My daughter failed 9th grade and I do not know what to do about it

[farmerdex]

@pastorben I don't ask for very much, so when she thwarts me these days I get pissy and put my foot down. Usually only backfires when we're both tired and grumpy. She left a month ago started staying at my mother's. She came back after two weeks, we got into again and she left again.

The consequences of school is listening to me complain. I used to have a parental control thing on her phone and I would lock her phone, but we spent a couple years playing the "depression" card while be locked out. Finally got tired of her wanting to die all the time so took it off completely. Now she's confident and free but it's fuck me.

Structure would be nice but it's just me and her and when she's home we only see each other a couple hours a day. During those hours I'm trying to make sure she's eaten, washed, brushed teeth, retainer, vitamins all that.

 

[pastorben]

@farmerdex Kids are frustrating. I’d probably opt for summer school if she is willing to put in some effort.

One of my kids struggles with school and is a “just getting by” kid, needs me to remind to submit assignments, etc. I do so, because I hope one day they find something that interests them & the amount of academic upgrading they need is kept to a minimum.

My other kids do not need the prompts and it is certainly easier. Best of luck.

 

[letterforms]

@farmerdex You've gotten some great suggestions and advice here, I'd just like to add to consider that it could be biological. My daughter was barely scraping by, not doing her work and such, and we put her on Ferramax. Cleared up 80% of the problem in about a week, as well as other attitude issues. My older daughter had similar issues back in gr4 and it turned out she's got an auditory processing disorder. It sucks that every issue seems to somehow boil down to 'laziness', it makes it challenging to remember to treat everything like a problem that needs solving and approach with curiosity, when it's tempting to assume it's a character problem.

 

[farmerdex]

@letterforms When she found out she was failing 9th grade, she tried to pull off 6 months worth of work in less than a month...and she was handing in 'A' work but the teachers weren't about to give her full credit for 6 month old assignments, so a lot of it didn't even count. This is what pisses me off, she can do it, she just doesn't think it's important or worth her time.

 

[letterforms]

@farmerdex That's unfortunate, they should've given her most if not all credit.

 

[farmerdex]

@letterforms She made enemies out of a couple of them... I could tell there was some spite coming from some of the teachers...but I also know my kid so I don't exactly blame them.

 

[ralf624]

@farmerdex She will own her success or her failure. It might be the best $400 you ever spent.

 

[martlet]

@farmerdex Sometimes you just have to let them fail. Also, school isn’t for everyone.

My daughter dropped out after flunking her junior year and now, 6 years later is a college-educated and school teacher who just completed her first year of teaching.

My oldest son did his full 4 years, graduated on time with flying colors, did one semester of college to be a respiratory therapist, dropped out and now makes a six-figure income in a Sales career.

My youngest son’s only “normal” high school year was his freshman year. His sophomore year was cut short by Covid, his junior year was asynchronous. So by the time his senior year rolled around he was completely unmotivated. So we enrolled him in an accelerated high school program and he did his entire senior year in 6 weeks. He turned 18 a couple of months later and enrolled in EMT classes. And by the time he walked the stage a few weeks ago, he was a certified EMT.

Bottom line is: Allow your daughter to choose her own path and consider all options before perceiving her to be unmotivated.
Also, get her tested to see if she has any learning disabilities or dealing with something else.

It never hurts to talk to a counselor.

 

[dennydenco]

@farmerdex Talk to her counselor and work out a education plan that will guarantee her graduation. I’ve been in your position a few times. Luckily mine took summer classes, early classes and online classes to graduate on time. I know your struggle. If you want her to graduate on time stay with it and keep on top of it, be proactive in nudging her to get things done. It’s hard to push without pushing too much with teenagers. It’s not going to be easy for either one of you but you can do it mamma. Best of luck

 

[michaelo]

@farmerdex If not done previously, my child would be getting a full private neuro͎-psych evaluation. It will be about $2000-2600 dollars. It is expensive, but it is an investment. Understanding how to maximize a child’s academic success is priceless, in my opinion.

My child would be in summer tutoring & summer school, absolutely. I would pay for summer school as many times as I need to.

I also would work with my child on her overall life goals, getting her job, increasing her responsibility since school does not seem to be her jam. I would want to see what her aspirations are, if not school.

 

[farmerdex]

@michaelo I'm not sure I need a neurologist to tell me my kid is a stubborn asshole because she's an insecure teen who's confused about her blossoming identity and the swirling cocktail of hormones surging through her bloodstream.

I get she's pissed off about her mom leaving, and the train of women I've brought into her life only to abruptly remove them time after time. I get her highschool is just a 21st century breakfast club. I get she's growing up in a world filled with outrage over issues that should have been resolved decades if not centuries ago.

I get all of these things which is why I don't blame her for her actions and attitude. I don't call her a disappointment like her mother and grandmother do. I just want help her through this and choose a path that will allow her succeed and feel empowered.

Allowing summer school would let her feel empowered in short term, but I believe she will ultimately fail.
Pro: she would have no one to blame but herself.
Con: it will be another miserable year.

Holding her back would be disappointing and disempowering to her, but ultimately it would give her the time and space to succeed in each class.

 

[michaelo]

@farmerdex You obviously are the expert on your child. I certainly will not pretend that I know what is best for her.

I can only speak about my experience as a parent to teens & navigation of the educational system. A neuro͎-psych exam is not done by a neurologist, but a psychologist who is certified. It tests for learning disabilities and mental health concerns that interfere with learning. I also gives you an IQ score, which is another indicator of her potential ability to succeed in a traditional school setting.

With grade inflation and current educational standards, to fail public school, is actually difficult, and a huge red flag. Millions of teens are going through similar experiences teen angst, hormones, broken homes, parents with trauma, and majority do not fail & get held back in high school. Those that do are extremely high risk for other at risk behaviors. So we have a fundamental disagreement, as I sense that you see this typical teen behavior, and I see as a serious problem in normal development, that I would tackle with the same ferocity that I would if my 2 year old was not walking yet — full evaluation to identify all her challenges & intense therapy.

But obviously you care very deeply for her well-being, and I do wish you & her the best.

 

[foto2014]

@farmerdex I think your daughter needs some help. It sounds like she has some struggles.
You can ask her doctor for resources. The school should have some, too. The school probably has a psychiatrist and ask for an evaluation.
If you're in America,your daughter may quality for and IEP and/or 504 plan. IEPs are individualized education plans for kids who are a lot of things: gifted, intellectually disabled, Autistic,ADHD, have a learning disability, etc. 504 plans are more for other issues, like depression, anxiety, etc.
Both can help your daughter out in similar and different ways as long as she qualifies. There's so many ways a child can be accommodated. My sibling is given frequent breaks in another classroom and play on their phone for a break. They have goals via their IEP. They can take tests with extra time or take tests in a smaller group setting.
We discussed reduced assignment loads, but the school wanted to try some other ideas first to see how my sibling adjusted with help before going that route. We can change things at any time, though, as 504s and IEPs are "living documents".

Good luck. Let me know if anything isn't clear.

 

[farmerdex]

@foto2014 Thanks for the response, she has a therapist and a 504. Took most of the year to get it....too little too late.

 

[jwnwebiste]

@farmerdex When I was a teen the first year of high school I failed math and would have failed another class but the teacher bumped me up 1% because I was more polite than most of her students.

As a kid who hated school with every fibre of my being having to do school in summer was horrible. I passed that class with an 85% because I was never going to do that again. I didn’t get great grades in all my classes but I was always safe from failing.

I say let her try.

 

[farmerdex]

@jwnwebiste I did end up signing her up. Today was the first day. She said it wasn't that bad. We'll see how she handles sophomore year

 

[beready]

@farmerdex Same situation. I was lucky my son’s school offered online free summer “credit recovery” programs. I would assume all cities provide some type of credit recovery. I didn’t go through the city because they were rude. “So we’re not good enough to send your kid here but you’ll use our resources”. That attitude. Luckily my sons school learned of this situation and offered the courses. I work all day and he pretended to the work until I sat down with him and had him show me the coursework online. From then on he had a set schedule daily to complete before I got home. He just finished Algebra and needs English to be a sophomore in the fall.

I don’t understand why he doesn’t take it more seriously?!? My son is just as you describe your daughter. I constantly worry, research, etc., to “fix” it, only to end up in tears.

 

[farmerdex]

@beready She's three days in and I've been contacted about missing work

 

[beready]

@farmerdex I’m sorry to hear that. It’s so frustrating. Clearly she’s going to learn the hard way. Sometimes it’s the only way. I think we are more focused on their graduation date than they are. It’s not our battle after a certain point. You can lead a horse to water…..

My son and I are in therapy but at this point his therapist talks to me about how to help him and gives me tools to keep him on the right path. She learned quickly he would just lie and everything was great

I imagine a daughter is a whole different ballgame. My son is twice my size at 15 and loves to use that against me when he is in trouble. Like, what are you gonna do? Unfortunately, my therapist says it’s important to show him I’m in control and strong enough to deal with him on my own. I tried reaching out to his narcissistic, borderline personality father and that resulted in me threatening a restraining order. So, no help there.

 

[farmerdex]

@beready Oi.....that sounds rough but not far from where I am. At least her mom is supportive when I call out for help, even if it's just to complain. My daughter is compliant when absolute lines are drawn because the fact is all she can do is leave, and all I can do is call the cops so our cold wars simmers on those lines. For the most part we are loving and good, but those are the extremes of our spectrum.