@leonardod I’m in a similar but not same boat - I KNOW that going through pregnancy and infanthood / early toddlerhood a second time will destroy my mental health and I’ve even told my husband that.
We have ONE 15-month old. No village. We are somewhat high income (our taxable income on our tax return starts with a 3) in a medium COL city so we can fortunately afford some degree of paid childcare help.
I have a few hobbies / passions that are incredibly time-consuming (competitive distance running, currently finishing a novel, international travel…i was a digital nomad before i “settled down” in the burbs).
And i just don’t feel like myself at all.
I LOVE being my son’s mom.
I always believed (for me) that kids was a “have 0 or have 2+” thing.
I was an only child who struggled mightily to make friends; my first real friend (ie not an acquaintance or close coworker or friendly neighbor) that I ever met in my life was my husband whom I met at the ripe age of 40.
I literally had ZERO FRIENDS until I was 40. I tried to throw birthday parties a few times and no one would come, so I just gave up after a while.
Oh, i’m 43 and I could be at the end of my rope re conceiving naturally. We are totally gucci w adoption though, but that is not an easy process.
I’m literally terrified of having just one. I remember my life before I met my husband- loneliness, alienation, being constantly the target of bullying in school, and learning at an early age how worthless I was. I don’t want him to go through that for decades of his life until he, like, meets a life partner like I did.
But I know logically that some only children still manage to make friends even if they do not have cousins nearby, and that many only children manage to make lifelong “chosen family.” I just am socially unlucky, but that’s scarred me enough to want to give my son the exact opposite of what my childhood was like.
TLDR - I would sacrifice my mental health if it meant that my son wouldn’t go through decades of loneliness and anguish like I did. But would his experience be the same? The ONLY reason I’d be having another kid would be so he’d have someone . But what if he manages to make friends and doesn’t ever think twice about a sibling?
We also have no cousins for him as my husband is no-contact with his sister. And I’m not close with any of my cousins.
I broke down to my husband that I just don’t think I can have another child (ie go thru the infant / toddler phase) and keep my mental health and he seems to be totally fine with that and that I’ll get over it…..
We have ONE 15-month old. No village. We are somewhat high income (our taxable income on our tax return starts with a 3) in a medium COL city so we can fortunately afford some degree of paid childcare help.
I have a few hobbies / passions that are incredibly time-consuming (competitive distance running, currently finishing a novel, international travel…i was a digital nomad before i “settled down” in the burbs).
And i just don’t feel like myself at all.
I LOVE being my son’s mom.
I always believed (for me) that kids was a “have 0 or have 2+” thing.
I was an only child who struggled mightily to make friends; my first real friend (ie not an acquaintance or close coworker or friendly neighbor) that I ever met in my life was my husband whom I met at the ripe age of 40.
I literally had ZERO FRIENDS until I was 40. I tried to throw birthday parties a few times and no one would come, so I just gave up after a while.
Oh, i’m 43 and I could be at the end of my rope re conceiving naturally. We are totally gucci w adoption though, but that is not an easy process.
I’m literally terrified of having just one. I remember my life before I met my husband- loneliness, alienation, being constantly the target of bullying in school, and learning at an early age how worthless I was. I don’t want him to go through that for decades of his life until he, like, meets a life partner like I did.
But I know logically that some only children still manage to make friends even if they do not have cousins nearby, and that many only children manage to make lifelong “chosen family.” I just am socially unlucky, but that’s scarred me enough to want to give my son the exact opposite of what my childhood was like.
TLDR - I would sacrifice my mental health if it meant that my son wouldn’t go through decades of loneliness and anguish like I did. But would his experience be the same? The ONLY reason I’d be having another kid would be so he’d have someone . But what if he manages to make friends and doesn’t ever think twice about a sibling?
We also have no cousins for him as my husband is no-contact with his sister. And I’m not close with any of my cousins.
I broke down to my husband that I just don’t think I can have another child (ie go thru the infant / toddler phase) and keep my mental health and he seems to be totally fine with that and that I’ll get over it…..
