@dtttttttd Yeah. He’s tried to apologize a couple times now but there’s always a BUT… I’m really sick, I have pneumonia, I’m allowed to have an opinion too (which is the most messed up, you’re saying your opinion is that I’m a fucking bitch?). I’ve told him that until the apology includes a sincere understanding of how damaging his initial words and his double down via text, with NO justifications, I’m not interested. I don’t think he’s ever going to get it.
My husband called me a f*cking b*tch in front of our 2 year old and won’t apologize
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@dtttttttd I can tell that his priority is to get recognition and compassion for being sick, but I just do not have that to give after this kind of repeated treatment.
@doots Don’t tolerate it. Tell him that he can feel however he wants but it doesn’t mean he can verbally abuse you. Being sick isn’t an excuse to verbally abuse your spouse. I wouldn’t acknowledge his existence until he apologizes. Don’t do anything for him. If he calls you out let him know until he apologizes you will have nothing to do with him.
@doots I’d tell him that next time you are unwell, you expect to go in a room, close the door, and not be bothered for 4 days while he waits on you. If he says a word to you or asks for help, call him a fucking asshole and refuse to apologize.
In all seriousness- this level of disrespect says a lot about how he views you. On top of that, when trying to talk about it afterwards, he doubles down, so it’s not something he regrets that he said in anger.
I’m gonna guess this isn’t an isolated incident. You deserve better.
In all seriousness- this level of disrespect says a lot about how he views you. On top of that, when trying to talk about it afterwards, he doubles down, so it’s not something he regrets that he said in anger.
I’m gonna guess this isn’t an isolated incident. You deserve better.
@myhenry44 I would unironically do this. (Though I know I couldn't actually, haha)
mistyann0414
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@mistyann0414 I’m moving out this week. This kind of behavior is not okay.
lostlambjenny
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@doots You’ve honestly done all you can to get him to hear you and respect you. I speak from experience that this doesn’t get better till he has a meet his maker moment (actually separating). But you have to be ready to accept that for anything to maybe actually change on his end (once he realizes what he can lose). I don’t know why men are so selfishly stubborn. Oh, to have just a smidge of their confidence. Sorry you have to deal with that verbal abuse.
downtherabbithole
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@doots Google John Gottman. He is a psychologist who writes and has a lab on couples research. He did a famous study on predictors of divorce and contempt was something that was a huge predictor. Your spouse shows contempt/hate towards you and not only is that unhealthy but emotionally abusive. He also wanted you to mind read when he says that "you should have known" how he was feeling. It looks like to me that he was upset he was sick and not taking part in your superbowl activities and that he displaced and projected that disappointment onto you when you made a request. Him doubling down seems like he doesn't even want to acknowledge how hurtful it is (let alone inappropriate in front of a child). What I would have you think about is what message that sends his kid (that people who are suppose to love you can name call you whenever they feel upset). How would he react if he knew his son/daughter later has a partner that calls them a bitch when upset?
icantthinkofausername
New member
@doots So, one of the signs of low blood sugar is aggression. My husband did this to me when he had (misdiagnosed, uncontrolled) diabetes; basically, he was told he was pre-diabetic and should after his diet, but what he actually had was adult-onset type 1 diabetes, which cannot be controlled by diet alone, and he was altering between dangerously high blood sugar and dangerously low blood sugar.
Anyway. We had a big, blow out fight. I called my mentor, who asked if we were sure it was type 2 because it sounded like low blood sugar. I calmed down and walked back into the room with a Coke, and walked out until he texted me.
“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened, it was like I wasn’t in control of myself. I’ll call my therapist tomorrow to work this out, please forgive me.”
We saw his therapist and his endocrinologist that week, got him properly diagnosed, and since his diabetes has been under control, it’s never happened again.
All of that is to say, I understand sickness causing someone to act out of character, but he doubled down and blamed you for his abusive behavior.
Anyway. We had a big, blow out fight. I called my mentor, who asked if we were sure it was type 2 because it sounded like low blood sugar. I calmed down and walked back into the room with a Coke, and walked out until he texted me.
“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened, it was like I wasn’t in control of myself. I’ll call my therapist tomorrow to work this out, please forgive me.”
We saw his therapist and his endocrinologist that week, got him properly diagnosed, and since his diabetes has been under control, it’s never happened again.
All of that is to say, I understand sickness causing someone to act out of character, but he doubled down and blamed you for his abusive behavior.
@icantthinkofausername Wow, it’s so interesting you brought up diabetes because he is type 2 diabetic, and ya it’s been under control for years now, it’s definitely a personality problem at this point lol
@doots He's a POS. My husband is going into week 3 of what started as flu and evolved into strep and an ear infection. He wound up in the ER on fluids. He hasn't stopped being a parent, yes there are times i've had to do the lions share because he's been incapacitated but he hasn't stopped trying to do everything he can. Nobody should be calling anyone names like that in the first place, but doing it because he doesn't want to parent for 20 minutes is beyond shitty.
@doots Now imagine if you were a little sick, and by some absolute miracle he managed to parent all by himself for a day. Then asked you to watch your child for a few minutes without getting out of bed because his boys were coming over and he wanted to get something ready, and instead of being grateful for his incredible and unexpected kindness all weekend, you called him a fucking sonofabitch and told him to fuck off, then later he sent you a text saying "why did you do that" and you said he was a fucking sonofabitch and you wouldn't apologize and never would. Would you or would you not be seen as a "crazy/psychotic/hysterical/evil woman" who he needs to leave immediately and who is probably a threat to the child?
@doots Absolutely fucking not. Divorce is on the table immediately. Do not settle for someone who will treat you this way. I grew up watching my father talk to my mom this way and it set horrific motions in place for my future relationships. Please, leave him. Do whatever you have to do, just go. You do not deserve this, and you know that you don't. That is not how someone speaks to someone they love, at all. I am so sorry. But I was you a few years ago. It can and does get so much better.
