I was in my son’s room this evening asking him about something I can’t even remember now, and I looked over towards his phone and saw a bunch of “blue” messages in a row. I didn’t think anything of it at first and didn’t think to read the messages. After I thought about it, I asked him who he was texting that many times in a row. Now just to give some insight, my son has never been one of many words, so it stood out as unusual to me that he would send that many texts without a response. He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about, so I asked him to grab his phone and I would show him. He proceeded to “scroll” through his texts and open each chat one by one but somehow none of the ones he voluntarily opened had a bunch of blue messages like I glanced over and saw. Single mom mode commenced, and I knew immediately then he was hiding something. I then took the phone from him, and scrolled to the top where the contact was a little girl’s name who I will not mention. I clicked on the chat, and there they were; 10-12 blue messages without a response. The last one reading “b***h,” but without the *. I lost it. He was not raised to speak to little girls or anyone like this. I yelled louder than I’ve yelled in a long time. I made him text her and apologize. I took all electronics away. I apologized to her as well for his actions. I don’t know what to do or how to prevent this from happening again in the future. I’m disgusted, angry, disappointed. I need any and all the advice anyone is willing to give. I’m a single mom with two boys, and he is the oldest. His father is not involved in his life, and I have not dated anyone in about 6 years. I have no idea where he would have gotten this from or why he would ever think that was okay. I need to know how to address this in the morning once we have both had time to settle down. Adding for context since I was asked more than once: from the messages I read - he had her number because he had a crush on her. So I’m guessing he asked for it, and she gave it to him. They had conversations on and off for a couple weeks. I read that he asked her about giving his friend a hug today, and then he called, and she didn’t answer. I guess he was mad because she didn’t answer on top of being “upset/jealous” about the hug so he sent the last text that I mentioned in the post title. I just do not for the life of me understand WHY of all the possible responses or lack thereof he could have had, this was the route he chose.
I caught my 13 year old boy calling a little girl a “b***h”
katrina2017
New member
@georgiana My advice would be to focus less on punishment, and more on connection. Talk to him openly, allow him to explain the situation and explain to him that his feelings are very valid, but his reaction wasn’t acceptable and that when he feels upset like that, he can talk to you or even write it down in a private journal, but that lashing out at another person is a form of abuse. Texting and calling multiple times with no response, then resorting to name calling is a red flag for future relationships. He is showing that he is having intense negative feelings, but doesn’t have the skills to regulate them. Do you have a good relationship with him? Do you ask him about the things going on in his social life? Does he come to you with his problems? If you don’t feel like you can have these conversations with him, then therapy is a great option. If not handled carefully, this behavior could escalate.
man_of_god43
New member
@katrina2017 Came here to say something on these lines of “these feelings are ok, these reactions are not”. I’d say try to keep the lines of communication open as the priority - it was about this age that (IMO) the intense disapproval of my parents really cut my brother off and he spent 15 years not talking about his feelings to them, and much of that severely depressed. I’ve heard of parents of teens in the UK (not sure where you are OP) watching things like Love Island with their teens to bring up conversations around flirting, consent, emotional abuse, etc. If not Love Island then other relationship dramas, movies etc. Kids this age see soooo much online (regardless of who they’re hanging out with irl), much of it awful and unquestioned, and need safe spaces to discuss and sort out their feelings with trusted adults. I believe there’s a theory that we don’t develop full empathy till our mid 20s so he may need your support all that time.
@man_of_god43 This. I would really focus on the why part of why not to do this. Like, you can be frustrated and angry and upset. That’s totally normal. We all have moments like that. It’s what we do in those moments that matters. We take the time to process how we feel before we act on it. Don’t do or say anything until you have calmed down. Come talk to me about how you feel. I won’t be mad, you won’t be in trouble, I won’t lecture you or blame you. I feel that way too sometimes. Let’s talk about how we could handle this situation in the future. Recognizing how we feel and deciding not to act on it is huge step towards maturity.
olasunkanmi
New member
@katrina2017 Yes it was worrying- not because of the word used, but because of the intense jealousy and getting so angry when the girl didn’t answer his call. He needs to understand he can’t control her behaviour and doesn’t have a right to dictate who she hugs, no matter what their relationship status is. I think therapy would be useful because I wouldn’t know how to convince someone not to be jealous or controlling.
OP well done for catching this now and not ignoring your instincts.
OP well done for catching this now and not ignoring your instincts.
@katrina2017 His a teenager of corse he has intense feeling and doesn’t know how to regulate them. I’m all for explaining to him what he did wrong, but I think making him apologize was punishment enough.
woodpecker
New member
@georgiana As a guy who was raised by a single mom, and is now a proud dad of 2, I commend you.
Well done.
You were right to get upset, and I would’ve been proud if my wife had responded the same way. Your son needs to know 1) you don’t talk to anyone like that let alone little girls, and 2) we’re in a new world where hurtful messages like that can damage people irreversibly.
Unfortunately what son could really use is a positive male figure to model, but that’s not necessary for him to understand how to treat people. With dad out of the picture, it’s up to you (at least for now) to keep up with the bs that he’s exposed to, and steer him the right direction.
Tomorrow, have breakfast and discuss it. Ask him if he knows how hurtful it was, how he would feel, etc. And lay it on thick. 13 years old? That’s prime time. So keep it real with him. “I’m disgusted, angry, disappointed.” Tell him that. And how else it makes you feel. Maybe tell him a story of how you were called a name. And say it - don’t censor. Perspective changes when somebody’s hurt your mom. You know? This may be the opportunity to let your relationship with him mature a little bit, if that makes sense. But make sure he has a chance to say his piece too. Maybe let him have a say in the consequence. But leave that conversation on a positive note.
Not saying he’s me, but being raised by a single mom taught me to respect women far more than most men around me ever did.
I’m proud of you Mom. Keep it up.
Well done.
You were right to get upset, and I would’ve been proud if my wife had responded the same way. Your son needs to know 1) you don’t talk to anyone like that let alone little girls, and 2) we’re in a new world where hurtful messages like that can damage people irreversibly.
Unfortunately what son could really use is a positive male figure to model, but that’s not necessary for him to understand how to treat people. With dad out of the picture, it’s up to you (at least for now) to keep up with the bs that he’s exposed to, and steer him the right direction.
Tomorrow, have breakfast and discuss it. Ask him if he knows how hurtful it was, how he would feel, etc. And lay it on thick. 13 years old? That’s prime time. So keep it real with him. “I’m disgusted, angry, disappointed.” Tell him that. And how else it makes you feel. Maybe tell him a story of how you were called a name. And say it - don’t censor. Perspective changes when somebody’s hurt your mom. You know? This may be the opportunity to let your relationship with him mature a little bit, if that makes sense. But make sure he has a chance to say his piece too. Maybe let him have a say in the consequence. But leave that conversation on a positive note.
Not saying he’s me, but being raised by a single mom taught me to respect women far more than most men around me ever did.
I’m proud of you Mom. Keep it up.
@woodpecker Thank you so much. I love everything you wrote in your comment, and I will 100% be taking this approach in the morning to address this again, with a calmer demeanor. The reassurance means more than I can put into words right now, because I can’t help but feel like I’m failing when something like this happens. I needed this response. 
@georgiana You aren’t failing - failing would be having mom-dar go off and ignore it. Or worse, seeing the behavior and not calling him on it. You are amazing and I love this persons comment. You’ve got this, and whether or not every day is golden, you’re brilliant at it.
christianfox
New member
@georgiana You're not failing! You mentioned you don't know where he got it from, but if only you knew how bad middle schoolers cuss. They throw it around as non challantly as they say someone's name! It isn't your fault that he has been exposed to that kind of language. It's your job to help him navigate his experiences of what he's exposed to, not prevent him from being exposed to it, if that makes any sense. Like our friend above said, you did the right thing and it is important you lay it on thick when confronting his behavior in the morning. Words DO hurt and sometimes become the internal voice people hear when their brain isn't being so nice to them. I can still hear my bully's voice making fun of me and calling me names 20 years later... it's important he apologizes and understands how heavy the burden of his words are.
Edit: a word
Edit: a word
@christianfox Thank you! And don’t get me wrong, he’s not been a sheltered, live under a rock, don’t listen to songs with the “bad words” in them kind of child. I’m very open and honest with him about things that are appropriate for his age and maturity level at that time. But I explain what is right and what is wrong when we do approach a new situation or circumstance that we haven’t before where there is a clear right or wrong choice. This choice was clearly wrong. I just need to express the importance of making the right choices moving forward in similar situations in a way that makes future decisions not so difficult.
downtherabbithole
New member
@georgiana I'm not sure if this has been mentioned but I think a conversation about the following: rejection (and how to cope with those feelings), healthy relationships and what is looks like when we are disappointed/and how to cope, what is means if someone can't respond immediately or simply "ghosts" you (a lot of pre-teen/teen boys are clue less about social signals or think they have to be extra pushy or play games for girls to like them). Also, let him know that name calling is abuse (call it what it is) and that it is unacceptable period. Also, start looking into teaching him emotion regulation skills. So many teen boys are left with little to no tools on handling their big emotions. Most just emulate peers or toxic hyper masculine models with "anger" as the mode that most boys feel comfortable showing. Behind that anger is often things like disappointment/sadness/and more. Also please seriously consider having your son see a mental health counselor to learn to relate in a health ways-- along with you teaching him those skills at home too (loads of social emotional learning books out there- PM me if you need ideas). I see what happened as an opportunity to partner with you son to learn how to handle relationship disappointment in a better way. Right now he is just reacting in an inappropriate and toxic way- so you want to 1) tell him it's not acceptable and 2) help him gain the appropriate skills (this is the part that ALOT of parents of boys miss).
peakwealth
New member
@downtherabbithole I would add to this that it may be helpful to let him know that making mistakes is part of learning, part of growing up. We all do it and it’s ok, but what’s important is how we grow and learn from them.
katrina2017
New member
@georgiana I'm not sure what I would do in this scenario exactly, but he would definitely lose the phone for a LONG time. Get him a Gabb watch or something so he can communicate with numbers that you program in. No texting with friends/girls if he can't be respectful. If he has a tablet or Chromebook or something I'd lock that sucker down like Ft. Knox so it can only be used for school work.
@katrina2017 All electronics have been taken away until he earns them back with changes in behaviors and respectful responses towards others that are genuine and not forced. This is one thing I will not be budging on.
katrina2017
New member
@georgiana Check the people he's hanging out with and where he's hanging out online.
@katrina2017 Yes, more than likely he's watching someone do this to others and he's picking up on it. Also make sure he's not following Jordan Peterson or Andrew Tate... sigh... I hate the need to make sure they aren't following them, but it's important to mention them bc they think of women as 2nd class citizens.
@georgiana He called her a B because he has developed a sense of entitlement/ownership over her, her feelings, her affection, whatever. He needs to learn that men cannot own women and do not have any entitlement over them.
This is a dangerous mindset and it’s all over the internet. It’s not a reflection of you or your parenting. You have a unique opportunity to right this wrong for him now and arm him with an emotional maturity that he will carry with him into future relationships.
Also like to add that someone else said “his feelings are valid” but they are not and this is part of the problem. He should never feel validated in his assessment that a woman is a B for not giving him what he wanted. She is her own person with her own feelings and she does not ever have to give of herself because she is responsible for a man’s feelings. He is responsible for his own feelings and if he finds himself upset over how a woman is treating him, he needs to check himself and move on.
This is a dangerous mindset and it’s all over the internet. It’s not a reflection of you or your parenting. You have a unique opportunity to right this wrong for him now and arm him with an emotional maturity that he will carry with him into future relationships.
Also like to add that someone else said “his feelings are valid” but they are not and this is part of the problem. He should never feel validated in his assessment that a woman is a B for not giving him what he wanted. She is her own person with her own feelings and she does not ever have to give of herself because she is responsible for a man’s feelings. He is responsible for his own feelings and if he finds himself upset over how a woman is treating him, he needs to check himself and move on.
foreverharmony
New member
@kendraann I totally agree with you. My hope is that the people who said his feelings are valid meant being hurt that she wasn’t answering/being hurt because of (perceived) rejection.
It’s valid to be sad/hurt/upset that someone isn’t interested in you the same way you’re interested in them. It’s not valid to have developed a sense of entitlement over her to the point that her hugging someone else sets off this reaction. I hope OP talks to her son about that and the difference between those feelings.
It’s valid to be sad/hurt/upset that someone isn’t interested in you the same way you’re interested in them. It’s not valid to have developed a sense of entitlement over her to the point that her hugging someone else sets off this reaction. I hope OP talks to her son about that and the difference between those feelings.
@foreverharmony Yes. Correct. I wanted to make the distinction because to only say “your feelings are valid” without explaining what part of those feelings are valid makes a difference to the mind of a teenage boy. You don’t want him getting the idea that it’s ok to feel hurt and think she’s a B, as long as I don’t say it out loud.