How to support a gifted child?

[ernestservant]

@aegisheart In what ways do y’all treat him as if he’s 5?

Also: former gifted kid here. I highly recommend having him (if he tests “gifted”) join some sort of gifted program. It helped me a LOT to be with other kids I related to; I sometimes felt like an alien in normal classes. I was in gifted classes once a week in a few grades, and full time in other grades, depending on what my school offered, and both were great. I’ve also read that it decreases the risk of depression in gifted kids to have them in gifted programs, because otherwise they’re so different from their classmates. Almost all of my best friends are gifted even if we didn’t meet through school; we just relate better to each other.

Ender’s Game is a fantastic science fiction book from the perspective of a very intelligent child, and a LOT of gifted people find it incredibly relatable and validating. I’d read that just for perspective.

 

[aegisheart]

@ernestservant I guess we forget and expect more emotional maturity and less testing boundaries. If he does regular 3 y/o things are we're tired, we can be too strict (still gentle parenting as much as sleep deprivation allows). I'm working on that a lot.

There is an after school program for gifted children in our town and it's even listed on the government's flyers BUT their website hasn't been online in months.

Sci-fi book added to reading queue.

 

[valentina13888]

@aegisheart Saying this with gentleness and kindness (as an overachiever type A who was gifted and talented per state assessments, went to an elite school and grad school, top of my classes, all formal metrics, etc.)— let your kid be a kid. The best thing you can do is let their own curiosity propel their knowledge and boredom can be great for ruminating on deep and complex issues).

Obviously make sure his education isn’t sub standard but please please do not start enrolling him in extracurriculars for no reason—there is a reason Einstein was able to develop his theory of relativity as a parent clerk. Young (and your kid is YOUNG like he may be advanced in color sorting but that’s not the same as some sort of rain man solving math proofs) kids need time and space to play and explore and learn soft social cues.

You’re doing the right thing trying to set your child up as best as you can but I think you also may be feeling some pressure to act?

Tldr: let your child lead. Boredom and play and having peers you get along with matter a lot for development.

 

[tommytrant20]

@valentina13888 This. Your child WILL lead. I’d just make sure I’d have stuff around for them to lead with. Anything that is fine motor skills and you can build 3-d designs with is the first thing that comes to mind. Endless supplies that require making things from scratch, whether it means structures, counting machines, books, science projects, sorting machines, etc.

 

[aegisheart]

@valentina13888 We've mostly signed him up for classes to meet other kids and practice things he's not so good at. Being bored alone is not something he can do but I was the same until way later. Do you have any tips for that?

We are feeling pressure because he will be fed into the standardized education system machine and that can go very poorly for kids that stick out. We can't afford private school and I'm not sure I'd want to anyway.

 

[valentina13888]

@aegisheart Cait206 had some good ideas! Basically lots of books, science kits, raspberry pi/basic Lego robotics, have journals and encourage some natural world observation (tracking birds, plants, rocks, then discussing them), baking is basic chemistry so you can practice a) simple combinations and b)scaling recipes which requires math! Lots of libraries have STEM/STEAM activities.

Can also work on drawing, perspective etc., which works a different part of the brain.

 

[desperatehokie]

@aegisheart Former middle school gifted teacher of 10 years here:

The biggest challenges for my students were anger and avoidance when not able to complete a task easily, and getting along with others when skills levels were disparate. They also tended to act out when bored or when adults failed to act in a way they felt was equitable or justifiable.

My advice would be to work on those things deliberately. Emotional regulation (with of course understanding that emotions are OK and important to express), patience with others, and acceptance that he won't be able to do all things easily or on the first try.

Give him lots of opportunities to be creative, but don't push him academically until he is emotionally ready, because ultimately academics aren't everything and making them fun and piquing curiosity are more important.

 

[wavesuponthesea]

@desperatehokie Also a teacher and completely echo this. Persistence and resilience with hard tasks was often something my gifted kiddos struggled with because things had come easily most of the time. Working on this and praising effort/specific accomplishments, not intelligence (look how smart you are!), is helpful for this.

 

[aegisheart]

@desperatehokie Thank you so much for this thoughtful response! I feel like you hit the nail on the head. I'm just going to send this as a whole to my husband.

 

[desperatehokie]

@aegisheart Of course! Gifted kiddos need support too, and are often overlooked because they're "smart" and perceived as capable. But gifted is different than just smart!

I'm always happy to offer some advice and options, knowing that my experience is also limited. I wish you luck!

 

[jandrews]

@aegisheart One thing I’ll add to your list - be very cognizant of the difference between verbal acuity and emotional maturity. When very young children can rationalize their behavior with eloquence, it often gets mistaken for a mature level of self awareness and emotional intelligence. But these intellectual skills can easily compensate for other nonverbal skills, like self-regulation, identifying and expressing emotions (in self and others), empathy, risk assessment, social engagement, etc.

 

[aegisheart]

@jandrews Oh, you are absolutely right. That's one of the reasons I'm hesitant to send him to school at 5. So far thought we've gotten good feedback on emotions from milestone assessments but he's 3 so how much self control can he have haha.

 

[imnathaniel]

@aegisheart As someone who was in the gifted stream in school- make sure he doesn’t take shortcuts. I went through elementary and highschool without ever really needing to apply myself, got into my top selection school, and then hit a fucking brick wall because I had none of the habits I needed to succeed, and couldn’t outrun my ADD.

My parents were also very results oriented, so regardless of what score I got on my test, their first question was “and how did everyone else do?”. I shit you not- even getting 100% on a test would be met with “and how many others did?”.

Don’t be like my parents, lmao. I’m still working through the people pleasing, fear of failure, and lack of self confidence my upbringing stuck me with.

 

[imingtown]

@imnathaniel So true about the shortcuts and creating good habits for school. I'm in grad school and felt like a fucking idiot the entire first semester only to find out that I actually have to set aside time to study and can't write these papers in a single day.

 

[blandaw]

@imnathaniel Great post. I, like my father before me, manged to get by on being smart enough... unit a lack of work habits caught up with us. He graduated high-school at 14 and ended up being stunted by the process. It's not always good to be fast tracked.

 

[elijahtocome]

@imnathaniel I hear you. I didn’t figure out I had ADD until law school - it was only at that point that I struggled with the academic side of things, and couldn’t shortcut my way out it while still succeeding. The ADD medication actually improved a lot of things I didn’t realize were problems - low-grade depression among them. My husband has ADD as well (and has the same story about being smart enough to excel without trying, up until law school). We will definitely be on the lookout for that with our daughter, but hopefully those genes don’t come for her.

 

[aegisheart]

@imnathaniel Learning to learn is something we try hard to teach him. Do you know of any good strategies for that?

Comparisons with the achievements of others is something we specifically want to avoid. I'm sorry you were put in that position.

 

[imnathaniel]

@aegisheart I don’t have a lot that would be relevant, because it pertains to retraining myself- a process I’m still in.

Something I’m working on with my children is praising the effort. Stuff like “I see you’re struggling with x, and that’s frustrating for you, but I’m so proud that you’re trying”

It’s good not just for getting things done, but for trying new foods and what not.

For myself, it’s more about habit stacking and establishing routines, as well as carving out time for self care. Between not having good habits, and being a hard worker with a results-driven personality, it’s easy to let work creep in and take over my life, so being mindful of that is important.

As for what I went through- I think of it very matter of factly. It’s how my parents raised me, but it’s not their fault. They gave me a much milder version of what was modelled for them, growing up in Eastern Europe through the 50s/60s. Each generation carries the baggage of the past while making changes for the future.

 

[beautifulrose79]

@imnathaniel In my late 20s and only just found out this year that most other parents (even in my “gifted and talented” scholarship high school program) did not ask those questions when presented with their kid’s test results. Thanks mum.

 

[solvalou44]

@aegisheart Practice saying ‘my boy’s wicked smaht’ in a Boston accent.