How long should dads take paternity leave if they can afford to?

[sonnybaker]

My s/o can get paid leave but he doesn’t want to take time off just because it’s not full pay.

I don’t think he understands how hard it will be for me right after giving birth and he always talks like I can handle everything —like even telling me to go back to work after 3 months lol.
There wouldn’t even be anyone to watch the baby; he’s suggesting dropping the baby off to a daycare that young.
I don’t want to because that just sounds so dangerous to me. It’s honestly pretty upsetting the way he’s been handling everything.

I would totally understand if we were broke but we can both handle it, he just doesn’t wanna lose out on any money and it sucks.
He said he could probably take 1 day off (the day I go home from the hospital only) …..like wtf?

I’ve tried talking to him about how hard it is, the amount of time parents usually take off, etc but it doesn’t move him at all. It’s just all about money to him.

 

[dixiegypsy31]

@sonnybaker As much as they can without damaging your financial situation. A dad should want to spend time with kids and support his wife.

 

[katrina2017]

@dixiegypsy31 This. Not enough people have parental leave, but if you have it, use it, and if your boss has a problem with that, refresh your resume.

 

[ocsoni]

@dixiegypsy31 Which sometimes is zero. It’s unfortunate but if OPs partner gets no paternity leave and has no PTO, any time off might damage their financial situation

 

[dixiegypsy31]

@ocsoni Oh of course. But in case of this post, she said they'll be fine.

 

[ulcnetwork]

@sonnybaker Me and my wife had our little guy in April and prior to his arrival we had this discussion. We are located in Canada and a couple of things are treated differently.
1. Money can always be made, if you can afford to take the time off why not do it and be there to see you kids grow
2. The time off is not just to help with the baby but mom is also tired and needs support. I feel like this isn’t talked about as often and really some woman go through post partum depression which can impact them and baby.
3. If possible split the time off, looking back I took 3 consecutive months off. For our next one I’ll probably take the first two weeks to support my spouse and an additional 10 weeks at 6-7 months where they aren’t just sleeping all day.

 

[pandahat]

@ulcnetwork 3 is very common. I’ve chatted with 3 dads who all had multiple kids in the last 5 years and this is what they did. 2 weeks at birth, and take pat leave (I’m also in Canada) 6-7 months later.

We’ll see what my wife needs.

 

[laughter]

@sonnybaker Dad here.

I was privileged enough to work for a company that introduced fully paid parental leave of six months, available to any employee who would be the designated primary carer (can only be one at a time, within first 12 months of life).

So, I took it up and spent 6 months with my daughter after my wife took her 4 months off (unpaid leave). It was amazing, both for the connection we’ve made, but also for the understanding and context I have when it comes to the sharing of care and relationship with my partner.

We’ve got a second on the way, and I was looking forward to taking time off again. Unfortunately I’ve been made redundant about 5-6 months before I would take the time.

This makes it hard, both to find work that would hire me knowing I need to take time off (since my wife has a great new job, but which is also only offering unpaid leave), and also financially, since if I don’t find work, it could be about 10 months making our finances/my redundancy stretch till number 2 goes to daycare and I can start work again.

Anyway… the primary principle for us is that we’ll be unlikely to get this time again. And it was just so worth it the first time.

Yes it is harder than you expect. Yes it’s scary and a little emasculating (rightly or wrongly). Yes it’s isolating. But man… it’s worth it.

If he can make it work. He’ll never regret it.

 

[black_velvet]

@laughter Did they know you would be taking that time before they made you redundant?

 

[greg75]

@black_velvet Yeah, I would be talking to an employment attorney ASAP. It may be nothing, but it's worth a consult.

Most places don't give you parental leave without 12 months continuous beforehand so this is a big blow.

 

[hehasrisen]

@greg75 I can't speak to the law, but when my coworker and I were laid off he was given an extra $20k severance due to pending parental leave.

 

[greg75]

@hehasrisen Yeah, paternity through FMLA is supposed to be a federally protected thing. It makes sense that they would pay out more to avoid any litigation or even the appearance of impropriety.

 

[elizabethannexx]

@black_velvet This is my fear of using the full 12 weeks I’m entitled to

 

[black_velvet]

@elizabethannexx I could have pushed for more too and didn’t for that exact reason. Wish i had. If you’re still writing the first year you still can though. You never get the time back.

 

[elizabethannexx]

@black_velvet Yeah my company policy is 12 weeks for the dad so I don’t have to push or negotiate, but I’m still worried about the company/my bosses seeing it in a negative light if I took that much time away. I work at a startup going through a big growth period which makes it even scarier

 

[melmoth]

@laughter Just curious who you work for? If you don’t mind. I work for the gov (kind of) and thought I had it good at 6 weeks, for the father, but that sounds like gold.

My wife used to work for nestle and I think they offered something close to what you have.

 

[otoolie]

@sonnybaker So it sounds to me like he’s on a “I need to provide for my family” thought process, so recognizing that he’s likely thinking this way out of wanting to support you is a big first step in opening the convo - especially since it doesn’t sound like anything thus far has landed.

Maybe instead of planning right now for him to take X number of days off, you game plan a few scenarios and ask that he keeps an open mind/leaves it open to take some time if you need the help (we all know that, yes, you’re going to need the help…but he has zero frame of reference here) so make a pact to discuss when the time comes. I bet he changes his tune real quick in the first day or two once he actually gets a taste of how much work it’s going to be.

 

[benaiah2015]

@otoolie Everyone tells you it's a lot of work, and then you get into the trenches and realize they undersold it.

 

[melmoth]

@benaiah2015 We’ve been insanely lucky with our little girl, she’s been essentially the perfect baby. And it’s still exhausting.

 

[benaiah2015]

@melmoth Same. Never had a purple crying phase, been a good sleeper and good eater, has the ability to self-amuse a lot of the time, but she's still a kid under the age of two and therefore takes all the energy we have and then some (also brings back new and exciting illnesses from daycare that she gets over in a day but knocks us out for weeks).