better person, it taught me to be afraid of him.

It wasn't nearly frequent enough to dominate or destroy my relationship with him. He normally wasn't an aggressive or domineering person at all, and I have a lot of positive memories of him, too – but those couple of slaps were still enough put a strain on our relationship that never quite went away.

TL;DR: Slapping/spanking doesn't solve anything. It only creates more problems.

 

[okieallday]

@eriksun A slap in the face is so much worse than a smack to the butt

 

[kickthichphattiren689]

@chamberlain94

Spanking has been illegal in Denmark in almost 30 years. Much longer in Sweden. It still happens, but it is NOT considered good parenting. It's considered abuse. My son's daycare has yearly refresher courses on how to detect signs of abuse whether it leaves marks or not, and the leader is absolutely cold as to why the parents might have done it - it gets reported to the authorities.

You're underselling it. It's also social radon. Nobody wants to fraternise with a child abuser. You're basically ostracised – unless you're hanging out with others who have done the same, but then your social life consists of the kind of scum who would do such things, and that's even worse.

 

[chamberlain94]

@kickthichphattiren689 That's a fair point!!! It's a perfect way to get shunned. It's the type of action that makes others think "what (else) is wrong with you since you think that is okay". Nobody wants to have such friends themselves or send their children to playdates in such a home.

 

[guevaraj]

@gavenv You may want to share this American Academy of Pediatrics position paper on corporal punishment (spoiler: don't).

The consequences associated with parental corporal punishment are summarized as follows:

• corporal punishment of children younger than 18 months of age increases the likelihood of physical injury;
• repeated use of corporal punishment may lead to aggressive behavior and altercations between the parent and child and may negatively affect the parent-child relationship;
• corporal punishment is associated with increased aggression in preschool and school-aged children;
• experiencing corporal punishment makes it more, not less, likely that children will be defiant and aggressive in the future;
• corporal punishment is associated with an increased risk of mental health disorders and cognition problems;
• the risk of harsh punishment is increased when the family is experiencing stressors, such as family economic challenges, mental health problems, intimate partner violence, or substance abuse; and
• spanking alone is associated with adverse outcomes, and these outcomes are similar to those in children who experience physical abuse.

The association between corporal punishment and adverse adult health outcomes was examined in a 2017 report that analyzed original data from the 1998 Adverse Childhood Experiences Study, which recommended that spanking be considered as an additional independent risk factor, similar in nature and effect to other adverse childhood experiences. In their analysis of the original 1998 Adverse Childhood Experiences study data, the investigators found that spanking was associated with increased odds of suicide attempts, moderate-to-heavy drinking, and substance use disorder in adulthood independent of the risks associated with having experienced physical and emotional abuse.

I'm not going to lie—I would find it hard to coparent with my partner if they thought it was acceptable to be violent with our children. While I appreciate that you're trying to find a middle ground here, it's also okay (maybe even necessary) to draw a firm line in the sand when it comes to protecting the physical and mental health of your children, even from your partner. I'm not saying divorce him—but it's okay to say "I refuse to parent like that so we'll need to find an alternative that doesn't involve us hitting our children" rather than "let's find a compromise."

 

[wolfe17]

@guevaraj Yes to everything you said. Well put.

 

[ctay6318]

@gavenv Maybe this is just me, but... there are some things that I wouldn't dignify with a discussion. Like, spanking isn't a "let's hear both sides, because they're both equal and right" kind of thing. Sort of like those cringey country music videos from the 2000s where a former KKK member and a Black person sit down together (I think I'm thinking of Kenny Chesney "Some People Change" lol).

Anyway, my husband floated spanking as something he thought was okay, and I told him no, no way, never, and don't bring it up again or else. I told him to do his own research. It's not my job to do his parenting for him! He knows he can say goodbye to his kids and me if he ever considers spanking. (He has seen the light, lol. I think he genuinely understands why it's a bad idea now.)

I am all for having a sympathetic talk about where he's coming from, how he was raised, where his views on spanking originate, etc. Just not really feeling the open discussion about corporal punishment itself. That, to me, is a no, case closed, that box ain't opening, thank you.

Anyway, just how I do things. Good luck!

 

[thickandthin]

@ctay6318 While I get what you're saying, I do think OP's approach could help, in that sometimes people need to know what the alternatives are. Thinking through specific scenarios, and talking about what you can do to address them instead of spanking could help OP's husband understand the "how" of no spanking, even if OP is firm about that boundary.

 

[ctay6318]

@thickandthin Yeah, on thinking about it, I think I'd favor a gentle approach pre-baby. It's just hard to picture everything before baby arrives, especially for fathers. So much can change once baby comes!

(I remember all the things I swore I'd do, before my first was born. My husband, too. Turns out we're both giant softies, lol.)

Anyway, good luck with the new baby, OP!