OAD because H and I are not a good parental partnership

[marlien]

Growing up, I always said I never wanted kids. Fast forward many years to when I met my husband. We got married and had 1 kid. Now, we are both 36 and my son is 1.5 years old.

I started taking lexapro to manage PPD 9 months ago. Mood is stabilized, but everyday seems grim because of the reality of “wtf have I gotten myself into.” My husband and I have a lot of fun together but that’s where it ends. He is not handy one bit, he does not take initiative in my sons care, he has health anxiety and is always concerned with his body issues over anything else, he doesn’t cook or clean anything without reminders. But he DOES take the trash out every week and will make it known when he is doing it. As far as I’m concerned he does the bare minimum as a dad.

I’ve never wanted kids so having 1 is enough for me (and sometimes honestly more than enough). Yesterday we both came to the realization that we would have more kids if we were with different partners - him with someone who wanted more kids and me with someone who did more as a father/husband.

We’ve never had this discussion before so it was sad on different levels. Anyone else OAD because of the realities of the family unit with their partner?

 

[unseenunknown]

@marlien OP has your husband sought help? It sounds like you’re trying to help your mental health but is he?

Sorry, that’s the thing that strikes me here.

 

[dave121261]

@marlien I am.

My husband and I are best friends and he’s a great dad. But we really struggle as a team maintaining the household and splitting responsibilities of our child. More children would just make it even more stressful, so I’ve put my foot down about having more.

 

[frknfly]

@marlien I don't think people talk enough about how hard having children is on a marriage/relationship. I had an idea of how much it would take a toll on my husband and I's relationship, but I feel blindsided with the depth of how hard things have been (also just as an individual).

It also struck me to read that while your husband does the bare minimum as a partner/father, he apparently would rather be with someone who wants more children? That makes no sense to me though I do understand that's a somewhat common sentiment among men who are fathers. I am sorry that your guy isn't more helpful, I can't imagine how hard that is.

 

[bynom]

@frknfly I'm guessing he meant he'd be willing to have more kids IF he was with someone who wanted them so badly they were willing take on 90% of the child related tasks

 

[cdmcbub]

@marlien My husband was snipped this week.

I always wanted 2. He only ever wanted 1. I firmly believe a child should be two enthusiastic yes's, or a no.

He tries to he a good dad and does try to help, but his anxiety often gets in the way. I feel like I have to teach him how to parent.

I finally accepted it when I realized our marriage would never survive a second.

 

[lazzy]

@marlien Omg….my brother that lives in my basement is a better partner than your husband. And I barely see him, Jfc. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

 

[eshwarbaul]

@marlien Your husband not doing much (and when doing something boasting about it) will eat you up. It will only increase for the next few years and once it is done you will probably resent his attitude for you will only then realise how much you have done and how much it has worn you out.

Aside from oad or multiples, try and change that situation. It would not surprise me if that is part of why you need lexapro to get you through the day.

Sorry for being blunt.

 

[sofa24h]

@marlien Could he also have ADHD? Take a look at the adhd partners sun and see if anything sounds familiar.

 

[godwithus]

@sofa24h I have ADHD and am a mother. A lot of mothers have ADHD and it's a struggle but we don't have the option of not parenting our kids, js

 

[jadedmuse]

@godwithus Preach! Soon to be ex husband and I both have ADHD. I constantly overfunctioned and took on the vast majority of the mental load and organization of our family. He did more day to day tasks than this guy did but was always using his ADHD as an excuse while still expecting me to power through mine to make sure we stayed afloat. Not the whole reason he’ll be my ex husband but certainly a big one.