Is it selfish to have kids with large age gaps, 10+ years?

@aog17 It's no more selfish than having kids close in age.

We have three kids. My stepchild is almost 7 years older than my son and almost 14 years older than my daughter. My son and daughter are about 6 years apart. (I do not understand how anyone affords two in daycare at the same time.)

If you want some advice: Make sure you have some one-on-one time with your daughter regularly planned after having your baby. She's used to being your sole focus and may resent her sibling less if you continue to give some special attention of her own.

Try not to have expectations for intimacy, but do have rules about behavior. Like, your older child should not have to play with her sibling or be a babysitter, but she should be expected to treat her sibling with kindness and patience-- because that's how we treat younger people.

I think sibling relationships are unpredictable and depend on each child's development and personality. My kids are 26, 19, and 13, now. My younger two generally like each other but don't hang out because they're at such different places in their development. However, when they were 8 and 3, he regularly included her when playing outside with neighborhood kids. When she was 1 and he was 6, he loved building blocks with her and making her laugh. Now that my daughter is a teen her oldest sibling, who lives out of state, had her for a week long visit. They are both into art and anime, so they've shared that over Zoom for the last few years (a godsend during Covid).

Anecdotally, I'm closer with my younger sister than with my twin. My sister and I talk a couple times a week. We're almost 8 years apart in age.
 
@datomiv It sounds like great dynamics between everyone. I hope that my youngest will be similar, at least as an adult. She isn't as close as the older 2, which I think is why she's always asked for a sibling. Im sure she'll be mad about it as a teenager, lol. It's great that your oldest can take the youngest for a visit! It gives you a break, too.
 
@aog17 I'm the oldest sibling, I have a 4-year gap with the middle one and a 15-year gap with the youngest; plus, my first son was born 4 years after my brother (yes, teen mom) I don't have a really strong relationship with my brother because we didn't share too much.

My son is 13 years old now and I'm pregnant with my second. He's not entirely happy about it all the time because he is used to being alone, I know they're not going to share that much as my brother and myself, but the truth is that in my economic condition was impossible to have another baby close to the first one that's why I'm having it now that my financial and work situation it's much better. If you and your partner are entirely sure about having a baby go for it, Sometimes life makes us wait haha...I'm sure the sisters will be happy with time and they will enjoy themselves and bond in their own way.
 
@baelog Thank you! Is your son close to your brother? I agree that sometimes life makes us wait! Sometimes I wish I had tried a couple of years ago, but I really wasn't ready until the last year. I am sad that waiting so long means my dad won't be here to meet my baby if we have one. He was the best grandpa.
 
@aog17 They are pretty close, my brother is now 18 so they are in different stages of life...but they used to play together a lot when were children.

but I really wasn't ready until the last year.

I think this is what matter more...as parents we want to give them the best life in every aspect, if we don't feel ready it's more than fine to wait
 
@aog17 My youngest brother was 10 years younger than me and he was my absolute favorite human ever. We were always super close and I loved him fiercely. He was also very close to my kids because he was about halfway between us in age. Granted, I'm very close to all my brothers but being in a position to actually help him in all states of his life is what made us great friends.
I also have kids with big age gaps - they're 24, 17, and... 4 lol. I have a truly unique relationship with each of them. They each got the best I had to offer at different points in my life. And I'm already seeing them bond over helping each other through different points in life- the life lessons stick better coming from an older sibling than coming from their mom, ya know?
 
@xxtrollbasherxx I absolutely love this! As others have mentioned, it's a lot more challenging to start over when you're older. Did you and your spouse find it manageable? Im sure its more exhausting lol but over all has it been okay? Do you feel like youre missing out on dates or travel or anything?
 
@aog17 There are definitely times when I wonder why on earth I started all over again lol. Kindergarten starts next year and I'm like... "I've been dealing with school for like 19 years now, wtf am I thinking??" But honestly, it's also a ton of fun to have a little one around again. And I think she keeps me feeling young, you know? I have to do all the active mom things again, and it introduces me to other people in the area. So that's been nice.
The only thing I feel like I'm missing out on really is travel. I won't be flying off on a solo trip anytime soon because I won't be asking my older kids to parent their sister in any capacity. And even family trips are difficult because one wants NYC night life and another wants Disney On Ice. Luckily, they all agree on camping and that's easy so that's what we do.
There is no longer a spouse to speak of, so I can't help you on that lol.
 
@aog17 My brother, sister and I are all within three years of age. My mom remarried and had a fourth child when I was almost 20 years old. At first, it was a shock, I wasn’t overly happy about it honestly. I felt like it was odd… my mom was 42 and already had three grown children.

So my younger sister was born and clearly raised as an only child since her siblings were grown. There is such a huge age gap that we aren’t super close but of course I love her. I think it was harder for me initially bc when she was born, I was away at college and felt like I needed at least some attention; however, a new baby/child is going to take precedence. I didn’t expressly make it known that I needed attention or help, so I just figured things out for myself. Point being, kids still need their parents when they are young adults, and I didn’t feel as though I had that bc of the new addition. Anyway, all is well and every family looks different and has different dynamics. It will def change the dynamics of the family, for better or for worse.
 
@elizevh Thank you, im sorry you had to figure stuff out alone. Thats a big fear of mine. I'm only 32, but the age gaps will still be similar if it happens. I will try my best to not ever exclude any of my older kids. At 32, I still need my mom!
 
@aog17 We have a son together that’s a little over 1 year and he has 3 daughters. They are all 10+ They love their little brother. It seems fine. They don’t live with us, but come over every other month as they live pretty far away.

I don’t think it is. I’ve seen it happen quite often where people have large age gaps. A friend had a daughter that was 16 and had her son.
 
@aog17 My youngest brother is 9 years younger than me. Personally, I loved it. I got to really see the experience (and remember it). I still think of him like my baby lol. Like others have said, as long as you don’t force the older ones to parent, it’s totally fine.
 
@aog17 I have an 11 year old and a 8 month old. Not planned but honestly I love it. I never wanted one close together. I didn't want a toddler and a new born but maybe 5 years apart. The 8 month old is the result of a faulty surgery getting my tubes tied. They love each other so much and I make sure big brother is just that not another parent. However I'm almost 40 and that newborn stage and sleep regression is super hard. I love it though.
 
@james24 Aww congratulations on your new baby! Sounds like they were meant to be here. This makes me feel better, thank you! Im a bit scared of newborn stage lol last time it went by really fast
 
@aog17 Yes and no. You kinda know what to do already so that helps. There's lots of things that are just challenging no matter what. Not impossible though. The only potential issue is the older we get the more likely we are going to have health problems that could complicate pregnancy and labor. Most are easy fix though.
 
@aog17 I mean at the end of the day. You and your husband should do what makes you happy. You both know your limits. Maybe write up a list of pros and cons. Just talk to over. I knew after my son was born that would be the first and last time I would give birth. If the situation was different I might have changed my mind but I don't regret it at all now.
 
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