I’m OAD, hubby isn’t and that’s okay

[soosh8005]

@godslawismylaw First time I told my wife “go.” Some people were surprised. Some of her friends invited her out for a couple nights away, she was hesitant (understandably), but had to be like “I got this.” It wasn’t easy, but I’m a better man and parent for it. - Dad needs to be able to handle business. It also helps with perspective. It’s a whole new world when you’re on your own.

Either way, thanks for sharing your story, no judgement from me! Be well OAD fam.

 

[druusky82]

@godslawismylaw Wow it’s like you picked my brain apart and shared every thought I have about being OAD! I’m absolutely OAD but my partner is definitely not and brushes it off everytime I mention it and says we’ll have more. My baby is 5m old and somewhat of a ‘unicorn baby’ but my pregnancy was hard, it took 3 years to fall pregnant, I have a number of chronic health issues and chronic pain, I have terrible PPA/D that I’m currently seeing a psychologist for and have been given medication that I’m not too keen on starting yet as I take other meds for my chronic health issues that can make me drowsy, my partner is gone 16hrs a day doing shift work so I’m essentially like a single mother (when he’s home on the weekend he helps out and is such an amazing hands on daddy!) but I’m so burnt out, in pain, mentally struggling and I cannot do this again.

As I get my baby to sleep for the night I sometimes think ‘imagine having another child I need to get ready for bed?’ And I get filled with anxiety and I’m literally repulsed at the thought! All the mental load is on me, making sure everything is bought for our baby, cooking, cleaning etc all on me and I can only give so much.

I love my sweet baby I truly do but god am I so done! I know my limits and there are days I can’t give my sweet baby 100% due to my health, imagine throwing in another child?! That’s just unfair on the child and me. My parents help me during the week even if it’s just an hour a day so I can sort myself out and they’re going overseas next week for 6 weeks and I’m so anxious that my ‘village’ is gone and I’ll do this solo. Just know I feel you big time x

 

[godslawismylaw]

@druusky82 Wow 16 hours a day is rough
I feel like knowing one’s limits is crucial and I’d hate to be a different type of parent than what I am right now and right now although I’m tired sometimes and sometimes overwhelmed (although it’s gotten easier with time) I don’t want to be mad or frustrated all the time.

 

[druusky82]

@godslawismylaw Sorry for the late reply! I had some surgery and was so spaced from my procedure.

Oh it absolutely is rough! He does one week day shift, one week night shift and it’s so hard and he gives so much to our little family I feel so truly blessed but I won’t lie, I am envious of families where dad is home by 5-6:00pm helping with night time routine (helping clear the table, bath, bottle etc) but his long hours and sacrifice help us maintain me being SAHM and I don’t need to go back to work once my maternity leave is up so I know how truly fortunate we are but yeah, huge effing sacrifice!

I definitely know my limits now that my baby is here, again I feel envious of parents who can have 2-3 kids and manage so well and wonder what’s essentially wrong with me but I also know a lot of those families have both parents helping each day of the week and aren’t as sick with chronic health issues/chronic pain (and heck, I won’t lie, as mentally ill lol) as I am.

I know I can give the world to my baby I don’t think I could ever do that with another child thrown in the mix. I feel like I’m still finding my feet and my baby is almost 6m old so there is a light at the end of the tunnel it’s just a little far off still haha!

 

[gone]

@godslawismylaw I literally could have written most of this except for the way husband feels about being OAD. My husband would like a second one however he is supportive of my decision to be OAD and he understands the way I feel about pregnancy and labor and having a whole other human to care for. Sometimes the conversation does come up but never in a form of argument or anything like that. We are more than happy with our daughter and she is honestly more than I could have ever ask for, she is perfect . Hopefully he will come around eventually and realize he doesn’t need another child to feel fulfilled.

 

[phydaux]

@godslawismylaw Plan a night away so your husband is the sole carer. Nothing flicks the “they are easy” switch like having to actually care for a little one.

My parents kept on pushing us to have more until I let them have the privilege of seeing what LO is like for a few days in a row. They never mentioned “have another” ever again.

 

[godslawismylaw]

@phydaux I wish! Unfortunately baby is EBF and nurses to sleep, never took a bottle or pacifier so I’m kinda with her all the time and I’m just waiting until she’s older and we can wean and THEN lol he will learn.

 

[carleyk]

@godslawismylaw I am very happy with one, my husband went from being one and done to being okay with more. But in the end, he knows most things fall to me because he is very busy with work. So unless birth control fails, we are done.

 

[maryanne76]

@godslawismylaw My husband is a SAHD and the default parent and I’m still OAD. he wants another one and I’ve been told— if he does the lion’s share, just go on and have another one. But just because he does most of it, doesn’t mean he does all of it. I’m not comfortable not participating as much as possible. And there’s still finances to consider which is mostly on my side of the street. I’d be lying if I said i didn’t feel guilty though. He’s an amazing dad and it’s obviously the best thing that’s ever happened to him. I wish motherhood came as naturally and gracefully to me. Which is wild because I was a nanny for over a decade. It’s complicated I guess.

 

[godslawismylaw]

@maryanne76 Ah that is interesting, idk if I’d feel the same if my husband was the default parent. However motherhood is very different than being a nanny. I’m good with kids and adore my nephews and nieces and have a blast with them but I loved giving them back to their parents and living my own life. Now as a parent, I’m the one that gets handed the kid when they’re crying or upset. Very different.

 

[maryanne76]

@godslawismylaw Yes. And it’s the mental load which nearly crushed me postpartum. Her entire life would flash before my eyes and I was plagued by fears about each stage— how to best provide for her, make sure we can afford the best schools, the extracurriculars she desired, etc etc.
I did 50-60 hour weeks as a nanny and often felt like a single parent. But not once did I have to worry about providing for the child, budgeting, making sure my retirement is in good shape so I’m not a burden to her etc etc etc.

 

[kingdomkings]

@godslawismylaw Totally understandable. Another kid seems easy when you aren’t the adult in the room/relationship.

 

[godslawismylaw]

@kingdomkings Yeah I know he takes care of a lot too that is adult stuff (mortgage, insurance, finances) but just not the parent stuff.

 

[bezukhov]

@godslawismylaw I wasn’t that fussed on having one, and much like you would have been ok if we couldn’t conceive.
We did, and our son is now 16 months old.

I am very thankful for that and he’s incredible, and we absolutely adore having him, but for similar reasons, more than one is just not what either of us want.

I too had an easy pregnancy, great birth (planned c section) and recovery. He was a dream baby… really content, happy, slept well, ate well. Just a total unicorn. So people tend to assume that we’d want to just do that again!

And I’ll be completely honest, I did seriously contemplate it there for a while when he was about 5 months old. He was sleeping through the night, lots of smiles, laughs and was just a happy, easy little potato.

Toddlerhood was something else
Don’t get me wrong, still pretty good and normal stuff, nothing out of the ordinary. But it makes you realise that the difficulty level does go up with increased ability to move, testing boundaries & those big feelings that come and go at a rapid rate.

We are both very content with just having one!

I think your reasoning is sound & your approach to your husbands’ feelings on it is sensible too. You can only control your own feelings and he isn’t experiencing the full weight of parenting a child as it is, let alone adding another to the mix.

He can want another as much as he likes, but you’re where you are and he isn’t offering up any evidence that the experience would change if you did have a second, by way of mental load, taking on work & giving up hobbies to lighten the load on you. He’s not even altering how it works with your only child now!

I don’t know if there’s much more you can say or do to change how he views this, but he’s also not changing how you view it either.

 

[godslawismylaw]

@bezukhov Wow thank you! This was very eloquently said.

 

[tadhg]

@godslawismylaw Don’t worry, once she turns 2 and then 3 it’s gonna be a lot easier to make your point lmao. It’s not going to get any easier in the coming years. That said, the stages are still very rewarding.

 

[iloveeagles]

@godslawismylaw I have 6-year-old and we are OAD. I am getting baby fever though, because 5-6 is a wonderful age and I am greedy for more, but it's probably not going to happen. Anyway, if what you need at this stage is to *know* that you are OAD - by all means. My only caution is I wish I had held that a little looser, so I could actively re-assess at different points, instead of considering it a final decision. I still think we would have done the same thing, but truth is babies and toddlers are HARD and not everybody does well with it (we didn't at all). But while I disagree that kids grow up "fast", they do grow up nonetheless, and everything changes all the time. Just give yourself grace and let yourself wallow sometimes, without needing to make any final decisions. Again, I am pretty happily OAD, I just think that can sometimes be a coping mechanism that turns into an identity. It's ok to say it for now and change your mind later. And YOU have the final say because it's your body and yes, you are holding more than your husband. So much love and care to you during this wonderful, difficult, confusing, sweet, boring, exhausting, once-in-a-lifetime moment.

 

[fire1]

@godslawismylaw In ny opinion its no one else's business. If you want one thats perfectly okay.

I'm OAD but we are closer to the 2 year mark and its becoming more of a question it was at 8 Months. I had a traumatic post birth experience in the hospital and the PDD.

Take your time and enjoy your baby. Don't rush to make a decision if you don't want to. Plus its recommended to wait two years before getting pregnant anyway.

When im done with nursing school me and my husband talked. We would have 2 years after to make up our mind. If we still can't decide we will have unprotected for 4 months. If it happens it happens- if not then it won't.

I know that might sound crazy to some but, thats just for us- and thats what matters.

 

[godslawismylaw]

@fire1 Definitely! This conversation will be discussed again I’m sure as time passes.
Do what works for you and your husband, it’s your lives and you’re the ones that have to live through them so you’re right, no one else can decide for us.

 

[katrina2017]

@godslawismylaw Do you have any nieces or nephews that you could take for a weekend to experience what it would be like to have more than one? I saw this on another post. Dad wanted more kids, mom was OAD. After a weekend of 2-3 kids, he swiftly decided he was OAD.