@pensonfam I can't even begin to understand your loss. I'm so sorry you lost your child. My heart mourns sp heavy for your family
@pensonfam So fucking sorry man, stay present, stay strong. It's fucking horrible. Be there for your wife. Be there for yourself. Allow yourself to grieve and feel it. You guys will come out of this stronger as a couple together. Just be there for her. So sorry.
@pensonfam There is no way to predict or prepare for these things. This is absolutely heartbreaking and I have nothing to say except I feel your pain.
claire1996
New member
@pensonfam I’m so sorry man. Look up Oscar’s Wish - they do a lot of work with bereaved families and are massively helping a friend of mine out at the moment.
@pensonfam So sorry. Hang in there. Be there and support each other through this difficult time.
neomonkey1
New member
@pensonfam Oh no, I wish I had something to say that would help in some way. A small thing to lift you and your partner's spirit at this time.
I grieve with you my brother.
I grieve with you my brother.
@pensonfam I am sorry for your loss.
We lost Louis in Feb this year. He was one of our twins but unfortunately was quite poorly and we made the decision to undergo selective termination at 34 weeks.
The NHS were also brilliant in our case, particularly the bereavement midwife who seemed to always be there for us. I am sure someone recommended this already to you but check out the ARC website, they have some amazing resources for both parents and if you chose to, they can connect you to a network for parents who have lost a child (I can't quite face this yet but some of the reading on their website helped me tremendously). 4Louis is another great organisation to check out, incidentally we had decided to name our son Louis so it's extra special for us.
All I can say is that it gets better with time but it never becomes okay. You'll each grieve in your own way, mine is to write letters for Louis in a word doc on my phone. Also people will say some stupid things to you but they generally mean well so try not to get too upset
We lost Louis in Feb this year. He was one of our twins but unfortunately was quite poorly and we made the decision to undergo selective termination at 34 weeks.
The NHS were also brilliant in our case, particularly the bereavement midwife who seemed to always be there for us. I am sure someone recommended this already to you but check out the ARC website, they have some amazing resources for both parents and if you chose to, they can connect you to a network for parents who have lost a child (I can't quite face this yet but some of the reading on their website helped me tremendously). 4Louis is another great organisation to check out, incidentally we had decided to name our son Louis so it's extra special for us.
All I can say is that it gets better with time but it never becomes okay. You'll each grieve in your own way, mine is to write letters for Louis in a word doc on my phone. Also people will say some stupid things to you but they generally mean well so try not to get too upset
stickin2thword
New member
@pensonfam I’m so so sorry.
cherokeeken
New member
@pensonfam I'm so sorry you've joined this shifty ass club. I Lost my first boy Jack in a very similar way 6 years ago. It doesn't hurt as bad, but it still fuckong hurts.
There's nothing I can really say other than I feel for you, I'm so sorry, and I'm here for you if you need.
There's nothing I can really say other than I feel for you, I'm so sorry, and I'm here for you if you need.
@pensonfam I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. Please take care of yourselves. Drink lots of water and allow yourselves to grieve.
I hope the healing can begin soon.
I hope the healing can begin soon.
2daughters
New member
@pensonfam So deeply sorry for your loss brother! This literally has me shedding tears as I try not to imagine for our third to be in that situation as she is the only one this far who has been at the perfection of everything, however not to deny the fact that death is inevitable no matter the age or health condition.
I ask that God gives you and the wife the courage to beat this and make the most out of the little bit of time that you guys had with lil Sonny!
I ask that God gives you and the wife the courage to beat this and make the most out of the little bit of time that you guys had with lil Sonny!
globalfaith
New member
@pensonfam Take time to grieve, both of you. It's a lot to process. Wish you both well.
@pensonfam We don't find out how strong we are until strong is the only choice we have.
For now, focus on the basics:
Food. Rest. Hygiene.
The rest will follow in time.
Take help where it's offered. Ask for help when it's needed.
Take care of your wife.
Take care of yourself.
Your son would've been proud to see how strong you are.
For now, focus on the basics:
Food. Rest. Hygiene.
The rest will follow in time.
Take help where it's offered. Ask for help when it's needed.
Take care of your wife.
Take care of yourself.
Your son would've been proud to see how strong you are.
louisaegg79
New member
@pensonfam I am not a dad, but a mom. Reading this broke my heart for you both. I had a loss just into the second trimester. Although I didn’t labor, I did require surgery.
I know how devastating that was for myself, my husband, and my family. But. It cannot be compared to your family’s situation. My heart truly goes out to you. I know you’re hearing a lot of that, but I mean it as much as a stranger on Reddit can mean it.
I did go on to have two successful pregnancies. I hope, should you both decide to try again, that you will be able to as well. I mention my pregnancies because after both of them I had postpartum anxiety. Although your situation is vastly different, your wife’s body is going through the same motions. Her hormones don’t understand what just happened and will be affecting her in the same way.
Postpartum is very real. And comes in many forms. There’s anxiety, depression, and psychosis. Psychosis is the most severe - most people know it from news stories - but it’s not as common as it’s made out to be. I had PP anxiety. It didn’t rear its ugly head until about 4 months, and peaked at 6 months. It doesn’t always present immediately, or shortly after delivery. I didn’t know what was happening, or how much my behaviors had changed. But my husband did. I thought I was over thinking things and worrying too much. My husband knew something was very wrong and immediately called my midwife, and made me a therapy appointment.
I ended up needing medications for a couple of years, and did regular therapy appointments for about a year. It eventually subsided. But it was stressful and scary for all involved.
I guess, long story short, you need to watch you wife closely. Obviously your situation is much more complex. There is an entire layer of grief that complicates things, and could make it hard to distinguish what behaviors are coming from where. But if you suddenly see a change in her behaviors, notify her doctors right away. She might deny that anything is wrong. Trust your gut. My husband saved my life and sanity (and his own).
I also know that this is not just about your wife. You are grieving too. Give yourself some grace during this difficult time. Your wife could be blaming herself right now. Be there for her and listen to her. It might be helpful during very emotional times to ask her, “do you want to talk about it or do you just want me to listen?” Sometimes we don’t want someone to try to make us feel better, or talk it out, we just want to scream into the void and be held.
Make sure you take time for yourself as well. We cannot effectively care for others if we don’t take care of ourselves first. Kind of like, on an airplane, make sure you put the mask on yourself first before helping others. You both are stronger than you know. I will keep you both in my thoughts.
I know how devastating that was for myself, my husband, and my family. But. It cannot be compared to your family’s situation. My heart truly goes out to you. I know you’re hearing a lot of that, but I mean it as much as a stranger on Reddit can mean it.
I did go on to have two successful pregnancies. I hope, should you both decide to try again, that you will be able to as well. I mention my pregnancies because after both of them I had postpartum anxiety. Although your situation is vastly different, your wife’s body is going through the same motions. Her hormones don’t understand what just happened and will be affecting her in the same way.
Postpartum is very real. And comes in many forms. There’s anxiety, depression, and psychosis. Psychosis is the most severe - most people know it from news stories - but it’s not as common as it’s made out to be. I had PP anxiety. It didn’t rear its ugly head until about 4 months, and peaked at 6 months. It doesn’t always present immediately, or shortly after delivery. I didn’t know what was happening, or how much my behaviors had changed. But my husband did. I thought I was over thinking things and worrying too much. My husband knew something was very wrong and immediately called my midwife, and made me a therapy appointment.
I ended up needing medications for a couple of years, and did regular therapy appointments for about a year. It eventually subsided. But it was stressful and scary for all involved.
I guess, long story short, you need to watch you wife closely. Obviously your situation is much more complex. There is an entire layer of grief that complicates things, and could make it hard to distinguish what behaviors are coming from where. But if you suddenly see a change in her behaviors, notify her doctors right away. She might deny that anything is wrong. Trust your gut. My husband saved my life and sanity (and his own).
I also know that this is not just about your wife. You are grieving too. Give yourself some grace during this difficult time. Your wife could be blaming herself right now. Be there for her and listen to her. It might be helpful during very emotional times to ask her, “do you want to talk about it or do you just want me to listen?” Sometimes we don’t want someone to try to make us feel better, or talk it out, we just want to scream into the void and be held.
Make sure you take time for yourself as well. We cannot effectively care for others if we don’t take care of ourselves first. Kind of like, on an airplane, make sure you put the mask on yourself first before helping others. You both are stronger than you know. I will keep you both in my thoughts.
@pensonfam This happened to a former colleague of mine earlier this year.. Lost their daughter at the very end of the pregnancy..
I can only offer my condolences, the same I did to them, but I know it won't help. Only time will.
It will always be a part of you, and he will always be your firstborn.
I read somewhere that during pregnancy, cells from the baby will enter the mother, and attach themselves in tissues in her body. Where they can remain for many decades, sometimes the rest of her life.
So in a way he will be with you guys physically, as well as spiritually/emotionally.
I can only offer my condolences, the same I did to them, but I know it won't help. Only time will.
It will always be a part of you, and he will always be your firstborn.
I read somewhere that during pregnancy, cells from the baby will enter the mother, and attach themselves in tissues in her body. Where they can remain for many decades, sometimes the rest of her life.
So in a way he will be with you guys physically, as well as spiritually/emotionally.
@pensonfam I'm sorry for your loss.
douglashilliard
New member
@pensonfam Having not experienced what you’re going through but being familiar with grief, the pictures and feet and hand casts are not for nothing. They may seem useless to you right now, but they are not and you will be happy to have them in the future even if they bring you sorrow then too. Put them away for now until you have some closure and take a few steps forward.
bouncebeat
New member
@pensonfam Fucking hell man, I’m so sorry. We lost our first, but much earlier in the pregnancy. Even so, it hit my wife hard and I, being a young jackass, didn’t treat things with the levity and compassion I should have, which I have since apologized for. 12 years later we have three kids, I hope the same for you and yours. Even more than successful birth, care for her and her mental health. Doesn’t hesitate to get help for both of you to process things in a healthy way.
mercies892
New member
@pensonfam Brother, I’m so sorry for you and your family.