@aog17 From an oldest daughter perspective? Yeah. It’s kind of selfish. I don’t hold any grudges against my parents for it, but they had me really young. They had no resources but were Catholic and kept me. Because of it I had two parents that were still maturing themselves and it really stings to see how much they could change for my youngest siblings but could never have it together for me. I don’t resent my sibling or anything. We are really close despite all of the weird barriers having an age gap places on your children. In my case I was extremely parentified but that’s not my nature. I will never have kids because of how much I hated not having a damn moment to be irresponsible or a kid when I’m kinda wild, impulsive, fun, and driven in nature. It sucks seeing your younger siblings get a mature version of your parents you never had tbh. The age gap will create a lot of strange things social whether or not those circumstances look like mine. Like in comparison you will frequently overestimate the age of and over impose social norms to your older children that you don’t your younger ones. Because your younger children are younger and need more care, this will carry into adulthood and you will help the younger siblings out beyond college or whatever life steps, but the older one will be cut loose and work really hard to compensate much sooner in life. Friends and family will rush to say hi to the younger children but will often forget about the older ones. Your older children will be pressured by people that are not you to “be a good example.” That’s a lot of pressure to hold as a child. Major landmarks in life will not be treated equally and that not anyone’s fault. Just kinda what happens when parents start feeling the real fear of empty nest syndrome and “their youngest” or “their baby” growing up. Most people want to give their kids the best they can. But this will not be distributed evenly because the things you denied the older children (karate, dance, music lessons) will probably be things you can offer the younger ones. And if your oldest is like 13, you’ll still (because capitalism and needing to earn a living wage doesn’t really give us much time to dedicate to each family member) probably offer those things to the younger and not the older minors who you believe have moved past that and developed other hobbies. It will be hard when they get older too. Your siblings should be your best friends for life. The perceptually broadened age gap will make the younger feel like the older doesn’t understand them. Even if you don’t parentify your older children, society will do it for you. That will be something you can’t help them overcome. In conclusion, the answer to your question is YES. But I’d never fault anyone for doing it and there are other things in life bigger than those things they will overcome, but you’re still putting them in a position to overcome it
@tristatervrepair I really appreciate your response and perspective, im sorry that it happened to you. A lot of what you mentioned is what I've been scared of, and some of it I haven't even considered until now. This decision for us is still undecided, but I truly appreciate your input.
@aog17 *** there is nothing wrong with age gaps between children. Don't worry about anyone else, you want more kids then so be it.
We have one life so do every damned thing possible that you want. Make the best of the time you have here and do not listen to anyone else who disagrees.
@aog17 We all look for support and validation at times , where we go for this stuff is anybody's guess. you are very welcome. Feel free to DM me if you ever need to bounce thoughts around.
@aog17 My sister is ten years younger than me and is my best friend. My wife is only two years younger than her sister but they’ve never been close. It’s going to depend on the kid at the end of the day.
@aog17 I don’t see how this is selfish at all! I came into my marriage with my 5yo son, and my husband and I had a daughter soon after. Fast forward 8yrs we just thought it wasn’t in the cards for more, so we went to his vasectomy consultation. Left there deciding to just have fertility tests done on us both before committing to the V. THREE DAYS LATER I found out I was pregnant. Very much to our shock lol
Our second daughter was born when I was 41. So our kids are currently 18, 11 and 3. Personally I prefer the large age gap, bc it gave me an opportunity to really be in each stage with them (I’ve been a SAHM by choice for 11yrs- I worked when it was just me and my son, but have co-parented with his dad his whole life) individually vs having multiple littles at one time (my mental health would not have survived that either). If your heart says you want another, i think you know the answer to your own question
@mike25 Thank you! I love this. What a perfect time to get pregnant lol! Do your kids get along fine, not bothered by the age difference? Im sure they wont have much in common until adulthood but hopefully they all get along fine under the same roof
@aog17 Well during the pandemic my oldest went to live with his dad bc his step sisters were closer in age and it was easier to do online school that way. He came back and we had a host of mental health issues that landed him inpatient & residential treatment. For the sake of the younger two, we made the decision it would be better for him to remain at his dads. Ironically I think this whole thing actually brought he and the older daughter very close- they FaceTime literally every day- and he comes down to stay with us when he can (he’s only an hour away). My two girls get along like any other siblings IMO- her friends all love having a toddler around so that’s fun but honestly yes, it’s great.
There’s a decent age gap between my sibs & I- my sister is 4yrs older than me, and my brother is 7yrs younger. As an adult the one thing I’ve noticed is that all of us siblings were raised by a different set of parents- and i mean that from the aspect that our parents were in different stages of their life when we were growing up (mainly in regards to our brother), so we definitely see that now as we’ve aged (but tbh there’s underlying family stuff that attributes to that now as adults lol
@aog17 Therapy! having a child is a major life changer, so before you do this, i would really explore why, and what changed for you. They aren't returnable you know, and regret is a hard thing to work into parenting.
@brightflame I appreciate this suggestion! I actually work for a counseling office. I've spent a little over a year working through reasoning and to make sure it wasn't just baby fever that would pass. I continue to be concerned that it's unfair to the child to have such a large age gap, though.
@aog17 if anything, it could be 'unfair' to you, you're past infants and kid stuff generally. I like the idea of really processing your experience here as well as your expectations.
you are very welcome. Feel free to DM me if you ever need to bounce thoughts around.
but honestly yes, it’s great.