@uselessnumberone I may try that! I didn’t even think to check my state bar website.
Am I selfish for not filing CS?
- Thread starter juelrei
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@juelrei So, in my state if the abandonment is for more than a year, you can file to terminate parental rights. And they will still be subject to child support!
Edit: I said a year, but there is no hard and fast rule. it is just supported by the case law, where I have seen it is generally about a year of abandonment where termination of parental rights is appropriate.
Edit: I said a year, but there is no hard and fast rule. it is just supported by the case law, where I have seen it is generally about a year of abandonment where termination of parental rights is appropriate.
@poporetto I believe it’s the same in my state. The difference is that bc he’s not on the birth certificate, he has 0 parental rights at the moment. If we got the paternity test through the Attorney General, and when it comes back positive, then he’ll have parental rights. So if I wanted him to sign them away, it’d be a bunch of legal hoops to jump through, primarily having someone else adopt her to take his place
owen007421
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@juelrei You don’t have to file for child support in order to involve someone in your child’s life. You can file for child support and not involve anyone in your child’s life the two aren’t connected. I receive child support and have full custody due to the bio dad not wanting children in the first place. Paternity test was done and child support was established. It’s all their decision whether you want your child to have a relationship or not.
@juelrei Family law attorney here. This is not legal advice as I am not retained by you. However, in similar circumstances 1. Do not file your Paternity petition until after you have been out of the state for 6 months so the UCCJEA applies. Otherwise, you will have to do your custody case in the state where she resided and it will keep you from moving once there is a filed petition, unless you have a move away request that is granted. Under the code, once you file a petition, you have automatic restraints on moving the child out of the state. If you file after your move you do not have to worry about it.
As far as support goes, it does very by state for whether the court would apply imputed income (AKA the Court does not care what he is making he has a responsibility to work, is able, and should make something based on his history even if it is minimum wage). There are some heavily used cases where husband/father's support obligation increased when he married someone who was essentially a sugar mama. However, here in my home state, they only impute income for the person who is to pay support. If he has zero custody, generally in our state that is 25% of his net income. Most jurisdictions with some exceptions, will impute income at minimum wage regardless if the payor is working or not. Even in our state, some counties are more flexible. Such as mine, they will impute your hourly wage at full time even if you work part time. but, an hour north they will only impute up to minimum wage if you are making less than then because of full time work.
Keep in mind once you file that petition you are now under the jurisdiction where you filed. They will have a say in your daughter's future. If he is only making minimum wage, then you might get $600.00 per month at best depending on his state's minimum wage. However, in my state there are mandatory add ons for child care, medical, dental, etc. So, it can be much more you would receive for care of your daughter. They also can order him to do job contacts**. But, you have time to decide. As the person knowing he is the father, he or you can assert parentage at any time.**
The Petition will prove parentage. However, you can generally go through the department of child support services and they will also conduct paternity testing and you can agree to use that for legal status of the parent.
Edit: Grammar/spelling.
As far as support goes, it does very by state for whether the court would apply imputed income (AKA the Court does not care what he is making he has a responsibility to work, is able, and should make something based on his history even if it is minimum wage). There are some heavily used cases where husband/father's support obligation increased when he married someone who was essentially a sugar mama. However, here in my home state, they only impute income for the person who is to pay support. If he has zero custody, generally in our state that is 25% of his net income. Most jurisdictions with some exceptions, will impute income at minimum wage regardless if the payor is working or not. Even in our state, some counties are more flexible. Such as mine, they will impute your hourly wage at full time even if you work part time. but, an hour north they will only impute up to minimum wage if you are making less than then because of full time work.
Keep in mind once you file that petition you are now under the jurisdiction where you filed. They will have a say in your daughter's future. If he is only making minimum wage, then you might get $600.00 per month at best depending on his state's minimum wage. However, in my state there are mandatory add ons for child care, medical, dental, etc. So, it can be much more you would receive for care of your daughter. They also can order him to do job contacts**. But, you have time to decide. As the person knowing he is the father, he or you can assert parentage at any time.**
The Petition will prove parentage. However, you can generally go through the department of child support services and they will also conduct paternity testing and you can agree to use that for legal status of the parent.
Edit: Grammar/spelling.
@juelrei If you don’t want him to be involved at all (which is understandable) then not filing for CS seems the best way forward. He is welcome to unblock you and contact you if he wants to be involved, so it’s not like you’re the one being obstructive. You are just letting his actions play out as he intends them to, you’re not blocking his rights- he’s just not exercising them. Trust your gut xx
@juelrei My child’s father is exactly like yours in terms of stability minus the moving part so I know exactly why you don’t want to open the door for him to be around her. Idk about the state you live in but where I am the father can object to the mother moving the child out of state even if they don’t share custody. You should look into that before deciding on anything. Also you need to consider your and your daughter’s mental health before you go force that man to acknowledge that y’all exist. For all you know he’s with one of those “let’s be a big happy blended family” types and custody battles can go from non existent to ugly af if a man has a woman like that in his ear.
@juelrei If it works don’t fix it. Your daughter will grow free from biological chains to evil people. You don’t know how he can harm her, even if you think he won’t physically harm her, there are emotional scars that are much worse, maybe you are saving your daughter from a lot of pain. Do you and stay in gratitude. You are doing the best you can. It’s difficult to come to terms with doing things that are not even happening in movies, are not in Aesop tales, don’t really come up in the Bible. The only example of a single mom that a knowledges God as her kid’s father. Period, and chills in life without ever ever going back is Mary. So, definitely just trust you got this and let the guy that blocked you, be good riddance. When he looks up for you and finds you, prepare your daughter to maybe meet a crazy dude that needs money, and prepare yourself for that conversation, maybe 10 years from now. Bless you
@juelrei Wooooo so, my daughter is now 7 and at around 1 yrs old, I opted for the CS route. Her father hadn't blocked me but, wouldn't hardly even talk to me during the pregnancy. Wouldn't help me pick out a name, nothing. When she was born I sent pictures and all the stats and jazz and he had one thing to day "I hate her name". So, yeah I figured out when she was about 3 months old that, it wasn't my responsibility to make sure they had a relationship. I removed him from all of my social media accounts. I was being petty and selfish but, also protective. He didn't get to see her pictures and watch her grow when he clearly wanted nothing to do with her. I didn't want her to turn 10 and him be like, "oh, wow, she does look exactly like me" and then want to disrupt our lives. We had known each other since HS. It wasn't a random fling or anything, he simply, didn't want to admit he had a kid. He to this day, has barely told anyone. They do spend time together 3-4 times a year and honeslty, I am glad to have him in her life solely for his GF & family. They're amazing and the more people to love her, the better. I of course met them all and we're all connected on FB. Anyways, back to the CS. Just know, in state at least, if no custody agreement is done at the same time, normally by lawyer or mediator, that he goes onto the Birth Certificate and 50/50 rights. I was appointment physical custody but, if he wanted he could have her for the weekend and then decided to not bring her back and I couldn't do anything about it without a lawyer. That wouldn't be considered kidnapping in my state. I lucked out so far. He lives 2 1/2 hrs away, has had a steady job for years and recently opened up his own business. If he had had a background like S, I absolutely never would have went after CS. Only reason I did was because, he insisted that he wouldn't help or be in her life without a paternity test. My state offers them for free but, they automatically go after CS (and health insurance if possible.) So, yeah, here we are
He gets her every other major holiday(we rotate each yr) and for 2-5 weeks in the summer and she's scared to death of him and I can't allow her to say no. He can tell the cops I'm withholding her from him and I WOULD get I to trouble. How F'd up is that
Anyways, if you don't absolutely need paternity or CS, don't do it. Save yourself and your babe from the drama and STRESS! Yes, I am grateful for her having so many people love her and care about her but, the internal stress I carry to appease them and the guilt I deal with when she sits and cries a put how her daddy will kill her for behaving the way she does ( we recently found out she is Neurodivergent, ADHD and waiting on an autism assessment) and that he's mean. I have to assure her that he's sarcastic and doesn't truly mean what he is saying, he just doesn't deal with her stimming and stuff that seems disruptive. So, then I'm dealing with the tension release when she gets home and feels safe. She calls me almost every night she's with him now that she old enough and ALWAYS seems to be having a good time but, she has nightmares for 2-3 days after getting back home and is all-around a mess. Anyways... it's a tough decision and it's a lifeling one. So, if for now, you're okay without his help in any way and it doesn't seem to be a thing of him wanting proof... let him be. Yours and your child's peace and happiness is MUCH more important. When your child gets older of course, they may ask, just keep a list of his name, birthday any family member names, addresses etc. now while the info is fresh in your mind, to be able to have, if your little one wants to find him later in life. Best of wishes momma. You've got this with or without him.
He gets her every other major holiday(we rotate each yr) and for 2-5 weeks in the summer and she's scared to death of him and I can't allow her to say no. He can tell the cops I'm withholding her from him and I WOULD get I to trouble. How F'd up is that
Anyways, if you don't absolutely need paternity or CS, don't do it. Save yourself and your babe from the drama and STRESS! Yes, I am grateful for her having so many people love her and care about her but, the internal stress I carry to appease them and the guilt I deal with when she sits and cries a put how her daddy will kill her for behaving the way she does ( we recently found out she is Neurodivergent, ADHD and waiting on an autism assessment) and that he's mean. I have to assure her that he's sarcastic and doesn't truly mean what he is saying, he just doesn't deal with her stimming and stuff that seems disruptive. So, then I'm dealing with the tension release when she gets home and feels safe. She calls me almost every night she's with him now that she old enough and ALWAYS seems to be having a good time but, she has nightmares for 2-3 days after getting back home and is all-around a mess. Anyways... it's a tough decision and it's a lifeling one. So, if for now, you're okay without his help in any way and it doesn't seem to be a thing of him wanting proof... let him be. Yours and your child's peace and happiness is MUCH more important. When your child gets older of course, they may ask, just keep a list of his name, birthday any family member names, addresses etc. now while the info is fresh in your mind, to be able to have, if your little one wants to find him later in life. Best of wishes momma. You've got this with or without him.@djlitton See I had dated S previously (casually but still), so he’s technically an ex, but ended up having a fling with him after we ended things. He has no problem acknowledging his first daughter (he got her mom pregnant while he and I were dating smh). I think it’s bc he doesn’t like me. I would call him out on his BS and wouldn’t give him money. He once got into my phone and sent himself $800 in rent money from my bank. I didn’t find out until I checked my bank statements a few days later. I threatened to take him to court, and he eventually sent back half of what he stole, but after that, we stopped being friends. I used to be good friends with his cousin and his other friends (who all warned me to stay away from him), but we fell off after I got pregnant. I didn’t put him on the birth certificate, but if I file for CS it gets me a guaranteed paternity test, puts him on the BC, and opens a CS/custody case in my state. I can’t imagine being away from my baby every other major holiday, that would honestly destroy me. She and I have such a good bond, and I do gentle/attachment parenting. I doubt he’d follow that, especially with a girlfriend around. I just hate that my daughter has both a dad and sister out there that she won’t know. I guess when she’s old enough she can seek them out on her own. I just grew up in a household with both parents, and while it was far from perfect, my dad was my best friend while growing up. It’s guilt more than anything else. I just wanna do right by her
@juelrei Girl, same. We hadnt been together since HS and I got preganant at 28. I 100% believe his abandoment was due to me, too. It took me a long time to realize, that's not a valid reason to abandon your child. HE'S being selfish. HE'S in the wrong and that's ALLLL on him. I don't even stress about it anymore. I don't talk bad about him around her and always try to nourish their relationship but, I never force it. That's not my place. My place is to raise the strongest, most amazing little girl I can.
Ah, yes, the guilt. Woooo! Yes! That mom guilt is absolutely not talked about enough. Don't feel guilty for loving her, protecting her and guiding her as you want. Don't let ANYONE make you feel messed up or upset for your parenting choices or what you feel is right. I let my family have WAY too much sway over how I was a mom, since I was single parent and allowed then to burn me out with their criticism. I developed horrible post pardum depression and absolutely lost my mind.
That being said, 1000%, if you're financially okay, don't get him envolved. Don't force it. Don't provide him the opportunity to let her down or make her feel hurt. I also gentle parent and her father 100% does not. It's hard. Beyond hard. We don't see eye to eye. We always struggle with the major decisions like vaccines and stuff. If you can save up the money for a lawyer (on that note I would advise alllll communications you still have between you two, be printed off and in a notebook, hard copies of everrrrrything) and after she's 2 or 3 and he's had no contact, talk about making sure he only gets visitations, supervised for the first few months if possible and get the CS. It's his choice to neglect her. It's your choice and right to make sure he's not lurking, constantly in the background, haunting you and your sanity and security.
Also, if you never have him on the BC, when/if you get married and your partner wants to adopt, it'll be sooooooooooooo much easier. It might be worth even simply talking to a lawyer if you should just go after paternity to have him sign his rights over. Granted, unless he goes after custody or paternity on his own, legally he'll never have rights since he's not on the BC. Sadly, men(and women) have been known to show up once the child(ren) are of an age they can take care of themselves, when they no longer need supervision and want a relationship with them. Or maybe his current SO will leave him and he will decide he wants to not be lonely and get to know your babe. Too many variables could trigger his conscience.
So, if you don't want CS, I'd SERIOUSLY advise to talk to a lawyer and see what it would take to make sure he's never going to have parental rights. Allow that to be up to you and you only, if in 10 years he's got his act together, stable and wants to make up for his lack of contact. My guess is, he'll never pursue any contact the way he's behaving but, better to be safe than sorry.
Chaos will always surround you, don't allow the chaos to infect you. Get your ducks in a row. Obtain all knowledge you can, prepare yourself and get to a place of peace. Having this always weighing on you is absolutely soul crushing. If for no other reason, prepare for, you. You can't be there for her or take care of her, if you're not in a good place mentally/emotionally. Make yourself confident! Make yourself so sure of the options and risks that you TRUST your mommy choices thus, allowing that mom guilt to melt away too.
None of us truly know what we're doing as parents. We learn, adapt and grow. We're out here breaking generational curses, S seems to not realize they exist or he would never be able to ignore her like he is. Save her from that confusion. She might be mad when she 12-17 but, keeping communication open will help immensely. Always answer the questions she has about S, with appropriate responses for age of course. Make sure her emotional foundation is so unshakable that, if he let's her down in the future, she doesn't take it personally. That's all on him but, the child is the one who holds that pain. (If you opt to not see about getting his rights terminated or he shows up in 5-10 years looking to get to know her)
Okay, I'm stepping off my soap box
if you want to talk more feel free to reply or dm me. 
Ah, yes, the guilt. Woooo! Yes! That mom guilt is absolutely not talked about enough. Don't feel guilty for loving her, protecting her and guiding her as you want. Don't let ANYONE make you feel messed up or upset for your parenting choices or what you feel is right. I let my family have WAY too much sway over how I was a mom, since I was single parent and allowed then to burn me out with their criticism. I developed horrible post pardum depression and absolutely lost my mind.
That being said, 1000%, if you're financially okay, don't get him envolved. Don't force it. Don't provide him the opportunity to let her down or make her feel hurt. I also gentle parent and her father 100% does not. It's hard. Beyond hard. We don't see eye to eye. We always struggle with the major decisions like vaccines and stuff. If you can save up the money for a lawyer (on that note I would advise alllll communications you still have between you two, be printed off and in a notebook, hard copies of everrrrrything) and after she's 2 or 3 and he's had no contact, talk about making sure he only gets visitations, supervised for the first few months if possible and get the CS. It's his choice to neglect her. It's your choice and right to make sure he's not lurking, constantly in the background, haunting you and your sanity and security.
Also, if you never have him on the BC, when/if you get married and your partner wants to adopt, it'll be sooooooooooooo much easier. It might be worth even simply talking to a lawyer if you should just go after paternity to have him sign his rights over. Granted, unless he goes after custody or paternity on his own, legally he'll never have rights since he's not on the BC. Sadly, men(and women) have been known to show up once the child(ren) are of an age they can take care of themselves, when they no longer need supervision and want a relationship with them. Or maybe his current SO will leave him and he will decide he wants to not be lonely and get to know your babe. Too many variables could trigger his conscience.
So, if you don't want CS, I'd SERIOUSLY advise to talk to a lawyer and see what it would take to make sure he's never going to have parental rights. Allow that to be up to you and you only, if in 10 years he's got his act together, stable and wants to make up for his lack of contact. My guess is, he'll never pursue any contact the way he's behaving but, better to be safe than sorry.
Chaos will always surround you, don't allow the chaos to infect you. Get your ducks in a row. Obtain all knowledge you can, prepare yourself and get to a place of peace. Having this always weighing on you is absolutely soul crushing. If for no other reason, prepare for, you. You can't be there for her or take care of her, if you're not in a good place mentally/emotionally. Make yourself confident! Make yourself so sure of the options and risks that you TRUST your mommy choices thus, allowing that mom guilt to melt away too.
None of us truly know what we're doing as parents. We learn, adapt and grow. We're out here breaking generational curses, S seems to not realize they exist or he would never be able to ignore her like he is. Save her from that confusion. She might be mad when she 12-17 but, keeping communication open will help immensely. Always answer the questions she has about S, with appropriate responses for age of course. Make sure her emotional foundation is so unshakable that, if he let's her down in the future, she doesn't take it personally. That's all on him but, the child is the one who holds that pain. (If you opt to not see about getting his rights terminated or he shows up in 5-10 years looking to get to know her)
Okay, I'm stepping off my soap box
if you want to talk more feel free to reply or dm me. themaccauk11
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adilmalick
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@adilmalick So I researched labs in my area that did paternity tests. My partner at the time, C, offered to pay for it if I put the down payment on it. We did the NIPT, which is non-invasive. It was a total of $1385. I put $300 down for the deposit, and on the day of our test, he paid the rest. (This is not the norm, I believe most labs require full payment up front). They drew blood from my arm, and did a buccal swab (cheek swab) from him. The NP handled the rest and sent it into the lab. The lab told us you had to be at least 8 weeks pregnant and it had to be a singleton pregnancy, meaning you can’t be pregnant with twins, otherwise the test won’t work accurately. We were told it was 99.9% accurate. We rushed the order which cost us some, but I can’t remember how much tbh. The NP called me with the results about 10 business days later? And then emailed us the test showing likelihood of paternity. It is technically a painless process, besides light bruising from getting your blood drawn.
@ksfaith …wow. That’s what you got out of this?
You also clearly didn’t read my post or this comment. He /offered/. He was aware of the situation. He told me to save my money for my child, regardless if it was his or not. He did not “bear the financial burden”; we were casually dating, and C knew about S. He also did not and would not take my money when I tried to pay him back.
I understand you apparently hate women for whatever reason, but that’s no reason to express it everywhere. Opinions are like assholes: everyone has one, no one wants to see yours. Get some therapy.
You also clearly didn’t read my post or this comment. He /offered/. He was aware of the situation. He told me to save my money for my child, regardless if it was his or not. He did not “bear the financial burden”; we were casually dating, and C knew about S. He also did not and would not take my money when I tried to pay him back.
I understand you apparently hate women for whatever reason, but that’s no reason to express it everywhere. Opinions are like assholes: everyone has one, no one wants to see yours. Get some therapy.