katrina2017
New member
@littledot It’s far more selfish to have another kid as some kind of vanity project. With every additional child you spread yourself more thinly, which isn’t fair on your existing children.
Guilty for thinking this way?
- Thread starter littledot
- Start date
@littledot You can't be selfish or insensitive towards a child that doesn't exist. I think you're showing how much you care about your existing child by considering how a situation that could occur with a sibling would affect them. I've also been called selfish, but I don't care. My husband and I love our family of 3. We get to have time to ourselves still while our daughter gets so much attention. She's not quite old enough for true hobbies yet, but she does gymnastics and we take her to a lot of events within the community that would be difficult wlif we were balancing a second as well. As for the anxiety around conceiving and birth, that's your business and your business only.
jimrey1979
New member
@littledot Your friend should wash her mouth. Having sibling doesnt mean you are gonna have a good relationship with them (tbh most people i know that have siblings have awful relationship). Also - your only will have friends in the future, maybe cousins, aunts… its not like you only have “3 person family”
@littledot Your spouse is the only person who deserves a justification for whether or not you want a second child. Your friend does not get a vote, and neither does anybody else. There is no "wrong" reason to be OAD, so long as it is the right reason for your family.
@littledot You are not selfish or insensitive!! You are doing what is best for your family and that is all that matters! I am one and done for a lot of the same reasons as you. None of those reasons are selfish. Your friend’s reaction is about her and her feelings, not about you, sadly.
lynlovesgod
New member
@littledot Idk how in the hell that’s selfish. What would be selfish is bringing a child into the world you don’t want and/or can’t care for. It’s your life and you’re prioritizing your own AND your family’s needs over what society wants/expects us to do. Having another child is a HUGE decision and you are thinking very logically, which is commendable. Family size is a personal decision and it blows my mind how many people think we want their opinion.
calvarykanikarum
New member
@littledot Your friend sounds like an asshole. Whenever people say being OAD is leaving my child to be alone in the world I think about my siblings. There are 4 of us, 1 will never go to the funerals of the other 3 and 1 will attend all 3 and have no siblings at their own. I find this reality just as sad. I think all the time about my child being alone after me and my husband pass, but they have cousins, will have friends and possibly a family of their own before it happens (hopefully).
@littledot Your friend is insensitive and selfish for her comment, not you !
@littledot Lol my take is your friend is mean and probably jealous
soultrekkin
New member
@littledot Is she from a particularly religious background where having multiple children is the norm?
I think most of us are looking at this and going “wtf” but her reasoning makes perfect sense from a Roman Catholic/Mormon/Evangelical Christian/Orthodox Jew cultural lens.
If you are also in that culture, it would make sense why she would freak out on you about it for going against that cultural expectation.
Otherwise, I’d chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and call it a day. I know I said and did some whack shit when I was pregnant!
I think most of us are looking at this and going “wtf” but her reasoning makes perfect sense from a Roman Catholic/Mormon/Evangelical Christian/Orthodox Jew cultural lens.
If you are also in that culture, it would make sense why she would freak out on you about it for going against that cultural expectation.
Otherwise, I’d chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and call it a day. I know I said and did some whack shit when I was pregnant!
@littledot You've gotten great replies already but I'll just add this.
When someone makes a remark like that to me, my default is ask myself whether it's true. "Am I selfish? I don't think so. Here's why I don't think so: First, Reason A; then, Reason B, then, Reason C..."
I've found (usually after the fact) that that's the wrong question. The right question is, "Why does this person have a sense of entitlement to make this judgement?"
Perhaps they've never been challenged before for hurtful statements and have low self-awareness. Perhaps they've dealt with inappropriate criticism growing up and never learned good boundaries. Perhaps they simply suck. We don't know.
I'm not suggesting that you fix this person, just that the real issue is their behavior, not your choice about more children.
If, within yourself, you are feeling conflicted, this can set off that inner conflict. (Sometimes people know we're conflicted and prey on that, but sometimes they say hurtful things out of sheer obliviousness, so I won't make any assumption on what was going on for the friend here.)
But, personally, I can only feel peace about a decision (and full disclosure in my case OAD was a decision that was made for me, but this applies to pretty much any major decision) when I step back from all the white noise of inappropriate comments and do not feel pressured to explain or justify myself.
edit for major typo
When someone makes a remark like that to me, my default is ask myself whether it's true. "Am I selfish? I don't think so. Here's why I don't think so: First, Reason A; then, Reason B, then, Reason C..."
I've found (usually after the fact) that that's the wrong question. The right question is, "Why does this person have a sense of entitlement to make this judgement?"
Perhaps they've never been challenged before for hurtful statements and have low self-awareness. Perhaps they've dealt with inappropriate criticism growing up and never learned good boundaries. Perhaps they simply suck. We don't know.
I'm not suggesting that you fix this person, just that the real issue is their behavior, not your choice about more children.
If, within yourself, you are feeling conflicted, this can set off that inner conflict. (Sometimes people know we're conflicted and prey on that, but sometimes they say hurtful things out of sheer obliviousness, so I won't make any assumption on what was going on for the friend here.)
But, personally, I can only feel peace about a decision (and full disclosure in my case OAD was a decision that was made for me, but this applies to pretty much any major decision) when I step back from all the white noise of inappropriate comments and do not feel pressured to explain or justify myself.
edit for major typo
@littledot Three hobbies is crazy 
moms don't think of themselves then get resentful when they don't catch a break . Do what works for you
moms don't think of themselves then get resentful when they don't catch a break . Do what works for you@littledot Three hobbies is crazy moms don't think of themselves then get resentful when they don't catch a break . Do what works for you
moms don't think of themselves then get resentful when they don't catch a break . Do what works for you@littledot Three hobbies is crazy moms don't think of themselves then get resentful when they don't catch a break . Do what works for you
moms don't think of themselves then get resentful when they don't catch a break . Do what works for you@littledot Your choice and you’re friend sucks.
@littledot People who pull the "but your kid will be all alone!" really frustrate me. I know at least THREE PEOPLE who have lost their siblings to death. There's no guarantee of a lifelong sibling relationship even if they are close - shit still happens.
christopherhitchens590
New member
@littledot That seems like a healthy amount of insensitivity and selfishness.
You need a little of those 2 things to be happy.
You need a little of those 2 things to be happy.
@littledot I don't think you're being selfish at all. You're being logical. Having another baby is a big deal and needs to be thought through properly. It sounds like you're doing that and she just doesn't like the conclusion that you came to.
@littledot Stripping everything back, it's your friend that is insensitive and selfish.
Insensitive to YOUR feelings and selfish for projecting her life onto yours.
I don't understand how people say only children will be lonely after their parents pass. What about their future partner, their friends, their children if they choose?
Insensitive to YOUR feelings and selfish for projecting her life onto yours.
I don't understand how people say only children will be lonely after their parents pass. What about their future partner, their friends, their children if they choose?
@littledot Your reasons an all valid, because they are YOUR reasons. All these are on my list, including PCOS.
Life weight PCOS is a pain as it is, why complicate things with having another child.
Life weight PCOS is a pain as it is, why complicate things with having another child.