OAD because H and I are not a good parental partnership

[marlien]

Growing up, I always said I never wanted kids. Fast forward many years to when I met my husband. We got married and had 1 kid. Now, we are both 36 and my son is 1.5 years old.

I started taking lexapro to manage PPD 9 months ago. Mood is stabilized, but everyday seems grim because of the reality of “wtf have I gotten myself into.” My husband and I have a lot of fun together but that’s where it ends. He is not handy one bit, he does not take initiative in my sons care, he has health anxiety and is always concerned with his body issues over anything else, he doesn’t cook or clean anything without reminders. But he DOES take the trash out every week and will make it known when he is doing it. As far as I’m concerned he does the bare minimum as a dad.

I’ve never wanted kids so having 1 is enough for me (and sometimes honestly more than enough). Yesterday we both came to the realization that we would have more kids if we were with different partners - him with someone who wanted more kids and me with someone who did more as a father/husband.

We’ve never had this discussion before so it was sad on different levels. Anyone else OAD because of the realities of the family unit with their partner?

 

[unseenunknown]

@marlien OP has your husband sought help? It sounds like you’re trying to help your mental health but is he?

Sorry, that’s the thing that strikes me here.

 

[dave121261]

@marlien I am.

My husband and I are best friends and he’s a great dad. But we really struggle as a team maintaining the household and splitting responsibilities of our child. More children would just make it even more stressful, so I’ve put my foot down about having more.

 

[frknfly]

@marlien I don't think people talk enough about how hard having children is on a marriage/relationship. I had an idea of how much it would take a toll on my husband and I's relationship, but I feel blindsided with the depth of how hard things have been (also just as an individual).

It also struck me to read that while your husband does the bare minimum as a partner/father, he apparently would rather be with someone who wants more children? That makes no sense to me though I do understand that's a somewhat common sentiment among men who are fathers. I am sorry that your guy isn't more helpful, I can't imagine how hard that is.

 

[bynom]

@frknfly I'm guessing he meant he'd be willing to have more kids IF he was with someone who wanted them so badly they were willing take on 90% of the child related tasks

 

[cdmcbub]

@marlien My husband was snipped this week.

I always wanted 2. He only ever wanted 1. I firmly believe a child should be two enthusiastic yes's, or a no.

He tries to he a good dad and does try to help, but his anxiety often gets in the way. I feel like I have to teach him how to parent.

I finally accepted it when I realized our marriage would never survive a second.

 

[lazzy]

@marlien Omg….my brother that lives in my basement is a better partner than your husband. And I barely see him, Jfc. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

 

[eshwarbaul]

@marlien Your husband not doing much (and when doing something boasting about it) will eat you up. It will only increase for the next few years and once it is done you will probably resent his attitude for you will only then realise how much you have done and how much it has worn you out.

Aside from oad or multiples, try and change that situation. It would not surprise me if that is part of why you need lexapro to get you through the day.

Sorry for being blunt.

 

[sofa24h]

@marlien Could he also have ADHD? Take a look at the adhd partners sun and see if anything sounds familiar.

 

[godwithus]

@sofa24h I have ADHD and am a mother. A lot of mothers have ADHD and it's a struggle but we don't have the option of not parenting our kids, js

 

[jadedmuse]

@godwithus Preach! Soon to be ex husband and I both have ADHD. I constantly overfunctioned and took on the vast majority of the mental load and organization of our family. He did more day to day tasks than this guy did but was always using his ADHD as an excuse while still expecting me to power through mine to make sure we stayed afloat. Not the whole reason he’ll be my ex husband but certainly a big one.

 

[xxxfokaxxx]

@sofa24h With ADHD you might forget to do something, not do the absolute bare minimum. You might accidentally forget to put away the laundry because it’s not a task that needs to get done right away. But it’s not like you don’t initiate any care tasks related to your child, like changing their diaper, feeding them, giving them a bath etc. because that definitely needs to get done right away.

The husband doesn’t sound like he has ADHD, he sounds entitled. The fact that he doesn’t seem to recognize that they won’t have any more children because he doesn’t help out while being delusional about someone else having more kids with his speaks volumes, IMHO.

 

[rkm]

@sofa24h Did you mean sub?

 

[v]

@marlien Same, but different.

On the practical side: My husband works 50 hours per week, but doesn't drive. It means some things take longer.

Emotionally and mentally; he also needs more attention from me than I can give him right now with a baby (16 weeks). I wouldn't know how to split my time three-ways plus work and my hobbies.

 

[jfhodge852]

@marlien INFO: Why do you say “my kid” instead of “our kid” when referring to to him as a parent?

 

[kyalawamaka]

@marlien Yep. I love having my (our) daughter and I would absolutely try to have more - but my husband’s workload/schedule just doesn’t make that possible without making my life miserable. He often works 60-80 hrs per week without a lot of warning (thankfully his salary makes up for that inconvenience), while I have your typical 9-5. He’s happy to throw money at our “problems” like housekeeping and food prep and additional childcare - but I prefer being able to do at least some of those things. To add another kiddo into the mix would be more than I could handle and would shortchange our daughter, I think. I wish we had more time but we’re in our early 40s so it’s really now or never. And sadly, I think never is the right answer for us.