@renegadelegion Remember this...if you divorce him, it isn't YOU that would be breaking up the family. It's HIM. He made the choice to cheat on you, and to be quite honest, he cheated on your whole family. He knew what he was doing, knew the risks, and did it anyway. He did this. Don't blame yourself and don't allow him to blame you either.
Just found out husband of nearly 7 years has had an affair - we have a 3.5y/o and a 17m/o
- Thread starter renegadelegion
- Start date
-
- Tags
- moms
sandalwood
New member
@renegadelegion I stayed. It's taken therapy and a lot of changes from him. We are still slowly working through things and we have good and bad days. I really don't have advice but take it slow. See if he's willing to make the changes in himself for you and your family. I'm so sorry this happened to you because I know how it feels.
@renegadelegion A lot more relationships have had infidelity than you might think. I don’t think you should make snap decisions. Like just say “I don’t know what I’m doing”. You don’t have to burn everything to the ground and storm away. You can take some time and see a therapist on your own and talk about what you want and how to get there. Maybe you don’t think you can recover from this, but you’re not sure how to leave - take some time to think about it. Make some plans and work towards them. Maybe after awhile you both talk about things and decide you want to keep trying - so you do.
I get there’s a lot of emotions right now. But it’s always best to never make decisions when you’re angry or hurt. You might feel extremely vulnerable right now and feel like you have no choice but to stay.. or you just can’t stand to see him and he has to leave right now! (Which might be good) but if you just wait and make a plan you can come out of this stronger. Lots of hugs.
I get there’s a lot of emotions right now. But it’s always best to never make decisions when you’re angry or hurt. You might feel extremely vulnerable right now and feel like you have no choice but to stay.. or you just can’t stand to see him and he has to leave right now! (Which might be good) but if you just wait and make a plan you can come out of this stronger. Lots of hugs.
dhoffner96
New member
@renegadelegion My kids were 3, 5, and 8 when I found out about my ex-husband’s cheating. They’re now 5, 7, and 11 and I have sole legal and primary physical custody.
The last two years have been a rollercoaster, with the lows being my own insecurities and ruminating and trust issues and grieving my marriage and my future, but the highs have been higher than anything I ever experienced with him.
The kids and I have a great routine - we are way more relaxed, we do whatever we want without fear of being yelled at, our house isn’t spotless but it’s full of laughter.
The kind of man who cheats on his family is not the kind of man who values his family - I’m sure if you look closely you will find many instances of his selfishness and entitlement and taking out his guilt by belittling and criticizing and verbally abusing and more. This kind of man is not a loss.
Who my ex-husband has become in the wake of losing everything and getting sober is a much better father; if I had let it go and forgiven him he would have had no reason to change his ways. The kids have two better and happier parents for our being divorced.
It’s a tough road, though, whatever you choose. I’m sorry you’re having to walk it. I wish you all the best and so much strength for whatever is ahead of you.
The last two years have been a rollercoaster, with the lows being my own insecurities and ruminating and trust issues and grieving my marriage and my future, but the highs have been higher than anything I ever experienced with him.
The kids and I have a great routine - we are way more relaxed, we do whatever we want without fear of being yelled at, our house isn’t spotless but it’s full of laughter.
The kind of man who cheats on his family is not the kind of man who values his family - I’m sure if you look closely you will find many instances of his selfishness and entitlement and taking out his guilt by belittling and criticizing and verbally abusing and more. This kind of man is not a loss.
Who my ex-husband has become in the wake of losing everything and getting sober is a much better father; if I had let it go and forgiven him he would have had no reason to change his ways. The kids have two better and happier parents for our being divorced.
It’s a tough road, though, whatever you choose. I’m sorry you’re having to walk it. I wish you all the best and so much strength for whatever is ahead of you.
imagemaster
New member
@renegadelegion Fully realize that I am walking into my own demise here, but for the sake of potentially helping you... I will take whatever mean things the internet has to say.
I was the one who cheated on my husband. I had a lot of reasons and excuses, but none of them matter. I am the bad guy. At the time, everything felt pretty much beyond hope. All the icky feelings that had led our marriage to where it was were still there, then the addition of the deceit and guilt and shattered trust made everything feel completely irreparable.
I was ready to throw in the towel, especially during the times when it felt like he'd never be able to let it go. But being a child of divorce himself, he kept wanting to hang on in spite of all reason. We went through therapy, did a lot of individual soul-searching, and put all the effort into our relationship that we should have been doing for years.
I can honestly say that we are stronger now than we ever were before. Yes, the pain is absolutely still there for both of us for our own reasons. But it's a scar that we acknowledge and choose to see as a reminder of the place of honesty, vulnerability, and partnership that we got to because of it.
So take my experience with a grain of salt, since I'm coming from the other side of it. But I can at least tell you that there is hope if you both are willing to put in a lot of hard work. Not just to recover, but to figure out how you guys got there in the first place. Because otherwise you really can't be sure it won't happen again.
I was the one who cheated on my husband. I had a lot of reasons and excuses, but none of them matter. I am the bad guy. At the time, everything felt pretty much beyond hope. All the icky feelings that had led our marriage to where it was were still there, then the addition of the deceit and guilt and shattered trust made everything feel completely irreparable.
I was ready to throw in the towel, especially during the times when it felt like he'd never be able to let it go. But being a child of divorce himself, he kept wanting to hang on in spite of all reason. We went through therapy, did a lot of individual soul-searching, and put all the effort into our relationship that we should have been doing for years.
I can honestly say that we are stronger now than we ever were before. Yes, the pain is absolutely still there for both of us for our own reasons. But it's a scar that we acknowledge and choose to see as a reminder of the place of honesty, vulnerability, and partnership that we got to because of it.
So take my experience with a grain of salt, since I'm coming from the other side of it. But I can at least tell you that there is hope if you both are willing to put in a lot of hard work. Not just to recover, but to figure out how you guys got there in the first place. Because otherwise you really can't be sure it won't happen again.
tickingclocker
New member
@renegadelegion Look into Esther Perel’s work on infidelity if you are considering working on it. You will need professional support.
Best wishes to you
Best wishes to you
@renegadelegion This has not happened to me and I think it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I know that sounds crazy but I don't view infidelity as black and white. It's an action that has something behind it. Things will be hard if you leave and they will be hard if you stay. I don't believe that you're accepting this level of treatment if you stay. That would only be the case if you turned the other cheek and allowed it, you're not. You're addressing this act and your marriage. I also think you don't need to make that decision now. Look into therapy alone and/or together. It's a big decision and it can plan the next day and not the next year. Good luck. No matter what, you will get through it. You're stronger than you know.
renegadelegion
New member
@mizzdy Thank you - I really appreciate that. The knee jerk reaction to up and leave isn’t always the right one, and maybe staying isn’t either. It’s definitely not black and white and it’s going to take a lot of thinking through. Therapists for each of us and together is our number 1 priority right now, whatever the outcome or decision is in a few days or weeks or months.
psychewriter
New member
@renegadelegion If you’re willing to try again I would say go for it. but if he does anything like this again, even minimal of just texting someone I would say it’s not worth it then. You don’t deserve that.
spindoctor
New member
@renegadelegion Whatever state you live in, and if divorce is something you want to pursue, make sure you call ALLLLLL the divorce attorneys, get your free consult, so when he tries to hire someone there will be a conflict of interest.. protect yourself and the kids!
@renegadelegion I would be worried about him. If he’s cheated on you and you are really best friend with him I would want to know what’s going on. Cheating is bad but at a minimum I would want to know what is wrong. Something might be bad mentally or emotionally. If you aren’t friends with him then that cheating might be just sexual. But if he’s your good friend I would be worried.
Did he smell different? How do you know it’s true? They have deep fakes and revenge porn now so you can’t honestly know
Did he smell different? How do you know it’s true? They have deep fakes and revenge porn now so you can’t honestly know
@renegadelegion I have a book recommendation: Esther Perel - Mating in Captivity. Or even listen to some of her podcasts, all about cheating. She’s a couples therapist.
daughterofaking
New member
@renegadelegion If you want it to work you have to go to couples counseling.
@renegadelegion My step sister had this same issue with her boyfriend(which I know isn’t as complicated as marriage) she had 2 under 2. He cheated on her multiple times over the span of 3ish years and stayed trying to make it work for her kids. But eventually she threw in the towel and has been much happier. Met someone else a year later and is married.
The point though. You got to do what makes you happy. If staying with him is going to cause you depression, anxiety and put a strain on you to where you can’t take care of yourself or your kids, it might not be worth it. Think about yourself and your kids when deciding. The kids will adapt to you guys being split, they’ll be ok.
I hope you heal and find what you need in whatever you decide.
The point though. You got to do what makes you happy. If staying with him is going to cause you depression, anxiety and put a strain on you to where you can’t take care of yourself or your kids, it might not be worth it. Think about yourself and your kids when deciding. The kids will adapt to you guys being split, they’ll be ok.
I hope you heal and find what you need in whatever you decide.
@renegadelegion My bf cheated on me for 4 months, we didn’t break up mostly bc we have a child and one on the way, but it still makes me sick to my stomach and some days I can’t even talk to him, they didn’t have intercourse but it’s the thought of him putting another girl above me and all the lies he said
@renegadelegion Last year I found out my boyfriend of 5yrs. Sent another woman money and saved inappropriate pictures from her five months after we had our first child (2020) then found out he’s been commenting on naked girls pictures.
mohammedfan
New member
@renegadelegion I don’t know you, but I know you and your children deserve better. Protect them, and your heart.
@renegadelegion He sucks
@renegadelegion I gave my SO another chance after he cheated and I regret it every day. So sorry for what you’re going through.
@renegadelegion We never married but my partner and I were together for 5 years. When my son was only a year I found out that my partner at the time was talking to other women while I was pregnant. I left him and feel so much happier!! People tell me I’m glowing. It’s so devastating but our babies deserve their mamas at their best!