Having a second is "X" times as much work

[jazzyd777]

I've heard so many different opinions about this. Some say having a second is only 1.5 times the work, some say it is around twice the work, and others say it is up to 5 times the work!!

Obviously this is a matter of opinion, but I suspect there are also other factors at play, including the age gap between kids (and the ages of each kids), and any particular struggles with one or both kids that make make it harder.

So, those who've had 2 kids- how many more times the work is it for you, and why? Can you also specify the ages of each kid. For the life of me I can't understand how it could be 5 times the amount of work, but recently a comment on another sub said this and loads of people agreed. But then I also know a lot of people who claim it is actually easier than just having 1.

There are so many things that can get doubled up that I can't really see how that's possible for it to be so much extra work. Like, if you're cooking a kid's meal anyway for 1 kid, you can just make it for 2. If you're already reading a bedtime story or giving a bath to 1 kid, you can do that for 2. If you're taking 1 kid to the park, you can take 2. If you're going shopping for new socks for 1 kid, you can buy them for #2. At the same time, I can see that if one kid is being entertained the other might not be, therefore cutting into your own free time, or they might be fighting over something, and require extra supervision or refereeing. Maybe they are interested in completely different things and you have to take 1 kid to cricket and other kid to clarinet lessons. So that is 2 times the work, for those particular instances. I can also see how the needs of a newborn/infant don't really overlap with the needs of a toddler much, and would require twice as much work during those early months. But twice as much work, all the time? Really? 3 times?? I don't understand how. Please tell me about your own experiences with this

 

[xxnomikax]

@jazzyd777 So I’m a mom of 2, ages 3 & 1.5. I also have a lot of nieces and nephews and nannied so I’ve seen lots is different spacing for kids. My experience is that it isn’t twice or three times as hard all the time, but it does average out to be. Sorry for the long response coming haha.
Physically, it’s a lot of logistics. Baby needs a bottle or nursing for a year, so that’s a solid 12 months with extra work. Going to the store is fine, but that’s two kids getting dressed, in car seats, in the cart, etc. it’s not THAT much extra work, but it easily adds 10 mins to your trip each way. You also have to debate a single or double stroller, navigate nap times, meals and moods. Going to the park is fun, but maybe one kid is ready for the big slide but you still want to spot them as they climb but the little one is struggling on the stairs; or the climbing structures are separate; or one wants the slide and one wants swings; or both kids run in opposite directions. Play wise, you have the issue of keeping toys with the kid they’re appropriate for: a grade schooler will want legos that aren’t safe for baby or a toddler will want to paint while the baby will lick everything. But separate activities lead to tears. On the other hand, as they get older, they can play together and your need to participate slows but your need to referee rises. We haven’t been involved in activities due to covid but separate activities or interests should be planned on for their whole lives which means multiple games and practices to juggle. You also need to keep track of two sets of gear, whether that’s diapers and bottles or sports equipment and clothes.
Mentally, it’s a lot more. Keeping track of multiple kids development, interests, health, growth, emotions, needs, wants, etc. wears you down. With one kid, you’re exhausted but you can turn off a while when they nap or are busy. With more kids, you have to be on all the time, even if a newborn was up all night (warning: this might go beyond newborn stage lol). You’re worried if you’re focusing too much on one or the other, how much time you’ve spent with each, how their relationship as siblings is doing. You and your spouse might separate duties more so you see each other less. The costs are more, even with hand me downs, so that’s a super common added stress. The mental load is where things really get hard in my opinion.
As far as ways it’s easier, I think in some ways it might simpler. My kids are close in age so in a lot of ways, I’ve found it easy to group them. They can share toys, big gifts, responsibilities. Their interests are similar. They’re almost in the same size now so I can even share clothes. You get in the swing of things and you don’t feel as much pressure as I did with one. Maybe because I don’t have the time to care what people think haha. More kids helps you feel more like a family unit from what I’ve experienced/witnessed so making choices best for your family become a lot easier. I feel really content in our family unit and feel like having a second helped prioritize things that made our family stronger. So none of this is to scare you! I think more kids is always great, but I just thought I’d explain the logic of saying it’s that much more work.

 

[pilgrimschild]

@jazzyd777 5 y.o. and 3 m.o. here. Definitely not 2x as much work. It's even less than 1 newborn/firstborn (but people do crazy things for their firstborn like invent 20-step bedtime routines etc and think baby will never go to sleep if we don't do it the exact same way every day, speaking from experience). I have found time for daily showers, 3 healthy meals and an hour of 'me' time for quite a while again already. We do hear life might be harder with shorter gaps. And baby's personality and sleeping habits matter too.

Tip: Take into account your lifestyle and personality too when thinking about gaps!

 

[joanna2r]

@pilgrimschild I totally agree. 6 year old and 3 month old here. The newborn phase has been so much easier than the first time. I don’t know if that is because my 3 month old is just a naturally more chilled baby or if it is because we are more relaxed parents.

Big sister loves to hold her baby sister so can do that while I eat breakfast. Big sister loves to lie on the floor and read to baby sister so can do that while I shower. Big sister understands that sometimes I’m feeding or nap trapped when she wants me and can wait patiently.

 

[shicomi]

@joanna2r I really needed to hear this. I’ve been hemming and hawing about a second kid for months, and been wondering if I really DO want a second kid, or if I just want there to be a bigger age gap in between. I’m glad to hear that having an older kid and a newborn seems to be the best of both worlds in a way - the older one is independent enough that you can give the little one more one-on-one time. I dunno I just feel like there’s SO MUCH social pressure to have a second when your first is still a toddler… I’m over here like “That seems like the toughest way to do it..???!!!”

 

[renob]

@shicomi I thought that too, but for a whole host of reasons we decided to do a short gap. We wound up with 2 years and I honestly love it way more than I thought I would. The fact is that there isn't a perfect age gap just like there isn't a perfect time to have a baby. Figure out what makes sense for your family and aim for that. Besides, all we can really do is stop preventing pregnancy, there's really no way to ensure anything beyond that. I think if the thought of a positive pregnancy test scares you more than excites you that's all you need to know.

 

[shicomi]

@renob I’m glad the 2 year gap is working for you! That’s awesome to hear!

Just goes to show you how your personality and temperament can really affect your experience of parenting! I was a nanny for years and for that 2yr gap to be the most difficult, and far preferred working for families either with an only child or with a larger age gap (ie, first child was in kindergarten before they had a second).

I think the main reason I’m putting pressure on myself is that I’ll be 35 next year. BUT I do think the decision just got made for me about age gaps… I’m in the process of being diagnosed with PCOS, so it may very well be a long (or nonexistent) road.

 

[pilgrimschild]

@shicomi For us the bigger gap was what fits our personalities, lifestyle, parenting goals etc. I can imagine if traveling to far away places is important to you and you are not comfortable with taking babies/toddler or leaving them with someone that having your kids close together and get this stage over with could be worth a few tougher years. And there are probably a lot more even better reasons, it's just one of my colleagues reasoning for having 3 in 4 years and limiting their trips for a few years (unfortunately she is divorced now so something in her elaborate plans did not go as planned). I also think that my 2 year gap with my brother and the fact that my father was not an involved parent was a part of why my parents divorced/why my dad cheated. My grandmother was pressuring us very soon about a second but for her generation divorce was not an option so they toughed it out I guess. I don't think my marriage would have survived a baby+toddler combo.

I just prefer my daily life to be as calm and predictable as can be. But the pressure is/was real!

 

[shicomi]

@pilgrimschild Yeah, I’m in the same boat - I like my daily life to have a relative level of calm. It’s a little more achievable with a single toddler. After being a nanny, I’ve been adamant about waiting to even think about a second child until the first is at minimum in preschool. I don’t really mind prolonging having small children around, as I LOVE toddlers, but I also know that two toddlers at once is like… way more than I can handle I need to be able to reason with at least one of them!

Plus, my husband and I have agreed in the past that we want our kid to be able to understand the concept of a sibling before we have a second. We were feeling very OAD through my pregnancy and the first 6-7mo pp, but started to reconsider with the caveat that our daughter be involved in the decision in an age-appropriate way.

Ah, this thread is helping me so much!! I’ve been feeling so much pressure to have another kid on this common timeline of 2-3yr age difference, so it’s AWESOME to hear from people with bigger gaps. Thank you!

 

[manishk012]

@joanna2r This is lovely to hear. We aren’t financially in a position to have another one now (which is what I wanted) and will have to wait for another few years so the gap will probably be more like yours. Thanks for sharing

 

[lonegreywolf21]

@joanna2r 100% exactly this for us too. I have a 7 year old and a 4 month old. It turned out to be so much easier than I expected. I mean my first was a very difficult baby so I expected it to be horrifyingly hard with two, but it’s been doable and even nice at times with two. My oldest is very helpful and watches the baby frequently. It’s lovely

 

[mabosede]

@pilgrimschild I have heard that a 4-5 year gap is considered the “best” by a lot of people! Unfortunately those of us with older bodies can’t afford to wait that long in between kids lol

 

[pilgrimschild]

@mabosede Yeah another good reason for shorter gaps, that's why I mentioned lifestyle and other factors that influence choices. If we have a third it'll also be with at least a 4 year gap but I don't know if my body and husband will still be up for it as I had GD the second time around and have a higher risk of DVT due to family history. Add 'geriatric' to the list and I can just as well go live in the hospital. I already spent a fortune just on hospital parking fees in the last year.

 

[lookingforhiswill]

@jazzyd777 It really depends on the situation.

Playing in the garden is x 0.5 the work because the kids play with eachother and don't need any adult input.

Meals and mess are x 1 the amount of work.

Laundry, baths, teeth, dr appointments etc are x 2 the work.

There are some things that are definitely more than twice the work. Sometimes they can set eachother off, for example one has a tantrum and the other freaks out at the same time. One wakes the other up in the middle of the night. Going out to not child friendly places can feel like 5 times harder with 2 than 1.

Overall I'd say it's closer to 1.5 times the work. My kids are currently 4 and 1

 

[renob]

@jazzyd777 It averages out to 1.5 I'd say. Some days it's definitely half the work and other days it's definitely twice. My kids are 2 years apart exactly. I'm a SAHM.

After the first 6 months it starts to really gel. You cook breakfast, adding an extra scrambled egg is completely negligible. You throw them both in the tub and do a few extra wash and rinses. The older starts to help with the younger and the younger becomes self sufficient much faster than the older did. Also, they play together! Sooner than I thought they would. The days my oldest is at Grammy's are WAY harder because the younger one demands so much attention! You have all the clothes and gear when you need it, and you already know what you're doing. You don't have to learn how to be a parent all over again, you just need to learn the new little person.

There are, of course, 2 of them. So, yes, there are going to be times where you're triaging needs. There are simultaneous tantrums. You will feel like you're failing some days. It is harder and takes more practice to get out with 2. You also have to be aware of both and they sometimes run off in different directions.

My youngest was born during COBID so that was actually nice as a second time mom (sorry first timers! That would have been brutal!) Not being expected or able to go anywhere was a lot easier. We also have a good local support network of family that helps. My youngest was diagnosed with cancer this winter, so that has been pretty hard in a lot of ways. At a time where things should have been getting easier they got a lot harder. But I still wouldn't say it's anywhere near 5Xs harder. I literally lived in the hospital 1 week out of every 3 for 7 months. It was fucking hard, but still doable. Just my 2 cents.

 

[sapiens]

@jazzyd777 Making lunch for two as compared to one isn't that much more different, and in fact, you only have to get the stuff out of the fridge once and put it back. However, going to the fridge, getting out the cheese, heading to the lounge to sort out a disagreement, coming back to the kitchen, getting the marmite from the pantry, back to the lounge because the disagreement has flared up yet again and sending them to separate rooms, going back to the kitchen, sorting out one of your kids who suddenly insists he must come out of his room because he is dying of thirst etc. It is perfectly possible to have 5 times the amount of work.

 

[tempo]

@jazzyd777 "if you're cooking a kid's meal anyway for 1 kid, you can just make it for 2."
They like to eat different things. Or if it's the same thing, one will be hungrier than usual and steal the other's portion.

"If you're already reading a bedtime story or giving a bath to 1 kid, you can do that for 2."
I can't even read to them anymore since they just fight over who's holding the book. It always leads to tears for both within seconds when I try. The youngest is bath phobic and has to be dealt with separately come bath time.

I don't know if it's quite double the work, but I certainly do half as good a job parenting.

 

[basedtonyever]

@jazzyd777 Following