I’m really struggling with guilt

[rohanakumara]

I made the decision long ago that breastfeeding isn’t for me, but the closer I get to my due date, the guiltier I feel. I cried for 2 days because of a comment my husband made about EFF not being “normal or natural”. He apologized after for his words and reaction. But he has been very attached to the idea of me breastfeeding and is having some trouble accepting my formula choice. He has not been pushy and has said many times he will support whatever I decide but I know he’s disappointed and it’s killing me inside.

How do you/did you deal with thoughts like, “I’m already not a good mom” or “I’m being selfish” or “I’m taking the easy way out”? It’s also hard not to feel like I don’t have a right to choose formula if I don’t at least try to breastfeed first.

Any kind thoughts and advice appreciated.

 

[leehop71]

@rohanakumara Make him sit quietly with you every time you pump, feed, or have to do anything breastfeeding related. This includes making him get up to feed the baby at night.

He’ll get over his ego real fast.

 

[amanda_forjesus]

@rohanakumara Honestly talking to my therapist has helped a bunch in talking through my choices (among other postpartum issues)!

Fed is best. You will be a good Mom.

 

[rohanakumara]

@amanda_forjesus Yes this is a no-brainer and not sure why I didn’t think about it. Thank you! I also wonder if this is something I could talk out with my doula.

 

[amanda_forjesus]

@rohanakumara This stuff is complicated and emotional. Therapist, doula, doctor-talk to everyone you can!

 

[thatdave]

@rohanakumara I made the decision not to breastfeed very early on. It’s something that I just personally could not do and I don’t regret it one single bit 13 months postpartum. I expressed some colostrum from 36-42 weeks and that was enough to feed my son for his first 5 days of life but then I switched to formula and he has always been thriving! He uses Kendamil classic and is using the toddler version now but he never had any issues. He has been 99th percentile since he was 4 weeks old and is still growing exponentially! He was sick one time when he was 4 months old we all got COVID but I had a booster done when I was pregnant so he was only sick for 2 days and it wasn’t anything serious!
If you think that breastfeeding isn’t going to work or that your mental couldn’t take it then just choose formula! Formula is still nutritionally complete and a wonderful option for baby! You are not being selfish because baby needs a happy healthy mom more than they need boobie milk!!
Postpartum is already such a tough experience, try to be gentle with yourself and know that you are doing what’s best for your whole family
Also don’t let people guilt you into believing you won’t bond with baby if you don’t BF because that’s BS!! My son is the sweetest most loving little toddler ever It has nothing to do with BF and everything to do with the love you show them every day!!

 

[robertnethromik]

@rohanakumara If your husband is so attached to the idea of breastfeeding he is welcome to try. I don’t understand these men who think they can make decisions about our bodies.

My husband was elated I formula fed because it meant he could feed the baby too. They bonded so much during bottles.

 

[zech1210]

@robertnethromik My husband got to feed our son his first bottle! I have the sweetest picture of them.

I always schill for Emily Oster's book "Cribsheet". It takes a data driven look at the benefits of breastfeeding so you can look at all the evidence and make your own decision. I was really certain I didn't want to breastfeed and I did research even before we started trying to get pregnant, looking for evidence that I would be doing my baby a disservice if I didn't breastfeed. She helped me feel confident in my gut feeling for formula, and I'm really happy that's what we've done.

 

[tristatelady]

@rohanakumara My husband and I didn’t really know much about formula in the beginning. We transitioned to formula due to a bad allergic reaction on my baby’s skin, at around 8 weeks. Initially, it was supposed to be temporary, until the allergens cleared from my breastmilk, and I was pumping like crazy to keep a supply for when we went back to BF. Unfortunately I developed a bad case of mastitis in the meantime.

After a few days of formula, my husband quickly became pro-formula. He loved that he could make me a gin and tonic whenever I looked like I could use one, that I could take one of my medicines again, that we could just bring a bottle on the go, and that for any feeding he could give the bottle. He looks at our son who is thriving and is like “why would we ever waste our time with that again, bring on the lab milk”. We gave up on BF at that point.

I’m not sure that every guy would feel this way, but perhaps give him a little time to change his mind. Maybe have him peruse this subreddit and discuss your many valid reasons together.

 

[soccer2k14]

@rohanakumara The way I get over it is by constantly reminding myself of something my grandmother told me: "In a few short years, he'll be in kindergarten playing on the playground with all the other kids and no one will know or care which kids were breastfed and which kids were formula fed."

I still struggle with guilt and had to pack up and hide my pump supplies because I got emotional every time I looked at them. But my grandmother is totally right. This feels so important to us right now while our babies are living off milk... but it's going to feel less and less important as they get bigger.

I also justify it by looking at my crappy diet. Like do I really want my baby to eat these mcdonalds French fries? What about this cup of coffee? Is it really natural for him to drink my milk when I eat processed food and have 34 years of microplastics floating around in my bloodstream? Lol but seriously remind yourself of the pros. My baby is getting older and will probably start teething soon. Nothing makes me happier with my formula feeding decision than imagining my baby recklessly chowing down on my boob with a few teeth in his mouth. Weaning off the bottle is probably easier too. You can throw out all the bottles in the house when you're ready to wean but your boobs stay firmly attached to you as a terrible reminder to your toddler of the thing he or she can't have.

But yeah I still feel guilty sometimes but my baby couldn't care less. I just keep telling myself someday it won't matter. My husband wanted me to breastfeed and made a comment when we were combo feeding that I should breastfeed more. I just told him honestly how hard it was for me and how bad I already felt and he stopped. (Through tears too but that wasn't intentional) talk to your husband about how you're feeling and I'm sure he will understand too and come around to formula feeding. My husband was very emotional the first time he got to feed our son too because it's such a bonding thing for dads too!

When I started formula I would take my shirt off and bottle feed skin to skin. A lot of the benefits of breastfeeding come from the skin to skin contact and not the actual milk itself. Especially the bonding which was the thing I enjoyed most about breastfeeding anyway.

 

[praskovia]

@rohanakumara For context, I’m currently pregnant after infertility with our IVF baby. I was trying to explain to someone at work why I wasn’t going to breastfeed (they asked) but they just kept on trying to respond and push me to change my mind or keep my options open and finally I got mad and said “I’ve done enough”. While that feels particularly true after IVF and now going through pregnancy I think that’ll be helpful here and is a good mantra to have. The world constantly makes us seem like we have to make this perfect choice and if we don’t we’re selfish or failing but that’s not realistic. It’s impossible to do everything and make everyone happy. Just remember you’re already doing the best you can and you’re doing enough no matter which path you choose. I’m sure your spouse means well but he’s just not considering the toll it takes on you. I think the only reason mine has is because I was incredibly depressed during infertility and it scared him. Now he’s very cognizant of mental health and stress. I think postpartum your spouse will realize that it truly doesn’t matter how the baby is fed and healthy parents are just as important as a healthy baby. Hang in there!

 

[butler]

@praskovia fellow IVF mom and had the same feelings. was burnt out after 3 miscarriages and 2 egg retrieval. Just couldn’t fathom breast feeding or pumping. My daughter ended up being a preemie and I’m so glad I was open to formula from the very beginning bc it is truly what saved her (and my mental sanity and physical well being after an emergency C)

 

[praskovia]

@butler I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels that way! Mental sanity is everything! You and through a lot, C section and preemie probably added so much to an already stressful time. Definitely another reason for me to add to the list, you never know how birth will be. No way to plan for that lol, If only!

 

[butler]

@praskovia It’s so hard!! If you need to talk, feel free to DM me! I just gave birth in May so I am very much in the thick of it still

 

[thedavedave]

@rohanakumara Good for you for knowing what you need - that is being a great mom.

 

[robderron]

@rohanakumara Ask him to lactate and breastfeed, if he’s so disappointed.

 

[katrina2017]

@rohanakumara Why is he attached to the idea of you breastfeeding? That seems odd to me. Did his on mother go on and on about how she breastfed him and said a bunch of stuff? Does he have this weird fetish where seeing you BF your kid turns him on? Idk, it just seems weird to me. My husband never cared because he’s not the one that has to do it.

 

[rohanakumara]

@katrina2017 I think for two reasons. 1. He feels like nature is providing what the baby needs so why would I want to go against that. And 2. Breastfeeding is really all he’s ever been exposed to. His mom breastfed all his siblings and all his siblings have now breastfed their children. To him it seems like this is what everybody does.

 

[jcthesword]

@rohanakumara

1. That is a blatant misapplication of natural selection. "Nature" doesn't care if individual babies live or die, only population-level survival. It is normal and expected that, in the absence of interventions such as formula, babies would either be wet nursed by relatives/community members, suffer severe malnourishment, or die if their mother was unable to produce. That's not even getting into all the ways that breastfeeding can diminish a nursing parent's mental health and quality of life until the baby is weened.
2. Just because something is common in his particular circle doesn't mean that "everybody" does it. In the U.S., only about half of the infant population receives any breastmilk at all, with less than a quarter receiving exclusively breastmilk (CDC link). By a month postpartum, about a quarter of babies are exclusively formula fed, and that number continues to increase over time for many reasons (mental/physical health, lack of paid parental leave/childcare, convenience, and more).

 

[ranked]

@rohanakumara I mean, nothing humans do is really in line with “nature.” We have advanced medicine to treat or cure every ailment known to man. We have corrective lenses for people who can’t see. We have vitamins to supplement any deficiencies we might have. Formula is just another one of MANY societal advancements that helps us live better lives. It contains everything your baby needs to grow and thrive without the countless detriments to your body and mental health.

If “nature is providing what we need and why go against that,” why doesn’t he only eat vegetables he grows in his own garden and meat from his own hunt?