I think I finally made up my mind

[jacob069190]

TW for infertility, pregnancy loss, miscarriage, high risk, etc

In a state with trigger-laws in place after the news of Roe v Wade being overturned today I am in a very reflective mood, and I don't think I am fence sitting anymore.

Before my son was born I struggled with infertility and went through the whole gamut of medications and procedures. I had a "successful" IVF transfer of a single embryo resulting in a twin pregnancy. They were beyond wanted by my husband and I. Then I miscarried near the end of my first trimester and had a D&E. This is a procedure that will now be outlawed in many states, including my own, regardless of reason. Even if allowed in cases of miscarriage, I can only imagine there will be significantly less education and finding a medical professional not only willing but capable will become much more difficult.

I keep thinking of "what-ifs". What if I couldn't have the D&E and my body couldn't naturally miscarry? What if the only procedure available was a hysterectomy? What if I couldn't try again? What if that prevented me from conceiving my now beautiful and perfect little boy?

I am so sad for people that will find themselves in a similar situation and may not have as many options.

I am now one and done because I went through enough loss and cannot fathom going through it again when I wouldn't have safe options available to me. I am one and done because I already know I would be high risk in another pregnancy. I am one and done because I am scared if I try again while living here my son may end up without a mother.

 

[jeanba12]

@jacob069190 You're making the right decision. What has happened is absolutely horrendous. Men's desire to control women's bodies is shocking and neverending. I am so sorry for what you've lost, and I'm sorry for the opportunities now taken from you because you cannot rely on your life to be saved by medical professionals or the law.

 

[kymberly]

@jacob069190 I am Canadian, and I am mourning with you today. I am so sorry about what American women are facing today. I am sorry that your government has utterly and completely failed you and abandoned you. I am sorry that this ruling has any bearing at all on your decisions about your fertility health, your body and your family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being one and done, but it is really sad that the lack of access to rights and care that this case means for you is the reason or a reason.

 

[oceanguy]

@kymberly I’m ~90% sure I’m one and done. But now I’m scared that whatever choice I make might have been influenced by fear and the politics of the situation. If he gets a vasectomy now is it because it’s really what I want or partially a knee jerk fear response to losing control of my body and family planning decisions. If I choose to not go the vasectomy route is it because I really want a 2nd or is it me digging my heels in and not “letting” crazy government influence my decisions. I’ll never be sure of what I would’ve picked in a perfect situation of no pressure. I’m going to make sure my toddler has a passport, and me and my husband have current passports up to date at all times, in case we need to travel out of country for an abortion someday. Getting passports take time you may not have if a quick decision needs to be made, but this is yet another cost barrier so many women will face. I feel sick. I actually feel physically sick from reading and thinking about all this. I’m trying all my self care hacks but nothing makes me feel good. Nothing is strong enough to distract from losing the right to my own body.

 

[hypnos]

@jacob069190 I'm having the same thoughts today. I had a similar story, my miscarriages didn't need a D&E, but I did have an ectopic pregnancy that needed to be terminated. Plus an acquaintance of mine just had a late term abortion due to medical necessity a few months ago that was absolutely devastating to her and her family. She would now have to carry that child to term (at great personal cost) despite the fact that she would not have survived outside the womb.

I didn't think I wanted a second, and now it feels like trying again would be risking my own life due to my historical fertility issues. I already have one perfect baby who needs me so why risk trying for another?

 

[jacob069190]

@hypnos There are so many impossible situations that families face on a daily basis. It is heartbreaking.

I share the sentiment 100% that it isn't worth the risk when my family seems to perfect as it is now.

 

[jcarolina]

@jacob069190 The news today has also been enough to get me off the fence too. It’s terrifying to think how many lives this will cost.

 

[inhisarms17]

@jacob069190 This news also pushes me further towards OAD. There are no guarantees of my own health as a woman nor my baby’s once they are born, and hell, even once they are grown and of child-bearing age. F this. I just want to focus on keeping the kid I have alive and healthy.

 

[grahamvanhellsing]

@jacob069190 Hugs to you. This is all heartbreaking. I am with you on all of it. Truly earth shattering that he really may well be my only little guy… just trying to come to term with it. I hope I’m not the only one here who is really really heartbroken about it

 

[jacob069190]

@grahamvanhellsing You are not alone. I feel as though I am mourning so many things today. On one hand maybe I was looking for a reason to solidify my OAD decision, on the other I am devastated that this is the reason it is no longer an option. I don't know if I consider this "by choice".

I am heartbroken for so many. If the timing were different it may very well have pushed me to be childless. I cannot fathom how others must be feeling.

 

[presbydane]

@jacob069190 Thank you for posting this. I completely agree. Feminism is based on having choice. Women should have choice and autonomy. I was fencesitting but I am no longer. It is really sad. I will have to mourn the fact that the decision was made for me in this way. We are just some of the many, many, many woman who had that choice ripped from them today.

 

[0nedayatatime]

@jacob069190 The last part of your post felt like you knew my thoughts. Two of my children after my oldest and only surviving child. I decided at the funeral of my youngest that I was done burying my children or trying to join them in the graveyard. My child deserves a present caring parent most of all and I am working hard to be just that.

 

[lisalilly]

@jacob069190 I nearly wrote a very similar post to yours earlier today but found myself needing a little more time to reflect on my feelings first. I think this decision has also solidified my OAD feeling. We were donated 3 embryos and did a transfer last year resulting in my 5 month old son. We technically still have the 2 bio sibling to my son embryos in the freezer under our name. I was pretty sure I was OAD but now I am even more sure. I think it’s time to donate the embryos back to the clinic.

 

[katrina2017]

@jacob069190 I scheduled a bilateral salpingectomy after the SC leak. I was planning to be OAD anyway, but my husband was going to get a vasectomy. I decided that I wanted to be doubly sure that I didn’t get put into a bad situation because of the decisions of others. I have no regrets.

 

[irit]

@jacob069190 Years ago I had a rare pregnancy disorder called Molar Pregnancy where my egg died after being fertilized and instead of a miscarriage the Y chromosome doubled itself to make up for the lack of X. Which resulted in a lot of abnormal cells growing that had to be removed using D&E, if not done immediately those cells can spread to other parts of your body quickly such as your lungs and brain like cancer. Wonder if I’d be alive if I had to jump thru hoops to not end up with a form of cancer if that happened today.

 

[terribad]

@jacob069190 Same. I scheduled my tubal ligation consult July 14. I feel very similar to you - I don't want to leave my daughter without her mother heartbreaking