I get so annoyed of hearing “wElL I dOnT kNoW hOw To HeLp UnLesS yOu aSk”…

[judylynn5]

@savemonopolylatw2votv Teach him how to do the thing. It's stupid that we have to, but that's the way to break away from being the Ruler. Make the planning a meeting that you're both involved in. A weekly meeting is a great way to do this. Sit down and look at your calendars for the next week. Do your meal plan. Figure out what tasks need to be done and divide them up. Don't just invisibly do this and hand him a list. He helps make the list. He learns how this thinking is done and you both contribute. Then he's involved in choosing his responsibilities, too.

If there's anything he gets that he doesn't know how to do, show him once or twice. Then it's up to him. Show him what all needs done to clean the bathroom. If he is planning your kid's birthday party, help him make the list. You say okay, so it's a kid's birthday party. What all do we need? Food. Yep. We'll need a cake, finger foods, and a meal that's easy to serve to a crowd. All kid-friendly. What else? Decorations. Blah, blah.

Or just tell him to Google it . But if you want it done a certain way, set up a standard and help him figure it out once. If he's claiming he can't do it after that, it's weaponized incompetence and it's time for therapy or divorce.

 

[ricesn]

@savemonopolylatw2votv A different side to the same coin: they might have also grown up in a household where not even the mom cared about those things, then they lived on their own once becoming an adult, and you are the first person who has ever told them they have to do things like dust, mop, etc. If you grow up living with hoarders, you aren’t going to automatically be as savvy about all of the little cleaning upkeep things since no one ever set that example for you. That is the issue my husband has had—zero role models for cleanliness and organization in his life, so he has had to be instructed about what to even look for. He gets better all the time but boy was it an uphill battle for a while…

 

[truth_seekers]

@savemonopolylatw2votv As his “Ruler”

 

[godisworking]

@roryrichards Omg I feel this. I sent my husband an article about the mental load.. and I don’t think he gets it yet. Yesterday we had company, and I literally did everything, our friends have 3 kids so their hands were full. I served their kids dinner, I got dinner for my baby, and then served dinner for myself.. meanwhile husband was on his second plate. Just chillin and chattin. When they left he noticed I was upset, so I told him how things looked from my perspective.. the man had the AUDACITY to tell me “if you had asked I would’ve helped!” And I’m over here screaming inside of my head “you have eyeballs! You’re an adult” .. nobody asked me to help our friends, I just noticed they could use a hand given that they were busy with their kids climbing on them, so I helped. At no point did my husband think “hmmm I should help too” .
He did come to his senses later and apologized which I’m glad he did, because the man seriously blamed me for not asking him
They really are something else.

 

[nilcaa19]

@godisworking Is this the article/ comic you shared with him? If so
Did he actually read it? It’s the first thing that comes up on Google when you type in ‘you should’ve asked’

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

 

[godisworking]

@nilcaa19 yes! Well, it was this article which also has a link to that comic! https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load

 

[marootsoobutsu]

@roryrichards I would take the time to make a big list like this for my husband, and I also know even if I put a copy of it on every surface in our home his response would be that he didn’t know he was supposed to read it.

 

[binfoco]

@marootsoobutsu Or he doesn't know how to do those things....

 

[mybloodysweetheart]

@roryrichards i dont even want flowers. Thanks now i have to find a vase, wipe it off, cut all the stems, arranged them in a non ugly way, and find a spot in the messy house for them. its like puttin lipstick on a turd (the turd is my house)

 

[nathan2018]

@mybloodysweetheart Yes! He does things that just make more work for ME! Then wants praise for doing them?

Like my husband stuffed the cloth nappies. In the 10 months that we have had Mr Magoo in cloth he has NEVER stuffed the nappies. Why oh F why did he decide he would now. He put 1 insert in and then was like oh that was easy.

The nappies need 2 inserts in each pocket. Did he not wonder why he had a zillion inserts left over?? No, since he never does it. Oh and he couldn’t ring me and ask if he was doing it right because it was going to be a nice thing he had done so he didn’t want to tell me before hand.

So here I am redoing the job that he did instead of something he actually could have done like vacuuming or just general tidying up!

Drives me up and over the wall!!!

 

[judylynn5]

@nathan2018 When my husband does stuff like this, I say something like "I appreciate you helping out with the diapers. These do need two inserts, which is why there were so many leftover. Can you add another insert to all of these?" Or if I have to do it myself because he's gone when I discover it, I tell him later.

I do think it's important to give the benefit of doubt and recognize effort because we want MORE of that. If you criticize every time he tries at all, he's disincentivized to show that initiative because he's going to do it wrong and just be criticized anyway. Just like with out kids, their "help" makes things harder, but we have to let them help sometimes anyway and thank them and fix it later when they're not looking because they need that for their development.

It's absolute shit that we have to parent our spouses, too, but unfortunately, our husbands were raised being told that they were special and important and not given any practical household skills. If we want to break that cycle, we have to make that change in our relationships so we can model and teach something different to our kids.

 

[nathan2018]

@judylynn5 Very true.

He does get acknowledged and praised for doing jobs but in this instance I was a bit pissed as I had been away with the baby and come back to a messy house and he had picked a job he didn’t know how to do instead of something that he could have looked around and saw needed done eg vacuum or do dishes. That goes back to my other comment about the cleaning blinders he often has on though.

 

[judylynn5]

@nathan2018 I totally get that. It can be quite baffling.

 

[lifethatwins]

@mybloodysweetheart Yup. Gee, thanks for yet another chore.

 

[musicenthusiast]

@roryrichards Weaponized incompetence. It’s infuriating.

 

[appleboy]

@musicenthusiast Very much so

 

[infomommax]

@roryrichards Nah I made a list today. I’m printing that bitch out this weekend. No more excuses I didn’t ask. Check and see if it needs to be done. He does the same things over and over which is indeed nice, but why am I the only one worrying about 90% of things.

The part about the phone makes my blood boil

 

[earthlyhope]

@infomommax This is the vibe. I also made a list today. Not doing this alone anymore.

 

[autexmex]

@roryrichards My husband and I were separated for years for many reasons one of them being his lack of helping me with the kids and home. During our reconciliation process I set the boundary that during his weekend visits I was not going to even ask for help with the kids or the home. But if when he left on Sundays I felt behind on house work instead of being ready for the week, he was not welcome the following week. I only had to enforce that boundary 2x and he suddenly figured out how to look around and find what needs to be done.

I know not everyone is willing to separate over this, but you gotta set the boundary some how and find what motivates your partner.

 

[jdi12]

@roryrichards My husband is probably better at "homemaking" tasks than me, but he also will prioritize garage tasks/car maintenance/random ass chores over the ones that I would consider a priority. I do bedtime routine 99% of the time (courtesy of boobs), so when I started feeling overwhelmed because I would come out and feel like I had so many things left to do. The issue was he wasn't prioritizing the chores I would, so I literally did start making a list. I have a running notebook that sits in our living room for meal planning, lists, etc, so I put it in there. It'll just be like dishes, tidy living room, prepare bags for tomorrow. And he may knock one or two off while I'm holding the baby, or he may still choose something else first but then he'll help me knock stuff out before bed. It has been really nice.

That said - it wasn't an issue of him doing nothing, it was just priorities and helping me feel less overwhelmed.