Is having a second kid really worth all the trouble? It looks exponentially harder to go from 1 to 2 kids than zero to 1.

[pbrouty]

@christopherpriestley Did it eliminate all the husband's personal time, too, or did he just make the wife do all the childcare?

Going from 1-2 was difficult, but nowhere near as hard as 0-1, but that's because my husband was about to care for our older daughter during his parental leave and afterwards, we had her in preschool. I only had to solo the kids two hours before he got off work and then we did everything together or I went to breastfeed in the baby's room (because she needed it quieter). Now they're seven and two. They have different needs and sometimes we get pulled in different directions, but it's fine. They can also play together, the older daughter teaches the younger one and "reads" to her, having our older one as an example for staying at the table for meal times or eating certain foods really helps, and our daughters just love each other so much. The toddler lights up when she sees her sister and our seven year old does sweet things for her sister all the time. They even have a race of who can get their dirty clothes in the hamper after a bath. They fight and the toddler takes some of the older ones toys and they get frustrated with each other, so it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but the good things definitely outweigh the bad ones.

 

[jaylamarie]

@christopherpriestley Yes, mine are best friends and I love seeing them play, fight, and grow up together. They are 3 years apart.

 

[elrefale]

@christopherpriestley 0-1 was the hardest transition of my life. I feel like with each subsequent kid I’ve had easier and easier transitions. Just had my 3rd 2.5 months ago and it was even easier than 0-1 or 1-2

 

[joy613]

@christopherpriestley 0-1 was WAYYYYY harder than 1-2 for us. Ya the first couple months are difficult in many ways and there's an adjustment period for the older child, but quickly they come to love their baby sister/brother. Mine are 19 months apart and are the best of friends.

Also, having children shouldn't make or break your relationship. Both parties should realize that sometimes you are just stressed, tired, and at your worst. Kids are this young for a very short amount of time.

 

[jassydonk]

@christopherpriestley I had 3 kids about 2-3 years apart from each other and it was always pretty easy. I’m having my 4th and my youngest is 7 (oldest is 12) and omg. I thought I was done so we have to rearrange everything, buy all new stuff, everything just like when I had my first. This is gonna be a bit rough I think. But going from 1-2 and 2-3 was cake in comparison to 0-1 and apparently 3-4 with a huge gap and no more baby shit in the house.

 

[newsgurl]

@christopherpriestley For me it wasn’t even a tiny bit of trouble. I actually find it easier, because now I have experience. I am more comfortable going out, it’s not impacting us financially significantly, my relationship is doing okay.

I literally felt that I was missing something before I had my second, like when you forget something at home but you can’t remember what it was so it just constantly bothers you.

I had a very nagging feeling that my family wasn’t complete and now that the baby is here I 100% believe I was right. I look at this baby and know she needed to be here, with us.

Now everybody feels differently about their own kids and their parenthood experience, so to each their own I guess.

 

[apachesongbird98]

@christopherpriestley 1-2 is way easier than 0-1. Especially if they’re fairly close in age! I feel like your friend might need some more support.

 

[jidalbc]

@christopherpriestley I think it's the opposite, 0-1 is a huge jump, 1-2 way less so

 

[achilles1973]

@christopherpriestley So a bit against the grain here, I found 1 - 2 harder than 0-1.

Mostly because we just started getting some breathing room again with the first (2y) and now we have no free time. Also finding someone to watch one kid is SOOOO much easier than two. Meaning we have very little childless time left, which is killing.

I think circumstances are very important though, our first was a much easier baby than our second. And I went back to work at 3 months with my first while I'm now home with 2 children (2,5y and 6m) which is so overstimulating, there is no napping when the baby naps, everything is covered in puke and drool and crumbs including myself. I'm also recovering way slower/not as much from birth as with my first.

 

[howard1955]

@christopherpriestley It depends on the age gap. Mine are 2.5 years apart exactly and it definitely has its troubles. I think the best things about the age gap comes with age. As they get older. Right now, two young, highly dependent children, it’s tough but still worth it because I couldn’t imagine life without them. 1-2 is tougher than 0-1 for me.

 

[jesusjewel]

@christopherpriestley 0-1 is the worst. 1-2 is easy. I’m a single mom to 2 and both my kids had serious intolerances and I barely slept. Then when my second was 6 months old my first was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I had to deal with all his medical appts and his highs and lows and figure out carb counting and insulin dosages etc during the first year. Still do most of that but now have an insulin pump helping me. It still doesn’t seem as hard as your friends situation LOL. So there’s definitely some other factors that are causing all that for her.

 

[janiesdad]

@christopherpriestley Both transitions are hard for different reasons. I think the transition from 0-1 was worse though, especially if you e never cared for a baby or spent any time around babies. I just did not have any idea what I was doing and it was constantly stressful trying to troubleshoot and figure things out. Now my toddler is the hard part and my infant is easy! I thought it would be the other way around.

 

[doejy]

@christopherpriestley May be an unpopular opinion here but everyone looks from this from the parents perspective. I know many single children who are so stressed as they get older because they are the only one who can care for their eventual aging parents and/or if their parents are going through something, the child is the only person who can talk to themselves, without having someone to relate to (in the same household).

As parents, we can try and do everything we can do ensure our kids success (eg saving for our own retirement fund) but there’s a lot of emotional factors involved as well.

It ultimately is on YOU what you think being a parent is and what family means to you. For us, our second one is coming at 5 years gap (not a choice, we had 4 miscarriages). We know a lot of one and done and also 4-5 children families too. For us, I want my child to have siblings that they can grow up with, rely on each other, and be able to relate what it means to be a child of me and my husband and someone to share a burden of losing us. And if they decide to have families, I want them to have more chances at having cousins.

Having said that, my husband and I share the same values and perspectives so sure it may strain on our marriage for the first 5 years of their lives but we remember what we believe what our parental duties are and what it means to have a child.

 

[llawrence101]

@christopherpriestley I just had my second 5 months ago, it’s exponentially easier. I don’t know how. I remember with my first I felt so overwhelmed all the time and any time there was some challenge, like if he was sick, or had a huge blowout diaper, or any baby thing that is overwhelming, a voice in my head would say “what would you do now if you also had a toddler running around, tantruming, demanding attention? How could you possibly handle this exact scenario plus a toddler thrown into the mix?”

But I’m doing it and it’s easier than when it was just a baby. Granted, my son is 3.5 so he’s exiting the toddler phase, he’s teetering into “little kid” territory which has its advantages.

Still though, I’m not sure why it’s easier but it is. Substantially.

 

[eusebius]

@christopherpriestley It is exponentially harder to go 1 to 2 than going 0 to 1. Sometimes I can’t believe I did it . But that sucky newborn phases is not reflective of what life will look like later. What you don’t see are the inside jokes, the handholding in the car, the snuggles, the way they run to comfort the other when they get sad/hurt. My kids fight like animals at times-but they are each other’s constant companion and their love is like nothing else

Eventually their schedules align so you get your free time back. Eventually one hits kindergarten which alleviates your childcare bill. All the hard parts are temporary

So yes. Worth it. 100000000000000%

 

[jcscowtown]

@christopherpriestley I think a lot of the stress comes from the weird obsession people have with having their kids very close together in age, thinking that will somehow be the only way their kids will be close (it often has the exact opposite effect). It’s way easier to have a 5 year old and an infant that a 2.5 year old and an infant.

 

[richardparker]

@christopherpriestley All of the above "consequences" could have resulted of going from 0-1 just as easily as going from 1-2 (with the exception of the jealousy by the first kid, but replace that with jealousy from the pet if you want).

I don't know how old your friend's new child is, but the beginning stages are hard and exhausting and of course she has less time or energy to spend on other things. And if you only look at the first few months to decide whether having a child is worth it, I think the world's population would be much lower. Not only are you probably not thinking straight from hormones and lack of sleep, you haven't gotten a chance to experience any of the good stuff.

Personally, I can honestly say I have -never- wondered "should I have stopped at one". Sometimes I wish I had no children when I yearn my freedoms, when I want to do something I can't reasonably or easily do anymore, etc. But I never wish I had one less, because frankly that almost never would have actually improved a situation for me. (Only thing I can think it would do is have slightly less financial obligations between RESP savings and daycare costs and extra-curriculars... although even those are less expensive as there's often discounts for multiple children or re-using equipment, etc.)

Having multiple kids is undoubtedly not for everyone, but as others have said, the reality of no kids versus one or more kids is more daunting. At 0 kids, you don't have to spend mental energy making sure another human turns out to be a good human, responsible for all the decisions about them, making sure they are alive, healthy, fed, clothed, their whereabouts, their interests, their happiness, etc. You don't have to be "on the clock 24/7". You also don't have to consider who takes care of them if you were to die, how will you afford college in 18 years, what happens if you get the dream job in 5-10 years from now but it's not convenient (location, hours, etc). With 0 kids, you can be selfish about all those decisions realistically because you aren't responsible for anyone else. Once you have at least 1 child to look after, going from 1-2 is more work but not a staggering difference in reality (which you can't just "nope" out of whenever you want).

Finally, consider what you want your family to be like, and what you want your kids to have for family. It was extremely important for me that I didn't have an only child. I wanted them to have family around them, even once I pass. I wanted them to have siblings to play with and learn from and lean on because my role is not to be their best friend and rather be their parent and I wanted them to have that different relationship within the family unit. I wanted 4 kids really, but right now circumstances are I may only ever have 2. For me, having these things is definitely "worth the trouble".

 

[wobblybobbly56]

@christopherpriestley It is exponentially harder, at least in my opinion. But I wouldn’t trade my second for the world. Easy does not always equal good, and hard does not always equal bad.

 

[sailon]

@christopherpriestley Could be a strain with the parents relationship instead of adding an extra kid. They are not first-time parents, so it's not a mystery of losing free time. Older siblings being jealous is normal especially if they are close in age and on that note it's possible to still have stuff left over from the first kid. Sounds like a marriage issue being passed off as a new baby issue. Also keep a close eye on her I could be totally wrong but postpartum is a thing

 

[somedayiwill]

@christopherpriestley In the short term it’s tough but I definitely found 0-1 way harder. Baby boy is almost 4 months now, toddler is 3.

The freedom for me has gone because I’m breastfeeding and he won’t take a bottle. The house is slightly better off than it was because I’m home more and on maternity leave.

It helps baby is quite chill so he just comes along for the ride. We still do all the stuff we did with toddler. It’s our personal time that’s gone but that’s temporary. Once baby boy is on solids I’ll be able to leave him longer periods and hopefully then he’ll take milk in a Sippy cup or something.