How did your second child change your family dynamics? Trying to decide…

[rainysunflower]

Hello! I’ve been wanting to write this for a while.

I’m 37, mom to our angel of a toddler who is 2, and dad is 36.

What’s holding us back: we prize balance (husband more than myself) and the half of the year that is wildly busy for my husband at work can be hard to keep the family intimacy that is so good for everyone’s mental health. I’m a SAHM who largely runs the house myself. I had been planning to switch careers and go back to work ft but motherhood has been so incredible that I have really taken to being a sahm mom and am feeling the pressure of my ticking clock to either go for it now and try for another baby and revisit career goals (honestly I’m not very career driven anymore!) or completely shelve the idea. Note: we are financially ok and own a home but we don’t like frivolously.

I know the newborn phase will be hard, but our question is more so geared towards a long view of having a family of 4 vs 3 vis a vis the overall harmony of the family unit at the different life stages of the kids. What’s it like being a family of 4 when the kiddos are 2 and 5, 5 and 8, 8 and 11?? Etc… what are the dynamics in the family/ between siblings at those differing developmental phases?

We know so much depends on the child that fate delivers you, so perhaps I’d find your anecdotes about your second child (their personality, how they changed or added to your family dynamic) to be great food for thought.

We would have another in a heartbeat if we were not such tentative people who have our primary concern with mental health, building a tranquil and nurturing home for everyone who lives within it, and a generally healthy emotional life for all involved.

Also: Our boy is thriving, open to other children, patient and present, affectionate. Has some terrible two melt downs when overtired (ie: I want the poop back in my diaper! When changed - haha!) but we communicate well with him and we’re lucky that he has a calm and generally very receptive manner about him. He sleeps well. He is almost potty trained.

 

[kevvome]

@rainysunflower We’re almost 7 months in, and our second child has brought so much balance to our lives. Our kids are 3 years + 9 days apart (both girls, and October/Libras ). They are wildly different, but so loving towards each other. Our first was a high needs/sleep avoidant/Velcro baby for the first year, but we leaned into it and had solid bonding time together. We expected our second to be similar in temperament, but she’s a completely different person. Oddly, our sleepless nights never happened during the newborn stage with our second, and what’s crazier, or luckier, is that my 3y/o fell right into the same nighttime schedule as her baby sister. By some miracle, they both go to bed at 7pm, where before my first kid would fall asleep closer to 9pm (bedtime was a challenge). Anyway, all of a sudden my spouse and I have more time together, and we can work on projects or tidy up before bed. We have to repeat ourselves often to be gentle with baby sister since sometimes the silliness escalates into rough tickling. There is also less space in the car. But everyone is healthy, and we have even more laughter in the house. We were planning on being a one and done family, but ultimately decided that we had more love to share and didn’t try/didn’t prevent another pregnancy. Honestly, having our kids has been a joy– I’m sure there will be rough patches, sibling rivalry, etc, but so far our experience has positively exceeded our expectations.

 

[christopher11]

@kevvome If I have a second, hope I am lucky as you lol my Daughter was a difficult infant. Three year difference sounds good to me

 

[elvisrene10]

@rainysunflower My two cents is you seem well poised for 2. Once your first is 3 and past the hard part of toddlerhood you may seek another.

Mine are 3 years apart. I think we have more challenges with 2 than most. My husband went through a type of paternal depression after second. I am pretty deep into physical, pharmaceutical and therapeutic ways to address challenges mental health. But we are older and in a HCOL city so we can’t live on one income. In this economy I was shaken by a potential job loss.

My two cents is budget, talk over as a couple. My challenge is my partner resents the second even though he loves her.

He just proved a point sulking by leaving all his and my typical tasks on me today (you know the get out the door symphony of dressing, loading, feeding, napping 2 kids…and of course we are 15 min later than our late friends.

We are at 1 and 5.5. Took first 9 months for baby to get interesting to the older one, and she really was extra wanting so much more attention and getting it.

Be aligned. Your son does not need another.

I felt this second one calling to me, I can’t describe it. I couldn’t let it go. And she has that same soft chill steady energy.

 

[montanarxz]

@elvisrene10 How’s your husband doing? I think my husband is going through depression himself, especially as a the primary caregiver.