I knew the baby shower would be bad, but I never could have anticipated this ..

R

raving4him

New member
So yesterday was my friend’s baby shower for her fourth baby. Another friend of ours thought because it was her last baby we should do a little get together. It was a surprise tea party with just 8 of us there. I had mentally braced myself because I knew the majority of the ladies had little babies or were pregnant (as follows:)

Friend #1: it was her baby shower, pregnant with number 4 due in a week!
Friend #2: Had baby #4 in November

Friend #3: Had baby #2 in December and brought him to the party
Friend #4: Has four kids, youngest is a toddler
Friend #5: 6 months pregnant
Friend #6: Has 3 teenagers
Friend #7: No babies yet
Me #8: trying for almost 15 months, miscarriage in Jan @10weeks. Haven’t told anybody, husband doesn’t want us to.

Friends #6&7 give me sanity honestly, and I have been leaning on them as it’s getting harder to pretend I’m okay around my other friends. I love them all dearly and I’m so happy for them but honestly they make me cry. When we first started trying, I imagined me and Friend #2 having a baby together, then Friend #3, then friend #1 and well I’m still not any closer to having a baby.

Me & Friend #7 were getting slammed with the “when are you guys having babies?? / why haven’t you had a baby yet ?? / it’s your turn!” questions like usual when suddenly friend #7 announces “well actually I’m 17 weeks pregnant” ....

I should be 15 weeks today. I lost my baby in Jan at 10 weeks after taking a year to conceive that baby. Everyone yelled and cheered and overwhelmed friend #7 with hugs and love and I could barely keep myself from crying. I should have been able to say “hey, me too”. We would have been due the same time. It would have been magical. Why is life this way?!

The entire rest of the baby shower was spent talking about planning friend #7’s baby shower and about birth and doctors in town and ugh ... I just tried my best to keep myself together but it was the hardest thing (besides the miscarriage) I’ve had to go through since starting TTC.

I just went home and cried, and cried. My poor husband must think I’m just a mess. I desperately want to be so happy for my friends and yet at the same time I just feel so broken. I hate this, so much.

Edit: I just want to say thank you for the huge outpouring of support from this sub. I’ve decided to tell my friends what’s going on, and I’ll also be seeing a counsellor. I read most of your comments to my husband and he says he understands more now how I’m feeling. Thank you for making today a little less terrible. ❤️
 
@raving4him Please, please open up to other people about your loss. Your husband doesn’t get veto power on you talking about something terrible that happened to you. I bet you’ll be surprised at how many other people say “I had a miscarriage too.”
 
@raving4him I’m sorry you had to go through that. I went through a similar situation a couple of months ago. Honestly, telling my friends about my loss helped me heel, and a lot of the time you will find out that the person you’re telling also went through the same thing. I told my friends regardless of what my husband thought, because being open about what I was going through helped me and helped others see my situation and be sensitive to my needs. I hope you are doing ok and get blessed with luck soon. Xoxo
 
@mizpahde I am really feeling this lately and have tried talking to my husband and will try again. I probably would have told my friends yesterday but I just couldn’t bear to tell them at that occasion. But I think it’s time they knew, for my own sanity. It feels like I’m holding in this big painful secret and I’m ready for it to be out in the open.

(And I’m ready for people to stop asking when I’m having a baby)
 
@raving4him My VERY very close friend and her husband were in this situation. Her husband is a very private person and he wanted to tell no one while it was eating her up inside. Finally her sitting down and bluntly saying (basically what you said) “Hey DH, I need to get this out into the open for my own sanity. I don’t like feeling like I have secrets from my friends and that’s putting an even an extra burden on me along with what WE went through. I understand you don’t want the whole world to know, and I’ll still try to respect that when I talk to them but I NEED this to help not just me but both of us.”

Hoping your husband understands ♥️
 
@mizpahde Yes to this! There’s wanting to keep something private, which I understand, but if your husband feels that way because there’s an element of shame for him, then that’s on him. Do what you need to do to heal and get the support you need from those close to you. I’m sorry it was such a hard situation.
 
@mizpahde I have also tried opening up to friends, but sometimes they just don’t understand, and in turn, make it worse. I have two friends who got pregnant after 2 and 3 months of trying. When I explained that I have been trying for almost 2 years, the one who tried for 2 months said, “ugh, it’s the worst, isn’t it? I prayed and it finally happened! But it’s torture!” I wanted to punch her in the face. BUT - I do have an old HS friend that I ran into at the RE and we bonded over this whole thing. So I guess you just need to choose your audience wisely.
 
@raving4him Oh honey, I’m so sorry. The miscarriage is so fresh, I’m sure you just feel awful. I think you should tell your friends. Let them love and support you. I’m sure they would all be heartbroken with you. Let the people who love you, love you. You don’t have to carry the pain alone.

Don’t lose heart. You are not broken.
 
@raving4him Oh my goodness that sounds like a TTC nightmare, I am SO sorry. ❤️❤️ I have my sister in laws shower next weekend and I am just absolutely dreading it. I am wishing you TTC luck and a Sunday full of your favorite things. Give yourself some extra love today!
 
@raving4him Holy crap, this is brutal. Honestly, kudos to you for just putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the day.

I understand that trying for pregnancy is a shared experience between two people who may have differing levels of privacy. But damn, honestly I would go batshit insane if I were forced into the isolation of not being able to share my fertility struggles with my friends. They have been such a vital level of support for me through this.

The reality is that men don’t experience as many (or ANY!) of these types of constant needling questions about “are you pregnant?” “why aren’t you pregnant??” “when are you going to be pregnant???” “time’s running out you know!” that just become knives in the heart pretty quickly. It leads to women carrying an unbalanced share of the emotional burden. Would it be in the realm of possibility for you to speak to a therapist or counselor?
 
@raving4him This sounds horrendous and I can only imagine how it felt for you but I know I would have certainly come home in tears and locked myself away for a while to recover.

It’s bad enough when you are struggling to conceive and want it so bad but the “when is it your turn?”/“When are you going to have kids?” Comments are the worst! I wish people would just engage their brains and adopt some sensitivity. Maybe because they have never encountered problems- it could be blissful naivety..? Still, bloody awful. My heart goes to you
 
@raving4him Wow. Talk about an actual nightmare scenario.

So... I would suggest maybe you do take someone into your confidence about your loss or at least see a counselor. Your husband and you both, really. It sounds like you really need someone on the outside of this group to lean on.
 
@raving4him Ugh this experience sounded emotionally testing for you - I’m so sorry.

My friends know we are trying but don’t know about my MC in December, so I’m also getting the constant hustle on when we will have a baby. I’m always so confused about this type of commentary. Like we’ve been trying for months and it’s not something we have control over? It’s not like we are just over here pretending to try. So stop asking as the question is ridiculous and insulting to those who struggle with loss and infertility and JUST STOP. /endrant
 
@raving4him I think you need to talk to your husband about telling people. You clearly need the support of your friends, and just because he doesn’t want to tell others, it doesn’t mean that is what you need.
 
@raving4him What an awful thing to have to go through I’m so sorry. If being open with your friends can help avoid these kind of situations in future, or litigate them at least, then surely your DH would understand if you told a select few of your friends.
 
@raving4him Please share what you are going through with your friends, you need as much support as you can get. There is no reason to keep your miscarriage secret unless YOU want to - anytime we go through hard times we lean on friends and family, this is no different. Perhaps your husband prefers to grieve alone, that does not mean you need to grieve your loss this way.
 
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