Husband Woes

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chris_2011

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Hello there!

Long time lurker, first time posting. I really love that this sub exists :)

I'll try and make this as 'to the point' as possible but I have a feeling this could be long. First off, My husband (32) and I (28) have been together for 8 years, married for 1.5 years. I am very ready to start trying, and have had baby fever since early this year. My husband says he wants kids, but has always said "I'm not ready". We both have good paying full time jobs, insurance, a new house with plenty of space, tons of support from family and friends etc.

We FINALLY come to a compromise to start trying next year, and I get an abnormal pap a few weeks ago. That lead to a colposcopy, which lead to pre cancer cells on my cervix and a referral to an oncologist for a cone biopsy with instructions to hold off on having kids. Cue the devastation.

Fast forward to my oncology appt, good news, my cervix isn't as bad as we thought, and we are going to recheck again in 4 months to decide what to do but they are hopeful it will go away on its own. Told me there is no need to hold off on getting pregnant. Great! I'm thinking we really dodged a bullet here, we should start trying sooner in case I have issues later on. However, my husband wants no part of it.

95% of his decisions are financially based and he is definitely not an emotional person. He wants us to have more money, he wants x, y, and z paid before hand, money for a college fund, etc. So naturally we are at odds with this. His reasoning always is money related but we do just fine.

For those of you still reading, thanks for letting me vent :) I'm just sad and frustrated because I feel like he will never be ready. /endrant

TLDR: I had a health scare, want to start trying sooner than planned, husband wants no part of it because he wants to be more financially prepared. I'm sad.
 
@chris_2011 That's a tricky situation. Perhaps try speaking his language. As in, describe what fertility treatments are likely to cost if you unduly delay having kids and then require them.
 
@matilda333 Gonna have to try that. Already used the "good tax return if you have the baby before the year is up" discussion. It perked him up enough to plan on next year. But that's as far as I got.
 
@chris_2011 In the same vein, for health insurance, it's useful to have the whole pregnancy in the same fiscal year so you meet your deductible quickly. I know plans have different start dates (mine's October) but if yours lines up, it could be a good "logical" kind of reason.
 
@chris_2011 My partner is the same- I nailed him to exact figures, worked out a plan and made him stick to it. He wants to move the goal posts but I'm not having it. He qualified that financially stable was x, we are at x now so this is my last month on the pill.

The other side to getting an exact figure and sitting down to plan it out means you get a clear picture of when you'd possibly start - and therefore when you'd possibly finish. Saying 'if we stick to this plan to get to x, and if we were lucky to get pregnant right away, you will be 42 when our eldest starts primary school' or something like that usually brings it home for them.

Separately - I cannot believe how many guys seem to believe that trying = we have a baby straight away. I have had to remind my partner multiple times that we would be lucky to have a baby a year after we start trying.
 
@virtuouswife2324 This is a really good idea actually. He's a numbers and spreadsheets guy. I'll try this for sure. I think he will really respond more to that. Here's hoping he doesn't have some crazy unattainable goal LOL

My husband thinks that it will happen right away as well. He thinks I make it up that it takes time to get it right. After all these years of trying not to get pregnant, how do we know that we even can? He keeps saying "you say on average it takes x amount of cycles, but we could get it on the first try" and I'm like- well I hope I get that lucky!!
 
@chris_2011 Completely understand. I always remind my hubby that if we had waited till in his words was "financially stable", we would never have had two beautiful children right now.

Both times I pushed for it. Both times he said he would rather we were financially stable. Obviously I didn't listen. When our kids were born was when he realised he was ready all along and that financially things would settle as time went on.

I guess in my situation it was lucky hubby didn't resist as much. Although there were fights, I wasn't going to back down. Due to me being in my 30s.
 
@katrina2017 I know he will be the same way once we have a baby. That's how he is with every major decision. Resistance and then ends up happy with the end result.

But he's being so resistant as to make sure he's using protection of some sort. It's upsetting cause it basically means there's barely any hope of it happening on its own.
 
@katrina2017 Not to be too TMI .. LOL but he is so scared to get me pregnant at the 'wrong time' that he either A) won't come near me, B) wear a condom or C) strategically hold it in until he can be far enough away from me to finish up. The more I read it it the more insane it sounds LOL
 
@chris_2011 I think a lot of men don't realize it takes time to grow a baby. They think "Omg we aren't financially ready right now." Well it can take months to even get pregnant and then 9 months to actually grow the child.

Have you talked to him about what specifically he wants paid down? See if he'd be willing to compromise and start trying 6-9 months before you both estimate those goals being completed.

And I think it's silly to start a college plan before kids are even here. You should fully fund retirement first. Kids can take loans to go to college. You can't take loans for retirement. Just food for thought.
 
@lailoved This is a good plan - I always feel unsure of what exactly he expects to have completed by then. When I ask generically why he feels unready financially he keeps saying he needs a higher paying job -_- ill sit him down and see what exactly he wants.

And yes I agree about the college fund. I think so talked him down from that. It's a little crazy.
 
@chris_2011 Finding out what exactly he's wanting done and making a plan will keep him to the plan and will keep him from creating new things to do to push off having kids.
 
@chris_2011 Your DH is me. My DH is ready to go, and I was, until it became real and now I want x, y, and z paid off first and so much in savings, etc. But I also feel the frustration that we'll never get there, only I'm the one putting down those rules. It's all very confusing, but I hope you and your DH can talk it out and maybe come up with a comprise :)
 
@meriposa We talked about it a little yesterday and I asked him what all he wanted done before we start trying. He surprised me a bit and said he just wanted my credit cards paid off. Which I've already been throwing any money I can at them so I'm not too far away. Of course now I'm trying to scrounge up extra money and trying to sell things like a crazy person to get it done sooner. :D
 
@chris_2011 Just wanted to wish you luck with your health concerns! I'm experiencing the same and have actually decided to put off my colposcopy until after my honeymoon because I'm terrified of the results.
 
@ggie Thank you!! And good luck to you as well- its really scary, especially because it takes a week or two to get results. This was my third colposcopy and my first time getting bad results. If this is your first and you have any questions let me know :) also congrats on getting married and enjoy your honeymoon :D
 
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