I'm making my daughter fast until 5pm

[judyc]

Hi everyone!
So my 10yr old daughter is usually very kind and loves helping other kids out when she can, she will go as far as to skip recess if it means helping a fellow classmate finish homework.
Last night during dinner, she was cackling, just laughing and laughing remembering something that happened at school. When I asked her to tell me my heart sank. She told me her friend 'N' was making of her other friend 'H'. Friend 'H' is muslim and currently fasting, friend 'N' was eating chips and a chocolate bar infront of her while laughing and making fun, while my daughter was laughing and laughing. I immediately stopped her and asked if they were saying anything mean, she said no. I asked her if friend "H" was laughing, she said no.

My next course of action was to tell her that even though she wasnt directly making fun, she didnt do anything to stop friend "N' and she kept laughing. So, I told her she was going to fast the next day (today) so that she can see how hard it is and that next time she should do something to stop these micro-aressions, especially if its a friend involved.

I am by no means an authoritative mom, we make fun and act silly all the time, but I do believe there is a line and there are certain things that shouldnt be done. I didnt yell at her, I explained as much as I could I am keeping my word though and dont want to say "forget it"

Am I being too drastic? Will this traumatize her? I'm worried I didnt handle this like I should have.

Edit: I do want to clarify that I was only making her fast today, not for what is left of Ramadan. Thank you everybody for your comments and taking the time to agree, disagree or just leaving an opinion!!

Edit 2: Again, it was an 8 hour fast, I let her have water, and will not last for whats left of Ramadan. Part of this LEARNING EXPERIENCE was to teach her empathy and understanding to other cultures and a persons feelings. Could I have done it another way, Yes. Was it abusive? No.

Edit 3: Thank you again everybody for the opinions, I took something positive from each and everyone of them, even the one calling me an appalling parent. Last night over dinner, while she ended her fast, she shared her feelings with me and we definitely talked about her friends. This whole experience sprouted entirely new conversations between us, which was really nice.
I want to explain one last time that I would never take away a meal as punishment, if she yelled at me or didnt clean her room. I would never use this method as a punishment, in that sense, I do agree that it is abusive.

 

[previouslyseeking]

@judyc See to me, your child knew what was being done to the other girl was mean. Kids know well by ten about tone of voice and facial feature.

I would stick with the Ramadan paper, but explain to her in a way that matters. Ifs shes allergic to something and someone was making fun of her, or that she say she couldn't do something in school and so others were laughing at her how would that make her feel?

Emphasize that if she or someone else didn't find it funny then the joking/teasing needs to stop no matter what.

 

[judyc]

@previouslyseeking This is something we definitely talked about thoroughly yesterday!

 

[icemasterpt]

@judyc I think it would be important to explain to her why some people fast. Religion, by choice, etc. usually fasting is for a purpose. I don’t necessarily think forcing her to do that is really a punishment. I think instead she should have to learn about it, and obviously apologize to the other girl.

 

[judyc]

@icemasterpt Yes! I 100% agree. I actually asked her to research Ramadan and write me a little paper.

 

[katherine1955]

@judyc Personally I think what you did was pretty awesome.

 

[wendowen]

@judyc Honestly? I think, from what I gathered between your posts and comments, that you are handling this the absolute best way possible. You’re not only opening her eyes to other religions and practices, but emphasizing empathy. I think keeping the focus on that, as opposed to yelling or some other discipline, is going to make such a huge difference for her. Good on you!!

 

[jennipher]

@judyc I think it’s a good idea but during that time I think she should also do some research on why some religions fast so she has a better understanding and it turns into a learning experience rather than a punishment

 

[judyc]

@jennipher Yea! I am making her write me a small paper about this

 

[koyanna]

@judyc Gonna go against the grain here a little and suggest that this might not be a cultural differences issue.

While education and understanding of religious traditions is important, I don’t think educating her is the issue here.

I think this situation showed more of a lack of empathy, or compassion, rather than lack of cultural awareness. Kids know what it feels like to be hungry. These girls understood their classmate was hungry and actively mocked her for it. Rather than showing understanding. So I think there is a deeper issue here...

 

[judyc]

@koyanna I agree with you. Sometimes when youre a parent you are blind to your child's weaknesses. For example, I was 100% sure my daughter would never laugh at someone (to make them feel bad.) Obviously I was wrong, so it definitely was something we talked about and I will continue to watch as much as I can.

 

[john3344k]

@judyc Right on. I just hope you also explained the part about respecting everyone’s religion and culture too. Is there a Muslim family or mosque that can help educate your daughter about Ramadan and eid?

 

[judyc]

@john3344k Yes I did! She goes to a school where there are so many different cultures from all over the world, and we are extremely open minded about this at home. I actually have a muslim friend coming over tonight to help me out, as I know a little but not enough as my friend does.

 

[changemejesus]

@judyc Plenty of Muslim kids fast at age 10. They likely don't have to (from a religious standpoint) at that age, but are eager to participate in the rituals that their families are engaging in. We don't let ours, at most we let him fast for a small portion of the day just to negate FOMO. That "small portion" is usually just the time between regularly scheduled meals .

To make it seem less like punishment and more like learning to empathize, you might consider fasting with her. From a non-spiritual standpoint, it's a great exercise in restraint (no coffee before work, no water on a hot day, etc) and self discipline. Most importantly, you walk away with an appreciation for the privileges we take for granted.

 

[judyc]

@changemejesus Yes! I fasted with her today! I think people are thinking Im punishing her and taking this in a negative way but I honestly just want to use this as a learning experience.

 

[changemejesus]

@judyc There are always critics, I think you're doing something beautiful for your kiddo. You're an awesome mom, keep doing you!

 

[ohme90]

@changemejesus Not just Muslims, I'd venture. I can't have been the only kid who was made to fast for Good Friday and Ash Wednesday growing up.

Not every parent has a deep understanding of the specific rules and interpretations of a tradition. Apparently Catholics don't have to fast until age 18, but my mom either did not know that or did not honor it. I was fasting before then.

I don't think it scarred me. It was a couple days a year. Not a big deal. And I do think there was an increased appreciation afterwards for the things we have in life.

 

[salekdarling]

@judyc Given that the actual reason Muslims fast during Ramadan is to gain empathy for those who are poor and starving, I think it’s actually a great way to teach her to have empathy for her friend.

I would suggest you pose it more like a suggestion/challenge to her so she’ll have more control over the situation.

 

[untilnow]

@judyc I don't disagree with your method. I'm not sure I would have reacted the same but I see where you are coming from and I hope she will learn something worthwhile.

I think I'm jaded because I live in the Middle East under Sharia law, so my initial reaction to Americans falling all over themselves to be accepting and nice about a religion they don't understand is to roll my eyes. I think I'm just a terrible person. We're going on day 28 of not eating or drinking in public and it's 100 degrees out so I'm pretty fucking bitter lol.

I also work in a classroom with 10 year olds. The majority of the Muslim kids are fasting regularly at this age (although some take days off or don't go all the way from suhoor to iftar) and by this time in the month, fasting isn't terribly hard for them. Your body adjusts after the first few days, according to the kids.

So you falling all over yourself, horrified at the suffering your daughter caused, I think is a little dramatic. I think it's great you want to alleviate her of her ignorance (because she was being a dick to that kid) but to act like it's this huuuuuuuuuge suffering thing that your kid was making fun of is a bit extra.

You wanna know why Muslims fast? To prove that they can be sustained on God alone. It's an act of pure submission to Allah, a physical representation of your faith--that your faith alone sustains you. I personally think that's pretty fucking brainwashy. Lots of Muslims will tell you things like 'it's supposed to remind us of the experience of the poor', and this is a cultural myth. Fasting is about complete submission and reliance on god. Your daughter doesn't need to write a paper now.

Did I tell you it's 100 degrees and I can't drink in my car? I'm feeling really grouchy and resentful of Ramadan at this point.

 

[judyc]

@untilnow Thank you so much!! This was extremely insightful and helpful especially from your point of view. Im sorry for what your going through. I understand that the whole thing is a little brainwashy, be that as it may, I still want her to put her self in little girls place and think twice next time she sees someone getting made fun of and not doing anything about it. Thank you again!!

PS. I'm making her dinner right now!