How long should dads take paternity leave if they can afford to?

@sonnybaker Personally I think take as long as you can feasibly afford, as long as you can afford to keep a roof over your head, food and other essentials in and bills paid then who cares if you take a break from saving for a little bit? It's not like as new parents you'll be going out to eat every night so if you can afford to pay the basics and maybe a little left over to take baby out to places then spending time with your baby and making sure both mom and baby are taken care of should be too priority.
 
@barbaraomalley I agree, but he insists that we both need to make a lot of money and save for her future. We already have a good amount of savings which is why I believe it’s fine to take a break too. I feel it’s more important to bond with her while she’s still a baby than to make a couple hundred dollars
 
@sonnybaker I banked vacation days once I found out my wife was pregnant. We had already planned and paid for a couple smaller vacations so I had to find the days. I was lucky enough to get 2 weeks off with the time I had left. My wife needed me to be there to help out. She didn’t have a bad birth, but she was definitely in recovery the two weeks I was off. It was invaluable to her to have me there helping. Also, after I saw my son for the first time I didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to be there for anything he needed. Things might change for your husband once he meets your child and sees/experiences the birthing process. I wish I would have had more time off.
 
@sonnybaker I’ve only taken 2 weeks so far, I have 4 more that I plan on using when mom goes back to work. Granted, I work from home so I can run down and help really anytime. Then she starts day care at like 6 months old.

Granted mine is fully paid and hers in mostly fully paid. My last job I had 12 weeks plus my sick time but I changed jobs right before she was born.

Imo he’s being unreasonable.
 
@sonnybaker I am a manager of a small team and took two weeks after my son was born, and another six after my wife’s fmla was over. Our budget took a small hit, but I do not regret it at all. It was probably the best thing I’ve ever done.
 
@sonnybaker I took 6 weeks for my first, and I won’t take less than 8 weeks for my second (really hoping for next year).

It sounds to me like he hasn’t formed any bond with your child yet. It’s not surprising, as men aren’t physically attached for months, how do you build a connection with what you can’t see/touch/feel? For me, naming our little girl before birth definitely helped. I spent a month building her nursery, also helped me.

Taking time off for childbirth isn’t just about taking care of that little potato. Your family just went from 2 to 3, and that addition requires more than its equal share of effort. How do you balance the child’s needs with your own, while at the same time not dropping the ball on your partner’s needs? Failure in one is failure in all three. A full time job makes building a new normal impossible.

And, if money is truly the end all argument, sit down and put all budget options down on paper. Does his partial pay not outweigh expenses incurred by going to work (commute, convenience meals/etc). Is the cost of childcare when you return to work less than your earnings potential?
 
@nfrazer1 Yeah, he hasn’t bonded yet and I’m sympathetic with that since he doesn’t feel her 24/7 like I do. I don’t think it feels “real” to him but I’m hoping it’ll start to once I’m 8 months.

My whole pregnancy he didn’t quite get how hard/tiring it’s been for me and we had to have a couple conversations about it, he’s more sympathetic and helps me out more now.

But he wasn’t understanding and was pretty heartless for a bit. I think he just doesn’t feel like a dad yet. My sister told me that once she’s out, things will change and he’ll act like a dad. It just would’ve been nice if he was able to be a dad before she’s here because I‘ve definitely been feeling like a mom. He doesn’t want to come to any appointments because he’ll miss out on sleep (my prenatal appts AND her appts when she’s out).

I never thought I’d experience this like I thought him being involved in certain things were a given, but he thinks he doesn’t have to be there all the time. It’s made me pretty sad feeling like I’m the only parent. I just try to remind myself that it’s probably hard for him to imagine and that hopefully he will change once she’s here.
 
@sonnybaker Also a dad from Canada, and my work offered a 4 week parental leave that would top up the EI payments to 100%. So i took 6 weeks parental leave and 2 weeks vacation. Obviously I am very fortunate and not everyone has these perks at their job or the financial stability to afford time off. Also my wife was in her mid 20s when she had the baby and even though it was a cesarean she recovered very quickly with no complications. So again, very fortunate.

That being said, without trying to make unnecessary judements, the bigger question should be why don't men want to spend time with their partner and child during the most beautiful and shortest part of their life? Even after 8 weeks off it broke my heart to leave my family just to go to work a little down the road. I know everyone is different and it sucks to stereotype but most guys just don't seem to care. Even if I could have only afforded to take off 2 days, I would have shown how damn excited and grateful I was to spend that time with my family. You can still worry about money and show you care about your family.

Money weighs heavier on me these days more than ever since my child was born we have been on one income. Most of my savings are gone and not sure how sustainable our current situation will be. But I wouldn't change it for a damn thing.
 
@sonnybaker You guys need to sit down and talk about this. Starting that chapter in your lives while not on the same page is going to be a disaster. Sounds like yall may just talk about it in passing and then someone gets upset. I don't think anyone of yall are going to get what you want so prepare for a compromise on both sides.

3 weeks minimum is my suggestion to all dads. Plus or minus a few days. The more the better. Especially with baby #1.

Why is he not wanting to take off work? Are finances that tight? Is he pressured at work? Can yall save every spare penny so he feels more comfortable taking off? Do yall ever go on vacation where he takes more than 1 day off? Because if so, he is prioritizing vacation above you and your kid. I'm not trying to make him a bad guy, I just don't think he is thinking rationally.

Old-school guys at work talked to me about how they only took 1 day off. Cool story bro. I happen to like my wife and am super excited to get to know what being a dad is like without having to worry about work.
 
@des72001at Yeah, I agree that we need to be on the same page but I noticed his priorities are the opposite of mine and he’s a stubborn person in general so it’s hard. We tell each other what we think but that’s about it, we stop talking before getting upset/arguing because he knows I don’t want it to affect the baby.
3 weeks is also what I’ve been thinking but I haven’t suggested a time to him yet because I want to be reasonable.

He doesn’t want to take time off work since he won’t get full pay, he says he wants to save for her. We already have a good amount of savings and we’re comfy, like he could take the full leave and we would still be good.

Yup, usually our vacations average around 4 days. I don’t think he understands the importance at all which is concerning.
 
@sonnybaker Assuming this is your first baby I encourage you to keep trying to get him to take more time. Coming from a stranger on the internet, I know this means nothing. But you deserve more than 1 day. Hell you deserve more than 1 week. Maybe show him some articles or something that I'm sure you can find on the internet. Especially if yall have the nest egg, being home with you guys should be first priority and you are right for thinking so.
 
@sonnybaker I think the absolute bare minimum time off should be 1 month purely from the perspective of (1) supporting the mother in physical postpartum recovery and (2) how dangerous it is to drive at all, much less at normal work rush hour times, when you're as sleep deprived as you're about to be. I think 2 months is even better and still justified for the same reasons.

With respect to money: how much are you gonna miss your partial pay for one or two months when over the course of a 40 year career those two months only amount to 0.4% of the total months during which you'll earn money? Unless you're already paycheck to paycheck with no emergency fund at all to lean on, these couple weeks/months of income are meaningless in the grand scheme of a career.
 
@sonnybaker It feels like you’re both got a lot of figuring out to do.

Your husband wants to take a whole day when he has a child born? You think returning to work after 3 months is unsafe, despite reality.

What is your game plan on returning to work (or not) both are okay?

What is your actual budget, very few first time parents are actually total just able to absorb the cost.
 
@sonnybaker Blessed that both me and S/O have a work from home job shes 9 weeks now she’ll get 3 months of full paid maternity leave I get some paternal leave but I’ll be working since I’m home I’ll be able to help her and the baby
 
@sonnybaker Sorry you’re going through this- you two need to have a frank discussion about responsibilities before this kiddo comes along and flips everything on its head. I was lucky enough to take 6 weeks full pay and 6 at half. My partner took 3 months first and I took 2 weeks of vacation at the very beginning too. After finishing my 3 months I switched to taking 4 10s so that i could have a day at home with her.
 
@sonnybaker We live in a country with generous parental leave and are planning to stay home two months together full time (combination of paid and unpaid leave). After that I (the mom) will stay home another month full time, while my partner starts working 50%. Hopefully this will be enough time to get me healed and give a good start on pumping and breastfeeding. Then the plan is that we both work 50% until the kid is ready to start daycare, probably at about 1 1/2 years. We feel that this will help with the equality between us parents and let the kid make a strong connection to us both from the start. It’s our first child so time will tell how it works out.
 
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