Is it selfish to have kids with large age gaps, 10+ years?

[igvh91]

@aog17 no

 

[natesse]

@aog17 Not at all, as the older children can take care of younger siblings, either temporary or permanently.

 

[kfooty]

@aog17 My mom and aunt are 10 years apart. Their relationship is different, but I wouldn't say it was bad. Things they didn't like:
Aunt - she hated that rules for her were different for my mom because of age differences, and still holds a bit of a grudge for missing out on things because one of her chores was being babysitter from time to time.
My mom - thinks my aunt got their parents in their prime while she got a more tired and strict version, she also holds resentment because my aunt got more time with their Dad who passed away rather young. She also hated her sister bossing her around.

I have 3 kids myself, and there's 9 years between my oldest and youngest. Their relationship is how you'd expect, the older has very little interest in the youngest and the youngest wants all their things which causes a lot of upset. You know typical sibling stuff.

TLDR: Not selfish, just prepare for even more of the joys of sibling life.

 

[aog17]

@kfooty Thank you for their perspective!! I hope that as adults they are close. Their experience is something to definitely keep in mind and try to prevent what I can, like the babysitting part. The joys of sibling life with 3 littles were rough for a few years, but I definitely appreciate it now. I miss it!

 

[kfooty]

@aog17 They are, they live in different countries now (one in UK and the other in the US) but they talk regularly and see each other as much as possible. Just know that just because something isn't the norm doesn't make it bad. No one has a perfect situation. We're all human with all the faults that come along with it. Children are a blessing. Best of luck to you and your family!

 

[diaanaa86]

@aog17 I think it is different in every situation. For my mom, her siblings are 15 and 20 years older than her, and my husband, his are 12-15 years older than him, they were all half siblings that didn't live with them so they didn't have much of a relationship. I was going to be 15 years older than my brother. Unfortunately, he was stillborn at 30 weeks, but he would have been 10 this year. My older brother has special needs and they knew they'd never be empty nesters so my parents decided to have another baby around the time I was 14. They talked to both of us about it and we were very excited to have a little brother. My husband knows about my baby brother and he sweetly jokes that the only difference would be that he would have two brother in laws fighting for his attention instead of one. I would talk to your older kids and see what they think. They are old enough to be able to talk about how they feel about it and to understand that they aren't being replaced or anything.

 

[aog17]

@diaanaa86 I am so sorry about the loss of your baby brother. I can't even imagine, especially when everyone was so excited. Things are so unfair that it's unbelievable sometimes. It's awesome that your husband loves the brother you do have!
I agree that all situations are different. My 2 step kids do live with us full time, and when they were little, it wouldn't have been fair to have another, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I did ask them about it recently. My youngest loves the idea. The oldest think its a horrible idea, after having bad expierences with their bio mom and her other kids. She abandoned all of them, its still a bad situation for the young ones. Hopefully I can talk them through their concerns if we do decide to try again

 

[diaanaa86]

@aog17 Thank you. It was very hard, but we have all made it through the hard times. I can understand the bad experiences for your stepkids, I am worried my stepson, he is 5, will go through something similar. His mom had a baby last year and abandoned him for a second time and then got married a few months ago, to a different guy than her daughter's father, who has a son the same age as my stepson. I am expecting a baby girl in 2 months, and his father and I just got married a month ago. I can definitely understand their fears after being abandoned as we are trying to avoid that for my stepson. I think talking about fears and concerns will be your best bet. Has the oldest said why they think it's terrible? It might be something you can quell their fears on. I think that they will be the hardest to convince just because of their age.

 

[aog17]

@diaanaa86 I think with someone like you and your husband, your stepson will have a good chance at being okay. Its when they go with their unstable moms that things go south quickly. I think he will love his sister at your house, and also congratulations! When my girls were young, talking it out helped them. Whats hard to explain is why you can't save all of their abandoned siblings. And they would feel guilty for having stability here when their siblings bounced around and had no parents around. I wish I could have taken all of the kids.

I think they'll come around to the idea when they see things won't be bad at our home. They both have fears they can't explain. Maybe that stems from things they've seen at their moms. When my oldest was 6 years old, she called me from her moms crying because her mom left her alone with a 2 week old baby for hours, and she couldn't calm him down. I sent her grandpa over there because we lived 3 hours away, and she got her phone taken away and in huge trouble for telling anyone that she was alone with the baby. There are stories shes just starting to share with us that happened before we had custody of them. My middle daughter holds a grudge against her mother and is uncomfortable around babies. She still refuses to watch her siblings at her moms to this day - rightfully so.

 

[buddyfern2016]

@aog17 Miy two are 10 years apart and their 5 cousins (1 family) ranged from 20 to 0 (youngest before the newest was 12 ish)

My kids get along great - adore each other, but very different children (now adults)

Their cousins are boy, girl, boy, boy, girl - they are a close-knit family, but the two girls (women now) are super close

 

[aog17]

@buddyfern2016 So glad to hear they get along in both families! I know it's no guarantee they'll be friends even close in age, but it's more of a concern spread out. Our family would be similar to the cousins in yours, and I hope that at least one of my girls would be close to the youngest when theyre all adults

 

[aog17]

@buddyfern2016 Also, was it hard raising two with that age gap? As far as activities for both, or sports/events for your older while having a baby?

 

[johnlxyz]

@aog17 My oldest is 18 years older than his little brother. There are no children in-between.
My mother was 18 years younger than her brother. There are no children in-between.
Mother Nature has a sense of humor.

 

[aog17]

@johnlxyz What are the chances of that lol. Did your mother and uncle have a good relationship as adults? And was your son ok with having a baby brother when he was 18?

 

[seawolf1957]

@aog17 Our families have a lot in common it seems! My husband had 2 kids before meeting me, is almost 40, and said no more kids at that point. The oldest is 19 and the youngest is 6 months. As long as all kids can be appropriately cared for and get the attention they need from their parents, I personally don't see a problem.

 

[aog17]

@seawolf1957 Thank you! I dont know why my brain cant make it that simple because it really is. I guess I just needed to hear it from other people lol. Was the oldest bothered in any way by having such a young sibling?

 

[seawolf1957]

@aog17 The oldest is a bad example of a sibling. He doesn't come out of his room. He doesn't interact with her at all, but he doesn't interact with anyone in the house. He hasn't expressed a problem, but he just doesn't communicate with us. That started long before the baby came. The middle child is just anxious around babies. His big and clumsy, and seems worried about hurting her. But he will make faces and noises with her.

 

[aog17]

@seawolf1957 Aww the middle will be more comfortable when the babys a toddler! My middle child is anxious around babies as well. I hope your oldest comes around eventually, with all of you. It sounds like something theyll need to workout with themself

 

[ericlarrybob1]

@aog17 i have a brother 10 years older than me. he is kind of irrelevant in my life imo I dont think its selfish just dont expect a relationship

 

[aog17]

@ericlarrybob1 This makes sense and is kind of something I feel bad about. Do you think you will be closer when youre older?