I wish my husband hated his job so he would like us more

[sophie0813]

That’s pretty much it. I know it’s stressful here. We have a 4, 2.5, and 5mo so you can imagine. He spends 1 day with us (and irritable at that) and is itching to go back to work. I am very supportive of having a job you love, but I look back at my dad, and seemingly the best part of his day was coming home to us because he hated his job. My husband gets home around 6 (kids go to bed at 7) and even that’s too much time for him. He doesn’t like to do things as a family, like go to the zoo or on vacation. I get it, but also change is the spice of life. I’m incredibly burnt out, having no support around me and doing weekdays essentially alone, but I’m even extra on edge trying not to make him mad or upset with the kids.

 

[shirin]

@sophie0813 Obligatory seek out a healthcare professional, maybe a couples therapist, to see if there are underlying issues contributing to him acting this way.

In my personal experience, I shut out my husband. I do it all and I refused to abandon my kids with someone who acts like being around them is a chore. So if he didn’t have time for me and his family, I didn’t have time for him.

No space to talk about his day or cuddle or make him meals or do his laundry. I didn’t worry about stepping on eggshells with him, I told him straight up to fuck off because I’m tired and don’t have any capacity for him because I have to save it for the kids. I was okay with this leading into a divorce because I wasn’t going to be married to someone who would rather act like a roommate than help with his family.

Luckily, that snapped him out of whatever fantasy he was living in and now he helps. Even if he has an attitude and I can sense it since we’ve been together almost 10 years, he keeps it under wraps. All of the mental load still falls on me to plan and such but he puts a smile on his face, does every task I ask him to without hesitation, and constantly tells me that he appreciates me. Maybe one day he’ll actually take initiative but I’ll take what I can get.

ETA: Our kids are 2 and 1 for reference.

 

[sophie0813]

@shirin It’s an interesting dichotomy, because he does a good portion of the “responsible” tasks of a functioning household, but he doesn’t lean into the “engaging” aspects that I think a father should. i.e. He cleans the kitchen at night, and puts away their folded laundry, but at bedtime he yells when they disobey and avoids reading a bedtime story or cuddling them to sleep. We’ve been together over 12 years and have each changed massively. But it almost feels like we’ve changed in different directions.

I’ve been wanting to get therapy or counseling for many years — I believe it can be helpful for any individual or couple, especially burnt-out couples like us. We just don’t have any friends or family nearby so childcare is impossible.

 

[shirin]

@sophie0813 I definitely recommend therapy. I think those professionals can best help you find a solution to the emotional fulfillment you are looking for from him.

We ended up going to couples counseling and then went to individual therapy too for a while and I believe it helped us tremendously. It wasn’t magic, we both had to work at it, and still are, so hopefully that’s a route your husband is open to.

 

[doralyn]

@sophie0813 How is your husband’s relationship to his parents? How were they growing up? I know certain things from our childhood trigger both of us and we’re both in therapy which seems to be helping. We’ve also been together a while…17 years. It’s weird to go from basically children (15) to adults to parents. We’ve also changed so much. I think I always had this picture of what a big happy family we’d be and it has been a harder transition than I thought it would be, to say the least.

 

[kenreed]

@sophie0813 You can hire a babysitter for therapy or time together away from kids. Sounds like you both could really use a break from the kids, which makes almost everyone a better parent. And takes the edge off so you can focus on each other or just breathe.
It’s so hard when it feels like all you are living for is work, chores and errands, and the little downtime y might have is always taken over by the kids.
It’s awesome that your spouse at least is responsible. Sounds like he just can’t handle kids being kids and needy, etc, on top of all the responsibility. Not everyone is equally cut out for being around kids.
I don’t know why we think everyone should be good at dealing with kids, but not say being an engineer or whatever. You know? It’s really an unrealistic expectation of society when you think about it. This coming from a nanny who loves babies. Lol
I just totally get why some people prefer to pay me to take care of their kids, because I prefer to pay someone to work on my computer. I get super irritated and impatient with electronics the way some people get impatient with kids. So I get it!
Just sucks for the kids and not sure what the answer is since majority of people become parents, but many are not cut out for it and dislike the job. Lol

 

[lottiebelle]

@kenreed The difference here is that your computer isn't a flesh and blood thinking and feeling being that was birthed of your body. Kids are frustrating sure, after a long day. But if a parent can't spend a single hour a day with their kids without thinking of it as a chore... instead of as a wonderful privilege... then something is seriously wrong. This is the man's children, the very meaning of life itself, not an annoying computer. Patience is a choice not a personality trait.

 

[uniquescreenname]

@sophie0813 I recently had to have a come to Jesus talk with my husband. Ages here are 2, 4 and 5 and husband is/was angry and seemed to hate being around us all the time.

Problem is he travels a lot and when he’s gone the house is beautiful harmony. He is the angry voice and after years and years he can’t deny it anymore. And I realized it had reached a point that it’s easier to take care of the kids alone than with him being miserable and making everyone else miserable too.

Isn’t changing overnight but it’s getting better.

 

[sophie0813]

@uniquescreenname I think the problem is he doesn’t have a good grasp on how to care for young children, so he defaults to me for everything and I’m always instructing. So when I tell him he’s being unreasonably angry or yelling too much it’s “just another thing” that “I’m better at”

 

[uniquescreenname]

@sophie0813 You might think about how you message things to him too, that’s fair. But at some point he just has to deal with little kids being frustrating. He made them.

 

[sergepb]

@sophie0813 Sounds like it is time for him to learn to love his first job as much as he loves the second one. You can't keep burning yourself to shield him from getting angry or keep letting him get away with dumping all the childcare on you.

 

[sophie0813]

@sergepb I agree, and agree that my conflict avoidance is an issue and also destroying me

 

[teenchill]

@sophie0813 That’s the exact age difference amongst my three children. They are now 14, 12, and 10. Those early years were so, so hard. I was definitely depressed. I was so lonely. My husband’s obsession has always been his work. I knew this before we got married. I never thought, however, that he wouldn’t slow down once we had kids. He wanted four, I wanted two, we settled on three. The state of the house that he came home to is what you could imagine three small children and an isolated SAHM could stir up. He was excited to escape home life and be at work, or worse be with his parents and siblings (who never accepted me…but that’s a different story). I am sure your situation is much different from mine, and I hope you don’t wind up where I am now (buttoning up terms of divorce ). Had I felt loved and secure, and had he agreed to marital counseling, maybe we wouldn’t be where we are today. Please go for counseling, and shop around. Find a good one. Also, a lawyer friend shared advice he gives to most couples: hiring a nanny/housekeeper will always be cheaper than a divorce. Doesn’t matter if you’re a SAHP or not, hire the help.

 

[paul234]

@teenchill I'm also a SAHM in the process of separating realizing my husband doesn't prioritize anyone needs but his own unless it's some kind of game/manipulation.

 

[sophie0813]

@teenchill Thanks for your response. We don’t have that added family issue, but it sounds a little similar. Our issue to solving most problems is finding help, like caretakers, in a place we’ve only lived a few years (feels shorter bc covid).

 

[melindapurcell]

@sophie0813 Liking your job and liking your family are not mutually exclusive. I'm the working mom with a stay at home husband. I love my job and love being with my family. I take over for a bit when I get home to give my husband a break then we tag team the rest of the evening and on the weekends.

Is this new behavior from your husband? Was he more of a teammate when you had just one or two kids and now with number three he's reached his limit? Or has something else changed that led to this?

Whatever is going on with him, I can't see how it's sustainable for you. It sure wouldn't be for me and I've only got one toddler...

Edit: sorry I forgot what sub this was in... normally I just lurk to get some insight into my husband's experience. I can delete if needed.

 

[joaa]

@melindapurcell Yeah don't delete this

 

[seabiscuit]

@melindapurcell Don't delete this. You're right. Liking your job and your family aren't mutually exclusive. Him hating his job likely would not fix this situation. There is something deeper going on here and OP needs to seek out relationship counseling to get to the bottom of it.

I'm a SAHM. My husband works. He doesn't hate his job, but he LOVES being around his family. He LOVES that his job lets him WFH 2 days per week so he can be with us more and have lunch with us. Before baby #2 was born 7 weeks ago, we'd meet him at a fast casual restaurant on his lunch break once/week and it was something he seriously looked forward to (we'll go back to doing that once new baby is a bit older and easier to get out of the house). He can't wait to get home in the evenings and spend the weekends with us. He gets the girls ready for the day in the morning because that's one of the only times during the work week he gets to spend time with them. It is absolutely possible to like your job and still be a good, loving, involved parent.

 

[brendaischristfollower]

@melindapurcell No no, you have a point.

 

[sophie0813]

@melindapurcell Don’t delete! I love the perspective from the other side. It definitely has exacerbated over the last year. Our 2nd born has been a disaster since birth and while we thought most issues would fizzle out with age (poor sleep, communication) they haven’t. The third born has a CHD so her entire pregnancy and first few months have been so stressful on top of everyone in the house getting “first year of school” germs from the 4 year old. On top of him accepting a new job (with a farther commute). So yeah I definitely get it. It’s just hurtful that he seems to not want to be around us