@benaiah2015 Yaaay. We start daycare in Jan. Can’t wait to be sick all the time lol
How long should dads take paternity leave if they can afford to?
- Thread starter sonnybaker
- Start date
-
- Tags
- dads new dads new parents
benaiah2015
New member
@melmoth We avoided covid for two full years before she brought it home, hand foot and mouth made an appearance over the summer, and then RSV a few weeks back. She has one day of really bad symptoms for each and then just happy and normal until it's gone. Wife and I take weeks to get back to normal.
@benaiah2015 Having a baby in June. What would you do to prep if you were me:
1. Party and see friends - hear once you have a baby it’s lock down
2. Work out and focus on career - doubt I’m gonna work out or spend any extra time on work if I’m tired all the time
3. Get a side hustle and make a couple grand - get more take out and maybe someone to clean the house that first year
4. None of the above
My biggest regret about college was not going abroad and picking up a double major instead. I was broke and anxious but looking back on it 6mo in Barcelona with the homies would have been so worth it.
1. Party and see friends - hear once you have a baby it’s lock down
2. Work out and focus on career - doubt I’m gonna work out or spend any extra time on work if I’m tired all the time
3. Get a side hustle and make a couple grand - get more take out and maybe someone to clean the house that first year
4. None of the above
My biggest regret about college was not going abroad and picking up a double major instead. I was broke and anxious but looking back on it 6mo in Barcelona with the homies would have been so worth it.
sonnybaker
New member
@otoolie Yeah, I think that’s his mindset too.
We’ve been having multiple safety nets but he doesn’t think it makes sense to miss out on any money. He would get 80% of his pay if he takes leave. I’ll still be helping with half the rent and paying for the groceries, budget wise we are good. He says the money is for her future and I don’t know what to say to that.
We’ve been having multiple safety nets but he doesn’t think it makes sense to miss out on any money. He would get 80% of his pay if he takes leave. I’ll still be helping with half the rent and paying for the groceries, budget wise we are good. He says the money is for her future and I don’t know what to say to that.
@sonnybaker Don’t say anything yet. You both need to figure it out when the time comes - he’s coming from a good place, but if you need his help in that moment - then you need to be vocal about it (while understanding how best to connect with him).
sonnybaker
New member
@otoolie Definitely, when the time comes I think it’ll be much easier for him to empathize and want to be present. I’ll ask him to keep an open mind for now in case I need help.
I’m sure he’d prefer letting his job know ahead of time but I don’t think he’ll ask for time off until he experiences it himself (probably literallyy once she’s out and in his arms lol)
I’m sure he’d prefer letting his job know ahead of time but I don’t think he’ll ask for time off until he experiences it himself (probably literallyy once she’s out and in his arms lol)
@sonnybaker Exactly. Right now he wants to provide for her future, but I’d bet once she’s here and in his arms (and as he has to change some diapers/is low on sleep) he’ll realize that a few days at 80% pay is better for everyone in the long run.
Good luck to you both - we’re 6.5 weeks in to our first, and I’ve learned to take everything about 3 hours at a time. There are a lot of ups and downs, but the first few weeks it’s going to be more important than ever to focus on your communication with each other. You’ll both be stressed out, so making sure to work as a team is my only piece of advice.
Good luck to you both - we’re 6.5 weeks in to our first, and I’ve learned to take everything about 3 hours at a time. There are a lot of ups and downs, but the first few weeks it’s going to be more important than ever to focus on your communication with each other. You’ll both be stressed out, so making sure to work as a team is my only piece of advice.
danishajaz
New member
@sonnybaker what did you end up doing
@sonnybaker Okey im not american so we have different rules where I live.
For my first kid i stayed home with my wife for two weeks. We realised afterwards that it was far to short. Mostly because of ppd and colic.
So with our second child we planned that I would stay home for 2 month then work 50% for 2 months and after that be home full time for 2 months during summer.
It’s really hard to be left alone with an infant, specielly of its your first kid.
For my first kid i stayed home with my wife for two weeks. We realised afterwards that it was far to short. Mostly because of ppd and colic.
So with our second child we planned that I would stay home for 2 month then work 50% for 2 months and after that be home full time for 2 months during summer.
It’s really hard to be left alone with an infant, specielly of its your first kid.
brightlikeme
New member
@sonnybaker I'm a lady lurker here. But I work with probably 90 percent males, and many of a certain religion known for having lots of kids. The most I've seen anyone take is 2 weeks off. My current company has no leave, and right or wrong, 2 days is the norm. Is your spouse in an industry like this? Could be this is just what all of his colleagues have done.
People put their kids in daycare at 2 and 3 weeks old. Not the norm, but can be done. The most common benefit in the US is 12 weeks of unpaid leave. I would say most people that need to return to work have their children in daycare around 3 months. So I wouldn't call that insane, just kinda sad.
People put their kids in daycare at 2 and 3 weeks old. Not the norm, but can be done. The most common benefit in the US is 12 weeks of unpaid leave. I would say most people that need to return to work have their children in daycare around 3 months. So I wouldn't call that insane, just kinda sad.
theresamaria
New member
@sonnybaker I took the my countries mandatory 15 weeks and then some, and got 4,5 months, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Take what you can afford.
@sonnybaker I took 10 weeks for my first born and about 8 for my second. I can’t imagine taking only 1 day. Parents should work as a team
elizabethannexx
New member
@elizabethannexx I was trying to save some leave for throughout the year. My 2 were only 16 months apart so I hadn’t saved up much leave
wheeledwarrior
New member
@sonnybaker As much as he possibly can. Even considering the pay cut I’d consider at least a month. It’s totally unfair on you and it’s something he’ll regret forever.
@sonnybaker I’m lucky enough to take a lot of time off and it has been the best decision of my life. I am not only here to see my new best friend learn and develop every day, but my wife has the support she needs, and it hasn’t always been easy.. so having me there has done wonders for our relationship and experience.
If you can afford it, it is 100% necessary and worth it. Tell him to read some posts on daddit.
If you can afford it, it is 100% necessary and worth it. Tell him to read some posts on daddit.
sonnybaker
New member
thebaconincident
New member
@sonnybaker My job gives me 8 weeks paid and I’m taking 4 weeks at the beginning and then 4 weeks after my wife goes back to work plus probably a little PTO thrown into the mix. My wife is going to take 16 weeks. So ours will be around 4-5 months when we start using daycare. In the US, my experience has been that parents send their kids to daycare or use a nanny when the baby is pretty young just because we haven’t traditionally had paid leave as a standard for a lot of jobs, and definitely not for men. I don’t think of it as particularly dangerous provided you use a reputable provider/nanny. There are usually rules about the number of people per baby that make sure they’re getting enough attention and monitoring.
Not sure how far along you are, how old you are, or what his experiences are with pregnancy and kids, but he might just not get it if a lot of his friends and family haven’t gone through it and he hasn’t given it a lot of thought. A single day seems sort of ridiculous and I’d be worried about what expectations he has about childcare duties generally. Like, unless you are going to be a SAHM, which it doesn’t sound like, parenting duties should be split as evenly as is reasonable given each partner’s work expectations. Even if you were staying home, raising a kid is work and you should expect support in the evenings so you have the ability to turn off and relax. That doesn’t mean every single task has to be split right down the middle, but general support for your child should be relatively even. I think there’s a broader issue you need to discuss here.
Not sure how far along you are, how old you are, or what his experiences are with pregnancy and kids, but he might just not get it if a lot of his friends and family haven’t gone through it and he hasn’t given it a lot of thought. A single day seems sort of ridiculous and I’d be worried about what expectations he has about childcare duties generally. Like, unless you are going to be a SAHM, which it doesn’t sound like, parenting duties should be split as evenly as is reasonable given each partner’s work expectations. Even if you were staying home, raising a kid is work and you should expect support in the evenings so you have the ability to turn off and relax. That doesn’t mean every single task has to be split right down the middle, but general support for your child should be relatively even. I think there’s a broader issue you need to discuss here.
sonnybaker
New member
@thebaconincident Dang all the moms I know reallyyy fear daycares/nannies/babysitters/etc so it’s new for me to hear how normalized it is to others. Maybe it’s the area or personal experience but I don’t know anyone that trusts them like that. One thing is we’d only feel comfortable enough to consider it once our kids can talk and only as a last resort —which I think is reasonable. Like I’m going to do WFH so that we won’t have to put her in daycare, I know it’ll be hard but I would feel a lot safer doing that.
Most of his friends and family have kids actually. I think he just can’t relate or put himself in that position? I’m mainly worried that he doesn’t seem to realize how difficult/exhausting it will be and I think he’ll only realize once she’s out and experiences it firsthand
Most of his friends and family have kids actually. I think he just can’t relate or put himself in that position? I’m mainly worried that he doesn’t seem to realize how difficult/exhausting it will be and I think he’ll only realize once she’s out and experiences it firsthand
thebaconincident
New member
@sonnybaker My current experiences are from friends and coworkers, both of which are largely career oriented. Also, I grew up poor. So, I'm probably in a bubble of two groups who are either willing or forced to send kids to daycare/get nannies and get back to work. I've literally never heard of waiting for a child to speak before sending them to daycare. Depending on your definition of "talking" that's like 12-18 months. If you had multiple kids, you'd could very well be out of work for years.
If you're thinking that you will be able to be the exclusive caretaker for a small child while also WFH, I would strongly suggest you talk to some of the moms that were forced to do that during covid. From my conversations with people, the benefits and novelty of the whole thing wore off very quickly and it became a massive stress overload to try and balance it all, and many of them had two parent home.
YMMV based on what you do and what your job looks like, but if you are required to be in meetings or have hard deadlines for things, I'd suggest figuring out how you can have someone to act as the primary caretaker and you can add supplementary support.
If you're thinking that you will be able to be the exclusive caretaker for a small child while also WFH, I would strongly suggest you talk to some of the moms that were forced to do that during covid. From my conversations with people, the benefits and novelty of the whole thing wore off very quickly and it became a massive stress overload to try and balance it all, and many of them had two parent home.
YMMV based on what you do and what your job looks like, but if you are required to be in meetings or have hard deadlines for things, I'd suggest figuring out how you can have someone to act as the primary caretaker and you can add supplementary support.