I’m so lost. Please help.

[jtjohnson365]

I was so sure I was one and done. My son is perfect, and we even managed to get a house in a crazy expensive market.

My family feels complete. But I think about having another 24/7. I almost can’t think of anything else to the point it’s dehabilitating. My husband I are doing ok, but another child would push us to the brink in terms of finances. Right now my son gets whatever he needs, but that would change if we had 2.

I’m also terrified of dividing my attention. But I’m terrified, too, of my son being lonely when he’s older and resenting me. I love my sister and couldn’t imagine a life without her, whereas my husband never speaks to his sister.

I just had a weekend with all my friends and they’re so content with two, and it makes me feel like something is wrong w me.

I’m 37, so it’s all a crapshoot. I just wish I could be okay with being OAD but something is nagging me.

My one reason for being OAD is I don’t want a disabled child, so why roll the dice. My one reason for not being OAD is because I want a big family.

I just hate being undecided.

 

[stander_pty]

@jtjohnson365 So here’s the thing to keep in mind: your friends’ families are not yours. What makes your friends happy will not necessarily make you happy.

It’s hard. I’m in a similar boat to you. If my husband were in favor of a second, I’d probably go for it. But the reality is, all the practical reasons are against it. Kids are expensive. I don’t know that I could be the kind of mother I want to be to two. Both my husband and I have had mental health struggles, and I think adding a second child could be a stressor we can’t handle. We still want to travel and to be able to have time to ourselves, and that would be so much harder with a second.

I think part of me will always mourn the possibility. But I’ve also learned that life doesn’t always turn out the way you expect, and that, while you can have some things you want, you can’t get EVERYTHING you want. So you have to prioritize what is most important to you.

 

[angelina185]

@jtjohnson365 My first has some minor medical issues which necessitated weekly appointments start at 3 weeks old. We have done as few as 1 appointment a week (but that was super rare) to as many as 8 appointments a week and were steady at 3 a week and now are back to 4 and he’s 19 months. We have seen just about every specialist you can think of. He’s been in PT, OT and speech and he also had a cranial helmet. And again MINOR medical issues, looking at home you wouldn’t think there was a single thing wrong with him he seems and looks totally normal but it’s been a long journey, so I 100000000% feel you. It has been a lot, it’s also constant stretching and exercising at home, less so now, but A LOT up until 15 months old and now we have constant speech stuff to work on at home.

Also they’ve been unsure all along what exactly is wrong so there’s been a lot of worry and he’s had a few developmental delays that have all turned out fine so far (knocking very hard in wood) and the anxiety, stress and worry is like nothing I have ever felt before. We’re actually doing genetics next because we just want to make sure we aren’t missing any care he should be receiving.

This is also one of my major reasons for being unsure if I want a second so you aren’t alone OP

 

[heathermig]

@jtjohnson365 If you think about having another one 24/7 I think that’s your answer…

I had the same thoughts about being 38 and not wanting to risk anything, I was happy with our one son, but still I got weird and teary eyed when my mothers of my sons friends turned pregnant.

We welcomed a baby girl seven months ago and while it’s hard and being this tired again but with a bigger kid in the picture, I’m so happy we had her. She’s healthy and everything went well. Recovery from birth was a breeze this time.

 

[srracing]

@heathermig I agree with this. I also couldn’t stop thinking about it and am now TTC a second. I have the same fears about the risks of a second but I can’t let it go.

 

[hgie777]

@jtjohnson365 I feel you on the disabled child thing. It's something id never say irl but it's true. Even a healthy child doesn't guarantee something won't happen to them in the future but at least they have a shot. I have a friend with a nonverbal autistic son who's just ridden with anxiety about him, his behavior, his needs, his future. I just wouldn't handle that pressure well. And the main reason I'll be 2 and done because although I want a third, i have two healthy daughters and don't want to risk it (besides the fact that me and my husband just aren't getting along lol).

That being said, I feel like Western societies are built for 2 children, esp US. It's not too difficult to accommodate 2 children into a household. 3 means you need a bigger car, bigger house, bigger hotel rooms, bigger everything. But 2 is not too different than having 1. Just a thought

 

[cordel]

@hgie777 Two is definitely a LOT different than having one imo!! But I feel you on the rest

 

[bldssphq]

@cordel As I try to decide between whether to have a second, I've been asking everyone I know with two how much harder it is. I find it's split between people who think it's like 1.5x, and people who think it's 3x harder. So interesting!

 

[wagrod]

@jtjohnson365 I feel like this is my situation in a nutshell right now, even down to the i get along with my siblings and my husband doesn’t, I would love to hear from others what their thoughts are.

 

[connocor]

@jtjohnson365 I'm two days postpartum and don't have the attention span to read your whole post but all I can say are babies are the best! Our little girl came in to this world and I feel our family is complete. My little boy probably thinks otherwise