Just found out husband of nearly 7 years has had an affair - we have a 3.5y/o and a 17m/o

[jwilder9]

@renegadelegion I'm going to approach this from a very weird position. I had a client who was a cheater, his wife thought I was one of his affair partners, and occasionally likes to send random threats for the past... Oh..4 or 5 years.

Here is the thing though, the man was a coaching client so I got a little more insight into his personal thoughts than a normal coworker and if this was Vegas I would've bet he was screwing someone at the office.

However, not my business.

Until his wife thought I was one of his chicks because of how much we talked or emailed. In retrospect he was either a pretty prolific cheater or she is delusional. Either way the entire situation is...sad.

Like that's all I can think about. This woman cost me a large professional contract and I just feel sadness. You can feel the paranoia. Hey husband connecting or talking to anyone has her on red alert. According to the last rant filled email she sent to a list serve worth of women (not sure how many of us are falsely accused) they have been in couples therapy and she just can't get "us" out of her head and just wants us to reach out to her if he ever contacts us and see that he has a family that we were hurting.

How exhausting must all that be? That paranoia? To hold on to the suspicions... To let it rot you. Do you have any friends? Or is every coworker and friendly neighbor a potential "threat"?

I stopped trying to talk sense into her after two messages. She said she saw everything, which meant she saw nothing incriminating, but she still couldn't believe the truth. She just assumed she didn't have the right evidence yet... Kept ranting about how she wasn't a fool. She KNEW. Nothing could convince her that what she "knew" wasn't the truth.

I was an external contractor so the president paid for the remainder of my current contract but cancelled the future ones. I was horribly demoralized.

But essentially she chose to stay (again in assuming he actually cheated at some point and this wasn't all conjuncture in her head since she wasn't committed yet) and it seemed so exhausting being her and in her own destruction she was becoming this raging force striking out at everything around her. She lost reason. She lost sense. She just carries this hurt.

It's so so so sad.

Don't be so desperate to stay a family that you can't heal from the wound and be a healthy person.

Wishing you the best of luck.

 

[renegadelegion]

@elle_vee Thank you for the recommendation, appreciate it. And your words. You’re right.

 

[laura888]

@renegadelegion I agree with this commenter. My husband cheated on me and we stayed together (and now have an 18 month old and one on the way). My husband took full accountability and did everything to keep us together. It was a lot of hard work for both of us. It never would have worked if he wasn’t a good candidate for reconciliation, and this is something outside of your control. We are now 3.5 years out and I still have moments of being triggered by the affair. It changed me as a person, some of it is positive growth. Overall we’re happy but I would not do this again. If he cheats again, I’m done. I hope you are doing ok and I understand how truly life shattering this is. I hope you find your way! Reach out if you need support. It will get better, but it does take time.

 

[renegadelegion]

@laura888 Thank you so so much for this comment. Thank you. I needed to know it can work if we choose to work at it.

I’m just in disbelief right now that he could come home and look at our beautiful kids faces then go off and do those things.

 

[youngmotherfightforlife]

@laura888 Do you think if the roles were reversed he would have forgiven you?

 

[laura888]

@youngmotherfightforlife That’s a good question and I’m not sure. I’m a naturally very forgiving person and I’d like to think he is too. But I have no idea. Trying to forgive infidelity is definitely not for the faint of heart and it’s not surprising that reconciliation fails a lot. I think he would at least try now after he’s already had an affair. I personally will never go through it again. Also if he does cheat again it will be so much worse after he now knows how bad it was for me/us. I think he was very naive the first time (I was too, I had no idea how much it would affect me)

 

[guitarjavi75]

@renegadelegion OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. My heart goes out to you and your kids. I strongly suggest asking him to leave for a few days while you get your thoughts together. If he refuses, that's a bad sign that he's not willing to give you the space you need for your mental health. Also, if he refuses, then take the kids and stay with someone or in a hotel for a few days.

My ex husband cheated on me multiple times. I forgave him 3 times. Each time he said it was the last and that he loved me. But he kept doing it because he knew he already got away with it. He was also abusive but it was the constant infidelity that gave me the strength to file for divorce. You have to draw the line at someone being unfaithful (or abusive).

You mentioned in one of your comments that you confronted him. So he was never going to tell you if you never found out. He would've just been ok living with the fact he did this and his wife has no idea. You only found out about 1 affair. Maybe he had 1 or maybe there's more you just didn't find.

Instead of being home with his family, he was giving time to someone else. Time that could've been spent doing a family activity. My now ex husband was actually bad mouthing me to the women he had affairs with. What was he telling this woman about you while he wasn't with you and the children? The final woman, I actually called her and said I'm not going to argue with you, please just tell me what he told you, did he tell you he was married? He told her that I was just the crazy mother of his kids who is just staying with him at that time because I was homeless. She sent me texts to prove it.

While you've been faithful to him , he just does whatever he wants. He knows if you found out, you would be devastated but he still went thru with it. You took your vows seriously, but he didn't.

Quitting his job isn't the answer. There will be female coworkers anywhere he goes. If not this one coworker, then it may be another. He has already shown he'll take it there with coworkers. It's a character flaw on his end, not a job problem. He was starting to develop feelings for this woman (if I read your comment correctly). This goes past just casual sex. He was giving her the love that he should only have for you.

There is healing after this. At first, it hurts like hell. Then the pain gets less until you finally realize you did the right thing by leaving. It makes you stronger and shows your kids that cheating is not acceptable. I had 3 young kids under ten and became a single mom for several years. Now I'm remarried to a good man. I also set the boundary with him before we got married that if he cheated and I found out, I would NOT give a second chance.

Good luck to you in whatever path you choose.

 

[amberemilee]

@renegadelegion I don’t have personal experience with being cheated on in marriage but I will say saving the family is possible if that’s truly what both partners want. However, if you stay together you’ll have to let it go and forgive. I’ve seen couples stay together who couldn’t let it go and it only drug out the inevitable. Did he tell you? Or did you discover it yourself? Is he willing to end the affair? Is it a coworker? If so is he willing to leave his job/department?

 

[renegadelegion]

@amberemilee Thank you for replying.

He didn’t tell me until I confronted him - and I think he’s not been honest about the depth of it, based off the messages I’ve seen, but he wouldn’t have told me as much as I’d seen willingly, I would guess. I know he’s embarrassed for me to know.

Apparently it’s been ended just before Easter, it was with a coworker. He’s said he’s willing to quit to keep our family together and fully knows if he goes back to work with her it’s over for our marriage.

 

[amberemilee]

@renegadelegion Well I think confronting him on complete and total honesty is your next step. Telling him that if he is willing to work through this. You need all your questions answered honestly so you can make the best decision for yourself and see that he’s willing to be open honest and faithful moving forward. He needs to know that skating around and being dishonest at this point is only going to make you trust him less and less. But at the same time, if you want to stay and work it out. You’re going to have to accept his answers and trust that he’s told you everything. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. You don’t deserve it. But whatever you choose, it’s the right choice for you, regardless of what anyone has to say about it.

 

[renegadelegion]

@amberemilee That’s exactly it, him hiding the truth is making it worse now, I don’t think he can see that coz he’s trying to save face.

 

[wakemasta]

@renegadelegion You can’t stay if he’s still not being honest. Furthermore, he didn’t confess to you willingly, you had to confront him and he cracked. He would have continued to keep you in the dark if you hadn’t found out on your own. He does not respect you. He jeopardized both your mental and physical health (get an STI test) for his own sick pleasure. You don’t know this is the first time, just the first time he’s been caught. You have to leave, he has no respect for you, your emotions, your trust, or your health and safety. LEAVE, please, don’t torture yourself or become a statistic.

 

[willowwhisp]

@renegadelegion Mine is almost 2. We live with my parents while the divorce gets worked out. About a year now trying to finalize this divorce. Dad only visits when he wants something from me. Baby doesn't understand and it's very upset because dad is super inconsistent.

He was cheating on me with 19 year old. He's 40 this year. While we tried to reconcile in those first few months. But he carried on with his second mistress who was 24.

Had he not continued to cheet on me while we were in therapy I might have had several more years of shit.

Chump lady really helped me. When I read her argument that basically said, look he already promised to stay with you and broke that. What exactly is going to keep him from doing it again? His promises mean nothing.

Her book is also awesome Leave a Cheater gain a life.

It doesn't feel like it now. Right now everything is horrible. It hurts so much. It feels like you've died. Like someone died. This is the worst.

If you stick with him you will need to figure out how you will deal with the constant question "is he telling the truth?" Is that really where he's going? Who's he with? Who is he talking to? That lasts for about 2 years. I first caught my husband cheating on me about 2 months after we got married. He promised and gave me access to all his accounts. I watched everything. I was his warden for communication. He just got sneaky. And I was still rest to fine him a chance for our kid. Who he could not care less about.

After that two years you might think it's fine. It might be. you might catch him again some 5 years later.

I'm on team leave the cheater. My life is 10 thousand times better then when I was with the selfish jerk. Like so much happier and healthier. One thing I didn't realize was how much emotional abuse I was taking in our day to day relationship. I justified so much abuse to stay with him unhappy and stressed out because I was afraid of what life would be. ITS SO MUCH BETTER ON THIS SIDE. Maybe that's not true for you. Maybe you have a unicorn and he'll never do it again. Maybe he's or with her right now. You deserve to have a parent you can trust. You deserve to feel safe.

 

[talemzewd]

@renegadelegion My ex husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. I really tried to make it work for a long time, but eventually it was clear that my feelings for him were irreparably damaged. It was difficult to separate, but once we did I felt immediately unburdened by everything he put me through. I’ve since remarried a wonderful man and it feels like all that happened in a different lifetime. I genuinely feel like if I was still with my ex my mental health and sanity would be garbage. My ex and I are on good terms though now and we co-parent our kids well. Leaving was definitely the right choice for me.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I know it’s fucking hard. Don’t listen to other people telling you what you absolutely should or shouldn’t do. They’re not the ones going through your daily life with your husband. You know yourself and your own feelings. Trust them.

 

[peterme93]

@renegadelegion Me. Been almost 7 years later. Still together. In a great place. It took a lot of work on both of our parts. Therapy plus a support group. It can be done if both parties are fully on board with reconciliation. The cheater has to acknowledge it’s their fault over and over and over again and work to help you heal, as long as it takes. If they aren’t willing to put in the work to keep you, then they don’t deserve you. If they are, then it is possible to overcome and forgive, even though that seems impossible at the moment.

 

[renegadelegion]

@peterme93 Thank you. I really really appreciate this, probably more than you know.

 

[tladams6980]

@renegadelegion My ex had multiple internet affairs when I was pregnant with our now 7 year old. Swore he would stop. Found them again a few years later and went to counseling. Divorced recently by my choice for unrelated issues (or maybe not totally unrelated) and found more girls he was talking to. I think you have to look at your personal situation and determine if it is truly worth saving and if you can trust again. I think the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is generally true but there are also stories of couples coming out the other side stronger so be very cautious with your heart if you give him a second chance. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Once you make your decision and can see what the future looks like, moving forward becomes easier each day.

 

[romeishome]

@renegadelegion Not with children
But early on my partner and I had these issues due to my own problems. It never got physical but I was talking with another guy and there were feelings.

It was hard but my partner decided to stay and we are still strong years later. I will admit a very different situation due to not doing anything physically ( that most certainly would have ended things I believe ) and that I was in my late teens/early 20s. We're both 30/turning 30 with our second on the way and our first is 3 years old so we've built our lives together.

It really does depend on whether you can move past it all. My partner wanted to know EVERYTHING to help him understand and move on. And constantly talk about it and I had to have patience and not forget that I'm the one who made the wrong choices.

Trust is the biggest one. And I don't think anyone would blame you no matter which way you choose and even if you did change your mind after the fact too. ( My partner did almost completely break it off when he was feeling like it wasn't getting better )

No, I've never even come close to doing anything that stupid again and I have definitely matured from the whole situation too. I could never hurt someone that deeply again.

 

[renegadelegion]

@romeishome This is very helpful. Thank you for your honesty. I’m so glad you’re together and happy.

 

[fatherat50]

@renegadelegion I would leave. Your kids are young enough to not remember you two living together, so the transition should go pretty smoothly. There’s no way I could stay with someone who didn’t respect me and our family
enough to keep it in his pants