My husband called me a f*cking b*tch in front of our 2 year old and won’t apologize

D

doots

New member
So yeah. Basically as the title states, I don’t know how to move in from this. He’s been sick all weekend, gets VERY defensive when I ask what he feels he will be capable of doing with our kid. I did all of the parenting, cleaning etc while he slept all weekend, I asked him to watch our kid on the bed, didn’t have to get up, for 20 minutes while I got some stuff organized for a friend who was coming over to watch the Super Bowl, then those hideous words came out. We haven’t talked today but via text I told him that while I am compassionate about him being ill (I’m not after this crap) he needs to apologize for saying that to me in front of our 2 year old for anything to move forward. He said “I’m not ready to do that and it’s a bitch move to needle me when I’m sick”

I’m honestly stunned. I have screenshots if it’s possible to share in the comments. Just. I don’t know what to do.

Some context I was laid off a couple months ago and haven’t found new work, so we’re on edge as it is.
 
@doots I recently read something that said that you have to judge a relationship on the low points more than the high points and I think that's true. You have to evaluate people at the lowest points because that's their true character. It's easy to be awesome when everything is good, hard when the s*t hits the fan.

Nobody is at their best when sick and dealing with the stress of a layoff and reduced income. But your SO didn't just say something in anger, he doubled down and basically called you a bitch again in text. That is more than a stress slip, it's a huge lack of basic respect and it would make me reconsider a relationship. A normal person would have cooled off and apologized sincerely. He feels justified in what he said and therefore no apology. If you let this go, it will eventually become your new normal because he will have gotten away with it and will think it's ok the next time. It's up to you to decide if thats what you want to live with. I promise, it will only get worse. I've been there.

I hope your SO gets his head out of his ass before he loses YOUR respect. Stress isn't an excuse for verbal abuse.
 
@katrina2017 Yeah… we have a huge gap on what being sick looks like. It’s 3-4 days in bed for him and apparently abusive verbal communication. We did have an in person conversation about this and it got nowhere. Mostly along the lines of “if I’m in bed all day don’t you understand that I’m sick and can’t do anything”. When I’m sick it’s obviously different lol, take the meds and get it all done. He’s so hateful to me when “sick”.
 
@doots Girl…. This man is not it. There wouldn’t be any excuse (sick or not) of saying it the first time. Sick people can look after children and frequently do, for much longer than 20 minutes. But on top of that he doubles down SO much in the texts.

And wait- out of work for months???? He needs to get off his ass and do something. Flip burgers if that’s all there is but to pull this after he’s not doing anything for the household in any way shape or form?? Insult to injury.
 
@jamesdtyler Oh no it’s ME who’s been out of work for months lol, it seems to me like that’s the subtext of this whole thing. I do 100% of the parenting now to pick up my reduced income
 
@doots Ohhhh lmao I was like wait this woman is doing all the child care on top of bringing all the money in and he’s doing Jack??? 😅

Definitely doesn’t excuse any of this though.
 
@doots Hey, I just want you to know that my husband has been laid off for several months and I am working full time and I wouldn't DREAM of treating him like your husband has treated you. I would never call him names and dismiss him or expect him to do every single second of childcare. Because I love him and value him and he is more than a paycheck to me. That is absolutely no excuse.
 
@doots this is a perfect example of "woman patiently, gently uses her words to communicate. man gets to say and do whatever he wants."

the fundamental problem here is that you (and all the other women in conversations like these) are not talking to an adult man. these men are not listening. they're using 5% of their brain to swat you away like a mosquito so they can keep doing whatever they feel like without the nagging reminder that other people exist. ultimately, you and your daughter are mosquitos whenever your existence doesn't coincide with what he wants at that moment.

i was stuck in a relationship like this for 20 years. getting out and then seeing how many other women are quietly, secretly treated like mosquitos in their own homes despite doing everything "right" has radicalized me. I hope you find your power and can get to a place where someone calling you a fucking bitch would be unthinkable
 
@doots This is painful to read. It’s literally reads like a mother trying to talk sense to her angsty teenage son as he throws a tantrum. I’m sorry you’re going through this
 
@doots STOP DOING ANYTHING FOR HIM. No, absolutely not. I absolutely can't believe that he is continuing to verbally abuse you in this text exchange when you are asking him to apologize for verbally abusing you. I...don't see how you come back from this, personally, unless it turns out he literally has a brain tumor or meningitis or something.
 
@celiat Hmmm, I'm wondering that too. I heard some people get more aggressive after getting covid (which can cause neurological damage and complete personality change too). However, in this case it seems she describes him always being this way when sick.
 
@doots That’s a man child right there. Nothing exists or is important outside of his own feelings. You do not deserve this ongoing treatment and your daughter does not need to be around this selfish and verbally abusive behavior either.

It’s already a big thing to call your partner a bitch with no remorse (I get things happen in the heat of the moment but you should be apologetic afterward). To say it to your wife in front of your daughter and think it’s okay? Incredibly immature and demonstrates a lack of respect toward women in general.
 
@doots I'm furious for you. Time for hubby to get the absolute silent treatment until he apologizes and does better or gets the fuck out. You are better than this "man" and deserve more.
 
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