How did your second child change your family dynamics? Trying to decide…

rainysunflower

New member
Hello! I’ve been wanting to write this for a while.

I’m 37, mom to our angel of a toddler who is 2, and dad is 36.

What’s holding us back: we prize balance (husband more than myself) and the half of the year that is wildly busy for my husband at work can be hard to keep the family intimacy that is so good for everyone’s mental health. I’m a SAHM who largely runs the house myself. I had been planning to switch careers and go back to work ft but motherhood has been so incredible that I have really taken to being a sahm mom and am feeling the pressure of my ticking clock to either go for it now and try for another baby and revisit career goals (honestly I’m not very career driven anymore!) or completely shelve the idea. Note: we are financially ok and own a home but we don’t like frivolously.

I know the newborn phase will be hard, but our question is more so geared towards a long view of having a family of 4 vs 3 vis a vis the overall harmony of the family unit at the different life stages of the kids. What’s it like being a family of 4 when the kiddos are 2 and 5, 5 and 8, 8 and 11?? Etc… what are the dynamics in the family/ between siblings at those differing developmental phases?

We know so much depends on the child that fate delivers you, so perhaps I’d find your anecdotes about your second child (their personality, how they changed or added to your family dynamic) to be great food for thought.

We would have another in a heartbeat if we were not such tentative people who have our primary concern with mental health, building a tranquil and nurturing home for everyone who lives within it, and a generally healthy emotional life for all involved.

Also: Our boy is thriving, open to other children, patient and present, affectionate. Has some terrible two melt downs when overtired (ie: I want the poop back in my diaper! When changed - haha!) but we communicate well with him and we’re lucky that he has a calm and generally very receptive manner about him. He sleeps well. He is almost potty trained.
 
@rainysunflower We’re almost 7 months in, and our second child has brought so much balance to our lives. Our kids are 3 years + 9 days apart (both girls, and October/Libras ⚖️). They are wildly different, but so loving towards each other. Our first was a high needs/sleep avoidant/Velcro baby for the first year, but we leaned into it and had solid bonding time together. We expected our second to be similar in temperament, but she’s a completely different person. Oddly, our sleepless nights never happened during the newborn stage with our second, and what’s crazier, or luckier, is that my 3y/o fell right into the same nighttime schedule as her baby sister. By some miracle, they both go to bed at 7pm, where before my first kid would fall asleep closer to 9pm (bedtime was a challenge). Anyway, all of a sudden my spouse and I have more time together, and we can work on projects or tidy up before bed. We have to repeat ourselves often to be gentle with baby sister since sometimes the silliness escalates into rough tickling. There is also less space in the car. But everyone is healthy, and we have even more laughter in the house. We were planning on being a one and done family, but ultimately decided that we had more love to share and didn’t try/didn’t prevent another pregnancy. Honestly, having our kids has been a joy– I’m sure there will be rough patches, sibling rivalry, etc, but so far our experience has positively exceeded our expectations.
 
@rainysunflower My two cents is you seem well poised for 2. Once your first is 3 and past the hard part of toddlerhood you may seek another.

Mine are 3 years apart. I think we have more challenges with 2 than most. My husband went through a type of paternal depression after second. I am pretty deep into physical, pharmaceutical and therapeutic ways to address challenges mental health. But we are older and in a HCOL city so we can’t live on one income. In this economy I was shaken by a potential job loss.

My two cents is budget, talk over as a couple. My challenge is my partner resents the second even though he loves her.

He just proved a point sulking by leaving all his and my typical tasks on me today (you know the get out the door symphony of dressing, loading, feeding, napping 2 kids…and of course we are 15 min later than our late friends.

We are at 1 and 5.5. Took first 9 months for baby to get interesting to the older one, and she really was extra wanting so much more attention and getting it.

Be aligned. Your son does not need another.

I felt this second one calling to me, I can’t describe it. I couldn’t let it go. And she has that same soft chill steady energy.
 
@rainysunflower I am 6 weeks in to baby number 2 and have major regrets.

That being said I kinda knew it would suck in the beginning and did it for the long term. Ask me in 6 mos if it’s worth jt!
 
@katrina2017 We sometimes have days like this :( 8 weeks in with reflux.

She’ll grow out of it eventually and all will be good… I think 🤔 that said, we’ve started getting smiles now and it’s amazing.
 
@rainysunflower 1.5 and 4.5yo here. Lots of love and cuddles and cuteness, but 1/3 of my time is managing toy sharing, or who is doing stuff with me (ex: if I cook or read with one child, the other tantrums to do it too, and when I put them together with me it’s a garanteed fight over who touches what or who turns the pages).

It’s been good for us, but with more fatigue and less downtime it has put a little strain on our couple, nothing serious but I can 100% imagine why the second kid increases separation rates. Sometimes we just look at each other to say how hard it is, but the next sentence is how cute they were that day.

GL in your decision!
 
@rainysunflower i’m going to toot my own horn a little bit while i toot yours. you seem to be a great mom who has a great parent and you have created a wonderful environment. i think that a child’s behavior has a lot to do with how the child is patented. my almost 3yo sounds a lot like yours. i always say she’s a unicorn. i was so scared to bring in number 2 because she’s perfect… and what if this one is the exact opposite? after thinking about it for a long time, we felt that she is the way she is, largely, because of us. we are damn good parents, and we can do this again. her brother is now two months old and there are moments where i’m extremely exhausted (which is rare because my husband is a saint), i think “man i can’t believe we decided to do this again, and we definitely aren’t having another.” 99% of the time, im like wow, we did this again, and we are doing a damn good job, again. i was terrified, but now i’m happy.
 
@yaaten I dig you and your parenting ways! I can really resonated with what you wrote. Really appreciate the kind words and high five you for your successes! I'm sure your newest baby will go right into the flow of your home. Ps I just stumbled upon a podcast called "we nurture" and while it is Waldorf themed they don't always focus on that. I think you might enjoy it, if you connect with what I wrote ❤️ thanks for sharing your experience candidly and congratulations on your new baby.
 
@rainysunflower I have 3.5-year-old and 15-month old girls, husband and I are almost 38 and 39. Our oldest is amazing but has always been challenging - she's just intense! But she has blown our expectations of her as a sibling out of the water. She is fantastic with her little sister, who she calls "my baby" - affectionate, generous, helpful. She is always telling her how much she loves her, how cute she is, how much she loves being a big sister. She "reads" to her, sings to her if she's upset, tells her the names of things, is eager to help, shares her food and loves to feed her, and is patient if something is for the baby. She sees herself as a third parent, ha. I think it has been really good for her, as it fulfills her deep desire to have some kind of authority while also bringing out the nurturing side of her.

Our second is a much easier child than our first. As a baby she was a dream - so gentle and chill, only cried briefly when she needed something. Much calmer and less intense than her sister. She gets a little more frustrated now that she's a toddler, and has gone through some clingy periods. But overall she is a delight, and the transition to two was extremely seamless, nothing like the upheaval of having our first. I will say we have been blessed with two excellent sleepers, so that helps. But it's been wonderful, truly, and we're so glad she's here.
 
@rainysunflower Your son sounds like my oldest. Number 2 did not change his personality at all. He is hands down the best big brother that ever existed. 😊 it definitely changes the dynamics. You will have less free time. One kid will tantrum when the other is calm and then they’ll switch off. The night your 2nd finally sleeps through the night your first will have a nightmare and come wake you. We are exhausted. But it’s also so freaking adorable. They are 2 and 5 now and watching them interact makes my heart wanna explode! It’s not an easy decision! Good luck!
 
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