My daughter asked me why she doesn’t have a real dad. How do I explain , she’s going to have a sibling from someone she doesn’t even know ?

[alex26]

I (25F) starting dating my ex (28M) at 17 y/o. He was my first love , my first in many things. We had many trust issues due to lies and miscommunications from the past. When I got pregnant at the age of 20 we decided to have our daughter (now 4) but were on and off. We seperated 7 months ago due to him cheating on me with his current girlfriend (25F). I was pregnant when I found out and have a miscarriage. It took a toll on me mentally and emotionally.

Last night , he told she’s 4 months pregnant. He doesn’t want the baby but she wants to keep it. Now she’s planning a future and he’s agreeing to everything to be able to keep her around for the baby but claims he doesn’t love her but she’s nice so he has try for the sake of the baby. In addition , he has begged her to abort since she took a Plan B and it didn’t work but she refuses and wants to have a family with him. He just doesn’t want to but will cave in to be a father.

The issue is that she months ago when I found out about the cheating she texted me pictures of them, intimate videos , texts and bunch of other things. Now we have to all coparent. Even though , I try to be respectful I still have some animosity towards them.

My daughter asked me why she doesn’t have a real dad. How do I explain , she’s going to have a sibling from someone she doesn’t even know ? How do I talk to his gf about my daughter if they end up moving in together ? I am trying to respectful but how can I respect people who deeply hurt me.

 

[tolarmelissa]

@alex26 You can literally just tell the judge, “my child’s father had an affair that caused extreme emotional damage to me, which obviously affected our daughter. I am looking to move forward as amicable as possible and do not feel his affair partner should be involved with our child as she may prevent more emotional harm.”

The judge could say no. But mine said yes and even put the explanation in the ruling.

 

[maxi63]

@tolarmelissa What state do you live in?

Because my state does not care at all about that.

 

[tolarmelissa]

@maxi63 I am in CA.

 

[maxi63]

@tolarmelissa Damn, Nevada is terrible with laws like that.

Some states you can even sue the mistress for emotional damage. Not my state

We're a no-fault state. People can treat their coparent like absolute trash, and courts do not care as long as it's not the child, and even then, it has to be severe abuse.

 

[tolarmelissa]

Cause**

 

[spookydawg77]

@alex26 Who said your daughter doesn't have a real dad? She does have a real dad. He's not dead. He's not completely out of the picture. He's there. When she says something that isn't true, you correct her. You say "you do have a real dad". You tell her "families come in all shapes and sizes. This is our family's shape." There are a number of good picture books out there that you can use to explain separated families to kids, get one and read it to her.

As for the sibling, that's not for you to explain. That's for her father to explain.

 

[seekinggodjesus]

@alex26 What do you mean she doesn’t have a real dad??

 

[joegold995]

@seekinggodjesus Not OP but my daughter feels the same way, I have full custody of our child and her father gets visitation. Kids notice things, it’s just not normalized and can be confusing to navigate.

 

[writeletters037]

@alex26 You answer by telling her she does have a real dad and no matter where he is, he's still her dad.

 

[seekinggodjesus]

@alex26 You literally don’t have to coparent with her. At all. Set boundaries OP

 

[maxi63]

@seekinggodjesus Agreed, I refuse to talk to the mistress turned wife. I talk to my coparent that is it.

 

[razor26]

@alex26 Well, if he continues to visit with his daughter then you will have no choice but to be civil. Taking the higher ground, being emotionally intelligent and understanding that the hurt you feel now will one day be replaced with gratitude that your relationship became purely platonic.

 

[tolarmelissa]

@alex26 I struggle to understand why people don’t set harder boundaries with those who have basically spit in their face.

Go to court, get set exchanges and request that you two be the only ones at the exchanges due to father’s spouse sending you inappropriate messages.

I was in an extremely similar situation and have it in the order that his AP and his child from AP are not allowed anywhere around me or my kids, my house, or our local grocery without my written consent.

 

[boringfish]

@alex26 *You say “what do you mean by real dad?” and LISTEN. Then answer. She might be defining it by where he lives (not with her) or what he does or does not do. Or some other child-like criteria.
*Bigger picture, start working through your own feelings to become neutral towards them. You’ll always coparent with him, you may or may not interact with her for years to come. Your hurt is understandable, but don’t make it your daughter’s problem.

 

[timerow]

@alex26 Apply for child support before her baby is born. Because if he leaves her and she applies first, then you’ll get less

 

[maxi63]

@timerow Agree with this!

 

[joegold995]

@alex26 Honestly I wouldn’t even mention it right now, I’d let him explain it to her and offer support or answer questions she might have. I’m currently pregnant and she’s recently asked me if the baby and her will have the same dad, I still don’t really know how to navigate it tbh.

 

[evilcatfish]

@alex26 This is something you should’ve thought about when you had a baby

 

[estephan]

@evilcatfish Something he should’ve also thought about when having unprotected sex with multiple women