I did it. I left him. I am not okay

@panictopeace Hey.. what you're feeling is valid, it's normal and healthy. Try to talk to counselors as you go through stuff if you can.

I did it years ago and I made the mistake of going back, and now I'm stuck for the foreseeb future, please take the time to care for you and your daughter, and take things one minute at a time if need be.

You deserve to be safe, and have support, and you're strong for doing what you're doing now. The shelter people will help you with courts stuff, like lawyers etc. You just need to ask.

Big hugs and best of luck
 
@panictopeace I have been where you are, and I am so proud of you.

I know you feel scared and uncertain now, but you did the right thing for you and your daughter. You don't deserve to be treated like that, and she doesn't deserve to grow up seeing her mother being treated like that.

You've given her an amazing example, and one day if someone tries to treat her that way, she's going to follow your example and leave. You taught her what to do. You have given both of you such an amazing gift by walking away from him.

Seriously, I am so happy for you. The next part will be hard, but the two of you will have a better life, and you will feel so free once you realize that you no longer have to cater to his mood, crush yourself into something small, and walk on eggshells around him. It may not have sunk in yet, but when it does you will feel so much better.

And when you're out of the shelter and can use weed again, you might want to try a CBD only strain. I recently stopped completely too-- I'm not against it, but I was using much too much of it. The CBD strain controls my anxiety well enough that I don't miss the other stuff at all. I use it at the same time of day as I did before, and it helps me wind down just as well, but without the fogginess.
 
@panictopeace I am so happy to hear you are out and safe, you did the best thing for you and your daughter. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard, and doing so is brave. It's going to be hard, but keep going, you got this!

There are charities that offer free support (I only know the ones in the UK) to help with legal costs, mental health support and other support you may want.

There's a book that really helped me understand and validate my feelings called "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft - there are free pdfs of the book floating around on google. It's written by a psychologist that worked with domestic abuse perpetrators for years and wrote a book about them, and why they do it and how they get away with it. It's comforting to understand how it can happen and why, and also why you must not go back and why it will not change.

If you want someone to talk to, my dms are open. I spent 9 years in an abusive relationship before I had to pack up and leave while he was gone. It's been 5 years now and it was the best decision I ever made.
 
@panictopeace I had to comment because when I was 8 my mom left my dad the same way. He was at work, my mom had been planning it for a while apparently and already had started squirreling away our stuff in her car, we went to a shelter. We were there for a couple months, through Christmas that year, and I’m still beyond grateful she found the strength to do all that instead of stay with my father. The shelter was hard but temporary, staying with my father would’ve been excruciating and lasted the rest of her life. Who knows what collateral damage to me and my brothers growing up like that.

I’m so sorry, I couldn’t imagine the rollercoaster you’re riding, but I just had to echo everyone here that your daughter will be SO grateful one day that you had the wisdom and the unconditional love for her to take such a huge terrifying leap. You are so capable, we are all so proud of you ❤️
 
@panictopeace You have done a tremendously brave thing, leaving your abuser. You are stronger than you realize. And you absolutely did the right thing. Maybe there is a social worker or counselor at the shelter that you could reach out to and say all of your feelings? They could hear you and tell you it’s ok to feel everything you feel, and then help you plan how to work through those feelings.

When he says terrible things to you, like he’s going to sue for full custody, remember that he’s doing that to torment you and maybe even have you leave the shelter and return to him. You could open up to a shelter counselor about it and have them reassure you. Use whatever resources there are at the shelter to reinforce you made the right decision, because you did!

Sending hugs. Hang in there. Stay strong in your decision for yourself and your sweet LO.
 
@panictopeace I’m proud of you for taking the hardest step you took. Take things 5 minutes at a time and don’t forget to try and practice some self care. Remember that your stronger than what you think you are.
 
@panictopeace I’ve been exactly where you are. Left my ex with my two year old and stayed at a shelter for months. It sucked bad at the time but I am so grateful now. I have my own apartment, I have friends, I’ve rebuilt myself and life is so much better without him around. You can do this, mama. 100%. I’m so proud and happy for you!
 
@panictopeace I know you’re terrified right now but let me ask you this? Aren’t you also crazy relieved?? You finally did it!! OMG that is so huge! YOU TOOK YOUR POWER BACK!! Be proud of you! I know I am really proud of you!!
I was you 10 years ago. My ex (I did the same as you Holy Crap he’s an ex!!! Woo Hoo lol!!) wasn’t physically abusive, but he would rush into my face and try to intimidate me. I always felt I had to tread softly. Never trusted him to act right.
Hard to put into words really unless you’ve lived it and when I read your posts I have the feeling you’re living it. I understood completely when you said you couldn’t tell him to his face. I did the same as you… I snuck out. I was too afraid he would snap and my daughters and I would be a tragic news story.
Anyways… I wanted to let you know that while right now you’re scared and questioning yourself, you know you’re doing the right thing for yourself and your child. You know he’s not a good person. You feel bad because you actually are good. You have a heart and you spent a long time w this man boy. Of course you feel bad. We’re used to being the buffer.
Give yourself grace. If you want to chat I can tell you more about my experience and just know that this internet stranger is rooting for you!! You got this! Keep your power.. don’t ever give it away again. HUGS!!!
 
@panictopeace I’m so so proud of you - such courage it takes to do this. Don’t let anyone gaslight you - you know on your heart why you had to do it. Your child will be so much better off, and so will you. Deep breaths - one day at a time. Don’t overthink. Rooting for you from out here in Redditland.
 
@panictopeace You did the right thing. Abuse is not okay, in any form. Your daughter will live a better life without him. From experience, as the child grows older the abusive parent will start to abuse them too, out of spite. You did the right thing. Keep on taking steps in the same direction & you will prosper. Progress is not linear & takes time. Show yourself the compassion you would show to someone in your situation. I know you’ll make it though this because you want your daughter to have the best life possible. ❤️
 
@panictopeace I know you don't feel strong. But this is exactly what being strong looks like, what you are doing right now, today. It doesn't take a lot of bravery to do things you're not scared of; you are bravest when you are scared out of your mind, and you do it anyway. You are strong because you feel like you don't have it in you, but you are doing it anyway. Imagine if it were your daughter, all grown up, getting herself out of an awful relationship. Imagine what you would say to her, and then try saying that to yourself. Imagine how proud of her you would be. So many hugs to you. You can do this.
 
@panictopeace One minute at a time sister. Look at your daughter for strength. You left because you don't want that life for her. Be strong and when things are hard remember you are modeling behavior for her.
 
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