aegisheart
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@solvalou44 My husband would divorce me.
How to support a gifted child?
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@aegisheart It'd take more to be rid of me.
samlovesjesus
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@aegisheart There was a very powerful post in
a while back. The comment section was very enlightening.
My take away from it was, make sure your child spends a lot of time around peers their own age no matter what you do for their education. You want them dating and hanging out with people their own age. Also, make sure they learn how to work hard and develop good study habits, and most importantly make sure they have strong executive function. Executive function is not related to intelligence at all and a lot of “gifted” kids are sorely lacking in it.
a while back. The comment section was very enlightening.
My take away from it was, make sure your child spends a lot of time around peers their own age no matter what you do for their education. You want them dating and hanging out with people their own age. Also, make sure they learn how to work hard and develop good study habits, and most importantly make sure they have strong executive function. Executive function is not related to intelligence at all and a lot of “gifted” kids are sorely lacking in it.
@samlovesjesus Fair warning, it's very very sad.
aegisheart
New member
@samlovesjesus Wow, that was a difficult read. Poor girl was failed by so many people and was not prepared for how life can throw curveballs at you. I hope she does heal from this and protects her daughter, too.
Fortunately, my husband and I have been together for a long time, in good times and bad, in sickness, too. Hopefully, we can model a good relationship to our children and not implode.
Fortunately, my husband and I have been together for a long time, in good times and bad, in sickness, too. Hopefully, we can model a good relationship to our children and not implode.
@aegisheart I wouldn't call my kiddo gifted. I was and hated the label personally, and it caused a lot of issues for me. However in terms of the challenges approach, and getting kids used to struggling and working at it, I would suggest two things.
- Absolutely encourage them to work at something, even if it's hard. Think of long game activities that require skill building, have obstacles and require effort. Learning to do something yourself even if you fail the first time. Our son wanted to learn to build his own magnetic ball run, so we did a gradual release of responsibility (basically doing less and less each time until they are taking it on independently). The first 10 he built were terrible, they would fall over, ball wouldn't run. When he got frustrated we were thoughtful in making truthful statements about his work. So things like, "I can see there's a tall tower here and the balls are getting caught at the bottom". Encourage their inner problem solving voice.
- Board games and card games. So many things were easy for our kiddo he developed a real inability to lose. So we started playing games. We've taught him Go Fish, Dominoes, Guess Who, Uno etc. It's good strategy and problem solving, nice way to spend time together. But the biggest and best thing is it provides a low buy in way to practice winning and losing. Also it's started some good discussions about how something's you can do everything right and you still lose. Life is like that too and it's a good lesson to learn! Were going to start with checkers next!
@berik Your second point is dead on, and more eloquent than I would have put it. I wish more parents would play these low stakes games with their kids (all kids, not just gifted) as it builds resilience and teaches them how to lose without something big riding on it. I'm in Recreation and I can't count how many kids can not handle 'losing' in any way shape or form. Teaching them that it's ok to be tagged it, lose a checker or not win every hand of cards is huge in terms of getting along with their peers. Plus it helps build resilience for later in life.
aegisheart
New member
@berik Thank you for the tips! We do loads of games, because covid, lockdowns, quarantine, and now bad weather. Loosing though, is a huge issue we're sometimes too tired to tackle. Other times not or we find compromises (e.g. "I don't want to play if you make me lose, you can play alone and I'll be next to you." - "OK", proceeds to play alone).
The toddler pendulum of "I want to do it" has swung to "I don't want to be given a choice and think about it" recently, so (1) is either just not possible at the moment or his perfectionism and fear of failure are getting in the way. I might press pause on that for a month or so and see where we are then.
The toddler pendulum of "I want to do it" has swung to "I don't want to be given a choice and think about it" recently, so (1) is either just not possible at the moment or his perfectionism and fear of failure are getting in the way. I might press pause on that for a month or so and see where we are then.
@aegisheart Your kid sounds a lot like me growing up. I was (and am) highly sensitive, in “gifted” programs, and often seen as older/more mature for my age because of a precocious vocabulary. I also most likely have undiagnosed ADHD.
I hated doing things I couldn’t succeed at immediately, and as I got older that was unintentionally reinforced when I would get praised for being smart, doing things right/well, etc.
I wish my parents/teachers had praised effort instead of achievement. The book Mindset by Carol Dweck gave me language for this. Essentially, by praising the things that came easily, it reinforced the idea that I should just be good at stuff, instead of teaching me to value the effort it takes to learn something new. Even now, I have to remind myself that it takes work to grow in some areas.
I’m trying to implement this with my toddler by praising him for working hard at things, learning new things, and trying again when he doesn’t succeed at first. Part of this is retraining myself to focus on the effort he’s putting forth instead of how well he does something.
I hated doing things I couldn’t succeed at immediately, and as I got older that was unintentionally reinforced when I would get praised for being smart, doing things right/well, etc.
I wish my parents/teachers had praised effort instead of achievement. The book Mindset by Carol Dweck gave me language for this. Essentially, by praising the things that came easily, it reinforced the idea that I should just be good at stuff, instead of teaching me to value the effort it takes to learn something new. Even now, I have to remind myself that it takes work to grow in some areas.
I’m trying to implement this with my toddler by praising him for working hard at things, learning new things, and trying again when he doesn’t succeed at first. Part of this is retraining myself to focus on the effort he’s putting forth instead of how well he does something.
aegisheart
New member
@73552 Thank you for your perspective. There seems to be a huge overlap between ADHD and giftedness. I see this a lot in academic circles.
I've commented elsewhere that we try (and I often fail) to praise effort more than achievement, but unfortunately both sides of the family fawn over our brilliant genius, setting ever higher expectations. This is spilling over to our newborn somewhat
I've commented elsewhere that we try (and I often fail) to praise effort more than achievement, but unfortunately both sides of the family fawn over our brilliant genius, setting ever higher expectations. This is spilling over to our newborn somewhat
@aegisheart Ugh, that’s so hard - both that extended family have high expectations and that it’s spilling over to the newborn. I hope they chill out a bit soon - I’m sure they don’t get how detrimental that fawning can be to a small child.
aegisheart
New member
@aegisheart My #1 advice is to find a therapist who specializes in gifted children, for *you* to start going to. Conversations about precocious/gifted children can be really sensitive. You need to be able to speak with someone who won't judge you, who won't make you feel like you're bragging, who has your *and* your child's best interest at heart.
Having said that:
Having said that:
- Get him involved in household activities. Have him help with cooking, laundry, making grocery lists, sorting mail, etc. This was advice from a therapist and it was spot-on. It creates routines, grounds the child in priorities other than learning and academic pursuits, and sets them up for habits that often fall by the wayside in gifted children.
- Send him outside as much as possible. Build a love and appreciation for nature. Let him tinker and engage his scientific mind by seeing how sticks can fit together to make a fort. Let him get his clothes dirty and learn that it's OK to fall off a log and get back on. Teach him to be bored! To slow down and listen to what is going on around him.
- Have puzzles, books, etc. around the house and let him engage with them at his own pace and whenever he's interested, within reason (e.g. not during dinnertime).
- Treat him with trust and respect and he will respect and trust himself. This goes to your question # 6 as well. Treating someone like an adult means trusting them. If he's hypersensitive to noise, get him over-ear protectors. If he wants to start or stop an activity, let him. Make him feel capable of making decisions and support the consequences of those decisions as long as he stays safe.
aegisheart
New member
@jilliang I don't think we can afford a therapist right now, both in terms of time and money. I'd love to though, because you are right: we have no one to speak to about this.
- We already do this, yay!
- He's outside a lot, but with winter coming this will become an issue. He's not good with being bored either, but so was I, so thankfully we're never out of games to play. But yes, independent play doesn't happen much at home.
- We have so many books and games, partially because I like them but also because of covid lockdowns with a small child.
- This is a bit more tricky as we do trust him but he can be mischievous (not necessarily a bad thing and very age appropriate but as a parent I feel like I shouldn't encourage it too much). Ear protection is met with firm rejection. He's also flip-flopping on making decisions for himself and currently we must make most of them (his choice haha). This probably has to do with his fear of underperforming but maybe that's normal? We definitely don't treat him like an adult but a child 2-3 years older. I feel very bad about that.
katrina2017
New member
@aegisheart You haven't specified what you think makes him "gifted" but hyperlexia (early reading) is present in about half of kids with autism.
My son was hyperlexic and also advanced in maths when he was younger. It turns out he was autistic and now he's pretty much behind or at grade level because his emotional lability means he can't cope with learning because he isn't resilient at all.
Both intellect and grit are required for doing well in school, and you need both to be actually gifted. If you only have one, you might be disabled rather than gifted.
I would hold off on thinking of him as "gifted" at this stage. It puts a lot of expectations his hypersensitive and emotional lability might mean he won't be able to meet.
My son was hyperlexic and also advanced in maths when he was younger. It turns out he was autistic and now he's pretty much behind or at grade level because his emotional lability means he can't cope with learning because he isn't resilient at all.
Both intellect and grit are required for doing well in school, and you need both to be actually gifted. If you only have one, you might be disabled rather than gifted.
I would hold off on thinking of him as "gifted" at this stage. It puts a lot of expectations his hypersensitive and emotional lability might mean he won't be able to meet.
aegisheart
New member
@katrina2017 I don't like to list his accomplishments because that usually puts people off or starts a competition - things I'd like to avoid. Reading and maths are part of it, but not the whole story.
Autism and ADHD are things I've brought up a few times at milestone assessments because a few behaviors could indicate that. So far all feedback was that there's nothing that is outside of the norm for his age, but that's a broad range for toddlers. Feel free to ignore this question, but how was your son's autism diagnosed?
We kind of alternate between praising him for what he has learned (trying to focus on the process rather than accomplishment) and treating what he does as normal. On the one hand, we want him to be proud and confident, as he lacks confidence. On the other, we want to avoid what you're cautioning against.
Autism and ADHD are things I've brought up a few times at milestone assessments because a few behaviors could indicate that. So far all feedback was that there's nothing that is outside of the norm for his age, but that's a broad range for toddlers. Feel free to ignore this question, but how was your son's autism diagnosed?
We kind of alternate between praising him for what he has learned (trying to focus on the process rather than accomplishment) and treating what he does as normal. On the one hand, we want him to be proud and confident, as he lacks confidence. On the other, we want to avoid what you're cautioning against.
blessedbythebest88
New member
@aegisheart I was told I was gifted when I was around 4 years old and I started first grade at 5. I learned quickly and got bored easily.
However, my mother did not wanted to keep making me skip grades because I was already having a tough time socially being the youngest of first grade. Instead she came up with a plan, she basically thought me how to teach myself new stuff and be able to tolerate boredom and waiting.
She let my teachers know that I would have additional materials (which my mom provided) to practice more advanced math for example and asked them to allow me to work on my own on my desk. I was still required to answer questions about the topic being taught at the moment and get tested on it so it was not as if I was fully disconnected from the class. I had to learn to balance those 2 things going on.
As I moved up and things got more complex, I was not so far removed from the class teachings. Once I was in high school and college I would just go more in depth about the topic touched in class instead for learning something more advanced. I felt basically normal.
I appreciate this approach because I had very strong emotions too which made social life hard enough.
Also, it helped me be more self directed and I still have that skill to this day, although I feel very middle of the road in terms of skill now. Finally, the label of gifted was very burdensome so I was happy to let it go as I grew older. The pressure was incredible once an adult learned I was gifted and the other kids hated me because their parents would compare us.
However, my mother did not wanted to keep making me skip grades because I was already having a tough time socially being the youngest of first grade. Instead she came up with a plan, she basically thought me how to teach myself new stuff and be able to tolerate boredom and waiting.
She let my teachers know that I would have additional materials (which my mom provided) to practice more advanced math for example and asked them to allow me to work on my own on my desk. I was still required to answer questions about the topic being taught at the moment and get tested on it so it was not as if I was fully disconnected from the class. I had to learn to balance those 2 things going on.
As I moved up and things got more complex, I was not so far removed from the class teachings. Once I was in high school and college I would just go more in depth about the topic touched in class instead for learning something more advanced. I felt basically normal.
I appreciate this approach because I had very strong emotions too which made social life hard enough.
Also, it helped me be more self directed and I still have that skill to this day, although I feel very middle of the road in terms of skill now. Finally, the label of gifted was very burdensome so I was happy to let it go as I grew older. The pressure was incredible once an adult learned I was gifted and the other kids hated me because their parents would compare us.
apostolic1
New member
@blessedbythebest88 Wow, that was such a great idea on her part!
blessedbythebest88
New member
@apostolic1 It helped that I had an older brother so I used his past materials. My brother was smart but not gifted and my mom was very good at highlighting his qualities, which I did not have. We both had our strengths and weaknesses.
One thing I should mention is that she did require me that I was the first of the class every term. I hated this then but now I see that it helped me stay engaged with the class and it was useful going forward for scholarships and stuff.
One thing I should mention is that she did require me that I was the first of the class every term. I hated this then but now I see that it helped me stay engaged with the class and it was useful going forward for scholarships and stuff.
joyfulnoise25
New member
@blessedbythebest88 This is a great solution. I would def want to keep a 5 year old in kindergarten and moving along with peers for the socialization and emotional development which is equally as important as academics.