Just found out husband of nearly 7 years has had an affair - we have a 3.5y/o and a 17m/o

[sicarii]

@renegadelegion Been there. My best advice is that you don't have to make a decision right away.

The big question is will you ever be able to trust him again? And you don't have to know that right now. Start therapy, individually and couples. Take your time and put yourself first. You deserve happiness and love, and that's what you need to show your kids. Do not stay together for the kids if you're going to be unhappy/have an unstable relationship. That's not what's best for them. I took about 8 months after infidelity before realizing that I couldn't get over the affair and the relationship was no longer healthy for me, so I left. Some people make it work though. So take your time, don't stress about rash decisions, and know that what's best for you is also best for your kids.

 

[renegadelegion]

@sicarii Hard agree. Thank you.

 

[celise]

@renegadelegion Anyone here watch Workin’ Moms? While I realize that it’s fiction, one of the moms finds out her husband had an affair with the nanny and simultaneously finds out she’s pregnant with baby #2.

She leaves his ass. Gets an apt, figures it out. Denies him access to the kids for a few months. Has a full fledged romance with someone half her age. Then, bangs a super hot guy her own age. During this entire time, the husband begs for forgiveness and tries to woo her back.

She does go back, but only after all of the above. I say give this a try. If you don’t want him back and he’s not entirely contrite and does everything in his power to win you back, fuck him. Not literally.

 

[youngmotherfightforlife]

@renegadelegion > who have kept the family together

You should ask him how he will keep the family together since HE was the one to destroy it. I personally could never forgive and given how most men wouldn't either it seems hypocritical we as a society make women feel like THEY have to keep the family together. No OP this is on him. Let him figure out the counseling, the mental health, the emotional aspects and how he ruined his family by being reckless. He didn't confess which makes me think he never was going to. You had to out his lies.

 

[gaqua77]

@youngmotherfightforlife I think this is really important. While no marriage is perfect and both partners can make mistakes, this is different. He violated the basic foundation of your marriage, and HE needs to propose how to recover from this. Everything from regaining trust to communicating why he made this choice. And even then, you do not have to stay. You are entitled to still leave even he makes an effort. If there are other marital issues to work through, great, you can do that too. But the first step is seeing what he does to remedy this. If he doesn't put the amount of effort and humility you need, then you have that information to make your choice.

Hugs and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[todaystheday]

@renegadelegion When I was 1month pp i found sexting messages on my husbands phone

I thought we were fine and happy during my pregnancy so this was a huge punch in the gut given the fact that I was very overweight from my pregnancy and had a 1mo

I didn’t divorce him nor leave him nor took revenge

I just continued living bc I didn’t have any other choice

I’m doing my best to have a choice

 

[jannday]

@renegadelegion Well, I think a lot of it depends on how it came to the surface. Did he confess or did you find out another way? I have some friends who apparently the husband was having an affair. He felt so horrible he came clean to his wife and ended the affair. Under those terms, I can see trying to forgive and work through the relationship. If it’s something you discovered on your own then I’d definitely be more cautious. Is he really resentful or is he just sad he got caught?

 

[z_alan_bridges]

@renegadelegion I found out my first husband had cheated on me while I was pregnant. We went to counseling and ultimately it didn't work out for us. Basically my ex refused to work on himself.. so we split when my kids were 1 and 3. It was the best decision ever honestly and I'm glad we split when the kids were young

 

[katied]

@renegadelegion My ex cheated on me. I think if my now husband tried that mess and I caught him. I’d flip the script and ask for an open marriage and act like I didn’t know about the affair. Then I’d slut it up. Or at least make it look like I was. I’m petty and two can play this game.

Only you know what you can deal with. I’m sorry this has happened to you. You don’t have to rush into any decision.

 

[mi5ty8]

@renegadelegion I found out my husband started an affair when our son was 6weeks old. It absolutely shattered me. It broke a piece of my soul because he was the only man I'd ever known and yet when push came to shove he chose to run and hide rather than talk to me.

I started the divorce proceedings immediately. He was horrible to me in court. Threats to take my baby, his mom kidnapping our child, absolutely bonkers and horrible stuff. Now he's giving up time left and right to go see women in different states. I honestly wish he would just man up and admit he doesn't want to be attached to me or his son anymore.

You know what though? Despite all of the trauma and still continued grief I would absolutely do it all over again.

My son now has a shot at least one healthy and happy parent verses a resentful/sad one and an absent one. Custody at least made him show up more than he did when our son was a newborn.

My heart is with you momma, I divorced for my baby. If it was just me, I probably would bared it ( an open marriage or whatever). His dad is the product of what happens when parents who should have divorced stay and there was no way I was going to continue that cycle.

It is the hardest thing I ever did, and I'm still healing and crying and healing each day. But man, it is my life peaceful today without having to beg someone who made vows to me to love me and us first.

 

[tinacomb]

@renegadelegion I’ve heard more stories about couples that have found there way back to each other after meaningful sometimes even pretty long term separation. The key is maintaining that self respect and dignity. If it is too much for your spirit then walk away if he’s meant to be with you he’ll find his way back.
I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. You didn’t deserve this. But additional side note DO NOT stay in an unhealthy marriage for the sake of your children alone. All it does is subtly teach them to tolerate inappropriate behavior. Cheating is not okay. Act the way you would want your children to act if they were in the same scenario as adults. Would you want your daughters to stay with a man that cheats? They don’t need a perfect family. They need parents that model healthy life choices, good luck

 

[renegadelegion]

@tinacomb I haven’t gone into much detail on other posts mostly coz I’ve been processing and crying all day but this is a really great comment. I only want to stay in this if it’s right for me, and if it’s not.. the kids will have two happy separate parents.

 

[rogueebear]

@renegadelegion i have 3 y/o and am due soon with my second. husband and i have been together 5 years. last year i found out he had been pretty regularly getting, uh, spicy massages. amongst other minor infractions which on their own were not bad, but with everything combined, i was blinded with rage. we are both addicts in recovery and his addiction unfortunately manifested as sex addiction. after i calmed down a bit we had a very honest, raw conversation, in which we both opened up about things we’d never spoken about with anyone before. tbh, our relationship is stronger than ever now, and ironically i trust him more than i did before.

your situation is a bit different given that it was a short-lived affair and not something sporadic & purely transactional spanning 2 yrs like what i dealt with-but it’s worth trying to work through. ik the more common advice these days is to leave someone as soon as they wrong you, but that’s just not realistic with kids in the picture. you have built a life together and you owe it to yourself to see if it’s salvageable before turning it upside down. your husband fucked up, badly. he needs to be 100% honest about what happened, and you’ll probably need to pry it out of him, because it is embarrassing af, but if he wants to save your marriage he needs to set aside his pride and bare those feelings of shame. it will be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary. it is NOT on you at all to coddle him and absolve him on guilt, but even pretending to go into it with an open mind, from a non-judgmental perspective, will make him feel better about telling you the truth. how you proceed from there is up to you.

i’m so sorry you’re going through this. it fucking sucks. you will get through this one way or another, your kids will be fine no matter what you decide to do. feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to.

 

[renegadelegion]

@rogueebear Oh you’ve hit the nail on the head in several ways here. From my kids perspective, I can’t even imagine a life without him. Their whole world would change.

We live in a different country to all of my family and if I leave, I’d likely go back home, which is a big upheaval for my kids ( and not their first one). I would like to think I could truly truly forgive and try again but I just don’t know at this stage.

 

[armadillo]

@renegadelegion Moving before OR after a custody fight can be a big deal. You need good legal advice. Start consulting with attorneys!

 

[taryn12]

@renegadelegion If you do consider moving, consult an attorney to see when you should time the move in regards to custody battles. We live in a country that does not let either parent go. Both are 50/50 mandatory and needs the other parents permission to leave country with kids. If you leave the country without permission or agreement, you could be charged with international abduction. Also, if say, we were to move, we’d have to live an X amount of time somewhere before local laws are considered…So dig deep and find out your rights.

 

[renegadelegion]

@taryn12 That’s a really great point.

 

[rogueebear]

@renegadelegion of course, your feelings about it are still raw, you’re hurting, and it seems impossible that you’ll ever be able to trust your husband again. give it some time before you make a decision. consider marriage counseling and individual therapy for both of you. the affair was with a coworker, right? it happened organically, it’s not that he was out prowling for some side action. i would personally find comfort in this, lol. if he ended it pretty recently like you said in another comment, it’s possible that he may have come clean himself given some more time. he is the one who ended things, right? to me that’s a good sign. not defending his actions here- just an outsider looking in with some objectivity.

no one on reddit knows what kind of man your husband is or what your marriage is like. for me, my husband is the most amazing person i know, and the positives far outweigh the negatives. shit happens in long-term partnerships. cheating is not the only way trust can be broken, despite many people counting cheating as the only breech of trust that’s grounds for separation. someone else mentioned what kind of example this would set for your kids? easy, they don’t need to know! when i found out about my husbands misdeeds, one thing i wondered was, what would my kids think of me? i dont intend to divulge the uglier details of my marriage to them, bc it’s not their business. what my son sees, and what my daughter soon will, is that mom & dad love each other, bc we do. we genuinely treat each other kindly, and with respect; i don’t agonize over setting a good example for them, because i truly feel we are a good example of a healthy & strong partnership.

please, give yourself time to heal, and give your husband the chance to earn back your trust. a few months or even a year of feeling uneasy in your marriage while you work through this is worth it if the payoff is being able to move past this. and even if you can’t move past it in the end, you’ll know that you at gave it an honest try

 

[jgiffin]

@renegadelegion Me. My twins were 2. Not even married a year. It’s been 4 years. We are going well but it’s the hardest thing its the hardest thing I’ve had to go through. N that’s with him being remorseful, therapy n action.

 

[partypooper98]

@renegadelegion Oh it's story time.
My sister in law is a very finance driven person to put it nicely. Her first husband put her through college in another country and shortly after they divorced. Her family thought it was financial, she confided in me that he was autistic and decided he didn't want to medicate for it and basically withdrew from the relationship in every aspect.
Shortly after that divorce she met another man, very well to do, 7+ figures annually. The dated for a year, engaged for a bit under, and married. When they were married he had multiple children from his first marriage and his youngest was very close to finishing high school. He eldest was in their 20's. He had also had a vasectomy for 10+ years at this point.
Fast forward 5 years and they decided to "make" a baby. He opted to have sperm removed from his scrotum medically to create their child in vitro and said child is now 5 years old. So not an accidental baby, or unplanned in any way.
Things have been rough the past couple of years and SIL think divorce is looming just bc he has seemed to have checked out. While looking through finances she discovers HE'S ENGAGED TO ANOTHER WOMEN FOR OVER A YEAR ACROSS THE FUCKING GLOBE.
He had an affair their entire marriage. Technically she was the other woman when they started dating. They are now going through a horrific divorce but because she kept her head she documented EVERYTHING. The affair, the financial transactions he's made for and with the mistress, the time away from their child, everything. And she's utilizing all of that info to get everything she needs in the divorce.

So be smart. Yes, there will be a time to grieve. But right now, collect all the evidence. Keep a journal or everything going on and date it each day. Create your exit strategy. Assemble your teams. Don't tell him anything. Then pull the rip cord and let the courts handle the rest.