He told her to shut the f* up

[lalei]

Daughter came home from her day with her dad today and immediately told me that he told her to shut the f*** up while they were in the car with his gf and his best friend. She ate a piece of candy before her sandwich and he asked her “why would you do that? that’s retarded..” — she responded with, “people eat different ways dad…” which may have come off as snarky to him and then proceeded to tell her to “SHUT THE F* UP”.. He then tells his gf, “watch, now she’s gonna run and tell her mom”...

The use of the word “retarded” and the cursing at her is highly unacceptable. It also isn’t the first time he loses his patience with her and doesn’t watch his words. She’s 9 years old and there are countless other ways for him to express his disappointment rather than humiliating her. I am so upset about this. But I know that communicating to him that his behavior toward her is not OK is going to be a nightmare.

Any tips would be helpful at this point.

 

[stefana]

@lalei I'd approach this by just telling my kid that what dad said wasn't right and that I understood her feelings were hurt.

I don't see a conversation with dad about this being productive for your daughter.

 

[honghot3a]

@stefana I think you are right. I have been going through the same thing with my ex. If I bring it up to him he just denies it. So I just make sure to talk to my kids about how its not right and we can't control what others do, only what we do ourselves.

 

[spookydawg77]

@lalei With someone like that, the only thing you can really do is go to court. How much custody does he have? Probably the ideal scenario would be for his custody to be reduced to supervised visits. The best thing you can do is go talk to a lawyer about what's possible.

 

[lalei]

@spookydawg77 He’s with her one weekend day, sometimes two. We have a verbal agreement on it. He always threatens that if I take him to court he won’t show up.

 

[spookydawg77]

@lalei

He always threatens that if I take him to court he won’t show up.

That's not the threat he thinks it is. It's like saying, "If you attempt to fight me, I'm going to lie down and let you win." If you take him to court, and he doesn't show up, the judge will most likely award you whatever orders you want as long as they're within reason.

Anyway, if you don't have a formal agreement, then you can simply not allow him to see your daughter anymore, which, if he's speaking to her like that, sounds like the best thing for your daughter. If he wants to still see her, the onus will be on him to take you to court. If he turns up at your place uninvited and refuses to leave, call the police on him for trespassing and/or harassment.

 

[creationisfact]

@spookydawg77 Yeah he sounds like, well like someone who uses Hard R’s and tells 9 year olds to STFU. If there’s no formal I’d draw the lines. If there is, I’d file papers, if he doesn’t fight, and something tells me he doesn’t have the foresight to listen to any advice anyone may give him, you’d probably come out on top, OP.

“I won’t show up” Jesus, he’s basically broadcasting that he doesn’t want to be in her life. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this…specimen.

 

[jada11]

@lalei Then that will be his problem to deal with. A judge isn't going to be like "oh, well, he didn't participate so I guess he defeated the system and can have whatever he wants!"

 

[rlneub]

@lalei That's not a threat. It's a victory. If he doesn't show up, you win.

 

[serenelyblue]

@lalei Take him to court and be the role model she needs. I just had memories come up in therapy last week of my dad called me retarded- I’ll be 29 next month and my dad is dead, but fuck, if that isn’t burned into my brain. My ex is similar- he said he wouldn’t show (he did) and I had to file a court order to modify our parenting plan, stating that he can’t verbally degrade her. Good luck mama

 

[b%C3%ACnh1889]

@lalei Your best bet is to speak with him if it’s bothering you. But don’t tell him what to do. Discuss it in a way that explains how your child may feel. Let him know that you understand it can be frustrating.

The court won’t do anything for you. Nothing he did was illegal. In the future don’t be the parent that tries to extract information. When it’s his time let him have his time. Kids make up stories/exaggerate all the time to get a reaction.

 

[serenelyblue]

@b%C3%ACnh1889 Speaking with him about it may make it worse. They have no current legal custody agreement, so court would probably do a lot for her.

Edit to add: where I’m located if there is no legal agreement, either party could technically not give the kiddo back. Not sure how it works elsewhere but I would get something formal in place either way

 

[b%C3%ACnh1889]

@serenelyblue I’m sure a big stack of court papers with allegations will help too.

You first try to work out things with the person without the courts being involved. Then you take that info and have the agreement certified by the courts.

That’s how you can get someone on board.

 

[spookydawg77]

@b%C3%ACnh1889 Why would a 9 year old make up a story like that about her own father? And, even if she did make up a story like that, that's indicative that things between her and her father must be pretty toxic if that's the lengths she needs to go to draw attention to the problem.

Kids don't want their parents to fight. They don't make up stories like this to get their parents to fight more, that's just not what happens. If a child says this about one parent to the other, you know that there is a big problem, and ignoring it is the worst thing you can do for that child.

 

[b%C3%ACnh1889]

@spookydawg77 Why would kids make up things? Because they do it all the time. Or they change the context. Or don’t tell the entire story.

The point being if you want to help your kid without a huge fight you can either talk with the other parent and get something in writing submitted to the court. Or you can have the court make the decision.

However, the court takes months if not years to
Come to a decision. So if you’re main goal is the best interest of the kids - a short term plan may be best.

I’ll take the downvotes. Irdc. Y’all think running to court fixes everything. First trying with the other parent should be the first step. Then going from there.

 

[bhaskyjhn]

@spookydawg77 You are asking the right questions but making assumptions that aren’t true as well. Kids connect things in ways we perceive as weird. IE sometimes they do want conflict between parents, but not for reasons that may make sense to you and I.

I doubt in this situation that all the details are present, but I’m sure the dad had an explosive reaction. Also, the 9 year old probably is not forthcoming about exactly what she said back to the dad. Everyone is having communication issues here but let’s not pile on the train with assumptions.

This is for advice not drama

 

[bhaskyjhn]

@b%C3%ACnh1889 You’re getting downvoted only because people read your last sentence, but it’s an important note. I doubt it happened here, my actual guess is “people eat different ways” was not accurate

 

[bhaskyjhn]

@lalei Just take a breather. It’s very high energy situation. Clearly the father has some anger, some communication issues. He’s not articulating appropriately, not even clear what he’s wanting.

You and I may not agree with the use of retarded however it isn’t illegal, and he isn’t calling her retarded. IE, he shouldn’t, but if he told her what she was doing was acting like a baby, vs that she is a baby it’s different

As far as the shut the fuck up comment, that’s not good. I’m not sure a judge would tell you anything other than getting court appointed therapy to work on emotions and communications.

That’s what I would ask if they are open to, remember therapy is coaching. They have to want to make it better. Unless he attacks her outright verbally, it may not hold up in court past getting therapy

 

[mthandeki]

@lalei Your job is to protect her not fight him. Don't let there be visits unless she asks and make it a supervised visit. He can take you to court if he wants it some other way, sounds like his is not interested. If he throws a tantrum make sure you have the proof for court. Save every message with rude nasty language and remember to say as little as you have to and to have the best behavior on your end