How to support a gifted child?

[aegisheart]

@ggirl1986 I feel like many of these diagnoses are a coin toss and more researchis needed. This is not to dismiss them, but the criteria overlap. I hope you finally get an answer from the pending evaluation!
Playing a game on hard mode with no save points it is.

Thank you for the thoughtful responses to all my questions! We have a mountain of tasks ahead of us.

 

[elvent]

@aegisheart I was a "gifted" kid, one thing I'll say is don't bump them up a grade-- just because they can handle the work academically doesn't mean they are the same emotional maturity as their peers. I remember in first grade being asked if I wanted to skip to second grade and started crying because I didn't want leave behind my friends, and I'm still glad I made that decision

 

[aegisheart]

@elvent That's great that you were given a say in whether to skip a grade. We definitely wouldn't want to do that against his wishes.

 

[jluponeage]

@aegisheart I don’t really think you need to seek out challenges for him so much as you can encourage him to continue things he’s interested in that challenge him. He doesn’t need you to create those opportunities, or to force him into music class, or anything like that. But if, for example, he wants to do music class and finds himself overwhelmed but still interested, that’s the learning opportunity you’re looking for to help him learn essential coping mechanisms and perseverance and all that.

Just make sure you’re praising effort rather than accomplishments, and try to get the other influential adults in his life on board with that, too. That’s true for all kids, but especially kids who are gifted, because always succeeding can make rare failures feel much worse and a focus on the process serves them much better.

And please don’t skip grades. He can be bored, it’s honestly a good opportunity to work on other skills, like entertaining himself, being considerate, having compassion and helping his classmates (if that’s a strategy his teacher employ), etc, all while developing his social-emotional skills at an age-appropriate pace. My parents were offered the chance to bump me up a grade in elementary school or have me tested for gifted and opted out of both because of the effects my mom saw on her high school students who had gone those routes. I was an occasional mild behavioral problem, in the realm of “talks too much” or “reads independently during instructional time,” but overall I benefitted from the less-tangible skills I learned from those experiences, like how to keep myself entertained without disrupting others and how to be considerate of the people I shared a workspace with who may not be working on the same thing or at the same pace as I was.

The one thing I wish my parents had done was have me tested for ADHD, because I had and continue to have difficulties that are consistent with that diagnosis like time blindness, lack of organizational skills/executive function, difficulty maintaining focus on “boring” tasks, lack of enteroception, among others, and I suspect that a different type of support would have benefitted me a lot. But it was the 90s and I was a girl who was academically successful, so it wasn’t on anyone’s radar. And if my kid ends up being gifted, I’ll also keep him in his age-appropriate grade level, support him when he finds something he enjoys that’s challenging, and carefully consider entering him in the gifted program depending on their focus and methods in our district at that time. And of course, if he has similar struggles to my own, we’ll be keeping an eye on those signs and having him tested for neurodivergence if warranted, because supports that work with your neurotype are beneficial even if you’re academically successful.

 

[aegisheart]

@jluponeage When I said challenges I meant more " he's not good in sports, off to gym class with him". This was especially important to us because he was behind his peers and preschoolers don't care if you can read but how well you can climb, especially as a boy (which is its own can of worms).

Praising effort rather than accomplishments is a good point. I try but often fail at this.

There seem to be a lot of people recommending not skipping grades. This is something our social worker mentioned as an option and we know another couple with a gifted child who very much profited from skipping 2 grades (at a later age). However, I'm tending towards not skipping grades and trying to get him occupied while non-disruptive in class. Thank you for your perspective, that means a lot.

I laughed so hard when I compared what are the signs of giftedness vs ADHD and it ended up being a list of synonymous phrases. That's one of the issues we have with choosing where to have him assessed in a year or so. It's cool if he's gifted and/or has ADHD but we'd like to get support and early intervention. However, the criteria are so similar that I don't believe they can be truly objective.

 

[jluponeage]

@aegisheart Yeah, he’s already facing challenges! And he’ll keep facing them, so you’ll have plenty of chances to build his resilience through your handling of that. Resist the urge to completely redirect when he’s frustrated with physical tasks and instead help him learn the concepts of practice and engaging with the challenge head on.

And for your friends’ child, I would be cautious about ascribing too much credit to skipping grades. That kind of approach often looks good in the short term, but it can backfire over time - if your son goes to college, do you want him to graduate without being able to legally drink? How do you feel about his dating prospects as a 16 year old college freshman? Or a 14 year old high school sophomore? Even in the shorter term, his physical challenges will be more pronounced compared to kids a year or two older than him, and a kid who could be described as a “sensitive” 3 year old would be considered a “baby” by 4 and 5 year olds.

You’ll do better to focus on using natural learning opportunities to build his skill deficits rather than challenging him in the areas he already excels at. And when he goes to school, remember that by the time he reaches middle school, they’ll start “tracking” students by academic performance, so he will slowly start to see more challenges even without skipping a grade. You can take the earlier, easier academic years to focus on other fundamental skills and to make sure he’s mentally and emotionally prepared for the eventual challenges of classes that are more targeted to his level of academic skill, like AP/IB classes, dual credit classes, etc.

 

[whatnow]

@aegisheart I would suggest reading Differently Wired, by Deborah Reber...

I am gifted and in my experience, I think it's important to understand that it's a form of neurodivergence, it's not just a high IQ and being good at stuff... so you need to support your kid, but at the same time keep in mind that no matter how ahead in academic terms your kid is, he is still only a toddler, and his emotional maturity will be that of a toddler, or even possibly behind, as a result of his giftedness...

Don't focus just on the "gifted" part, don't rush him or try to challenge him with what you think it's appropiate... I would instead follow a Montessori-an way, giving him enough possibilities, but letting him choose at the end, not choosing for him, but letting him guide you.

In my personal case, my mom refused to have me tested (the school did regardless, and got a "gifted" score and asperguer's diagnosis... she kept both from me, which is another issue), and she did not let me skip any grade... the teachers sort of improvised an IEP, so they'd use me as an "assistant", and I didn't get bored, I had to move all around the classroom, talk with classmates, help them, and I feel it helped me a lot. And when I had no one else to help, they'd give me books, which I loved because I am also hyperlexic...

My case was not ideal, but I did not feel excessively pressured to perform, I learnt to use my "giftedness" to help others, and I got strategies to help me with the extra energy and hypersensitivity...

Now I'm living the same with my 9 year old son, and while I'm not hiding his diagnosis as my mom did, and I'm accepting all help and suggestions from the school (except letting him skip grades), following his lead while keeping him grounded and keeping in mind he is still a child, has been the way to go

 

[aegisheart]

@whatnow Thank you for your perspective! Seems like your parents did many things right.
I've heard about "Differently wired" but haven't read it yet. I guess it's time to bump that up in the reading queue.

We realized quickly that being gifted (if that's what this is) has to come at a disadvantage in other areas. There is also no guarantee that he won't grow out of it. Another issue a former teacher friend of mine brought up is that some parents get their children a giftedness diagnosis for clout, while others are misdiagnosed as ADD. Both groups do poorly without proper support.

Montessori groups in our area are very crunchy/anti science which is a no-go for us.

 

[rennamo]

@aegisheart Oooh sounds like you have a twice gifted little man on your hands. Sounds like he is very lucky to have a parent like you on his team!

There are support centres that specialise in kids like your son. If you're not in Australia, google will be able to help you find a local one.

You can also contact your local Mensa or triple 9 society branch - they will have resources for gifted kids.

They are fantastic resources - twice gifted kids can shine like a diamond, but can also feel very weird and isolated.

How is he socially? If he is age appropriate socially, he may struggle and be a target for bullies if he starts one year ahead. He will also struggle with sport if he is started early. You may want to consider starting him with his current age peers, but working with the school to make sure he is given material to work on that stretches him. If your local public school cannot provide that, you may want to consider looking at private schools that can be more flexible with their curriculum.

Also, consider learning a musical instrument - my daughter found piano to be enjoyable, challenging, and a good source of healthy frustration (she wasn't used to finding things difficult! But piano has taught her the need for grit).

Lean into the fact that he isn't normal - he is genuinely unique. He may not fit in, but he stands out because he is special - but no matter how well he does on tests, you love him because he is him. My observation has been that, depending on the culture and the importance of fitting in to that culture, this can be a big challenge for parents who either aren't gifted themselves, or were gifted but have learned to mask because they were bullied badly as children.

Source, was a gifted child myself, and am a mother of a gifted child.

 

[aegisheart]

@rennamo He might be twice gifted, it's not something that's diagnosed here this early. They don't like to do it until 5-6. We don't have any support centers here (except one, but their website has been offline for months...). I'm hesitant about Mensa. The only person I know who was assessed by them, was a member and had a high IQ made it their whole personality and was really messed up by it in the long run. This may be my bias and they're fine, but I'm also not sure I want to put a "number" on him.

Socially, he's shy but doing better ever since moving up to a mixed group in kindergarten with older kids. He doesn't like talking about kindergarten much at home but will mention playing with other kids on occasion. We're not due an assessment meeting for a while so I don't know. Unfortunately, other kids in our friend group are either older and loud (bad for sensitivity to noises) or on the spectrum (hard to make plans for play dates, because a bad day or a meltdown can undo them).

We can't afford private school unfortunately but I'd love for him to play an instrument. He's just not into it right now and with sensitivity to noises (and covid, too, tbh) we haven't pulled the trigger on that. Music class is also on the other side of town, so not easy for us to reach/difficult to budget the time for that.

We love and accept him any way he is. Even if that can be hard at times, we wouldn't have him any other way.

You seem like a great and knowledgeable mom. Thank you for taking time to comments!

 

[rennamo]

@aegisheart Oh I absolutely agree with your comment about Mensa. The active members I know vary from absolutely lovely to completely insufferable. (Full disclosure - I'm technically a member, but I only was assessed to access the services for my kids, who were too young for an assessment themselves - once I got the names of the specialist gifted services and child psychologist, I never really got involved with them again...)

BUT they can point you in the direction of services for gifted children, and most will do it for you even if you aren't a member (I learned this after I did the assessment!). Suggest you just drop an email to your local branch and ask them to give you the names of the people they would recommend. You don't have to have him assessed to ask them the question!

The triple 9 society may be a little more like the kind of Mensa stereotype - and they are much smaller, and may not have a branch in your city.

The person you describe sounds like the kind of person whose whole self worth is wrapped up in their intelligence... So they constantly have to prove their intelligence so they don't feel completely worthless. Speaking only from my experience, I know quite a few people (if I'm being honest, including myself) whose well meaning families praised them for their good academic results, but pretty much only for their results, who ended up like that kind of Mensa member. I had to do a lot of introspection and personal growth to realise that I was more than my results, that I didn't have to pretend to be perfect, that it was ok not to know something, and that I could just... Be.

It made me really conscious about how I parent my girls. I praise the persistence and the struggle. I acknowledge the positive results but praise the hard work and effort that went into developing them (eg "you read that so beautifully - your hard work is paying off! Do you see how much easier it is because you're practicing so hard?"). I also praise things that don't look like typical intelligence, but are essential for surviving society, like patience, empathy, compassion, conscientiousness, ethical behaviour and trustworthiness.

If your young man struggles with noise - one thing you may want to look into is sensory play groups or play spaces.

One other option is a keyboard with a volume knob. HE can control the volume and set it to a level he doesn't find overstimulating.

You have this. He has you in his corner - he will be fine

 

[jwmercer]

@aegisheart That is a lot of questions.

First, I am in the minority but not alone in disliking the term "gifted." Probably what you are observing is precoscious development in some areas. It is awesome to support this--it doesn't nesessarily mean that it is something clearly separate in approach--it just means you may need to meet the child where they are.

It is perfectly reasonable to address a child as a small person and to allow them to grow into a relationship where they can reach for a level where they have not yet arrived. But you should also be fully aware that, say, a developed vocabulary or spatial awareness, etc., is not necessarily paired with emotional maturity, high executive function, or the like. Different humans, different levels.

I don't think anyone reputable will diagnose ADHD or similar at that young an age, given executive dysfunction is pretty much what being a three-year-old is about.

I guess the point here is that the labels are less important than the specifics: giving your child an environment in which they feel safe and cared for, and are exposed to manipulable objects and experiences that enrich their experience. This is as true of "gifted" children as it is of those who are "normal."

My parent ignored outside advise about giftedness resisted efforts to move me up in grades until I was about 11. I had undiagnosed ADHD, and teachers generally thought of me as potentially bright but unmotivated. Like most students I was just bored to death at school. I took some standardized tests that year, and had the opportunity to attend some programs for the academically precocious,. I started taking university courses the following year.

The advantage to having access to a peer group that was similarly precocious is hard to overestimate. On the other hand, the "gifted" label is often a curse, and one that is, I think, fairly harmful to young people coming up with a self-image of what they are good at.

My sons have tested as "gifted" and one has quite profound ADHD--which unlike mine is treated. There are reasons to understand differences in kids' behavior. But more generally, I don't think it matters. If you talk to someone who has been specifically trained to teach gifted kids, they will provide a whole list of accomodations: if you listen carefully to these, I dare you to find one that wouldn't improve the learning of any student, with any background.

So: pick a good environment. Provide interesting spaces for exploration. Select your early schools wisely (and if you don't know where to start with this, select a Montessori school). And just enjoy parenting your kid, however brilliant and frustrating they are on a given day.

 

[comatose]

@aegisheart Not related to the gifted part, but the sensitivity - you might benefit from reading The Highly Sensitive Child

 

[comkut]

@comatose The Highly Sensitive child is a great book, and I'd argue 100% related to the gifted part. Have you checked out r/gifted?
My daughter is six and working on 3-4 grade skills. We are fortunate to have her in a public Montessori school with a teacher who is willing and able to differentiate her learning so she can learn and still be around same age peers, which is important because often gifted people are asynchronous learners and do have some skills (especially social skills) lag while they excell in other pockets.
It sounds like you're doing lots of great things already. I'd advise against full on jumping grades this early, though the data does support acceleration in almost all circumstances (https://www.nagc.org/resources-publications/gifted-education-practices/acceleration) I think getting through kindergarten would be a good start at 5, then acceleration from there (if your school will let you). That way they get used to school as a system before getting thrown in. Depending on resources a supported homeschool program (ie with social classes outside of school) could also be a good option.

Practicing failing is definitely a good idea! We have spent lots of energy on this and my six year old still struggles with tolerating failure or difficulty!

 

[classycassiopeia]

@comatose

d argue 100% related to the gifted part. Have you checked out

r/gifted

? My daughter is sick and working on 3-4 grade skills. We are fortunate to have her in a public Montessori school with a teacher who is willing and able to differentiate her learning so she can learn and still be around same age peers,

I also recommend this book. As an adult HSP, I do NOT recommend enrolling him in a class to try to "desensitize" him to loud noises. Unless he expresses an interest in a loud hobby and is open to problem-solving ways to reduce the overwhelm of the noise stimulation (like noise dampening ear plugs). I wish my parents had helped me to better understand my sensitivities and work towards solutions to better fit into an over-stimulating world.

 

[marjmorris]

@classycassiopeia Here's a sneak peek of /r/Gifted using the top posts of the year!

#1: Memes of a zebra (Vol. II) | 20 comments

#2: You don’t have to do anything special.

#3: Disdain for the less intelligent

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[jasonsim]

@aegisheart Point 2–Anecdotal, I started first grade at 5 (had to test in). I later started college 3 years younger than everyone else. I highly recommend increasing challenge for gifted kids rather than trying to adjust to social factors which may be hard regardless of age. (That is, your kiddo won’t necessarily fit in better even if he is in classes with people closer to his age.)

Sports are a factor however—this was not important in my family, but it is obviously an advantage to be more physically developed for success in sports.

I also recognize that gender may play a role in these decisions, i.e. it may seem scarier for a boy to be small for his class than it would be for a girl. I wish this weren’t the case. School should be primarily for developing academically as much as possible, IMO, ideally with good social-emotional support as well.

Points 5 and 6–I applaud you for wanting to dig deeper to get a diagnosis or rule one out. Regardless of whether there is something diagnosable there, a pediatric art therapist or another kind of therapist could help him learn the skills to self regulate and deal with a variety of circumstances. I wouldn’t recommend either solution (avoiding or throwing him into the deep end) but rather giving him the skills he needs to deal with the world. I may have had ADD but was very certainly anxious and depressed as a child, and could have used much more support.

 

[aldredian]

@aegisheart

generally has very strong emotions, especially when he doesn't succeed at first try

That, to me, just sounds like typical toddler behaviour. 3, from what I've read, is still a time where they're going through big emotions.

The not succeeding at first try sounds exactly like my son (2.5). My son's very independent and likes to do everything himself. Doesn't like us showing him how to do things and then gets very frustrated after a few tries of not succeeding. I just think this is very typical toddler behaviour.

You should still treat him as a 3 yo. As you've said, there are other areas where he's not as advanced. It just sounds typical. All kids develop at different rates. Even if he is far more advanced in other areas, his brain is still not fully developed. At the very least, it sounds like his emotion control is still that of a typical toddler.

With your point 1 and 2, I think a balance between the 2 is fine. Show him something just that slightly challenging that's within his interest. Let him try.

With 4, he's still young? Just keep at it. Let him fail and just be there to comfort him and let him know it's ok. Whenever my son gets frustrated and starts yelling he can't do it and gets very upset, we hug him and say it's alright. You just need to keep practicing and you can become better.

1. Can't help you there . Sounds like my son. Never stops. Daycare calls him a tornado.

I think with school, maybe talk to his educators when he's getting close to 5 and see what they say. With some schools, they have advanced classes so maybe that will help.

I remember being bored out of my wits in year 1 and that was combatted by my parents hiring tutors. Well, it was kind of a bad cycle. They got tutors who taught me at least 2 years ahead at school and so I got bored at school. My final school had advanced maths classes starting from year 5 so that helped a lot. I think in general, you need to find a school that's suitable for your son, no matter what that means.

 

[aegisheart]

@aldredian Your son sounds awesome.
What's hypersensitivity and what's being a toddler? No idea. Funnily enough I can't name a single family in our friend group that does not have a neurodivergent child, so I can't even compare. It's reassuring to hear this might just be par for the course. Maybe his brain is developing first and will pause so that other skills can catch up? I guess we'll find out at 25 or so.

We hug out most meltdowns/tantrums, except the hitting/scratching ones. I sometimes feel like hugs are a bit of a cheat code.

We get 0 choice of schools until high school, which is why we dread just sending him off. Too early is bad, too late and he might be labeled as "difficult".

 

[kaykay8]

@aegisheart As a parent that has 2 gifted kids of 3… both of them are adhd and you basically described some of the things to watch out for.

Hypersensitive, strong emotions, sensory seeking/avoiding, advanced knowledge of letters/words/numbers…

I was the same and diagnosed along with my sons.

Look into how best to support kids with sensory avoidance behaviors - it will help. I also strongly recommend routine to help with transitions and meltdowns, and as they get older, guided exercises to help with these things (talk about the steps that need to happen, use cards with pictures to show what has to happen, books with real pictures to help walk through what is coming up, etc.)

Follow their interests - let them choose what they want to learn and just keep at it until they switch.

I’m also putting them into a martial arts to help them with outbursts and feelings, and coordination. One has amazing coordination and the other is the polar opposite.

And remember, their emotional age won’t match their intellectual age, and keep repeating that to yourself.

I found the circle of care helped a lot to with dealing with them.

And also, your doctor should be if they are high functioning. The only thing you can do is just work on you and your reactions.

Side note: if it’s adhd or autism, look at yourselves. That’s how most of my friends who are on the spectrum/adhd were diagnosed… myself included.