My daughter failed 9th grade and I do not know what to do about it

[bogdan]

@farmerdex I came here specifically to tell you not to panic lol because I did 1st option. My son failed a few courses during his freshman year during Covid and the all year virtual learning. He was pretending to do his work and had a pretty elaborate deception going. Was beside myself worrying about his future. Surely he was going to be living in a van down by the river I agonized over it but I had to remove the video game system permanently and make him buy his own. The young man who bought his system was basically my son 5 years from now and he told me his mother had done the same and I was doing the right thing. Well… I just didn’t know how well it worked lesson wise, life wise until this summer. He made honor roll for the first time in his life - ALL year. And did it so I’d let him get a job this summer so he could get his system. Not being able to attend school in person gave him a new appreciation for it as well I think. So don’t stress too much - just make it clear what’s expected, discuss how this lays the foundation for their life and sometimes we have to make decisions we know are the right ones for them at the time. Last summer was not a pleasant one. This summer, it’s literally a new kid. If she wants a job next year her grades need to support a work permit - parents and schools sign off on those. I read through some of your responses and I’d see about getting her a therapist or a mental health evaluation with all of the teacher/student conflict. My son didn’t have all of that. Get her involved in something she really wants to do - tie her responsibilities to it somehow. You have to find what they really really care about - all through out their childhood because it changes.

 

[farmerdex]

@bogdan I appreciate this comment because I've definitely been hunched over the couch, hiking up my pants, and screaming at the top of my lungs

She's been in therapy all year and plans to join marching band in the fall. She really wants to get a job so that would make a great carrot.

Thanks!

 

[bogdan]

@farmerdex Marching band is amazing for kids and it’s cool now not like when I went to school. Yep, dangling carrots, story of parenting my son good luck, she’s going to be ok

 

[sparrowfeet]

@farmerdex ‘Lone’ parent, people—- meaning solo
Had me googling what a ‘loan parent’ is.

 

[farmerdex]

@sparrowfeet Haha - this is why I have no business helping my kid with her homework!

 

[sparrowfeet]

@farmerdex I thought it was like a surrogate?

 

[farmerdex]

@sparrowfeet That's a fantastic idea! I'd pay for a stunt double RN

 

[bletherer]

@farmerdex I had to Home School mine since she failed the entire first semester. Now she is passing on her own. It helped her as she now had more “control” of when she can start class and end it.

 

[farmerdex]

@bletherer Sounds like a nice option. I am a loan parent with a full time job and I'm also in college myself. I wish I had the time and space.

 

[christtoulese]

@farmerdex Can you two do a ‘study hall’ type of thing together at home?

 

[farmerdex]

@christtoulese We could but the work is not the issue, she lies about what is assigned and tells me the work is done. I don't find out until weeks and months down the line that she's been lying. I would literally need to be in daily communication with her teachers to stay on top of her the way she needs, and even then she'd bullshit us. She puts more effort into her lies than what would be required of her to just do the work in the first place.

 

[bletherer]

@farmerdex This sounds oddly familiar……OP. Homeschooling helped me in this regard too

 

[christtoulese]

@bletherer OP works full time and also goes to school.

 

[farmerdex]

@christtoulese And parents alone

 

[christtoulese]

@farmerdex If the study time was mandatory, would she double down and just sit there doing nothing?

 

[farmerdex]

@christtoulese Basically the time , effort, and energy that it would take to police a person who is intent on being deceiving and avoidant is just not feasible.

The issue there would be 1. Knowing what she needs to be studying because there will always be a song and dance about how everything is done and taken care of. 2. Sitting there with her to make sure she's doing something.

 

[christtoulese]

@farmerdex

Basically the time , effort, and energy that it would take to police a person who is intent on being deceiving and avoidant is just not feasible

But isn’t this what parenting is all about? Don’t get me wrong, it sucks. But what’s the option…just let her keep lying and slacking and failing?

 

[farmerdex]

@christtoulese It's a tricky situation with mine because she is emotionally intelligent, stubborn, angry, and just does not give a fuuuuukkkk... she's also one of the most gifted narcissists I know.

It eventually gets to a point where I simply have to accept this is who she is and these are the choices she's intent on making. She's right when she says I have no leverage over her. She is a sovereign soul and even though I am legally responsible for her for the next four years, all I can do is say my piece, and be there for her when she needs me.

 

[christtoulese]

@farmerdex Sounds like she (and you) could benefit from some counseling?

It sounds like you’ve just given up on her here. She may be exhibiting narc traits, but some kids do…but they don’t diagnose under 18s as being narcs. And I think you casually using this terminology is concerning.

I realize how much at the end of your rope you seem, and I hope you can find some support to make this easier.

 

[farmerdex]

@christtoulese I can see how it may appear that way by reading through this thread but we are just discussing one facet of a much larger and complex relationship. She is incredibly intelligent, and crafty, and she's had to grow up faster than she should have.

But her go-to pattern that made me say "narcissistic" is the saboteur/victim pattern that many see in relationships. It's a formula and it's so transparent I see it from a mile in away - in lots of people

Person neglects responsibility (sabotages themselves or a relationship in some way) perhaps by neglecting a duty or violating a boundary.

Person spins up elaborate stories that may include white lies (or big lies) or verbage that alters the perspective of the reality in an attempt to shift blame or absolve themselves of wrong doing.

When confronted the person becomes defensive, emotional, and begins to spin the web of their carefully crafted story.

Person then vacates the immediate area and begins to form alliances with others in their circle altering perceptions, planting seeds, and weaving stories to makes themselves the victim

When confronted with enough evidence and enough people this person will break down and begin finding other external reasons for their behavior such as: other people outside the circle, mental illness, financial, or anything other than accepting accountability for their actions. They will beg for forgiveness and list many other external reasons why it will be different, but it never is.

Every person in this thread knows someone who operates like this and the only way to deal with them is to keep being honest and hold them accountable. It's an ugly process but you gotta be real.

And the more beautiful and articulate they are...the harder it is... especially when you love them with all your heart.