I’m really struggling with guilt

[soccer2k14]

@katrina2017 My husband was disappointed when we switched to formula exclusively bc it's so damn expensive! lol ...He made a comment about it once and I started crying so he never made it a big deal again. I loved breastfeeding but I could rarely produce more than 2 oz at a time. I was so sad and felt guilty when I started feeding formula exclusively. It was just so much work to breastfeed and then bottle feed and then pump and then wash everything.....

 

[patrotter]

@rohanakumara Okay so 1. It is normal. Tons of families make the choice to formula feed from birth or soon after. 2. You’re feeding and nurturing your baby no matter what- there’s nothing more natural than that.

If he has such strong feelings about it, he can offer up his nips.

 

[utsukushii]

@rohanakumara When you see kids in public, can you tell if they are breastfed or formula fed? The moment I realized you couldn't tell the difference is the moment I realized "fed is best."

With my first child, I wanted to breastfeed more than anything. It was a terrible experience with no support (my assigned lactation consultant was a loser and rude). No one told me I was doing a good job or how to fix what I was doing wrong. So I quit, and I regretted it and cried a lot. Now my second baby is 7 weeks old, and after trying for weeks to breastfeed, my baby just won't latch well. So I decided to pump as much as I can and supplement with formula.

Breastfeeding is not for everyone and can be quite painful when you are learning. Don't let your husband's feelings affect what you feel is right for your body.

Trust me, picking off scabs before trying to breastfeed every few hours is terrible and mentally messes you up.

Do what you think is best. It's your body and your baby.

Good luck, new mom, I wish you the best.

 

[pulickalbrothers]

@rohanakumara If you’re feeling guilty because you’re changing your mind, go into it with an open mind. The internet makes it seem like it’s all or nothing. A lot of us end up combo feeding, either very briefly (to give baby some colostrum), for 1-2 years, or somewhere in between.

If you’re feeling guilty because of comments your husband is making, buy him some domperidone and tell him that he can start lactating if he feels so strongly about it.

Partners can be weird. The first go-round, my husband was upset that I was so resistant to formula. This time around, I made a comment that I might not want to breastfeed for very long, and he said “well, you might change your mind.” Like, what do you prefer, my dude?! This is why it should always be the birthing persons choice, full stop.

 

[findinghisway]

@pulickalbrothers This is great advice. I was 100% down for EFF prior to giving birth. When baby arrived, I had an amazing nurse at the hospital who taught me how to breastfeed and it came easier for me and my baby than it does for most people, so I rolled with it. I did feel “guilt” of knowing so many people want this badly for themselves and for their babies and here I was considering giving it up for “selfish” purposes. But that shit’s (EBF) hard.

Thanks to this subreddit and an awesome pediatrician, I was reminded that it’s not all or nothing. And if you want it to be, that’s fine too. I’m 4 months in and we’re happily combo feeding. I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would never have lasted this long EBF.

 

[pulickalbrothers]

@findinghisway I love this story! I did all the things to make EBF work, and drove myself insane to the point I was weighing my baby multiple times a day and had to go on medication. Once we moved to combo feeding, I loved it and we happily made it a year. Like you, if we hadn’t implemented formula, we never would have made it. Planning to combo feed from the beginning this time, and will tap out whenever it feels right, be it 3 days or 3 years. Knowing we’re using formula from day one is so freeing.

 

[eastgrandkids]

@rohanakumara With my first, I had a traumatic birth that I believe contributed to my physical inability to produce milk. I struggled for a while and my mental health tanked. We switched to exclusively formula and things improved. It allowed for me to hand off the baby and my husband got to experience feeding the baby.

With my second, I was able to produce milk however my mental health plummeted quickly and I missed the egalitarian aspect of formula. We have our baby on formula and it has helped tremendously. Both of my kids are thriving.

It’s what works for you. Fed is best. And, it’s your body. For the entire time that you were carrying your baby, you’ve not been 100% in control because those little parasites are demanding while in utero. If you are wanting some more control over your body, or not wanting to be constantly touched, being able
To pass the baby off and someone else feed can be really helpful.

No one can tell which baby is on breast vs. formula and they all end up getting the same daycare diseases anyways.

 

[julius05]

@rohanakumara So, I breastfed both my kids and both had to supplement with formula at different times and for different reasons. Honestly, breastfeeding my second child just about wrecked my mental health. I tried to switch him to formula many times starting around 3 months and he wouldn't take a bottle at that point even though he'd had many up to 6 weeks old. I felt so trapped and so... angry. I was angry at my infant. The last time I nursed him he was 11 months old and I decided he could switch to milk asap because nursing him was making me feel disgusted and angry... at my baby.

Meanwhile, I have a friend who is due this fall and has said from before she even got pregnant that she's going to formula feed... and I am SO PROUD OF HER. She knows what is right for her and she's doing it.

OP, I'm proud of you! You know what's best for you and you're doing it! Your baby will be getting everything they need - in a way that works for both of you.

Your husband may have his own feelings, and that's ok. It's not the last thing you guys will feel different about as a parenting team. However, you have total say on this one because it's YOUR BODY. Breastfeeding is incredibly challenging and there's nothing wrong with not doing it. If I ever have another baby, I will 100% formula feed from day 1 to make sure I never end up angry and resentful at a hungry baby again.

 

[rohanakumara]

@julius05 Wow, thank you for this comment. Especially the line about this not being the last thing we will disagree on when it comes to parenting. Puts it in perspective.

 

[md83]

@rohanakumara This thread has been really helpful for me, thank you

 

[greatestace]

@rohanakumara how about you are being very attached to the idea of him doing all night feedings?
what a pathetic jerk

 

[newday1]

@rohanakumara Totally understand the guilt. The small comments don’t help. I let go of my guilt long ago because I decided I had enough. I feel so much more free and light. Whilst I had my reasons for moving onto formula at a very early stage, I look back and now think even if my only reason for using formula was simply just that I didn’t want to breastfeed. That would be okay.

In saying that, I have no idea what your husband’s deal is…I don’t understand it. Why does he care so much? Im not sure. Might be worth having a discussion about it and letting him know that his comments are making you feel a lot of guilt and that you don’t need that. Crying for 2 days isn’t good for your health. Lots of hugs to you!

 

[butler]

@rohanakumara I had horrible guilt about not breast feeding which was compounded by giving birth at a baby friendly designated hospital. Shockingly, it was other people outside of my immediate family that gave me crap for it. Like my brother in law. My husband stepped in real quick though and put an end to it. Therapy helped immensely.

I highly suggest talking about this with a therapist or someone else who made this same decision (feel free to DM me!). I would also check to see if you are giving birth at a hospital with a “baby friendly” designation so that you can prepare yourself for your delivery. I would even maybe put “plans to use formula” in your birthing plan to save you a little bit of headache.

Remember-this is your baby. You already have motherly instincts. You know what’s best for your child. And being fed-no matter how they are fed-is what’s best.

I also want to add-I had a preemie and she only gained weight as quick as she did because she was on formula. Formula saved our baby and saved my sanity.

 

[blesseddove]

@rohanakumara I wish I could have made the decision to FF sooner. Bub had tongue and lip tie( no doc/LC would snip it - story for some other time ).
My baby was very happy and looking forward to having his bottle vs breast.. he started to gain weight and got on track with the growth curve.
He is happy and I am too! Infact we have bonded better since finishing our BF journey as he is more comfortable taking bottle than boob.

We are at solids age, and formula helps us stay on top of vitamin requirements. In terms of growth and milestones, he has hit all of them on time sometimes before.

Formula isn’t as bad as people proclaim. If you are happy, then you’ll be able to focus on baby and both would bond better! Your mental health is so much important for baby’s growth and development

 

[aamin]

@rohanakumara Easy for him to say

 

[amenradio]

@rohanakumara Men need to stop having the audacity to make comments like this.

 

[sonjohn]

@rohanakumara I think yr husband has a fetish. He doesn’t sound right

 

[groll2000]

@rohanakumara When it comes to feeding a baby there is no easy way out. Whether you are choosing to nurse, exclusively pump, combo feed or exclusively formula feed - it’s all super complicated. Ultimately what matters MOST is your well being and feeling confident and comfortable with your choice. Plus scientifically there is no long term benefits to breast milk in comparison to formula. I’ve looked into it a lot. And I exclusively pump breast milk, but I don’t believe the b/s of breast milk being “better” for baby. Pumping just works for me. But I’m on here for if and when it does not anymore.

 

[alittlechild]

@rohanakumara My baby is here because we worked with a surrogate (the best person on the planet, incidentally), and we formula feed. I was not about to try to induce lactation after 8 years of failed infertility treatments.
Our baby is thriving and happy! He loves his milkies. No matter what you choose, your baby will be fed and that's what it's all about. You do you, Mama.

 

[revdstephen]

@rohanakumara Really? Tell him that breastfeeding is a 10 hour job and you plan to breastfeed and do nothing else. So diaper change, entertaining baby, holding baby while baby sleeps will be done by him alone. And ofcourse cooking and cleaning. In one day he will himself start bottle feeding lol. Btw breastfed or bottlefed they are all going to be eating stuff of the floor !