I struggle when hearing friends talk about sleep training..
- Thread starter hbwink
- Start date
@hbwink Exactly this. My SIL started sleep training when her baby was just 3 months oldā¦. She was asking me advice and my stance on it when he was like 7/8 weeks old. I shrugged it off for a while but eventually told her I didnāt and would never āsleep trainā my baby and I firmly do not believe in cry it out in any form. She pretty much dropped it then, but when she did sleep train she was telling me details one day and I just straight up told her. āIm not comfortable hearing about you sleep training. I totally can understand how hard it is when youāre not sleeping, sleep deprivation is awful, but I canāt hear you talk about how long he cries it makes me extremely uncomfortable.ā At that point she already knew I didnāt believe in sleep training, or CIO, but did and do believe in parents doing what is right for their child. She hasnāt talked sleep training to me again.
When it comes up with casual acquaintance it does make me sadā¦ but I try to remember that all parents are just doing their best.
When it comes up with casual acquaintance it does make me sadā¦ but I try to remember that all parents are just doing their best.
@hbwink Itās a fine line to walk, sharing your personal view / mentioning what youāve read or feel that has convinced you sleep training isnāt for your family WITHOUT sounding judgmentalā¦ I think as long as you donāt say anything that is dishonest and at the same time donāt try to impose your own way on others, thatās the best you can do.
Like I would definitely share what works for me, but I wouldnāt try to convince my friends to try it. I wouldnāt lie and say that I think sleep training will solve their problems either. I would just try to not speak as if I know any better. We are all just parents trying to figure this out in our own way.
Like I would definitely share what works for me, but I wouldnāt try to convince my friends to try it. I wouldnāt lie and say that I think sleep training will solve their problems either. I would just try to not speak as if I know any better. We are all just parents trying to figure this out in our own way.
eddiebeltran
New member
@hbwink I will never forget the post in the sleep training subreddit where a mother said she left her 2 month old to cry all night to learn to self soothe and they were screaming their head off, puked, she didn't even feed her baby all night just let her cry. Fortunately most people told her she was abusing her baby but there were some that were okay with it and gave advice. I still feel destroyed thinking about that poor baby. I do understand that cry it out works well on some babies but when I hear the stories about it, they just break my heart.
My cousin sleep trained both her children and it worked wonders on the first and the second joined them in bed as soon as she learned to walk to their bed. So I understand doing sleep training, even cry it out, on some babies but applying one blanket rule to all babies is harmful.
My cousin sleep trained both her children and it worked wonders on the first and the second joined them in bed as soon as she learned to walk to their bed. So I understand doing sleep training, even cry it out, on some babies but applying one blanket rule to all babies is harmful.
foster2010
New member
katrina2017
New member
@hbwink
- Try to remember itās a small minority of parents in the world doing ā cry it out ā sleep training. Most babies are being attended to when they cry.
- I was sleep-trained. I have my share of problems but Iām a decent functioning adult. I know a lot of kids who have been sleep-trained and they honestly seem fine ( for now , haha )
- Iām open to knowing their are pressures and circumstances I have not felt that might lead someone to sleep train using cry it out methods.
- If I let my baby cry in the car seat because I want to go somewhere non-essential, am I any better?
livingwordlabels
New member
@katrina2017 There's a major difference between the car seat and sleep training. In the former situation the baby knows you are right there, you are talking to them, etc. Not so In cry it out sleep training.
katrina2017
New member
@livingwordlabels Based on the downvotes I think we are not discussing your garden variety sleep training but rather the strict approach of crying it out at all cost? If thatās correct then yes, I would call It straight up child abuse. However, I donāt think sleep trained babies are typically neglected in that way.. I think the parent is usually close by. Most starting from a young age, meeting the childās needs, in the bassinet right beside the bed.
katrina2017
New member
Yeah OP asked how to deal with it when someone discusses sleep training around youā¦
Iāve been in my share of āfightsā on the pregnancy app about this and realized it does not amount to anything positive to express my distaste for sleep training to someone who has already gone through with it.
Iām not down to do cry it out or Ferber/something similar with my baby. But itās better to put my energy into encouraging other mom friends who might be struggling and future moms to be more gentle with their approach to sleep.
Iāve been in my share of āfightsā on the pregnancy app about this and realized it does not amount to anything positive to express my distaste for sleep training to someone who has already gone through with it.
Iām not down to do cry it out or Ferber/something similar with my baby. But itās better to put my energy into encouraging other mom friends who might be struggling and future moms to be more gentle with their approach to sleep.
katrina2017
New member
Iāve never had this discussion before. I mean Iāve never questioned what works for someone elseās kid, I just know it didnāt work for us.
This is quite enlightening to realize that my opinions about sleep training may have little relevance to someone who has studied these current popular methods. I canāt imagine that a method in general would be good for every individual childās needs. However, I do think that sleep training is done all the time without the use of methods, and in a way that caters to a childās needs.
My second child didnāt like being held and would protest cuddles, but roll over and cry to have their back rubbed to sleep. It was weird but apparently genetic on her dads side haha. This kid may have been easy to sleep train had we tried. Just as an example of the various possibilities.
This is quite enlightening to realize that my opinions about sleep training may have little relevance to someone who has studied these current popular methods. I canāt imagine that a method in general would be good for every individual childās needs. However, I do think that sleep training is done all the time without the use of methods, and in a way that caters to a childās needs.
My second child didnāt like being held and would protest cuddles, but roll over and cry to have their back rubbed to sleep. It was weird but apparently genetic on her dads side haha. This kid may have been easy to sleep train had we tried. Just as an example of the various possibilities.
katrina2017
New member
@livingwordlabels Are you sure that a young baby understand why they are strapped into a car seat? I am not sleep training my baby, and I had to make the tough decision to mostly stay at home the first few months because he would cry anytime I strapped him in the car. Only left for doctors appointments. My opinion is both are crying that should be avoided unless necessary
katrina2017
New member
This is a great opinion to have, your children are lucky ones! Im not sure if they understand what is happening in the car seat but they do figure it out after a couple drives(At least mine seem to, but we canāt exactly ask them). I had these same aspirations to eliminate crying, but now with siblings the crying is inevitable. I think itās ok to let them cry early on in the car seat because A, I have no choice. And B, it sets them up for years of riding in the car. I wish I knew a thing or two about various sleep training methods but Iāve never had a reason to research them.
katrina2017
New member
I switched to a convertible car seat with more of an L-shape rather than a C-shape and it made all the difference! Thankfully, no more tears for shorter trips out of the house.
katrina2017
New member
@livingwordlabels OK so then keeping your baby crying in the car seat is more similar to a Ferber or sit back style of sleep training
katrina2017
New member
@hbwink Idk, I think itās kinda like when you let your kid cry themselves to sleep in the car seat. They know from day one that you arenāt pulling over for them bc youāve set this boundary. But as a cosleeper my child knows this is our intimate time and theyād probably be stressed, confused and sad if I took that away too early.
Studies show that consistency is important to reduce stress. A crying sleep trained baby is not necessarily stressed. It may be their way of falling asleep. When my kid is full and tired they will sometimes cry themselves to sleep in my arms. Say I pull over now and then to help my car seat bound child. In the future that child may cry with all the hope of mom pulling over. Mom isnāt pulling over. So, only now does the child lose trust. Overtime this lack of trust can become, potentially, damaging to the attachment with their caregiver. I think itās way harder for me to be consistent in meeting their needs while sleep training, so we cosleep. Plus theyāre sooo darn cuddly.
Studies show that consistency is important to reduce stress. A crying sleep trained baby is not necessarily stressed. It may be their way of falling asleep. When my kid is full and tired they will sometimes cry themselves to sleep in my arms. Say I pull over now and then to help my car seat bound child. In the future that child may cry with all the hope of mom pulling over. Mom isnāt pulling over. So, only now does the child lose trust. Overtime this lack of trust can become, potentially, damaging to the attachment with their caregiver. I think itās way harder for me to be consistent in meeting their needs while sleep training, so we cosleep. Plus theyāre sooo darn cuddly.
@katrina2017 idk my almost 6 month old is just now learning that sheāll get tickled when I start a certain rhyme and most parents start sleep training at 4 months old. Iām not sure those babies are capable of understanding boundaries and connecting past and current events like you describe. They just feel theyāre alone and crying. I never let my baby cry in her car seat, Iād pull over (made for some loooooong trips in the early months) and still sheās now going on car rides happily. One time after putting her to bed I didnāt realize I had my monitor on silent and poured cereal to come back to see her cry on the video and when I went in I realized that I had never heard her cry like that. Makes me think that itās a special kind of fear and abandonment, being made to lie in darkness and all alone as opposed to the discomfort of a car seat.
@zach0024 Yeah making connections between past and present events is a developmental thing that takes time. I mean, babies donāt even have a grasp on object permanence until around 6mos. Just like āself soothingāā¦. That requires some pretty advanced emotional skills that kids donāt have until ~3 years old. No amount of sleep training an infant is going to teach something that baby brains are literally incapable of understanding. The idea that babies are manipulating parents to get what they want (like crying in the car seat to illicit a response) is a fallacy. Their brains are not developed enough to do that. Cries are signals that a need isnāt being met.
I also donāt let my baby cry in the car. It sucks, and has made some quick trips very long, but I know itās a phase and that she will eventually get used to being in the car, and feel secure in knowing that I will soothe her if sheās in distress in there. Thatās the consistency thatās important to secure attachmentā consistently responding to your babies signals.
I also donāt let my baby cry in the car. It sucks, and has made some quick trips very long, but I know itās a phase and that she will eventually get used to being in the car, and feel secure in knowing that I will soothe her if sheās in distress in there. Thatās the consistency thatās important to secure attachmentā consistently responding to your babies signals.