Long term deployment w/o family: would you do it?

[jwesley]

Hello fellow madres,

I currently have a desk job with a few work related travels here and there, but am mostly sedentary and work from home most of the time.

Now, I might get a job offer that involves being sent to various locations anywhere from a month to several months (6-12 months), but will not be allowed to bring my family (husband and 2 y.o.).

My husband and I talked about it, and he’s okay to hold down the fort for up to 3 months but isn’t sure about longer deployments. He works full time in high stress job but doesn’t travel much, and is an involved dad to our toddler who goes to daycare full time.

Will my kiddo remember me when I come back? Will they be developing anxiety? Will they grow resentful or have insecure attachment issues in the future? My doctor recently told me how well my kiddo is doing and she shows signs of secure attachment and I was absolutely over the moon to hear this, and I don’t want to fuck it up.

But the nature of my work - should I choose to go down this path - does involve a lot of unpredictable traveling, frequent relocations, and so divorce rates are ridiculously high. I don’t want that obviously, but I do want to do my job.

Any unsolicited advice welcome, mamas. I love my kiddo and want the best for them, AND I’m also very work driven. Would love to hear your opinions. Thank you for reading this far.

ETA: Thank you so much for your advice and opinions, and those who have shared their painful stories of growing up with their parents away on the road, thank you for sharing your side of the story.
I’m indeed career driven but also fear driven, and I want to make sure my family will have the means to survive another shitstorm that the world economy hurls at us (which is too frequent, especially to us millenials). At the end of the day, I want us to have good food and maybe share the blessing with others when we can, by helping. Thank you again for your time and care.

 

[spiritrehab]

@jwesley Uhm, you forgot to mention the upsides? To be honest this deal sounds horrific unless it is life-changing remuneration.

 

[jwesley]

@spiritrehab And thank you for taking the time to provide your thoughts on this fellow mom.

 

[jwesley]

@spiritrehab Oh that’s true, I forgot the upsides. I get to help out people in seriously desperate situations. I think one thing I want to share with my kiddo as a life lesson learned so far is that we as people are all connected through empathy, and when we can do so, to be helpers in times of crises like Mr. Rogers said.
As for the pay, I honestly don’t know, but at least it’d be double what I make now. Sorry for the scant info.

 

[fideetvirtute]

@jwesley Would the pay increase allow for your husband to work less hours, or leave his high stress job?

 

[adam113]

@jwesley Gently, your kid is two. The only lesson they’ll learn is “my mom is gone and I don’t know why. where is my mom?” Then they’ll build a new life without you in it and probably not remember you when you come back.

My MIL left the country for a year when my kid was two, and then when she finally retuned she was all sad and offended when kiddo treated her like a stranger. They’ve since built back a lovely relationship but they genuinely started over at square one.

If you leave a two year old for a year then the relationship that you have with them now will be gone when you get back. You can build another one but you will sacrifice this one during a developmentally critical time.

At the risk of being a creeper I snooped your profile. It sounds like you work for an international NGO that focuses on human services. That’s a super noble cause to support, and also a super easy one to get sucked into and lose the rest of your life to it. You can completely sacrifice your family life, health, and wellbeing to this work, and when you’re done the world will still be full of people you weren’t able to help.

I work in a related field and I’m a workaholic. I’ve had to make some big changes after having a kid. One change was finding a job with actual work life balance and I’m still making a difference in the world and helping people.

I’m now so mad at myself that I spent so much of my life burning myself out for my former cult-like workplace. Please be smarter than I was and learn from my example. Life is so much better on the other side of this hamster wheel.

 

[rickfelton1]

@jwesley I understand the need to help but you’d be putting strangers ahead of your own family. You can help out in your local community instead.

 

[moustafa]

@jwesley So do this when the kid is a teenager and they won’t need you there in person as much and they can be inspired by you.

 

[juliebug72]

@jwesley Personally, there is no job on earth that would make this worth it for me. Especially at that age.

 

[jwesley]

@juliebug72 Yeah the age is a big thing, because it’d be different going in a long work travel when they’re a teenager vs a toddler. Thank you for your insights

 

[moustafa]

@jwesley It’s not just work travel. You would essentially be moving somewhere without your family

 

[cookiedough7177]

@jwesley Would not do this, personally.

 

[jwesley]

@cookiedough7177 I see, thank you for your reply.

 

[katrina2017]

@jwesley My dad was deployed for 6 months when I was 2. I didn't know who he was when he came back.

I lived the childhood of frequent relocations, deployments, travel etc. And my personal experience was very negative. I had trouble making friends because anytime I did either I had to leave or they did. I did resent my father because I didn't understand why he bothered having kids if he was going to be gone all the time and constantly uproot us. At some point I just preferred him being gone.

 

[rickfelton1]

@katrina2017 Thank you for saying this. I’m sorry that happened to you.

 

[lysak]

@katrina2017 In this case it sounds like kiddo and husband won’t be moving at all, so making friends and having stability in where kiddo lives won’t be an issue. Just mom being gone for chunks of time.

 

[katrina2017]

@lysak I mean, my dad did leave for chunks of time without us relocating. He went on maybe 5 or 6 deployments plus tons of travel. I lived in 9 different houses and went to 5 different elementary schools. So by the time I was done with elementary school my mom was fed up with moving especially since my dad was going to be gone anyway for 6mo -2yrs. My 4 younger siblings don't remember moving (the youngest 2 never moved) but they still had a negative experience.

We couldn't watch finding Nemo because my sister was scared of it. She loved my dad but he kept leaving so when Nemo was seperated from his father she was hysterical. She was about 2 at the time.

My youngest two siblings that never moved see me as their 2nd parent not my father because he was gone all the time.

 

[dtoitw]

@jwesley The first 3 years of a child are the most important development wise, so I would personally not do it at this stage. You can always try for this type of job in the future, but you will never get back your child's early years.

 

[jwesley]

@dtoitw That is true and it’s what makes me hesitant, to not be able to see my kid for such a long time. Thank you for your perspective.

 

[drofbc]

@jwesley I live in a community with a lot of military. I see the impacts. I absolutely would not do this. It will fundamentally change your family dynamics and there's a reason why most families will break under this.