Is it selfish to have kids with large age gaps, 10+ years?

[ericlarrybob1]

@aog17 I am 27 so I don't think so. but i also have 6 siblings and im the youngest while he's the oldest so that could be a part of it

 

[leaps]

@aog17 I am 10 and 11 years younger than my brother and sister. There were/are a lot of issues with the family dynamic somewhat because of that. The biggest issue has been that they try to act more in a parental way in our relationship rather than as siblings. I'm in my mid 30s and it's getting better recently, but it's still an issue and has caused a lot of strain in the relationship.

My wife and I had our daughter 12 years after her first child who's been living with us since he was 5 (bio dad isn't in the picture at all). There's been some struggles. It was hard for our oldest to get used to all the change and the loss of attention from having a newborn. He's gotten used to it now (our daughter is 2 now) and it's been great. They absolutely adore each other and it's super cute when she want a "brother nap" and they're both passed out cuddling on the couch. The other part of why it's great is that hes learning a lot and building skills helping with her. All the tough times of being a new parent, he's been there for, and we've made sure to include him and teach him along the way. He's going to be an absolutely phenomenal dad when that part of his life comes around.

I'm sure you've been told a lot, but having kids when you're older is so, so much harder. You don't have the energy and the ability to go without sleep for so long that you did when you're younger. You get set in your ways and get used to the kids being able to be okay on their own. It was really hard for us to get used to all the newborn complications again (no free time, no alone time w/o a sitter, messes everywhere, baby proofing, etc).

 

[aog17]

@leaps I love that he's included in everything, and it worked out to where he's happy to have a sibling! I bet he will be a great father and hopefully not too much of a parent towards her when they're both adults. It also seems to be more common to have large age gaps, more so when there's kids from previous relationships.

I am a little bit nervous about starting over. We have already gone through teen years, so going back to newborn phase almost feels like I haven't ever done it before. I also hate that I feel so old at 32, because it doesn't seem old, haha! Im glad it worked out for your family. No matter how exhausting, it was absolutely worth it!

 

[leaps]

@aog17 Lol, a baby made that "getting old" feeling hit so hard. Resetting the clock so to speak was a tough one for us. We had started to think about our lives and plans for when our son was out of the house. Putting those off, or at least changing how we went about that was pretty difficult at times. Going back to not having time to ourselves, not sleeping alone (we co-slept and it's still pretty often that she sleeps with us), and having a lot of things like eating out off the table for a while was really hard for us and our relationship.

We had gotten into the groove of our lives and having a baby turned that upside down. I think we were a little naive to how different it was from our son growing up and thought we would just handle it the same as we did before. It's really important to be aware of the differences between having a baby now vs your older kids and make sure that you don't let those new issues get ignored. I wish we had done better with that, it has caused quite a few issues for us in our relationship.

 

[seele]

@aog17 My husband's brother and his wife have 3 daughters. The oldest are twins and they were almost 10 when the youngest was born. They are all young adults now and very, very close.

 

[katrina2017]

@aog17 NAP but my sister is 34, brother is 28, other brother is 27, and im 22. Brothers are 11 months apart, sister is 6/7 years older than brothers, brothers are 5/6 years older than me, and sister is 12 years older than me. Being the youngest I always felt left out of the loop, treated less caringly, unwanted, no patience given, and overall pretty alone. You should have another baby if you want one, just make sure you REALLY want them and treat them with care, respect, patience, and keep them in the know. Dont treat them like they cant know anything thats going on because theyre young. Make sure they have friends (of parents you trust of course) and even maybe cousins around their age that they can see often. I respect your hesitance; it can 100% be fair if they’re treated fairly.

 

[aog17]

@katrina2017 Thank you for this! This is exactly my fear, and I hope if we have a baby, I dont do this to them. Im so sorry it happened to you, I bet that was incredibly isolating. Truthfully, I was so young and overwhelmed before that I might treat a new baby better just because im more mature. At least more patient and more attentive. Which also causes guilt, for my older girls!

 

[katrina2017]

@aog17 Its okay omg dont be sorry - just figured id share this to maybe help the possible future baby not go through it. It definitely helped me be okay with being alone, which im grateful for. At the end of the day, i dont blame my parents. Im sure your girls, at their age, have the level of intelligence to understand why youd be more patient raising a child when you’re older rather than younger. Put yourself and your needs first - just make sure to incorporate every child in their own way and like i said, have friends allowed over for the youngest so they dont feel lonely. You sound emotionally intelligent/aware, im sure itd be just fine!

 

[yellowflowers]

@aog17 Me and my brother are 6 years apart, although not by choice on my parents part. It was difficult to find things in common at first, but now we’re 23 and 17 and have alot of common interests. We can hang out and not have moments of awkward silence. I plan on waiting until my son is 6 to have more children as well (thank god for the nexplanon lasting 3 years at a time Lol). It worked well for me and my brother so my plan is to give my son the same experience.

 

[aog17]

@yellowflowers That is awesome! My sister and I have the same age gap. I think its nice you can focus on each kid while they're young, and not have as much sibling rivalries hopefully haha

 

[twware50]

@aog17 I am over 10 years apart from my half-siblings. As long as older kids don't becoming live-in nannies all should be just fine. But don't be afraid to ask your kids how they would feel if there was a new baby.

 

[aog17]

@twware50 Do you and your siblings get along as adults?

 

[twware50]

@aog17 Yes, but I have closer relationships with my sisters than my brothers. My brothers are closer to each other as well.

 

[jhatfield2]

@aog17 I'm the only child of my parents' first marriage, and I have one brother 11 years younger than me on my mom's side, and my siblings on my father's side are 19, 22, and 24 years younger than me. My relationship with them is different, more of a nice/nephew dynamic than a sibling one, but I love them the same, and I'm sure that's also partially influenced by me not living with them or seeing them daily.

I don't think it'd be selfish of you, especially since you seem to have really thought out the logistics of finances, maturity, and your/your husband's energy levels as you get older.

 

[aog17]

@jhatfield2 Wow thats a very similar age gap and situation as mine. Im happy to hear you love them all the same anyways! I was worried if my oldest girls start having kids thatd be closer in age to my youngest, theyd be bothered by that a lot. Its hard to ask them now as teenagers they dont think theyll ever have kids

 

[jhatfield2]

@aog17 Haha, my youngest brother was actually born just a few weeks before my son was! They don't share a lot of interests (my son is a video game nerd, and my brother is very sporty/outdoorsy) but they get along like cousins. It was a little bit strange going through pregnancy at the same time as my stepmom, but only a little.

 

[aog17]

@jhatfield2 That does seem very strange, lol! Hopefully my girls give me a few years before they start having babies

 

[mjohnsona2]

@aog17 Please don’t have an age gap 5+ years. I am an older sibling of a 12 year age gap and it is hell. I am replaced by my toddler sister and my parents pay zero attention to me. This is the worst period of my life ever ESPECIALLY when I need my family the most. I am left out and I hate it.

 

[mjohnsona2]

You are definitely selfish if you will continue with the huge age gaps

 

[aog17]

@mjohnsona2 I am so sorry to hear this..