melindapurcell
New member
@sophie0813 Ok, I'm glad what I wrote is helpful. And for sure, knowing the root cause is important but it doesn't excuse the shitty behavior. I hope ya'll can work it out and he can be a better dad and husband.
I wish my husband hated his job so he would like us more
- Thread starter sophie0813
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- rant stay-at-home parents
@sophie0813 My husband like his job. He still loves spending time with us as a family. Your husband is just an asshole.
@sophie0813 He sounds like a fucking miserable asshole. I’d be outta there
tzephanyahu
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@ggirl1986 Yeah that seems like a red flag tbh..
sophie0813
New member
@tzephanyahu I’d blame half on me being too non-confrontational
easternorthodox
New member
@sophie0813 I think I’m jealous of his job lol. My partner loves our kids and is pretty present with them when he is here but I’m insanely jealous that he gets to do what he loves all day. I mean I love staying home with my kids (mostly lol) but I do miss having a job and especially a job I loved. Sometimes I feel like we are second to his job because he is just so successful there and he is so good at it.
He comes home and tells me about all these cars he got to drive, the custom exhaust he made himself and videos of how it sounds, the customer who refused to let anyone but him touch their car and waited over an hour for him. I remember when customers used to request me lol. Now my kids request me because I make their lunch the right way or I know what pants they hate wearing. All I can offer to the conversation is how much the baby fell over today
, the arguments the older boys got into and the 2 chores I finally managed to do. Maybe it’s a really exciting day and I hit a new goal on my farm game I play 
Anyway, sorry I didn’t mean to make it all about me lol. You aren’t alone though. I wish I had advice
He comes home and tells me about all these cars he got to drive, the custom exhaust he made himself and videos of how it sounds, the customer who refused to let anyone but him touch their car and waited over an hour for him. I remember when customers used to request me lol. Now my kids request me because I make their lunch the right way or I know what pants they hate wearing. All I can offer to the conversation is how much the baby fell over today
, the arguments the older boys got into and the 2 chores I finally managed to do. Maybe it’s a really exciting day and I hit a new goal on my farm game I play Anyway, sorry I didn’t mean to make it all about me lol. You aren’t alone though. I wish I had advice
katrina2017
New member
@sophie0813 He can love his job and his kids. It’s not either or.
My father was like your husband, I am not close with him at all now
I’m sorry that you are going through this. As a SAHP I would be heartbroken and TIRED if my s/o didn’t pitch in or love our kids or want to do stuff with us. I hope that you can talk to your husband and figure out something that works for you.
It’s not up to you to prevent him from getting mad or upset. He is an adult that should be able to handle hearing that his wife is burnt out and needs time alone. He should be able to handle being around his kids. You shouldn’t have to be a buffer between him and his children. Tell him you need a day to yourself—or whatever you want. Do one thing at a time so he’s doesn’t invalidate your feelings as “pms” or a “hissy fit” etc. Just come to him with one thing-I want to go to the zoo with the family. I want a day to myself. And after you do it tell him the next thing. OR sit him down and tell him to start parenting, that if he is going to father children he needs to be a dad etc, but reading your post it sounds like he might not respond well to blunt conversation?
Good luck. I hope you get this figured out, for you and the kids sake.
My father was like your husband, I am not close with him at all now
I’m sorry that you are going through this. As a SAHP I would be heartbroken and TIRED if my s/o didn’t pitch in or love our kids or want to do stuff with us. I hope that you can talk to your husband and figure out something that works for you. It’s not up to you to prevent him from getting mad or upset. He is an adult that should be able to handle hearing that his wife is burnt out and needs time alone. He should be able to handle being around his kids. You shouldn’t have to be a buffer between him and his children. Tell him you need a day to yourself—or whatever you want. Do one thing at a time so he’s doesn’t invalidate your feelings as “pms” or a “hissy fit” etc. Just come to him with one thing-I want to go to the zoo with the family. I want a day to myself. And after you do it tell him the next thing. OR sit him down and tell him to start parenting, that if he is going to father children he needs to be a dad etc, but reading your post it sounds like he might not respond well to blunt conversation?
Good luck. I hope you get this figured out, for you and the kids sake.
@sophie0813 I think its easy for anyone, especially men though, to get caught up in work. Work is predictable, uses standard language, and provides immediate gratification. Think about that, compared to being with young children...little kids are random and moody and require constant attention, whereas as work you can say "I'm going to work on this for an hour" and then go do that. When you make your kids lunch, they complain, ask to have their hands wiped, then run off to play leaving the table a mess. When you finish a work project, your boss says "Great thanks!" and then you can turn to the next thing. With your kids, you are basically doing whatever you can with the hope that in 25 years when they have their own kids they are good people, at your job you get a paycheck every 2 weeks.
The other piece, and this may be a cultural or family thing, is that when a couple decides one partner will be a stay at home and the other will work, and especially when it is a man going to work, there may be some expectation that he is the breadwinner, you raise the kids/run the household, and may the two lines never cross. This may be furthered by his own experiences - if his mother was a stay at home, his memories of what she did aren't from when he was 3, they are from when he was a teenager. If all your kids were teenagers, yes, you would probably spend more time managing the house and less with kids attached to you.
So... that's my "why does it seem like my husband is desperate to get back to his job" perspective, but what to do about it? My take is that he needs to be forced to engage. I feel like I didn't really 'bond' with my kids until I was forced to be a stay at home parent. Yeah, the first day or so sucked, but once I realized I was in it, I started developing ways to solve it (I mean, its exactly what you've done, right?). Once I got comfortable with things like going outside with the kids, I realized its not so bad and can be really fun. Now, when my wife has to work on the weekends, I just pack my kids up and go somewhere.
I also personally don't really enjoy taking my kids to the zoo right now - they are too young and its waaaayyyyyy to stressful - but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of other things that are tons of fun. I really like going for walks in the woods - its easy, the kids seem to have fun, and they seem pretty tired when we get home.
I'm a big fan of the sink or swim approach, but if you think that is just going to be a disaster, what about trying something with one of the kids? I wonder if giving your husband the 4 year old for a couple hours on the weekend would be a way for him to get some more time and also give you at least one less to be responsible for. Or, alternatively, you go somewhere with the 4 year old and leave the other two with him.
The other piece, and this may be a cultural or family thing, is that when a couple decides one partner will be a stay at home and the other will work, and especially when it is a man going to work, there may be some expectation that he is the breadwinner, you raise the kids/run the household, and may the two lines never cross. This may be furthered by his own experiences - if his mother was a stay at home, his memories of what she did aren't from when he was 3, they are from when he was a teenager. If all your kids were teenagers, yes, you would probably spend more time managing the house and less with kids attached to you.
So... that's my "why does it seem like my husband is desperate to get back to his job" perspective, but what to do about it? My take is that he needs to be forced to engage. I feel like I didn't really 'bond' with my kids until I was forced to be a stay at home parent. Yeah, the first day or so sucked, but once I realized I was in it, I started developing ways to solve it (I mean, its exactly what you've done, right?). Once I got comfortable with things like going outside with the kids, I realized its not so bad and can be really fun. Now, when my wife has to work on the weekends, I just pack my kids up and go somewhere.
I also personally don't really enjoy taking my kids to the zoo right now - they are too young and its waaaayyyyyy to stressful - but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of other things that are tons of fun. I really like going for walks in the woods - its easy, the kids seem to have fun, and they seem pretty tired when we get home.
I'm a big fan of the sink or swim approach, but if you think that is just going to be a disaster, what about trying something with one of the kids? I wonder if giving your husband the 4 year old for a couple hours on the weekend would be a way for him to get some more time and also give you at least one less to be responsible for. Or, alternatively, you go somewhere with the 4 year old and leave the other two with him.
gabriellagarcia
New member
@sophie0813 I’m so sorry. I’m kind of in the same boat in some ways. On the days my husband hates his job he’s a miserable asshole and the most random thing can set him off. He kind of puts my life in a fantasy dream mode as if my life at home is fun, easy, and playing all day while he slaves away making money. I hate not knowing who I’m going to have walk through the door. I guess I sometimes have good days though. 
Hopefully it gets better for us both.
Hopefully it gets better for us both.
@sophie0813 You're husband sounds like mine. I'm ready for a divorce. Seeing how badly he handles his children has caused me to fall out of love with him. The only thing that is stopping me is the uncertainty of finding a job and being financially insecure again and his threats of going for full custody if I ever filed for divorce even though the kids don't like him and visa versa (3 and 1).
brendaischristfollower
New member
@chuckc249
First off, that goes under verbal/emotional abuse.
Mine did this too, said he'd get them because the house was messy. Our marriage counselor had to explain that he lived in the same house so he was also responsible for the mess.
He can't evict you from whatever housing ya'll have, and if you're not abusive you'd get at least joint custody. Maybe more since the kids don't like him, but I don't think they weigh the kids opinions that young. No way he'd get full custody just because your labor is unpaid.
Financially it will wreck both of you. You might qualify for spousal support depending on how long you've been staying home. But the legal process is something like 10k and now ya'll have got double housing expenses and childcare coming from those incomes. Or you have full custody and he pays child support. If there's any chance marriage counseling or individual therapy (for him) will work, it's cheaper than than either of those. Insurance may or may not cover it. But you'll have a dad for the kids.
You might check indeed to see what you'd be qualified for, and set aside time to get any qualifications. Medical receptionists pay well in ny area.
First off, that goes under verbal/emotional abuse.
Mine did this too, said he'd get them because the house was messy. Our marriage counselor had to explain that he lived in the same house so he was also responsible for the mess.
He can't evict you from whatever housing ya'll have, and if you're not abusive you'd get at least joint custody. Maybe more since the kids don't like him, but I don't think they weigh the kids opinions that young. No way he'd get full custody just because your labor is unpaid.
Financially it will wreck both of you. You might qualify for spousal support depending on how long you've been staying home. But the legal process is something like 10k and now ya'll have got double housing expenses and childcare coming from those incomes. Or you have full custody and he pays child support. If there's any chance marriage counseling or individual therapy (for him) will work, it's cheaper than than either of those. Insurance may or may not cover it. But you'll have a dad for the kids.
You might check indeed to see what you'd be qualified for, and set aside time to get any qualifications. Medical receptionists pay well in ny area.
@sophie0813 I would be so hurt and confused. I'm assuming he wanted at least one kid as I don't think three kids that young were all unplanned. I'd have to ask him why he acts like he doesn't like his children when he wanted them.
shaninator
New member
@sophie0813 Seek counseling. Research codependency and workaholism.
@sophie0813 Is it possible he feels successful at work and less successful in his role as a parent? You commented that he got promoted so I'm guessing things are ay least okay job wise. We tend to like the things we are good at and I can see how that would turn into a feedback loop.
@sophie0813 When my husband displays irrational anger I tell him I love him but I will have to stay with my mom to protect my son from that sort of behavior. For me, this often ends in him realizing his faults and then he begins to exercise self control. People will give you what you tolerate.
@sophie0813 Your husband works 6 days a week? If so I'd take that one day and use it as a break to escape out of the house away from the kids. My husband works till 6 during the week but is home on weekends. He definitely doesn't plan fun things for us to do. That's me but he tags along. Your kids are small. A trip to the zoo at those ages wouldn't have been fun for me either. Try discussing fun things he might like to do. At those ages we'd put the baby in a carrier and do small hikes and picnics, try out new playgrounds, swimming etc. Small activities might be more his thing vs big vacations and big adventures which sounds like a lot of work with small kids.
sophie0813
New member
@esta25 No, sorry was unclear. He has S/S off he’s just over it by Sunday.
He doesn’t want to do any activities, small or large. I gave bad examples. Park is a no, hike is a no, out to eat is a no. I could plan them and he would complain or begrudgingly go along, but honestly at that point I’d rather just do it alone.
He doesn’t want to do any activities, small or large. I gave bad examples. Park is a no, hike is a no, out to eat is a no. I could plan them and he would complain or begrudgingly go along, but honestly at that point I’d rather just do it alone.
katrina2017
New member
@sophie0813 We moved for my husband's dream job and he threw himself into it gleefully. I almost drowned.
My come to Jesus with my husband involved me sobbing while mopping the floor one night and yellcrying while he watched in horror (he definitely had never seen me like that) that we were his family, not toys he could put in a box and ignore when he was bored with us. And he needed to be 100% in or 100% out. Because anything in between was going to hurt me more and give our daughters a complex about chasing male affection.
I also told him he needed to book us marriage counseling or I'd book an appointment with a lawyer.
It wasn't the most....adult way to handle the conversation. But it was effective. He loves me, he loves us and he just was so wrapped up in work he didn't realize that he was neglecting us. We did some marriage counselling. He is in therapy. He set some better boundaries at work. In the end, I also went back to work because I was anticipating our marriage failing. Tbh though, it forced him to be a more equitable parent (I am better and boundaries than he is-that includes workplace and division of labour) and we are in a better place. And now, if I want to bounce, I totally can. We are good though.
My come to Jesus with my husband involved me sobbing while mopping the floor one night and yellcrying while he watched in horror (he definitely had never seen me like that) that we were his family, not toys he could put in a box and ignore when he was bored with us. And he needed to be 100% in or 100% out. Because anything in between was going to hurt me more and give our daughters a complex about chasing male affection.
I also told him he needed to book us marriage counseling or I'd book an appointment with a lawyer.
It wasn't the most....adult way to handle the conversation. But it was effective. He loves me, he loves us and he just was so wrapped up in work he didn't realize that he was neglecting us. We did some marriage counselling. He is in therapy. He set some better boundaries at work. In the end, I also went back to work because I was anticipating our marriage failing. Tbh though, it forced him to be a more equitable parent (I am better and boundaries than he is-that includes workplace and division of labour) and we are in a better place. And now, if I want to bounce, I totally can. We are good though.
masquerading
New member
@sophie0813 Please pardon me for sounding barbaric or sexist. I know this isn’t the case for every gender, especially with how much we are evolving and becoming equal BUT… I truly believe in most cases it’s how we are wired. A woman has the maternal instinct to care, feed, love, and grow our babies. While it’s built into a man to make sure she and the kids have everything they need for that to happen. This isn’t an excuse, but maybe a different way for you to look at it. I don’t think some men have learned to separate financially providing and emotionally providing. I think he thinks his job is fulfilled once he walks into the door and it’s time for him to check out. The issue is that you have been working all day and at this point you deserve a little rest, too! If he has any desire I think you should buy a couple copies of a marriage book and read it out loud together every night. This helped my husband gain some insight into the things I went through during the day a lot. He had a little more patience with me and the babies after that. Also, leave him alone with them for an entire weekend. Go somewhere, anywhere. A hotel. Whatever. He needs to see from your point of view so he can be more helpful with the kids when he comes home!