One and done not by choice?

[tims64]

Hi all,

As titled. I see a lot of posts about OAD by choice, I wonder if there are any parents here like me that are one and done but not by choice?

My son has special needs. Kids w his condition face a possibility of lifelong disability and my husband and I only have the means to support one child if that’s the case. We don’t wanna play genetic roulette and have another child that might have the same condition. Even if the second child were healthy it still wouldn’t be fair to straddle them w the care of the elder sibling when my husband and I pass away.

We’re both firm on OAD but I still can’t help but mourn the family I hoped to have. I always wanted at least 2 children. Seeing my friends having more children and frankly, even seeing my OAD friends enjoying their life as parents to healthy children makes me intensely sad inside. I love my son nonetheless but it’s been very difficult. Just looking for fellow parents to commiserate with.

 

[paradise_falls]

@tims64 I haven’t been in your shoes, but I just want to say you must be a really thoughtful and intentional parent. To put aside your own wants and visions of what your family would look like and instead set up your life so you can give the kiddo you have your very best. All of your resources, time, and attention can now go to making this kids life the very best and that’s awesome and selfless. I’m sorry life threw a monkey wrench in your plans, but this is a really nice community of people who are one and done for a lot of different reasons.

 

[katrina2017]

@paradise_falls Your kind response made me tear up a bit

 

[skyybluegirl]

@tims64 Hey. My husband and I are in a similar boat to you guys. Our daughter was born with a heart condition and we were told another pregnancy had a higher risk of also being another heart condition and possibly a worse one at that. I struggled with feeling like her disability is my fault. We wanted to have more than one and now suddenly it was complicated both medically and possibly burdening one child be the caregiver of the other at some point.

Our daughter is doing great and so far only had one corrective procedure done at 8 days old. After we were told that her condition had improved and her prognosis was no more surgeries necessary people immediately started asking if we would try for another. Even people who know why we are firmly OAD. It hurt. I cried when I heard one of our friends is pregnant with a third and then I got emotional again when our other friends announced a second. I'm very happy for them but for some reason felt immensely guilty we couldn't do the same.

It sounds cheesy but try to be gentle with yourself(I'm still not great at this lol). Parents in our shoes might always feel a tinge of guilt/loss no matter how great being OAD has turned out because it was chosen for us and not by us. You aren't alone.

 

[vandientu]

@tims64 I hear you.

I had undiagnosed PCOS, which led to fertility issues. By the time I hit 40, I had resigned myself to being childless. My pregnancy at 42 was a complete surprise. I thought that I wouldn't be able to carry to term due to family medical history, but I happily did. The recognition of my PCOS during pregnancy ultrasounds led to a treatment plan, and by my last trimester, I tentatively began talking about planning for a 2nd as a sibling for our first (my husband and I each have one sibling).

While I was in labor, my uterus ruptured, tearing all the way through my cervix. My son was precipitously born into the world and I was rushed into emergency surgery to stop me from bleeding out. The surgery resulted in a total hysterectomy. Lost uterus, cervix, tubes and one ovary.

But at least my PCOS was resolved! (/s)

Any thought of a 2nd vanished that day, but I suppose I really hadn't seriously thought much about it. I don't dwell on it. As my son gets older, I'm grateful for our family as it is.

I'm a mom the age of most of his classmates' grandparents, and have an increasingly difficult time keeping up with him. He was diagnosed ADHD last fall, and following that, I was as well. The pregnancy and surgery left permanent changes to me physically, and now I am entering early menopause.

If I had managed a second, my life would be utter chaos and I wouldn't be able to give anyone the attention they deserve. As it is, it takes everything I have to give him what he needs. I often feel like I'm falling apart while trying to support him.

 

[needhelpdaily]

@vandientu Wow, so glad you're recovering! Do they have any reason why your uterus erupted?

 

[vandientu]

@needhelpdaily Thanks, my son is almost 6 now, so we're as recovered from his birth as possible, now aging is just kicking my butt. ;-P

They never offered any explanation, but I'm going to be asking for a copy of the written record as I have other issues that might relate to it. I might not ever get an answer, but I can at least look into it.

 

[needhelpdaily]

@vandientu That is so crazy! I'm so sorry that happened. I hope you find answers.

 

[aramazd]

@tims64 OAD not by choice here, but coming around to the idea.

I had my, now almost 2 year old, daughter 11 weeks early due to preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. After the emergency C-section at 29 weeks my liver ruptured and both of us almost died. I spent some time in ICU and went through PT and therapy for PTSD and anxiety/depression. My baby fought in NICU for 6 long months and we are still working on some things through therapy to this day. Thankfully, other than being small, she is healthy.

I was warned by my OB that if I tried to get pregnant again it would be extremely high risk. My husband and I discussed it and we decided that it is not worth risking our daughter potentially growing up without her mom. It gets annoying sometimes knowing my mom and grandma are still holding out hope for more babies from me, but my family has been through enough so it’s just not going to happen.

Seeing my friends and family all having normal pregnancies and babies is hard sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade my daughter for the world. I’m glad I get to pour all of my love into her and make her my main focus. I am happy that I have the time to get to know the amazing little person she is becoming. I couldn’t imagine having to split my focus for her with another kid.

Hang in there momma. It’s ok to feel all of those feelings. Sending the biggest of hugs your way!

 

[neichole]

@tims64 Yep, pretty much. Husband and I waited 6 years to have children. One miscarriage, D&C,
a myomectomy, and cervical cerclage later, I'm currently 7 months pregnant. Only to find out I have an incompetent cervix. We've always thought we would have two children, but my body had other plans. After everything, we're so incredibly grateful to be a future family of 3.

I think you are an amazing parent to devote all of your love and care to your son. Deciding to have one chid in cases like ours is one of the best choices we can make for our families, stability, and health. Wishing the best for you, stay encouraged ❤

 

[jandi]

@tims64 I am also OAD not by choice. I have very different circumstances. I’m gay and always knew I wanted to be a mom. My partner and I got pregnant after multiple rounds of fertility treatments. We had discussed having a second 2-3 years after our first. When I broached the subject about a year after our daughter was born, partner did not feel ready. And didn’t think a second child was going to work for us. I still went to get assessed for fertility treatments just so we could have a full picture of the situation, and my doctor recommended moving straight to IVF. Basically took a second off the table right there.

It is one of those things that just always makes me a bit sad. I ended up divorcing the partner who I had my daughter with. (His coldness and disinterest in my feelings of loss around not having another child being one of many things that led to said divorce). I am remarried to a wonderful and kind woman, but now with my daughter being 9 years old, I don’t know if I can even get back in the headspace or even want to try.

It’s nice to connect with others carrying these feelings around.

 

[sofiahh]

@tims64 I just wanted to say you sound like such a deeply caring person. A better and more devoted parent than many ever have to rise up to be. Sending best wishes to you.

 

[caleb116]

@tims64 I am one and done not by choice but I’m at peace with it. We did three rounds of IVF and my son was lucky #7 embryo. We had one embryo left but it was mosaic and chances it would work is low based on previous experience. We’ve since donated the embryo to research.

I love my little family and I find the perks of easier travel and lower daycare expenses make it worth it. I feel like we can entertain private school with one ( no govt high school in our town).

 

[kristen_123443]

@tims64 I feel everyone has really good reasons here so mine feels so small in comparison. I am one and done because I separated with my ex and I never intended to be a single parent. Now that I am one, i would like another kid but i don't want a kid with my POS ex, and I don't want to use a sperm donor or just randomly get knocked up. I set it in my heart that if my child becomes 7, i don't want to put my body thru pregnancy again and that's in 1.5 years and i haven't met anyone good enough to be a dad to my potential 2nd born. So i grieve for my 2nd born. My kid is wonderful and is in the "i need a sibling" stage so it breaks my heart but i can't do it if the circumstances are not right.. Sorry i just needed to vent. I know my "not by choice" is so silly compared to everyone who had scary pregnancies/birth but it still makes me sad

 

[guest79]

@kristen_123443 It's not silly at all! Hugs to you! I totally see your point and it is valid!

 

[kristen_123443]

@guest79 Aww thanks kind stranger

 

[neichole]

@kristen_123443 Just popping in to let you know your reason for being OAD is just as "good" as the rest of us! You know what's best for you, and if that means having only one kid, that's more than good enough!

 

[zam]

@tims64 Hi! Mom of a 2 year old with a rare genetic kidney disease. It’s autosomal recessive so we too are one and done because of this. His future medical needs are unknown, the chances of survival at birth of this disease aren’t the best and I know mentally I couldn’t handle that. It’s a devastating disease and I feel guilty enough for subjecting him to it to begin with.

I too am still mourning the family I thought I was supposed to have had - two to three kids, you know, what I always envisioned. Processing the medical trauma we have been through and will inevitably continue to face. It’s so hard. You’re not alone. Sending love from
Someone who unfortunately gets it

 

[katrina2017]

@tims64 Also OAD by circumstances and not by choice. The grief I have experienced over wanting a second child is one of the most painful ordeals I have been through in my life. Therapy helped me process our loss and trauma, but I still take an antidepressant to help me cope. I'll never fully be at peace with it, but I've at least reached a point where I'm not angry and I am finally able to appreciate some of the benefits of having an only.

 

[0nedayatatime]

@tims64 I can tell you how I got here. After my eldest I had two children. A daughter in 2014 and a son in 2019. Great pregnancies and everything was fine till right after birth both developed horrific complications and died in agony. In 2014 I was told it would never happen again so after many fearful anxious years I did try again and yet my son ended up also having fatal issues although different. Every parent's nightmare. If my children had lived they would have had a huge amount of complications and challenges. I decided at my son's funeral that I was never going to have more. My eldest deserves a loving, healthy parent and I would stop thinking about more children. A long mental journey later and I am much better now. I have my bad days but I know that her life is not impacted by siblings with special needs. Because my life was overshadowed by 2 severely disabled younger siblings that I, to this day, take of physically, mentally and financially. You see my mother had wanted a sibling for me. I understand how she felt because I had thought the same way but I wish she hadn't and I wished I had not tried for another.