OAD because one’s spouse isn’t the right person

[freedom1969]

I’ve always wanted two or three children, but decided to be OAD, because my spouse is a pathological narcissist and I need to guard and prepare myself, my kid, my career, and my financial independence for the worst and another child will significantly reduce my chance of being independent.

I grew up happy as the only child and enjoy my parents’ undivided attention and love, so I honestly think that from a child’s perspective, being the only child has more benefits, but from time to time I am sad that I can’t have any more children. I love motherhood; being a mother to my child makes me happy and full.

My pregnancy and postpartum period were filled with emotionally abusive episodes (he really took advantage of me being vulnerable and I’m still working on and fighting back to reset the boundaries that he pushed hard during those days), so on the one hand I don’t want to repeat them ever, but on the other hand it makes me sad that I can only imagine what they would have been like had I had a supportive spouse.

I know many in this sub OAD was a couple’s conscious decision, but wonder if there is anyone else in the same boat.

 

[ethonhauler]

@freedom1969 Sounds like you need a new spouse.

 

[freedom1969]

@ethonhauler Yes, that’s a possibility, but when I leave, I want to focus on nurturing my child.

 

[corta]

@freedom1969 Do you feel like you’re able to focus on nurturing your child while you’re currently in this marriage? Because it sounds like a lot of your focus is on protecting yourself from the emotional abuse of your spouse

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@corta This is a good point - it's very hard to be the parent you want to be when you are consumed with navigating an abusive relationship . People like this are exhausting to live with, and for every day that you stay, you really are paying the price. It's like a vampire slowly sucking the life out of you, yet you still have to find the energy to give your child all that they need and not completely fall apart in the process.

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@freedom1969 Firstly, I'm sorry you are in this situation at all. Your spouse sounds very much like my ex-partner, but I did not have children with him. Living with him and dealing with his behaviors and mental/emotional abuse for years, profoundly affected me and probably always will. Getting away from him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do - he had convinced me he would try to harm himself if I ever left. I felt trapped with someone who had ruined my life, yet I felt guilty for leaving, should he do something to himself. After our break-up, I met my now husband who is an angel, but the abuses of my ex caused me to have a lot of trust and intimacy issues. I found myself getting easily defensive over nothing - I was SO used to fighting and arguing that I did not know how to have a truly healthy relationship. It took a long time to build up to that point.

In regards to your current situation, I ABSOLUTELY think it is wise to NOT have another child with this person. As you know, MANY women feel trapped with abusive partners due to children and/or financial dependency. Do NOT make the situation any more difficult than it already is. I would focus on education, skills, employment, etc., - WHATEVER you need to do to take care of yourself in the end. If your partner ever becomes physically abusive, get out immediately.

It sounds like you wish you could re-do your pregnancy, birth and post-partum period with a caring partner - many women wish they could re-do these things for whatever reason. It just isn't reality! A second baby isn't a re-do; it's a completely different experience with a whole new human. You cannot re-do the experience with your firstborn, as much as you were robbed and deserved better!

I don't know how old you are, but if you are still reasonably young, then it IS possible you could eventually meet a new partner and have another child someday. However, you have a lot to deal with before you get anywhere near that point.

Please take care of yourself, and do whatever you need to do to keep you (and your child) healthy and safe. I HIGHLY recommend getting therapy when (hopefully) you are free of this person. You have been through trauma and it's important to heal from it before beginning a new relationship.

 

[freedom1969]

@ababwaalijaz Thank you so much for your kind words. Thank you for taking the time to write to me.

I agree with everything you say. He is the best dad to my child when he is in a good mood, and my toddler loves him very much, which makes it difficult for me to leave.

I was also told by a few attorneys that it will be 50-50 custody, so I’d rather be with my child full-time dealing with a narcissist than going through a co-parenting hell and seeing my kid every other week.

It all started after I got pregnant. However, even if I leave, I don’t think I will have another baby just because I want to experience happy pregnancy. I would want to focus on nurturing my child.

 

[lilichka]

@freedom1969 Please be careful with that mindset. That’s exactly what my mother did & waited until I was 16 to divorce. I grew up with parents who fought constantly & my father’s problems never stayed with just my mom. I promise your child wants you to be happy & not stick it out in a bad marriage for their sake. However I empathize that this is not an easy decision for you at all. Best of luck!

 

[jayfrost123]

@freedom1969 A good parent would respect their child’s other parent/their partner.

 

[stronglady]

@freedom1969 50/50 with young kids often looks like 3 days on/3 days off. If you leave in the same town and near the school/daycare that’s doable.

 

[lccpmoouc]

@freedom1969 Yes but I didn't stay with my ex. He was a real POS and it hit home one day that by staying, I was showing my daughter that it was okay for women to be mistreated and abused. As in, if I stayed then my choice would contribute to her living in a home with fist sized holes in the wall, a dad who hurled terrible threats towards her mom, who carried through on his threats...

I couldn't live with myself if my kid grew up thinking that my ex was the standard or even acceptable in terms of a partner. I would have loved two kids, but there wasn't a hope in hell that I would have another with that guy. Even with him out of the picture, my daugther and I both needed a lot of therapy- and she was only 18 months old when I cut ties with her dad.

 

[thehunted]

@lccpmoouc My SO isn't that bad but he has his moments. This is the phrase that always makes me think. Would I be okay with anyone talking to my daughter like this? I also say the same thing to him when he is in his moods. I'm forcing therapy as a result and he is seeing that I'm serious and hopefully starting to understand that his parents behaviors in their relationship ended their marriage and he is doing exactly what they did, eventually our daughter will repeat our behaviors and so on.

 

[bezukhov]

@freedom1969 I’m sorry you’ll be OAD this way. I understand why you would be. Doesn’t make it any less painful though.

But I hope you won’t be OAD when it comes to your husband, and that you get to break free and get a second go with someone who will treat you well.

 

[friendlyatheist37]

@freedom1969 You guys should break up. My child’s father is everything you described. We broke up when my kid was 5 months and I’ve been on my own since. It’s not impossible to do but that’s my unsolicited advice.

You asked about being in the same boat and my answer is yes. My ex ruined my entire pregnancy, birthing, and postpartum period. He left me alone all the time neglecting every need I may have had and that alone turned me away from more kids. After I have my baby, I’m left alone to do everything even though he was always in arms reach. So I already had postpartum depression and I was forced to work around the clock literally sleeping 1 and 1/2 hours to 2 hours at a time. I grew resentment for the whole situation and everyone involved.

To this day I believe I would have been a great mom to multiple but because of what I went through, I would never put myself in that position again.

 

[katrina2017]

@freedom1969 I don’t have kids but I would 100% do the same in your situation. I’ve always thought that being OAD is a good contingency plan in case a relationship goes south—and even marriages that start out happily can end for all sorts of reasons. I could deal with being a single parent to one kid financially and practically, but more than that and meeting all their needs would be a struggle.

Best of luck in getting out of this awful situation. You sound like a great mom and I really hope you can eventually build the life you want.

 

[sarsardonic]

@freedom1969 I’m kind of in the same boat. I’m an only child and I’ve never felt the need to have a sibling as my parents made sure I got all the love I ever needed. However, my husband grew up with siblings and always wanted to have two kids and I kinda warmed up to the idea too. Until I got pregnant with my first. He treated me horribly during my pregnancy and postpartum and made me realize he never truly loved me. While he’s a great dad, he failed to be a good spouse. He has never done a night shift even when he saw me literally dying the next day from sleep deprivation and pain as according to him, that’s my “job” while I’m on mat leave.
And no i can’t simply get up and leave even though that’s what I want to do as I can never love/respect him again after how he treated me when I was the most vulnerable. I can’t bear to give her up to him for 50% of the time if we end up in a divorce. I know he’ll be a good dad to her if he had to do it alone but I can’t let him give her the same values he got from his parents and ruin her life. He has already started talking about a second one and I can only hope I can stand strong in my stance

 

[ethangreyuk]

@freedom1969 I am in the same boat. Getting my career / finances in order to be independent . He is an amazing father, but a terrible partner. My kids happiness depends on my happiness and bringing another into our family would not be best. I always wanted my daughter to have a sibling (my sister is my best friend) but she has a cousin she is super close with (my sisters daughter) so that will do. We will always co parent and I feel like get along, but we are just not meant to be together

 

[snowman37]

@freedom1969 It looks like I am headed that way. Though for me having a kid really seemed to trigger him, we knew eachother for 10 years before she was born. But he isn't that person anymore. He isn't a good person now. Wishing you luck and strength.

 

[linkkon]

@snowman37 I feel this!!

 

[davp]

@freedom1969 So sorry you’re dealing with that difficult decision and the ongoing pain. I ended up leaving my abusive ex in my early 30s right before we started trying for a kid, knowing I was risking not having kids ever (finding another partner and having kids in my 30s is a tight timeline). I was lucky in that he showed his hand before we had a kid, so I had enough time to make a plan to escape. Sending you good, strong, resilient vibes